Changes

I've heard that other than death and taxes... change is the only other thing you can count on in life. Well, I guess I'm about due for some of that.

In the summer of 2004, I went with my stepmother to pick up my little brother that my parents were adopting from Guatemala. He was around 18 months old at the time, and I remember that trip so vividly. He was a cute little guy that was happy as long as you didn't move him or change what was happening.

You want to play with toys on the bed, fine... he was perfectly happy. You want to walk around with him in his stroller, fine... perfectly happy. Although, if you needed to change the current pattern of activity or his clothes... he freaked out and a typical toddler temper tantrum would ensue.

I can sort of relate at the moment. There is something particularly hard for me right now with Sundays and Mondays... I can't even put my finger on it. I just know that those two days of the week are the hardest for me emotionally - I mean it's not normal for me to get weepy because I have to get out of bed... much less go to church... I love my church! Believe me - if I could figure out how to write it out and process it... I'd be doing that.

There is just so much swirling in my head lately, and I feel like junk. Literally! The nausea, headaches, and just general sickness are back in full force.

I was thinking through some things on my way to a church event this afternoon. I was thinking of all the change that has come over the last few months, and how people process through those things... the only way I can really compare it would be to say that it is much like the process of grieving.

You see, I've been taking every bit of the uncertainty and anger over our infertility and the end of that process out on my body. I go through these stages every now and then... a stage where I get so fed up with all the things that are wrong with me - that I sort of go into denial about it all.

I stopped the fertility shots, drugs, and such in September - but I also stopped taking my diabetes medicine, my thyroid medicine, and doing anything that might be considered healthy. I sunk right back into my "happy place" and medicated with food - specifically sugar. I know this is all wrong, but in the moment - you are helpless to stop it when you are hanging on by a thread.

When you wake up and start realizing what is happening - you're almost helpless to fix it. In a way this makes me feel like a failure on two issues (fertility and weight loss), and add to that a work situation that is emotionally stressful to the point of almost making you feel like you are a worthless employee... and you have a perfect storm driving my emotional state right now.

Please hear me say that I am 100% excited about adoption... and believe whole-heartedly that this is our God given path at the moment, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't sometimes cross my mind that there are things that I will miss out on if I never physically bear my own child. I am so excited about the opportunities that are just around the corner for us through our adoption... it's just hard to not have much to push forward to at this point.

So, that is pretty much where I am... I know that there is a lot that I need to do for myself... but at the same time emotionally - I think I need something to help level me out a little bit possibly. I don't know - I'll talk to my doctor tomorrow about what he thinks... but maybe just for a month or so just to level me out in order to have the strength/courage to tackle all the things that I need to tackle in order to get back on track.

• Start a new diet plan... I'm highly considering the Gylcemic Impact Diet through ediets.com
• Start working out again in some form
• Start back on my thyroid medications
• Start back on my vitamins and supplements
• Continue taking my diabetes medicine
• Figure out what it is that I want to do with my life... in the future
• Get back to my normal life...

Sidetracked

Well, darn... I haven't answered your questions from Wednesday yet... and I am really sorry about that. I have them and will get to them... worst case would be that I'll hold them and answer them this week...

I don't even know where the time is going anymore. I just know that I'm losing it!

What have I been up to, you might ask? I'm not sure that I even remember! From Wednesday on is pretty much a blur...

Lets see... while waiting to meet my Dad for dinner on Wednesday night - John bought me these things because we stopped in a Hallmark store...

Isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever seen?

Smells like heaven... it's a new scent for me... one of the scents of the month...

Another scent of the month - which I really liked as well!

I got this one for Christmas - but Sage & Citrus will always be my #1 favorite scent! 

After that shopping trip we had a wonderful dinner with my Dad - talked lots of politics and all sorts of other things. I learned several new pieces of information about my grandparents... things that I'd never known before. 

Thursday was a whirlwind day at the office - and even ended with me finding out that I was moving my workspace. It made me laugh actually - because I've been there for a year and a half... and I'm moving to my third workspace. For the last 6 months - I shared an office with a coworker that I share a lot of projects with... we both got moved into cubicles again. The best part? We're on the opposite side of the building as the rest of our department! I'm going to test the theory of "out of sight - out of mind" and see if my stress level goes down a little bit.

On the way home, I got a dinner offer that I couldn't refuse... my amazing friend Danielle and I went to dinner at our favorite place. PF Changs rocks our world... I hadn't realized it, but it is "our place" - hahahaha. We had our favorite - Crispy Green Beans... and I ordered John's favorite entree, Crispy Honey Shrimp, so that I could bring them home to him. Neither of us can finish an entree - so we try to share as much as possible. Funny thing is that now - we actually get three meals out of one entree! 

Friday brought the big move at work... and by the time we got home last night - I just couldn't function... it was an extremely long week with lots of emotional valleys. So we picked up dinner and I pretty much became worthless... I made the mistake of getting a dessert for us to share, and I don't know exactly what happened after that. I ate a little dessert and immediately felt really ill, so I had to go to bed - at 8:30! 

We jumped up early this morning because we were having our Environmental Inspection as well as our new mattress being delivered - both were supposed to happen at 9:30.... the mattress actually got here at 10:15 (and the order was wrong...so they have to come back next Saturday)... and the inspector? Oh, he showed up at 11:30!! Honestly! There were lots of issues with him... but mainly it boils down to us doing a LOT of work this morning for him to pretty much walk in and sign a paper... which cost us $145! 

Where can I find a job that pays me $145 for about 15 minutes worth of work?

From there we made our trip to WalMart for our biweekly grocery trip... John is such a wonderful guy - he did the shopping and I did this... 

 

We've both spent the rest of the day working on various projects for our church.... and I'm actually still waiting for John to get home from the church - he went up there at about 4 to print some flyers... and he's still working on making that happen. Oh goodness! Hopefully he'll be home soon... I'm about ready for dinner and then bed! 

Q&A Wednesday

Alright folks, same bat-time same bat-channel... it's Q&A Wednesday!!

You know the drill - you send me your questions and I'll post my answers either tonight or in the morning. I've got a special date with two of my favorite men in the world tonight (John and my Dad) so I can't make any promises for getting it up tonight...

I tried giving you guys a theme last week, but I don't know that it worked. I'm going to leave it totally open this week, but give me your thoughts on the theme issue...

So comment here with your questions, and I'll get back to you...

Encouragement

You guys have no idea how much it warms my heart to have such an incredible support system both via the blog world, but also in the form of an amazing husband - and incredible friends!

In the wake of everything I was feeling yesterday - I was encouraged to talk to John by one great friend...which prooved to be one of the most cathartic things I did yesterday. At least, I thought so... and I don't know about you - but my husband is my rock... my knight in shining armor... and poor guy... when he got in the car yesterday evening - I had just heard one of my favorite songs (which also apparently had to be the new Target commercial that played over and over again last night) and the combination of that and the comfort that I feel from having him on my team... caused me to burst into tears. I felt bad because I couldn't even contain myself - I just had to laugh and the stupidness of it all!

Also last night - after I completed a good list of errands that I needed to get taken care of - I went home and was able to start those on those newly prescribed steroids... relax, and chat with another friend for a good while. (John was at a training at the church - so it was quiet, and a good time to spend chatting with a friend instead of alone with my thoughts.) This particular friend is amazing - she has the gift of always seeing the glass half full instead of my natural tendency to see it half empty.

She was incredible - I mean the first thing she said was "how can I help?" and just jumped right in there... (she wasn't the only one offering hope and encouragement either!) she talked me through it, made some jokes and helped get me through a hard night. She also came up with a plan - she is going to email me each day and have me find at least one good thing to email her about my situation.

Our women's ministry group is in the middle of a Bible Study right now - it's one of the Women of Faith series, and it's called Encouraging One Another. Which also falls into place with our message at church on Sunday about being Fully Engaged with our friends. One of the main points was that "you can't give what you don't have" - meaning that you can't pour out love on others in a way that is Godly if you haven't experienced the love of Christ in your life.

In all of this, I can't help but wonder if I could be/have been/or will be as good of a friend to those that I love and care about... in my heart of hearts - I certainly hope so. I have always been one of those people that thinks of her friends as if they were an extention of my family... I love all of them like the sisters and brothers that they are - and I hope that each and every one of you knows that it extends to you as well. I'd be there to give you a kind word and a loving push whenever you needed it - and the gesture doesn't go unappreciated when you give it to me as well.

I am grateful - even in this storm of circumstances beyond my control... I just happen to have a little personality flaw of being a bit of a control freak. My world is upset and the apple cart turned over when there is nothing I can do to help myself make things better in the moment. I don't know how to go with the flow or be spontaneous... I'm really a planner. I can't help it - I come by it honestly... my Dad used to literally have a "clipboard of FUN" when we went on trips and everything was planned out for months in advance of the vacation! (See... I can't help it!)

Once again - thank you for listening to my outburst yesterday, and for being so great about it.

Interesting Times

I'm pretty solid on my belief system as a whole - I am honest and real about it the majority of the time - almost to a fault. It shouldn't be a secret on some issues how I feel... and I'm not about debating them because it's my right to believe my way, and it's yours to believe your way.

Most of the time beliefs are built from experience - and from our own heart desires... so depending on your  belief system on the subjects at hand - you may or may not want to skip this post entirely.

I come to you from my own perspective - that's all I have to give. I am a woman that for no real reason that I can understand - can't currently concieve a child on my own. I am 31 years old, and that is just my reality. I am a woman currently pursuing adoption... that is the foundation of where I come from on these issues.

Over the weekend, a movie came on Lifetime television called The Pregnancy Pact. It was a movie about a group of girls from a small town that promise each other that they will all purposely get pregnant together. It was based on a true story, or at least a news story that was out several years ago.

I had a hard time understanding the mental state of these girls... fictional or otherwise. They seemed to have a sort of "Disneyland" view of parenthood... they literally thought that it would be fun to dress like their babies and be "like sisters." They also had no real aspirations to make something of their lives - by going to college.

Can I just be real for a second? I NEVER wanted to go to college... but I did. Want to know why? Because I knew at a very young age that I couldn't provide the life that I deserved for myself without it. Now, I certainly respect that others choose differently - but I went to college because of that mindset alone. It wasn't because I had big complicated career aspirations - I wanted to teach school (teachers who deserve MUCH more respect and salary than they get!! Can I get an amen?) - which you need a degree to do... but it wasn't like I ever wanted to be an attorney or a doctor... or a nurse.

These girls really just wanted to get married and have babies - which... hey, is all I've ever wanted too... but not at 15. It was a very sad and scary movie to watch - being someone that is about to embark on parenting a child... I wonder how you deal with those issues so that you can guide your child toward a different mindset.

Funny thing is that I posted a little something on Facebook about it yesterday - and the responses were quite surprising from some people. One interesting person that goes to my church talked about a family that lives across the street from her right now - who have a 15/16 year old daughter that has a child. They had their own daughter early, and have spent a lot of time talking about how great it is to be young and get it over with earlier in life - I've heard that before. The other thing my friend was talking about is the difficulty explaining how hard a life that is when the school system provides tutors that will come to the house while you are on maternity leave, childcare, a special bus with child seats... it's easy for them now.

I just can't believe that it's just regular every day school now with pregnant girls walking around - I mean I only graduated about 14 years ago... and that NEVER would have happened back then. (OMG - I'm OLD! I officially have an "in my day" issue to talk about now...) Girls went off to special schools to that would help them with these issues, so it wasn't in our faces like it is with today's teens. It's a very scary thing!

The other issue that came up through the Facebook discussion was a little more disturbing to me... apparently there are some folks in my life that have gone through with early pregnancies - and I applaud them for their courage on that... and for being able to find a way to make it work. Those folks sort of made me feel like I was attacking them and supporting abortion instead. Hello? Have you met me? I mean at least one of them knows very well how long I've been struggling to have a child...

I am not now - nor have I ever been a supporter of abortion... I know that people have varying reasons for supporting that issue - but for me - it is very black and white. I am not here to debate it or pursuade anyone to view it as I do... it is what it is. My opinion - and I get to make the choices for my own body - so I can only speak for knowing that the choice was long made for me on this one. Like anything else there are lots of "what ifs" that come into play... and I respect your right to consider them and have a different opinion... I really do.

I can only believe what I believe and know in my heart what I know...

Planned Parenthood actually called me to come interview with them several months ago - maybe even a year ago... they are currently about to open the largest abortion clinic in the US... can you imagine a girl going through fertility treatments working down the hall from where they would perform late term abortions?! Yeah... I couldn't either. So I never allowed them to interview me. Personal choice.

Interesting thing though, while some people are making me feel like I am supporting that movement by disagreeing with teen prenancy... other friends of mine are using my story for good... to teach their children about beliefs like mine against opening that very clinic in this area... or anywhere.

One of my coworkers this morning actually used my story in a discussion with her daughter - they were talking about that building this morning - it is just miles from our office and around the corner from where her daughter goes to school. They were talking about what will go on in that building, and some of the reasons why... and her daughter was really upset about it. So my friend turned that into a beautiful story for her daughter about all of the brave women out there that will choose NOT to go through those doors - but give a family that deserately wants a child... something to hold on to. Hope that our world can be a better place because of the few women that will choose to go a different way.

It's crazy the amount of stuff that has been in my face between that movie and this morning about teen pregnancy and abortion... it is an issue that I have a certain passion for... and a mission to help with - but then again - my poor husband knew 10 years ago that I shouldn't get started down the road of working for CPS because we'd end up having 100 children! HA!

Back/Neck Update

Well, I just got off the phone with my doctor - and apparently, I'm an idiot. Okay, let me clarify... the doctor never said that - I did. When I was there a week ago, he had a different course of treatment planned for this pain in my neck and my back... he was going to treat it with a tapering dose of a steroid type medication.

I sort of cautioned him away from that initially because every. single. time. I take steroids... I end up blind. Like can't see to drive or do much of anything that isn't right up under my nose... blind. Normally - I'm sort of an "eagle eye" with perfect vision...or I used to be - its slipping a bit as I get older.

Anyway, so with the impending blindness - I balked a little bit at taking what he wanted to give me. Dummy! Here I am a week later and things haven't improved much if any at all.

So I called this morning as promised if the pain hadn't gotten better... and I'm starting his original treatment plan this evening... just call me the HULK! HAHAHA!

In addition, he wants me to start physical therapy three times a week... seriously? Ya'll - I can't afford to do that... especially with my time right now, and seriously - if it's not a one shot deal with the copay issue... I can't pay $20 three times a week on top of everything else I have going monetarily.

Can't I just be a cute little addict over here in my corner and not bother anyone? No, I know that's not an option... nor is continuing pain.... so we'll see what they have to say and evaluate from there.

It's never dull around here!

Sinking

It's been a while since I truly felt like I am today... and I think it would be unfair if I didn't share some of this with you guys... I don't want you to think that I'm any different than the honest truth.

If you've been around this little corner of the internet for long - you've heard that we're in the process of adopting... you've probably heard about the other things going on in my life as well that are completely stressful, uncalled for, and out of my control.

I've been doing my best to try to keep it all in check and keep moving forward, but if you know me much at all - you've heard about these muscle problems in my back, and if I were a betting person - I'd venture to say that my blood pressure is suffering a bit at the moment as well.

What am I getting at, you might ask...

Well, I think I'm starting to crack under the pressure and weight of all these items that I can't control. There isn't anything I can honestly do to make any of it go faster, smoother, or better - and its making me crazy. Or really, lets call it what it is... I'd say borderline mild depression.

How do I come to that conclusion? Well:

• My eating habits are all messed up - I don't eat all day long at work for the most part, and then eat junk at home... I don't want anything that would be semi-good for me... I just want things like saltines or chocolate.
• These crazy muscle pains and knots in my back and shoulders
• I'm on the verge of tears for a good part of the day - at least the parts where I am not at home
• I have zero energy and want nothing more than to sleep it all away
• I don't really have any interest in the things that I enjoy the most - like blogging, photography, hanging with friends, or Facebook... (I'm still around on there, but not really interested... more bored and don't know what else to do)
• I'm not sleeping well at all - and the worst of it is on Sunday nights... anxiety is a killer!

I am probably leaving out a thing or two on that list - I don't really know, but I know it isn't me... or I'm losing me in the process somehow.

I know the things that I would tell my friends to do if they came to me in this situation, I really do... I know that I'd direct them to prayer, and then to a counselor...

I also know that I've been reading a Psalm and a Proverb for the day and praying... I just don't really want to see a counselor for this stuff. I know the things that are out of my control and there really isn't much that they can say or do to make that any better.

It's just that somedays are REALLY hard - even with Christ in your life... even when you know the things that you should be doing... even when you have a phenominal support system... even when you have a great church family... when you can't find the light within... somedays it's just a little more ideal to retreat away and hide in a bunker somewhere until you feel ready to come out.

Then again - those are the days that you can't run away and hide - you have to put on your big girl pants and move on... and somehow for me - the big girl pants day is the same day as the one where I would rather throw a 2 year old temper tantrum than be the bigger person anymore.

Overdue

I've been meaning to write this for a little over a week, but such is my life right now... I haven't gotten around to it until now... and maybe that is because I haven't taken my medicine for my back/neck today - which I just realized is hurting again... greeeeat!

Anyway, a very special friend of mine sent me a lovely little bundle of goodies last week - or maybe the week before - did I say that I've started to lose all track of time?!

It is a beautiful little set of reminders to keep the faith - and I so appreciate her and her friendship. You've heard me talk about Jenn before, and honestly the friendship that we've developed is nothing short of a miracle - because we are able to help each other through all sorts of trials in our lives - and I can only speak for myself... but I am a better person because I know her.

I am so excited and filled with hope that 2010 will give us at least 1 opportunity (maybe 2) to get to see each other in person and get to truly hang out with each other. That is if I can speak... hahahaha! I'm sure that with her outgoing personality - she'll have me going in a fairly short amount of time.

You wanna see what she sent? Okay!!

She also sent a very sweet note, but we'll keep that just between us... I love you girl, and from the bottom of my heart - thank you for always being there to encourage me and love me for just who I am.

I also wanted to share one of my Christmas gifts with you guys - we did some changing up of our house just before Christmas - as you all know. We used to have a fish tank in our entry way, but we took it out because we are really over the fish thing... and weren't paying as much attention to it as we did in other places we've lived.

So I asked for something to put on the wall on my wish list this year, and it is gorgeous... I love it!

This one piece totally sums up the color scheme of my whole house... the sort of rich Tuscan colors pretty much make their appearance in every room of the house.

I hope that you're all having a good weekend - we sure have! I just wish that I could make it last longer than it has... because I certainly would love (and could use - for my muscle recovery) a few more days like this!

Better Orders at Starbucks

Alright, I'll admit - I love me a good Starbucks... but I've truly been making an effort to go only once or twice a week instead of everyday like I was at one point. I also haven't gone over to clean out my Yahoo email account in a long time, and actually forgot about the cool newsletter that I get from the Eat This, Not That people via Men's Health magazine.... so when I saw this - I wanted to share it with you guys.

There are several other gems that I found in probably 30 something newsletters that piled up over there - so I'll space them out for you guys and share as I see fit... or need something to fill in some content where I have no material.

So... here are 9 ways that you can order better at Starbucks... or any local coffee shop... (remember - these are from the Eat This, Not That newsletter at Men's Health magazine, and are not my ideas... there might be some commentary from me though mixed in along the way.)

1. Always choose cappuccinos over lattes. With nearly half the amount of milk, you'll save about 60 calories per medium cup - which adds up fast. Still, when you start adding syrups and whipped topping, both can be dangerous. A large flavored espresso drink made with 2% milk can cost you about 300 calories and 8 grams of fat.

Ok, I'll admit that they are more than likely right on the money here... but do they realize that the syrups and whipped cream are what make it taste yummy? I mean I can appreciate a cappuccino sometimes for it's cinnamon and beauty - but at the end of the day - a latte is almost always a little more tasty!

2. Frozen Coffee Drinks. The worst of all coffee categories. With the heavy reliance on dairy, syrups, and whipped cream kickers, these may as well be labeled "caffeinated milk shakes." Expect to invest between 400 and 700 calories in one of these frozen follies.

I've never actually tried one of these - for some reason - I can't fathom paying $4 for something that I might not like... same thing with the iced coffee movement... I also am WAY to chicken to ask them to make a sample of an iced mocha for me to try. 

3. Flavored syrups are made almost entirely of high-fructose corn syrup. Count on 20 calories and 5 grams of sugar per pump. Luckily, health-minded places also carry a good array of sugar-free, zero-calorie syrups like chocolate, hazelnut, and caramel.

Ok, can I just say that I've tried the sugar-free options... and all you people that say it tastes the same...are full of bull! The sugar-free mocha was disgusting... and I tried the cinnamon-dolce once too and didn't think it was much better. If I had to go down this road... I'd opt for a plain cappuccino over any of these options. Kudos to those of you that like them though... you are doing much better than I am! 

4. Americano. Made from a few shots of espresso and hot water, this is the best espresso drink on the menu. It's like coffee, with an extra kick.

I don't think I have the stomach for it... I like a little coffee with my milk (and chocolate) honestly... I don't have a true appreciation for the flavor of actual coffee. The smell rocks my world and makes me feel all warm inside... but haven't gotten to that place with the direct taste of it. 

5. Quiche is good for a reliable dose of protein, but it comes at a price. Thanks to an oily pastry shell and an unfettered load of cheese, a slice may carry 500 calories or more. The best part about quiche? The simple salad that is nearly always served on the side.

I haven't ever seen a Starbucks that served Quiche... but I feel like it is a gift from God... honestly - we have a Tea Room here close to my house that sells a quiche that almost brings a tear to my eye. So, my guess here is that we're talking more local coffee shops - or say - La Madeline... yum! (I think I just drooled!) La Madeline also has a WONDERFUL mocha...unlike say... McDonald's - EWW! (After trying McDonald's once for free... I'm too scared to try any other fast food joint's coffee.)

6. Breakfast Sandwiches. This is a relatively safe spot on the menu, but there's still a strategy to getting the best sandwich. Cap the caloric load at 400 by opting for the smallest bread and avoiding sausage. The best combo? Egg, ham, and American on an English muffin.

I have only tried one pastry at Starbucks, and it rocked my world... but I think it probably packed a hefty calorie punch...and leaned more toward the quiche category than sandwich. 

7. Bran Muffin. Putting a fancy name on a pastry is like putting lipstick on a crocodile. No matter how you dress it up, it still bites. A bran muffin might come with a couple grams of fiber, but that's a small pittance for a breakfast that can easily eclipse 400 calories - especially considering that the bulk of those calories comes from the same sugars and starches that make up everything else in the pastry case.

So what they are saying is that we should just go whole hog and get the vanilla bean mini scones, right? HAHAHA! 

8. Almond Biscotti. At 100 calories apiece, this coffee-shop classic makes a reasonable treat - but not if you're pairing it with a sugar-injected latte or blended drink. Pair it with a plain ol' cup of joe or a cappuccino and you'll keep the damage to a minimum.

I don't think I've ever had a biscotti... hmmmm... breakfast tomorrow, a real possibility. Nah - I'll just stick with my coffee and see what I can find here for munchies. 

9. Yogurt Parfait. The healthiest way to satisfy your sweet tooth. The yogurt is loaded with gut-friendly bacteria, protein, and calcium, and to make it a parfait, it's blended with a mix of berries, each of which brings to the cup a unique kick of antioxidants. Just make sure the base is plain - not sugar-laden flavored - yogurt and that the calorie-dense granola is applied with a modest hand.

I haven't really embraced these yet... something about yogurt and I have a love/hate relationship. 

In all seriousness... these are good tips - and I hope that it might help some of you that are still doing well on those New Years resolutions.  

Q&A Answers

Ok, well... last night didn't happen for the answers... obviously. I'm sorry for that, but well... these darn muscles are killing me!!

 

Kristin asked:

 

Do you prefer (feel more prepared for) a boy or a girl baby?

 

I can't say honestly that I prefer one over the other at this point - maybe more prepared for a girl, since I am a girl... and there's no real mystery there... but I really am going to be thrilled either way. I think initally I thought I wanted a girl, but ultimately - I'd love to have both... so it's just a matter of order - and either one is good for me. It sort of makes it a little more like what folks go through with pregnancy this way - we get the surprise of finding out when we're chosen.

 

Are you worried about being able to bond with him/her or the baby being able to bond with you?

 

I'm not worried about this one at all - I think that we are up to the task of bonding with the baby - we've gotten some GREAT information from the ladies at the agency, and knowing that for the first two weeks... it should be just the two of us with the baby... that makes it easier. We are going to lavish the baby with love from the moment we lay eyes on them, and I have no doubt that it will be a beautiful time in the lives of all of us.

 

 

How many children do you plan on adopting? and the second part of that is would ever consider adopting an older child?

 

We'd like to have three children... in whatever way they come... we haven't completely closed the door to the idea that we might have one of our own someday with God's help. Certainly if it is in His plan... it will happen. We are completely focused on bringing one home right now... then we'll start thinking about the next steps. Our agency recommends waiting 18 months in between adoptions, but we'll see what is in store for us.

On the older child question - I'll just say "Never say never" - I don't know the answer to that, but if we feel led toward that at some point in the future - then we will explore it.

Are you even slightly relieved that you don't have to go through labor? :)

 

On this one, I'm going to have to say yes and no... I guess it's good that I don't have to go through any pain... BUT at the same time... I won't get to experience the miracle that comes through pregnancy and childbirth. I won't get the opportunity to look at my baby moments after birth (we won't see our baby until they are at least 48 hours old) - or at my husband's face the second our baby is born. So while our experience will be beautiful in it's own right - it will be different.

 

 

Does the mother and/or father ever get to communicate with the baby down the road? How does that work?

The plan put into motion by the adoption agency is that we will send letters to the mother (and possibly the father) each week for the first month, then each month for the first 6 months, and then twice a year... until the child is 18. They also host an annual picnic where the adoptive families can host the birth parents to come and spend the afternoon with us... all with the idea that ultimately - we build a relationship and possibly take it outside of those organized opportunities. It just depends on the birth parents and their feelings about being included.

Up until the time that we would take our relationship outside of the regular opportunities - everything is handled through the agency - so we'll send our letters and photos to the agency and they will then take them on to the mother.

Jenn asked: (she took her blog private - so no link)

Besides being a mom, what do you feel God has called you to do?

I'm actually thinking about that and trying to figure it out right now... there are so many things swimming around up there - and it's time to make a move toward that. Things I'm considering: writing home studies for adoption agencies, teaching (nothing new there), counseling, something ministry related, something adoption related, something totally different that I haven't considered yet (I'm open to suggestions or ideas), or something with CPS - for instance childcare licensing.

 

Where do you see yourself in 5 yrs?

Hopefully doing something I enjoy, spending time with my family as much as I can...and generally loving life. It's hard to imagine, but I'd love to have 2 or 3 kids and be enjoying our time raising a family... with the occasional date night!!

Additionally, I hope that I will still have many of the same friends that I have today - because I love them all for all of the wonderful reasons that make them each different.

 

You've had a lot of heartache lately, so what are three things that always bring you joy?
 
Hmmm... things that bring me joy...
 
* Spending time with John... especially on our date nights or staycations... doing things that are just slighly different from our routine.
 
* Spending time with my friends... I love just hanging out with the girls, and laughing. I've even made some new friendships through the blog this year that I'd love to actually be able to meet in person - two in particular. 
 
* You might find this odd, but my infertility journey brings me joy - now that I have a little distance from it... I can see the beautiful transformation that was able to come through that process. Most of all a deeper relationship with Christ... and what can bring more joy than that?! 
 
Alright - that's it for this week. I look forward to seeing what you guys have in the form of questions each week - so be thinking of stuff for next week... I'm working on a theme, but as always feel free to go completely outside of that and ask whatever is on your mind.

Is This Thing On?

Hmmm... it's T minus 4 hours before the close of the Q&A session for this week - and I've gotten zero questions... I'm going to take it as a sign that I should pack it up and try again next week on that series. It was a fairly big afterthought for me last night - I'll admit it! I didn't even remember that it was Wednesday until I did the post.

Things have been nutso in our house for a while, but my body is forcing me to slow it down a bit - the muscles are not giving me much of a break... I started off pretty good this morning, but as the day progresses my back is hurting a little bit more, and my neck is really bothering me.

I feel like we've been on a sprint for the last couple of months, and I might be seeing a slight break for a little while. Now, that being said - I of course don't have a CLUE what could be lurking around the corner.

It's amazingly exciting and terrifiying at the same time to try to wrap your mind around the fact that it could be several months before you have a child... a few short weeks... or just a few short days! Who knows?! God knows... and we'll just trust in Him to provide the strength and energy needed when it is time to take that next step.

Right now we are just trying to finish up our home study - which means:

• Taking the spam-inals (the dogs) to the vet on Saturday for their shots
• Having our Environmental Inspection completed at the house (1/30)
• Having our Fire Inspection completed at the house
• Completing our physicals with our doctor (2/1)
• Scheduling our Infant CPR class

We still have our books to finish reading as well as our infant care class to take... but we're wrapping it all up quickly... which means that I'm sort of glad that we're getting to a point where we can catch our breath for a moment, but at the same time - I'm scared of that lull being too long.

I guess I'm going through the classic "Hurry up and Wait" scenario - where there is a flurry of activity, and then you just wait for the unknown... which can be intense... thankfully we're working with some incredible women that will be there for us on the tough days. They have told us that sometimes it might just help to call them just to know that they are still there and working - which I can imagine is a great comfort while you are still waiting for that miracle.

We're also still snuggling with the little bear that we bought for the baby's bed at the hospital - it actually helps me to feel like I'm getting something done right now while my body is killing me... since I can't do much of anything else - I can at least lay with the bear to help the baby bond with me when that time comes. What an amazing day that will be...

It's hard to imagine - when you've waited this long... but I just know that my heart will be so indescribably full on that day... and I imagine there will be lots of tears of joy.

Q&A Wednesday

I know, I know... you thought I forgot... but I didn't! The fun is that I'm coming to you straight from a muscle relaxer coma... so I'm fighting to make sure that my fingers and brain are working together to put this post up for you.

Alright, so you know how this works... you have until 5:30 tomorrow (Thursday) evening to send in your questions for me to answer. Go ahead, ask anything... as long as it is suitable for a "family blog."

I sort of thought that it might be fun to have a theme each week as well - just to see what questions you guys can come up with... please feel free to go rouge and not ask something theme related. I just thought that it might help some of you that have mentioned that you have a hard time coming up with a question to ask...

So with that in mind - the theme for this week will be... Childhood! Ask me anything you can think of relating to things from childhood.

Or again... you can ask something totally unrelated to the theme if you have a burning question on your mind already.

Attitude Reflects Leadership

If you read my post from last Friday, you probably haven't quickly forgotten about it - or maybe you have... but I know some of my friends are still thinking about it. Well, things from there have only gotten worse. Far beyond anything that I would have thought possible. I have taken some of your advice, and some from offline - and when things get to a point that I'm ready to give more information, I will do that.

I'm not going to give too many specifics - but lets just say that decisions have to be made on my part - and I'm trying to work through it.

For some reason this morning - I was thinking about it, and this movie quote from Remember the Titans came to mind...

Big Ju: Why should I give a hoot about you, huh? Or anyone else out there? You wanna talk about the ways you're the captain?

Bertier: Right.
Big Ju: You got a job?
Bertier: I've got a job.
Big Ju: You been doing your job?
Bertier: I've been doing my job.
Big Ju: Then why don't you tell your white buddies to block for Rev better? Because they have not blocked for him worth a blood nickel, and you know it! Nobody plays. Yourself included. I'm supposed to wear myself out for the team? What team? Nah, nah what I'm gonna do is look out for myself and I'ma get mine.
Bertier: See man, that's the worst attitude I ever heard.
Big Ju: Attitude reflects leadership, captain.

No words could be more true in my mind... poor leadership reflects in the attitudes of the people following said leader. In some cases however, when the leader is say - a bully... or abusive... the people following that leader instead  become afraid to make a move or take a stand on their own. I'm watching it unfold live, in my life and in the lives of others - and it's a very sad thing.
 
It is true that there are different personality styles out there in every walk of life, some see that as a beautiful asset - others only want to break people down and turn them into miniature versions of their personality. I tend to be more on the beautiful end of the spectrum - because I can appreciate that people out there have talents that I don't have... but together we can use our strengths to accomplish tasks that need to be taken care of. Unfortunately, I'm working for someone that believes at the other end of the spectrum and it's not going well for either of us.
 
The stress of these two ideology differences has manifested itself into my back issues... of all things. Apparently, the problem in my back isn't isolated to that one location that was bothering me - yesterday as the day progressed - it moved up into my neck/shoulders. When the doctor checked it out - and for the record my doctor is a D.O. and specializes in some forms of muscular therapy - he found some pretty severe knots in my back and right shoulder.
 
He loaded me up with some anti-inflamatories and muscle relaxers... as well as told me to put heat on it, stretch as much as possible, and have John massage it gently until it stops hurting - then I can go have a professional massage to work it out completely. Can you imagine - the craizness of your life if it manifests itself in ways like this?! Oh and... weight gain, blood pressure rising... you know - general havock throughout much of my body.
 
Tonight is Worship Team rehersal - which means that John will be at the church for about 2 hours - and I will be bubble bathing, reading my Nook, working on another project, and praying that these muscles will loosen up slightly...

Yowie

As I sit here in the office, I am counting down the minutes until I can leave to go see my doctor. I am in some serious pain ya'll... S.E.R.I.O.U.S!

I've been having a pain in by back for a little over 2 weeks, but it's been gradually getting worse. At some point recently, John was rubbing my back for me and found a knot back there. So we decided that I needed to get it checked out.

I also have to get a physical for the adoption stuff, so it just seemed timely to make an appointment to get both of those taken care of.

This pain in my back has been fairly regulated to the evenings and when I first wake up in the morning... but today... it's killing me. I don't know if it's because I'm sitting funny to not allow the pain back there - or what, but it's even now taken over my neck.

If you guys don't mind - could you pray for healing and relief... because I'm fighting hard to keep from breaking down into tears over this sucker...

Home Stretch

I am working on getting the house ready for our appointment at 3 this afternoon... mopping, vacuuming, dusting, laundry, general domestic goddessing...

We're finishing the home study appointments today - which is sort of exciting - it means that really the only things left to complete are the infant care class, infant CPR class, my physical, the dogs trip to the vet...and that's it on our check list. I have two more books to read, but ya'll... we have more things checked off on the check list than we have left to do!!

I caught a cute moment with the camera over the weekend - of John snuggling with the teddy bear we bought for the baby to have during the first 48 hours of their life... when we are all waiting to be connected and become a family...

Doesn't that just warm your heart? The only thing that could be better would be if he were lovingly holding a baby...but then my heart just might burst! 

Glad That is Over

I know that from time to time, you guys have bad days too -for some reason right now, mine seem to be coming in rapid succession. I have to say that I'm tired of it - and it does nothing more than make me want to retreat into my house and not ever leave!

Friday was one of those days that just took the cake... I mean B.A.D. The events of the day when piled together into a complete series of events - caused me to only be able to laugh because if I didn't laugh... I surely would have been reduced to tears.

What happened you might ask?

Well.... let me tell you!

It started out with a work situation. So, most of you know I'm exactly thrilled about my job... but we have a campaign to raise money for an organization that gives us funding. If we meet our goal and get 100% participation - then we get a free vacation day.

We met our goal for this year - and I need to take Monday off... for the final home study appointment for our adoption. So I emailed my boss who is out sick, and her boss (the VP) just to let them know and ask if I could use my free day.

The VP literally calls me in to her office to tell me that she shouldn't allow me to use it because I didn't give enough money. She literally said to me: "You are paid a lot, so we expect you to give a lot. People in this organization who make less than you and HAVE kids - gave more than you did."

Oh yeah, well - do you know anything about my life? My finances? MY fertility treatments that were NOT covered by medical insurance, at all? My adoption expenses?

You might be surprised to know that I actually did talk to her about the questions from above... and she literally looked at me and said, "Yeah, someone mentioned that back when we were looking at the gifts each person gave... but it's still not acceptable." So, you mean to tell me that at some point - a group of people sat around a table to talk about what everyone gave and why? Really?! Does that seem immoral to anyone else?











I did the absolute most that I could at the time - I gave everything I had, and then some because there are little fundraisers that go on through each department for like 2-3 weeks. So I gave my gift of whatever cash I had on me at the time, and then participated in the other events... which I guess in total - I could have written the check for that and been done with it, but I chose to participate as much as possible in the various events instead.

The issue is really that she thinks she looks bad because my gift wasn't a payroll deduction gift that looks like more than it is, but we don't do payroll deduction pledges. We just don't.

I don't feel like I should have to defend my financial choices and decisions to anyone other than John and God... but apparently she felt differently.

Ya'll - it was certainly a lesson in restraint - because never in my life have I wanted to just pick up my stuff and walk out on a job. NEVER. IN. MY. LIFE.

So that happened shortly before lunchtime, and miraculously - the day went on fairly quickly... so at least the torture wasn't allowed to stew inside me for an endless amount of time - and thanks to John,  Jenn, Summer, Trace, Jennifer, Jillian, Danielle, and several others for your love and support during the aftermath of the situation covered above.

So, 4 o'clock hits... and it's time to go home. I go out to my car, pull out of the parking lot, go about a block down the street... and notice that my check tire pressure light is on. UGH! It's raining, windy and cold... so I made the decision to drive it to the nearest gas station before pulling over to look at the tires.

I get to the gas station, and pull up under the cover - it was a large gas station with about 20 different pumps - so I pulled up in between two pumps where it was dry ground. I get out and both tires on the driver's side looked fine... so I was thinking that it was going to be fine and that the tires just needed a little air because of the cold weather. When I walked around the other side of the car, I saw that the back tire on the passenger's side was completely flat.

So I called John, I was on my way to pick him up at the time... and he got one of his coworkers to drive him over to where I was to help me.

Sad thing, while I was waiting for him...I was going to try to get the tire changing started, but I am completely outside of my knowledge base when it comes to that. I placed all of the supplies out and started trying to figure it out, but couldn't.

The worse part was that I live in TEXAS, and we're supposed to be all friendly, southern, and helpful... to everyone, but especially damsels in distress - right?

Of all the men that came in and out of that gas station - not a single one offered to help a young woman in her work clothes change a tire... they just kept on with their own stuff and never even ASKED if I needed help.

The only person that talked to me during the time I was waiting for John was a lady that wanted gas money. She kept on and on about needing gas money, but all I had on me was my credit cards. I didn't have any cash - or I probably would have given her some. I felt bad for her - because she had scrubs on like she was going to work at a hospital... but I just didn't have any money to give her at the time.

John (my knight in shining armor) gets there within about 20-30 minutes, and changes the tire pretty quickly. We were on our way again by about 5. It was an inside blowout - which we've now had happen to the tires that came on that car like 3 times... or well, we replaced one with the same tire - so it has happened to two of the original tires, and one replacement!

The final cap on the day was the lovely commute home in the rain... that took TWO hours!! It put me over the edge, so we picked up some Mexican food for dinner - and brought it home. I pretty much went to bed quickly after we ate... because I just couldn't deal with anymore "fun" for the day.

Thank goodness - I followed that day up with an amazing day full of a baby shower with old friends, and a ladies night out with some dear new friends... we had a lot of our friends that couldn't come last night, but the four of us that were there laughed and had a GREAT time together. I hope that we'll have many more of these nights... and lots of girl time together.

Q&A Answers - Finally

And here is the post where I answer your questions...I tried really hard to talk myself into weaseling out on this post tonight - but I did it for you guys!! How's that for dedication to my favorite peeps?

From Heather:

Do you have baby names picked out?

We do have a name picked out for a boy or for a girl...not ready to share them yet - but both names will have special meaning and connection for us. 

I know John is adopted; was his an open adoption?

No, John actually doesn't know much at all about his birth parents - only that they were an older couple that already had two teenage daughters.

How does his experience affect your decision to pursue an open adoption?

Initially, we both had some reservations about the open nature of our adoption agency - but God has been working on our hearts, and we are much more excited about it now. One of my best friends is a birth mother in an adoption like this, and watching her family over the last few months has taught us that this could be much more of a blessing than we realized. 

After unsuccessfully pursuing fertility treatments, do you consider the time and the expense (monetary and emotional) of the treatment to still be worth it?


Obviously, everything in life has a purpose and a reason for happening... it is all a part of God's plan for us, and I wouldn't change a thing. I've got some distance from it now, and I really believe that - I think that if things had gone differently - we might not have had the change of heart or the spiritual growth that came out of the fertility treatments and ultimately ending them. 

Have you encountered any flack for changing from fertility treatments to adoption?

Absolutely none at all. Everyone we know in all aspects of our life has been completely and 100% supportive of us every step of the way - through the treatments and through this process to date. I couldn't ask for a better support system. 

From Jenn:

This may be too personal, but are you willing to share how much the adoption costs? Or at least compare it to the infertility costs?





It isn't too personal...our adoption will cost us $18,000 plus another $1,000 6 months after the placement to finalize the adoption with the courts. If it is twins, it will be $27,000. There is another option that is cheaper, but it's too hard to explain it in this format. 

It's hard to answer the comparison with fertility treatments - it all depends on the treatment you're doing and for how long... I honestly can't remember what we were quoted for IVF - but it is either roughly the same as one cycle with that or two... they say that it can take three or more cycles with IVF to make it work, unless you're incredibly lucky... so I'd say that it all depends. 

For us - it is a better option - because after all of those months of not being able to make any progress with my ovaries... we just couldn't justify putting the money towards an "IF" anymore. It wasn't a matter of when... it was very much a matter of they didn't know IF they'd ever be able to make my ovaries produce a follicle.

What are your greatest fears about the adoption?

I am doing everything I can to try to take it one step at a time... but obviously so much of this is out of our control. With a pregnancy - some of the choices are yours... in terms of the health of yourself and the child - we just have to trust God that our baby and birth mother are being taken care of. We also ultimately don't get to have the experience of being pregnant and sort of knowing who our baby will be - or when it will come... 

My biggest fears are probably similar to fertility treatment fears - to a certain extent. I still worry about if it will happen... when it will happen... and the ultimate fear would be being rejected. Since the birth mother gets to choose us - I worry about not looking like the ideal couple... meaning that we're both still overweight... would someone reject us because of that? I don't know. I hope not, but I just don't know. 

I know all of the sayings - I mean God has a plan for us and a baby chosen for us... but knowing that we'd been rejected would be a little disheartening. Finally, having the birth mother change her mind in the process would be pretty crushing too - same thing goes - ultimately that wouldn't have been our baby... but I can't imagine the emotional roller coaster that would come with that information. 

It is scary to think that the birth mother could choose us before the baby is born... give birth, wait the 48 hours before signing the paperwork, and change her mind...to be that close to having our child to bring home - and not be able to... would certainly be another test of our faith.

What kind of parent do you think you will be?

Funny, this is basically one of the questions in the home study - they frame it differently - it's more of a what would you do differently than your parents sort of question in the home study...but I'd like to think that I'll be consistent, firm, fair, and loving... Our pastor's wife, Lisa, has talked to me a little bit about how they "parent to the heart" and teach their kids the reasons behind why things are right or wrong and then they learn to govern themselves. They have 4 amazing kids - and I'd be thrilled to have children a fraction of as awesome as I think theirs are. 

I've got some amazing women in my life that are mothers - so I'm sure I'll be asking for an getting some great advice every step of the way. 

What is your maternity plan at work and is it any different from someone who is pregnant?

I am entitled to the same time off as a pregnant woman - the main difference is that I get zero compensation... NONE - if I were to give birth while at my company... I'd be entitled to my short term disability benefits for those 12 weeks and make 60% of my salary. Which at least would help - since we can really only afford for me to be off for 6 weeks... that would have gotten us to the 12 weeks without any worries.


We are still working on how this will work for us - if I use all of my vacation time for the year - I can take 8 weeks without a problem, it's just a matter of if we want to do that... John has 6 weeks vacation time - so if we did, it would mean that if the baby got sick at any point during the year - he'd have to take off to be the caretaker.  I also can use my sick time, which right now I have roughly 2 days (I think) and we gain almost a full day every time we are paid. So it just depends on when it happens...maybe I can eek out another week. 


From KLaw:

Will you change the baby's name once you are officially the adoptive parents? Or is that something that is left up to the birth mother?

Oh, absolutely we will be changing the name... actually the birth mother never files a name if it is done in their normal process - she gets to choose a portion of the name, and depending on what she chooses - we will make that the middle name or a second middle name. 


From JLI:

Does your church do baby dedications? If so, will you participate? 

 

Yes, I believe that we do them. We would absolutely love to have our child dedicated in front of the congregation that has prayed for us all throughout this process. I think it would be an honor to share that moment with them! 

 

Will you have your baby baptized early on or wait for them to make the decision on their own once they receive Jesus into their heart?

 

We don't believe in baptizing babies - so we will wait until the child accepts Christ through their own decision. 

What is your biggest fear about the day you bring baby home?

Oh girl, so many things... mostly the normal things... will I break them? will it come as naturally as I think? will I crack under the weight of all the sleepless nights? 

That is it for this week - hopefully I'll be back with this again next Wednesday to see what questions you guys have for me... 

Q&A Answers... Coming

I intended to have the answers up already, but because of some bizarre circumstances at the office - I had to help take care of some other folks... SO that being said... keep sending your questions in today, and I will post the answers tonight when I get home.

Anything you want to know about me... as long as it is rated PG... or maybe PG 13 on a case by case basis.

Q&A Wednesday

Happy Wednesday Everyone!!

Ok - so this is my second post for today - so if you don't read in a reader... please don't miss the post or two before this one talking about our adoption and all of the things going on with that.

I've got several new followers right now, and I'm thinking that some of you that have been around for a while might have some questions as well.... so I'm bringing back Question and Answer Wednesday... lets see how this goes this time around.

Leave me a question, about anything... in the comments and I will be back tomorrow to give you my answers. Any topic is fine - so long as you keep it appropriate for a "family show!"

For example: How do you feel about just realizing at 3PM that you've had the price tag on your shirt ALL DAY?! (really brilliant... that's how I feel)

Bonding with Baby

I got a comment last night that made me realize that I might have accidentally glazed over the issue of the two weeks before letting anyone see the baby.

The idea is that when babies are born, they have had 9 months being close to the mother's heart and hearing her voice. So they are naturally bonded with the woman that gives birth to them. For adoptive parents, we haven't had that time - so we have to get in there and focus on letting them get to know us and bond with us.

The recommendation from the adoption agency has a couple of moving parts that go with this process of bonding with the baby.

The first is that they've asked us to sleep with a small stuffed animal right now for a couple of weeks so that our scent (ewwww!) will be on the animal. We will seal it up inside a plastic bag, and deliver it to the adoption agency. Once our baby is born - during the first 48 hours - before the mother can sign away her parental rights... they will have the baby sleep with this animal so that they will start to get to know our scent. (Sort of sounds like we're a bunch of animals, but it makes sense too)

Then once the mother signs the relinquishment papers, we move into the more intense period of bonding with our baby. Which is why we aren't to have visitors for the first two weeks - the baby has to attach to us and bond with us as their parents.

So we are advised to hold the baby - skin to skin contact is reccommended - and I have been advised to buy a sling to wear the baby close to me so that they will learn my heart beat and voice.

Additionally, they have told us that we need to immediately begin making purposeful eye contact with the baby. There is some interesting information in some of the books we've read for the adoption about eye contact with babies. Somewhere in my reading - it said that if you look at babies that are roughly a month or two old... when their eyes look like they are darting around - it is because they are looking for eyes to connect to. They really need the eye contact - and I just think that is another of the amazing miracles of the human body and God's creation. It's very clear even from that early in life that we are made to be relational.

Once we get through those first two weeks - we'll be on the road to bonding and from there people can come and hang out with us!!

We are so excited to see where this journey takes us, and even more excited to get it started... it is hard for me to imagine sometimes what it would be like to have someone look at me one day - just me... and then within an instant be given a child that is mine to raise. What an incredible responsibility - and an awesome wonder... and I intent to soak it up 100% during those first two weeks!

Cascading Downhill

Today's meeting in a word: Rocked!

Being that I was on my own today - I was more nervous than I had been before the first meeting. That is until we got in there and started talking. These folks are just amazing - I mean instant family... and we are very much a part of their family now.

Today's meeting was all about my childhood and our marriage. The questions weren't hard like the day before they were more like: 
About my relationships with my parents.
How will I be different from them?
Who is the most influential person in your life?
Rate your marriage on a scale of 0-10.
How could it be better?
Describe your spouse with 5 adjectives.
What do you typically fight about?

Things like that, and then we had lots of time to talk about my readiness for the baby. She asked if I was ready for this to happen sooner rather than later, and I emphatically answered - YES! I couldn't be more ready for this to move forward like that - which doesn't mean that I'm not just as terrified and scared as I am excited and ready.

I see it as being like pregnancy - is there a pregnant woman out there that doesn't question if she's truly ready for the life change that is about to happen?

We talked more about the reality of not having anyone else hold the baby for the first two weeks that we have them... and about wearing the baby in a sling a lot of that time so that he/she gets used to being near my body - after being in someone else's body for 9 months.

I had a lot of questions about the birth mothers and their recovery - because that's what I worry about the most. I know in my heart that we'll be good parents, and love this baby unconditionally - the one unknown is how the birth mother will recover and heal from the process of giving her baby to us. I am confident though that if she's open to the help that our agency is willing to provide - they will be able to help her come a long way.

One thing that was brought up in this meeting was that when we meet her for the first time - we should bring her some flowers... as an ice breaker - it sort of lightens the mood for everyone in a very intense initial introduction. Then again when we go to the placement - people give the birth mother a gift. She suggested a locket where a photo of the baby can be placed... or something sentimental like that - I'd love to hear what you guys would think would be a great gift. Something meaningful and special...

What would you think of getting in our situation?

Momentum

I had to title this post like that because right now my life feels a little bit like a giant snowball rolling down a mountain....picking up speed and more and more "snow". In a way, I feel like I should be resting up like a woman in those final stages of pregnancy - in anticipation of the sleepless nights to come... but since there is no way of knowing exactly when those nights will be a reality - it's hard to plan.

Yesterday was the beginning of our home study, which I've said before consists of three parts. A couple interview at the agency's office was the first meeting, and it went really well. There was a lot of information shared, not as many questions as I thought - but the ones that she did ask were tough.

One question was about how we'd handle a situation when our 5 or 6 year old was grieving over being put up for adoption. Or what we'd do if they came to us one day while in that same age range to tell us that they want to go live with their birth mother.

Basically these questions would be the result of the child trying to process and understand what it means to be adopted and trying to figure out why their birth mother chose to give them up for adoption.

I must have looked like a deer in headlights because I didn't know what the appropriate response would be. I can't imagine anything more difficult, and not having ever been faced with anything like that before - it turned into a moment for her to counsel us.

What they'd tell us to do would be to validate the child's feelings and explain the situation to them. She said, it might be painful to hear those words - but it isn't about them missing anything or not loving us... it's more about them trying to understand why their birth mother put them up for adoption... and if it's because they were a bad child.

It'll be interesting, no doubt - but we're up for the challenge!

We also talked through some of the other things that we need to do as part of the process, some of the legal issues that can come up, and much more... I honestly can't remember it all at this point.

The neatest part of this whole process has been how wonderful the women at this agency are - it really does feel like we're part of a family. I mean we only met this particular lady in passing last time we were there - because we were meeting with someone else, but when we saw her yesterday - she immediately gave me a hug and asked if I was ready for all of this.

We scheduled our meetings for the second step of this process, which mine is today at 3... I will be interviewed on my own about my family and our marriage. John will be going through this same meeting on Thursday afternoon at about the same time.

From there, we will schedule the final meeting which will be the visit at our home - likely to happen next week at some point.

We turned in all of our paperwork for the profile, and several other documents yesterday - but we didn't initially know that our profile wasn't complete without the video that we needed to prepare. So we rushed home last time to get that done - it consists of a tour of our home and a short bit of discussion from us. It is for the birth mothers to watch and sort of give us the chance to tell them why we want to adopt, that we plan on keeping in contact with them, and those sorts of things. The idea is that they will hear it from the agency, but then they will also hear it directly from us too.

So we got all of that filmed, and John will work on getting it edited tonight while I am at a Bible study - with the hope that he'll turn it in when he goes on Thursday... which then... GASP!... means that as the agency sees a potential match for us - they can give our profile to a birth mother to make their selection for the family to adopt their child.

Please keep us, the baby, and the birth mother in your prayers right now - BIG things are happening... and we pray that everyone is safe, peaceful, healthy and secure with all of the decisions being made right now.

Cold Blood and Wedding Rings

Well, you're going to get two posts this week about people with their blood running cold out of fear...

For those of you that have been with me since the beginning... you might remember a story from early 2008... the one where I lost my wedding ring for several hours only to find it in the bottom of a box of plastic forks at my office. It was gone for probably 3 hours or so that I knew about... and I remember being so incredibly upset about it being gone.

What happened was that I'd lost so much weight that my ring no longer fit on my ring finger and it slipped off while I was getting a fork. From that day on, I've worn my ring on my middle finger. I should get it re-sized now, but I can't bare to not have it for a week.

So fast forward to today... you know that John has lost 145 pounds since March 2009... and can guess that his ring doesn't fit now either. I've tried to tell him to put it on his middle finger for a while now, but he hasn't done it. Can you guess what happened?

Poor guy, we were sitting here this evening - after a long day of grocery shopping, taking down the Christmas decorations, working on a couple things in the nursery, hanging new items on the walls, making chili, clipping the dog's nails, giving the dogs a bath, and cleaning their ears... oh and don't forget watching two Aggie basketball games... but I digress...

So we're sitting here relaxing, and John looks at me and asks if I can see his wedding ring on the kitchen counter. I couldn't... so we're off on a search and rescue mission all around the house trying to retrace his steps for the day. We searched everywhere we could think - even in some weird places... like food containers. Do you guys know where it was?! At the bottom of the Christmas tree box. We had to pull all of that stuff back out, but thank God we found it!

How was your Saturday?

Having a Life

So - there is something that I want to get off my chest...
I've made no bones to you guys about the fact that I have a certain priority ranking in my life...

1. God
2. John
3. Any children we will be blessed with
4. Family
5. Friends/Church Family
   
6. Job

I apparently am a rarity out there these days - although, I believe that a lot of my readers have similar ideals. I have boundaries, and I take pride in that...I'm sorry if others don't, or if they don't get it. It makes me sad for them... and really most of all for their families. I think it's sad that in today's society so many base their identity on their job.

Twice today, I was the subject of some snide remarks about the fact that I leave work on time. I'm sorry, but I don't think that makes me any less of a quality employee - I just don't. I do what I need to do, and I work pretty hard during those 9 hours that I am at the office... I actually RARELY take a lunch hour - so I do work a full 9 hours.

I also carpool - so it's not like I just pick up and do whatever I want... yes, my carpool partner is my husband. However, he doesn't particularly like being stuck at his office waiting on me to do something because of their lack of good planning.

In the end, it irks me...it really does - because it's not right. I do my job, and I do a good job at it. I take pride in my work, and I do the best job I can do... that translates into the other priorities as well though - I do quite a bit in the few hours that I am not working during the week... and right now - I've got obligations that are incredibly important to me.

We are in the process of adopting a baby and that takes a lot of time and dedication to work through the process. There is a lot of stuff to prepare and get done... but I do it on my own time as much as I possibly can, so show a little respect people.

There isn't a need to walk by my office when I'm working 20 minutes over my normal departure time and tell me that it is a Kodak moment. As if I would just shirk my responsibility because it hit quitting time... that's not right, and it's not the type of person I am. It isn't true and it is just plain mean.

I know some of you that are pretty close to me will say "consider the source" and "be the bigger person"... I am doing both, but I needed to vent a little bit.

Comfort Zones

Have you ever been sitting somewhere - the day is rocking along fairly well... the BAM! The kind of "bam" that literally makes your blood run cold for a bit... anyone ever experienced that?

No? Ok, it's just me then...

This has happened to me twice within the last 72 hours, and I had to make a choice on how I was going to react in both situations. Do I go with the standard reaction of letting it fester until I make myself sick, or do I face it head on and keep trying to move forward?

I chose the former in both instances... so I pushed myself outside of the typical area that I like to stay... which is to not get in anyone else's way and to let them say whatever they needed to to get it off their chest, but at the same time hold back all of my thoughts and feelings.

Before we go any further - there is something that you need to know about me: when in an emotional position... for instance a fight, argument, getting in trouble at work, or getting a really heart felt compliment... I can not physically make my brain and my mouth work together to get the words to come out. You might think I'm kidding, but this is seriously a phenomenon. If by some small window of grace - I can get the words out... I can't get enough air into my lungs to breathe in that moment... ya'll - bottom line - it's serious, and not good. (There is a lot of history and psycho babble that could probably diagnose me with something... but whatever...)

So the first one I was faced with was at work... and literally the blood ran cold... like ice. I knew it was coming based on how my vacation time went, and had some time to figure out how I wanted to handle it - but like so many of us... I had the fight in my head, and typically that is where it stays because I usually can't gain the ability to defend myself in these types of situations. More than that - when faced with the opposition that I was going to have to meet head on... it was even more unlikely.

This time, however, was very different... I sat down in front of her... remained calm, stated my case, took some of the blame... and came out on the other side. In the end, it didn't make much difference - BUT - I said my peace. In the end, it came out that I still screwed up in the eyes of this person. On the bright side though, for the first time I was off enough hormones to be able to stand there, take it, and at least tell her a few things that were wrong with her story. I feel pretty good about that at least - I didn't roll over and take it.

The second one was entirely different... it was more personal... and a deeper level of ice in my veins. This one pushed me to my limits... called all of my beliefs into question, and forced me to act. Was it scary? Yes! In the end though, it was the right thing to do. I was able to pull it all together, do what I didn't really want to do - and move forward again. I'm sure that not a lot will change as a result of my actions, but at least I know that I was the bigger person in that instant - and I did it.

It certainly would seem that God is pushing me to my limits this week - between the work stuff, personal stuff, pushing forward with the adoption so quickly, and now even some of my friends that are in need of some SERIOUS prayers... my limits have been tested. I've gone to the brink and back... or well, not quite back - but I'm fighting on for that.

Here's the peculiar thing that happens in all of this... and I don't know if I'm alone in this response or not... but once the ice in the veins feeling goes away - something else kicks in. When I am severely under stress, and I have been now for a couple of days... I literally somehow have physical reactions to the stress - unlike any that I've ever heard about from my friends. I have things like migraines, heart palpitations, dizzy spells, and even see stars - all of which have happened to me since Monday. Ok, if we get real... nausea is a big one in there too - and it started back last week - since I knew what was coming at the office!

So - I'm extremely grateful that I got a massage or two for Christmas depending on how I play it... I'm just wondering when I will use the gift cards... I could use one now, but I'd hate to not have it if I really need it later... I guess I'll make it a multi-massage deal and use one now and save one for later.

What do you do to relieve stress in a real way? Quickly... like say in the moment - how do you recognize it and stop it right there before it causes serious health risks?

Adoption Moving Forward

This has been a crazy couple of days... and I'm doing my best to get it all done, but as usual - my body is giving out on me a little bit... to be fair - I didn't sleep a wink on Sunday night, so last night was sort of a wash... even though I didn't make it to bed early, I was pretty much brain dead.

I've got some exciting stuff to tell you guys, but first - I thought I'd share a few pictures with you...

This is the newest addition to the nursery - a glider and gliding ottoman that was given to us by a former coworker of mine... it's GORGEOUS!

A view of the back wall of the room.

The next few pictures are the pages that I'm turning in for our profile with the adoption agency - these are supposed to give a glimpse into our life, but without giving specifics... it is also to show the family that the baby will be raised in... so that takes up a good three pages of our profile. If I would have had more than 6 pages - I would have loved to highlight cousins and other family members, but I kept it to the immediate family for the most part.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You might be wondering what is happening with the adoption lately. Well, the agency was closed for the holidays - so nothing much has been happening on their end. We have spent the holidays thinking about these pages and which photos to use. We've also been working on reading the 5 books that are required for the adoption and sending in our book reports. Each of us has to send in a summary when we finish reading the books.

We have also written our letters to the birth mother - we each have to write one of those, and we are currently working on writing our autobiographies. These elements along with the photos and our spiritual testimonies will be placed in our profile. The profile is the binder that is given to the birth mothers to choose the family for their baby. They all look the same, and each mother is given 3 books to look at - and the ladies at the agency said that the majority of moms will choose a family based on those initial three profiles. 

I got a call today to schedule the first meeting of our home study. The initial meeting will be our couple interview, and it will happen on Monday (January 11th) at 3:00 - we are very excited. From there we will each have a separate interview, and the final step of the process will be a meeting at our house. The lady that will be doing our home study asked that we have everything for our profile ready to turn in on Monday...so as of Monday - we'll be in the mix for having our profile shown to birth mothers. Which means that no matter what else is happening in the process - we could get a baby at any time.

We could have a birth mother choose our profile at any moment - and that would start our next phase toward getting a baby. The only unknown will be when that might happen, and how far along the mom might be when she chooses us. It could be a couple of months in advance of the birth - or it could be right after the birth... it all depends on when she connects with the agency.

We absolutely welcome prayers for us in this process, but ask that you also consider praying for our birth mother and baby - we believe that our child has already been chosen for us by God, and he's just waiting until the right time to match us all up together. So we pray that the lady carrying our child has a clear indication when she reaches our profile, and that she has a clarity about that decision when the time comes. We also pray that she is doing well with a healthy pregnancy, and that the baby will be born at just the exact time according to God's will for all of us.