Four years ago, we showed up at the hospital to become adoptive parents to a little girl. Ultimately, this would become one of those defining moments in life - where you see what you're made of under the most difficult of circumstances. This baby girl ended up not being placed in our care, but being kept by her mother. I'd like to share with you some thoughts that I wish I could send directly to her mother.
Dearest Friend,
I want to wish our girl a very Happy Birthday. I still think of her as a part of my heart, so I hope you don't mind me sharing in your love of her. My prayer for her is that she is happy and healthy. That all of your children are. I sincerely hope that you are able to care for your three girls, and any children that may have come along in the four years since we met.
I pray that our girl gets plenty of love from your whole family, and is able to grow to her fullest happy self. My hope would be that she is able to go to school and fulfill whatever dreams she might have for herself. Whether that be a doctor, lawyer, dancer, teacher, athlete, mother... whatever it is, I hope that she is supported and able to reach for the stars. The same goes for you. At the time, four years ago you were back in school trying to finish a program to better your ability to support your family. I sincerely hope that you were able to finish that, and that your circumstances have improved.
Above all else, I hope that you got my letter back then and that you don't hold on to any feelings from that time. I can't possibly imagine what you must have been going through in the hospital or the days before it. My heart can't fathom having to make a choice like that, but know that you were selfless in choosing us to potentially raise your child. Even though you chose to keep her, I know that you were just trying to make the best decision you could under difficult circumstances.
May God have given you peace in your heart over your decision. Honestly, I know you were scared and life comes at you very fast sometimes. I have thought of both of you every year on her birthday, and many other times. It wasn't long after she was born that I did become a mother - or maybe in a lot of ways, I did become a mother that morning... even though I didn't leave the hospital with a baby in my arms. I cried a lot, but I also put my faith and hope for your family & mine in the hands of God.
I'll never forget meeting you and your older girls at McDonald's in the days just before giving birth to our girl. I fell in love with your heart and spirit as I did with the sweet girl that would become my son's birthmother. I would have treasured that chance to be able to mentor you and get to follow along in the journey of your life.
Keep your head high. Trust in the Lord. Know that we love you and wish nothing but the best for all of you.
Forever in my heart,
Kim
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Three Years
Three years ago today, I woke up full of anticipation of the hours to come -- the hours where I expected to meet my newborn daughter. Instead, I would be heartbroken just a few hours later in a way that I could never adequately explain. I'd never wish that pain on any single person or couple.
I now have the benefit of time and distance, but even then - I never had anything but love for the birth mother in that situation, and certainly nothing but love for the baby. On the anniversary of that day, I always wonder what she is like.
Is she as happy, loved, and healthy as my boys? Does she have everything she needs to thrive? I can only wonder because their family situation then was dire, and I just hope that her parents have gotten their schooling completed and are able to provide for their 3 (possibly more now) children.
I know that it wasn't in God's plan for me to raise that sweet baby girl, but I still care that she is doing alright. Maybe someday in Heaven, I'll get to meet her and know that all was well with her life. It would be great to know that she had a happy childhood, and was able to go on and accomplish all of her dreams.
It would only be between today and April 9th that we waited and wondered when our baby would come, but even then - as we waited for James to be born almost 3 years ago -- I waited while holding my breath to see if his birth mother would change her mind at the last minute too. I was jaded, but in the end was pleasantly surprised.
I know that these boys are meant to be ours, and God knows that I love them more than life itself. I just think about that day on it's anniversary every year and just can't help but think of "what if" -- not that it would be better than reality -- just how would it be different type of reflection. How would our family dynamic be different? How would she and Tyler's dynamic be? Just those types of reflective thoughts -- and the hope & prayer that she is out there reaching all of her potential and being loved in the way that every child deserves!
I now have the benefit of time and distance, but even then - I never had anything but love for the birth mother in that situation, and certainly nothing but love for the baby. On the anniversary of that day, I always wonder what she is like.
Is she as happy, loved, and healthy as my boys? Does she have everything she needs to thrive? I can only wonder because their family situation then was dire, and I just hope that her parents have gotten their schooling completed and are able to provide for their 3 (possibly more now) children.
I know that it wasn't in God's plan for me to raise that sweet baby girl, but I still care that she is doing alright. Maybe someday in Heaven, I'll get to meet her and know that all was well with her life. It would be great to know that she had a happy childhood, and was able to go on and accomplish all of her dreams.
It would only be between today and April 9th that we waited and wondered when our baby would come, but even then - as we waited for James to be born almost 3 years ago -- I waited while holding my breath to see if his birth mother would change her mind at the last minute too. I was jaded, but in the end was pleasantly surprised.
I know that these boys are meant to be ours, and God knows that I love them more than life itself. I just think about that day on it's anniversary every year and just can't help but think of "what if" -- not that it would be better than reality -- just how would it be different type of reflection. How would our family dynamic be different? How would she and Tyler's dynamic be? Just those types of reflective thoughts -- and the hope & prayer that she is out there reaching all of her potential and being loved in the way that every child deserves!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Little Girl
Two years ago, yesterday actually... was a profound day that changed me forever. We woke up on February 19, 2010... full of excitement. We headed to the hospital to witness the birth of our daughter... sat in a waiting room with the lady from our adoption agency and waited. We heard the lullabies play on the loud speaker for 4 different births that took place while we waited.
After a couple of hours, the hospital social worker came to the waiting room we were in... and told us that the baby had been born, but that the mother had chosen to keep her instead of giving her to us. I remember time standing still that morning. It was an out of body experience - like I was hovering over the people in the room and hearing this horrible wail of a mother aching to have her arms filled with a child. Only, that sobbing mother was me.
We prayed with our agency representative, and left the hospital empty handed that day. It was devastating to say the least. We went home to our house that had all sorts of pink clothes, a carseat, bassinet, towels, toys... everything we needed for our first few weeks as parents. The pain sunk in a little more... I couldn't function - so I cried myself to sleep.
While I was sleeping, John quietly packed all of the baby stuff up and put it in the nursery closet upstairs out of sight. It didn't make the pain and confusion go away, but it did help to not have to walk out of our bedroom and see it instantly. We went to see a movie that afternoon to try to get our minds off of it... we saw the Tooth Fairy. (odd choice, I know)
The rest of that weekend (it was a Friday) was spent with my best friend or John trying to entertain me to keep my mind moving. Danielle took me to PF Changs for our favorite treat of Crispy Green Beans... and we did some shopping... we also saw When in Rome... which was the last movie I've seen in a theater to this day.
I remember those days so vividly. I remember the pain and heart ache of having someone promise to give you their child - then no less than a week later changes their mind and your whole world. It seems like it might be similar to a miscarriage, but it's different too - because the pain comes with knowing that the baby is very much alive... but just heading into a much harder life. This little girl's future and life is undoubtedly much harder than it needs to be.
I don't know if she gets to eat 3 solid meals every day like she should... or if she gets additional snacks. I don't know if she has proper medical care... or anything else about what's going on. I do know that when we met her mother, we secured her a stroller to use for her older children because she didn't have one - and didn't have the money for one or to get her car that wouldn't work fixed. In my heart of hearts, I would have scooped up all three of those girls and taken them in to be my own... to give them the best of what I have for their entire lives.
I think of her often and wonder if she's happy and healthy. I wouldn't change the reality of my family today, and believe me when I say that I love my boys with every fiber of my being - I just hate that we went through this pain. I wouldn't change it though, because it profoundly changed me. When you'd think that I'd be going through extreme periods of anger... I was really move worried about the baby and the mother.
In the days shortly following the birth, our adoption agency representative went to try to visit the mother and the baby just to check on them and make sure they had what they needed... but she wouldn't see her. I just wanted to know that they were fine more than anything else. I bought her a card, and told her that we loved her and were praying that they would have the best of what God would provide for their family. I remember telling her that if she ever needed anything - we'd be glad to help in whatever way we could.
We've never heard anything else about her, so I just pray still that everything is going well. That the little girl that we had named, and were prepared to love as our own - as we love James & Tyler today... is happy and healthy. I will always have a very special place in my heart for this little girl... and the way that these events truly showed me that I have the heart of a mother.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tyler Was There
Sometimes the bizarre (supernatural) way that our family came together takes me by surprise. I still, to this day will stop and think about it from time to time. (on the rare second that I get a moment to myself) As I was sitting there thinking about it - some of you went on the journey with us... some are joining in more recently... but through a good portion of the craziness - Tyler was there.
What do I mean by that? Let me show you.
January 2010:
- we were finishing our home study for our adoption agency - by the end of the month - Tyler was there
February 2010: (I will be doing another post on these topics)
- met our first birth mother, and fell in love - Tyler was there
- went to the hospital for the birth of that baby girl, ended up not becoming our daughter - Tyler was there
- went back to work a few days after having left for maternity leave - Tyler was there
- spent a good part of the month grieving for that lost baby - Tyler was there
March 2010:
- got a call from our second birth mother, even through apprehension... met her - Tyler was there
- met with our birth mother a few times - Tyler was there
- exchanged all of the stuff we bought for the little girl and bought stuff for our baby boy - Tyler was there
- had some SERIOUS health scares and issues with John, spending 5 days in the hospital - Tyler was there
April 2010:
- went to the hospital for the birth of our son, James - Tyler was there
- spend the first few hours of James life getting to know him - Tyler was there
- almost passed out feeding James his first bottle - Tyler was there
- saw James' birth mother in the hospital after the delivery, looked very sick - Tyler was there
- signed all the adoption papers to bring James home 2 days after his birth - Tyler was there
- middle of the night on our first night as parents...
We found out Tyler was coming!
Crazy to think about all of those emotional roller coaster moments that Tyler was present for that we didn't even know he was there for... isn't that amazing?! Can you see a little bit of why I wasn't able to tell that I was having morning/afternoon/night sickness... I thought it was just stress! Oh, the Lord is a funny funny man.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thinking Back
Indulge me for a minute, will ya?
In my hyper-sensitive state of mind, I've been a little reflective lately. Which made me start thinking about a year ago... imagine us being just a week or two after a failed adoption placement, and we get another call that a second birth mother had chosen us for her baby.
I remember sitting there when John called me to tell me about her thinking... yeah right... sure... whatever. I was so jaded by our bad experience that I just couldn't imagine everything working out as it was supposed to... so I sort of wrote it off for a while.
It didn't help that initially she didn't want to meet us... so that made me even more skeptical. So I just sort of sat there numb, and keeping the whole situation at an arms length. I wasn't ready to deal with that sort of pain again and therefore was going to jump head first into ignoring the situation completely.
Funny how looking back on that, the self protection mechanism was so strong... and that poor girl was just as sure as the one before her that she was going to give us her baby. She said a lot of the same things as the previous birth mother - which made it that much harder to trust her...
Now sitting back almost a year later... it's funny how I remember those moments so distinctly... but also have the peace of knowing how everything worked out, and how James is just exactly where he is supposed to be today. Happy, Healthy, and Loved by two people that desperately wanted him more than anything else in the world.
There are truly never going to be words that would do enough to express how I feel about what that young lady has done for our family... or how her actions have changed all of our lives forever. Brave. Loving. Giving. Admirable. Generous. Godly. Those pale in comparison to what should be said about her.
In my hyper-sensitive state of mind, I've been a little reflective lately. Which made me start thinking about a year ago... imagine us being just a week or two after a failed adoption placement, and we get another call that a second birth mother had chosen us for her baby.
I remember sitting there when John called me to tell me about her thinking... yeah right... sure... whatever. I was so jaded by our bad experience that I just couldn't imagine everything working out as it was supposed to... so I sort of wrote it off for a while.
It didn't help that initially she didn't want to meet us... so that made me even more skeptical. So I just sort of sat there numb, and keeping the whole situation at an arms length. I wasn't ready to deal with that sort of pain again and therefore was going to jump head first into ignoring the situation completely.
Funny how looking back on that, the self protection mechanism was so strong... and that poor girl was just as sure as the one before her that she was going to give us her baby. She said a lot of the same things as the previous birth mother - which made it that much harder to trust her...
Now sitting back almost a year later... it's funny how I remember those moments so distinctly... but also have the peace of knowing how everything worked out, and how James is just exactly where he is supposed to be today. Happy, Healthy, and Loved by two people that desperately wanted him more than anything else in the world.
There are truly never going to be words that would do enough to express how I feel about what that young lady has done for our family... or how her actions have changed all of our lives forever. Brave. Loving. Giving. Admirable. Generous. Godly. Those pale in comparison to what should be said about her.
Friday, February 18, 2011
What a Difference...
Exactly one year ago this very moment, John and I were sitting at St. Joseph's Hospital in downtown Houston awaiting the arrival of the baby that we thought would be our daughter. We waited with baited breath each time we heard the lullaby played over the loud speaker that morning. Ultimately though, we went home empty handed that day.
I can't even begin to explain the pain and sadness that we felt that morning - some people equated it to being similar to a miscarriage... only I don't think that would be accurate. I think in situations like that there are complex emotions that can't be compared or explained. I can only imagine the pain and other things that go on emotionally when you lose a baby from your own body... but I can tell you that having a failed adoption placement is unimaginable as well.
I think the fundamental difference is that you're grieving a baby that didn't pass away - it simply is living his or her life with other people. For us that was a hard pill to swallow because we knew the dire situation that her family was in, and yet someone else was rocking our baby girl that day - without the promise of being provided with the things that she needed for her life.
What a difference a year makes though, right? I wouldn't change the experience in any way - I think God certainly had a different plan for our family... and I'd say that in the long run - we've done amazing things in this year since her birth. We've got two happy and healthy boys... an impending cross country move... and a LOT to be thankful for.
A friend of mine said it best when she reminded me that Tyler was even with us that very morning... while we waited in that room... it's just hard to even put that into perspective... but it's so true, and incredible!
I love my boys with every fiber of my soul, but that little girl has a piece of my heart too. I think about her today and wonder if she's happy, healthy, and loved. I wonder if she has everything that the world has to offer her... and if her parents are still together.
Sadly, her mother chose to keep her because of the father - and being a little bit older (and hopefully slightly wiser) I know that making decisions based on a boyfriend/girlfriend just isn't a good plan. I pray that they are together not only for the sake of the baby girl - but also for the support that is needed in raising children. I pray that her mother finished the school that she was attending at the time so that she might be able to provide for her three children. (or there may be another one on the way now too)
Life can be an interesting ride. If you hold on long enough - it will all work out for the best most of the time... you may not enjoy every twist and turn, but you certainly are often changed for the better by the experiences you have in your life.
Last week, we attended a funeral and the message that morning was that life is a series of "Hellos" and "Goodbyes"... that morning we went to the hospital for what we thought would be a very special "Hello" but it turned out to be a strange form of a "Goodbye"... but it led to a couple of extra special "Hellos" that came just a short while later.
I for one, can't imagine my life any different... and wouldn't trade these guys for anything in the world...
I can't even begin to explain the pain and sadness that we felt that morning - some people equated it to being similar to a miscarriage... only I don't think that would be accurate. I think in situations like that there are complex emotions that can't be compared or explained. I can only imagine the pain and other things that go on emotionally when you lose a baby from your own body... but I can tell you that having a failed adoption placement is unimaginable as well.
I think the fundamental difference is that you're grieving a baby that didn't pass away - it simply is living his or her life with other people. For us that was a hard pill to swallow because we knew the dire situation that her family was in, and yet someone else was rocking our baby girl that day - without the promise of being provided with the things that she needed for her life.
What a difference a year makes though, right? I wouldn't change the experience in any way - I think God certainly had a different plan for our family... and I'd say that in the long run - we've done amazing things in this year since her birth. We've got two happy and healthy boys... an impending cross country move... and a LOT to be thankful for.
A friend of mine said it best when she reminded me that Tyler was even with us that very morning... while we waited in that room... it's just hard to even put that into perspective... but it's so true, and incredible!
I love my boys with every fiber of my soul, but that little girl has a piece of my heart too. I think about her today and wonder if she's happy, healthy, and loved. I wonder if she has everything that the world has to offer her... and if her parents are still together.
Sadly, her mother chose to keep her because of the father - and being a little bit older (and hopefully slightly wiser) I know that making decisions based on a boyfriend/girlfriend just isn't a good plan. I pray that they are together not only for the sake of the baby girl - but also for the support that is needed in raising children. I pray that her mother finished the school that she was attending at the time so that she might be able to provide for her three children. (or there may be another one on the way now too)
Life can be an interesting ride. If you hold on long enough - it will all work out for the best most of the time... you may not enjoy every twist and turn, but you certainly are often changed for the better by the experiences you have in your life.
Last week, we attended a funeral and the message that morning was that life is a series of "Hellos" and "Goodbyes"... that morning we went to the hospital for what we thought would be a very special "Hello" but it turned out to be a strange form of a "Goodbye"... but it led to a couple of extra special "Hellos" that came just a short while later.
I for one, can't imagine my life any different... and wouldn't trade these guys for anything in the world...
Monday, December 27, 2010
Gotcha Day
On December 22, 2010 - James officially became a legal member of our family. He's of course been a member of our family since the moment we saw him for the first time... but he's now legally a part of our family. Which means that we will now have a birth certificate for him and a social security card - both of which we've had for Tyler since about 3 weeks after his birth.
In the adoption process - they call the finalization day a child's Gotcha Day... and it's sort of like a second birthday. Of course for James - with it being only hours before Santa comes... it will be more of a special day where we'll do something extra fun as a family. Likely as he gets older - he'll get to decide how we spend the day celebrating... but this year it involved being in the court room signing papers and giving testimony in front of some family.
I've got several posts to write, but as I start getting caught up... here are some pictures from our family's special day.
We arrived at the court house quite a bit early - so James had breakfast in the backseat... and while Tyler was having some breakfast - James practiced "driving" the car... it was so stinking cute - I had to get a picture!
A picture of us before going into the courtroom... I hadn't gotten around to putting on my lipstick at that point, but immediately after this photo - I did get it applied.
Here we all are waiting to get assigned to our courtroom and listening to the judge. It was really cool how special they made it for us - how many other times would you sit in a court room and get called a "very honored guest"?!
This was during our testimony where we promised to love and care for James for the rest of our lives... we all cried. James cracks me up in this picture because he's looking up at our attorney probably trying to figure out who he is and why he's touching his head. HAHAHA!
My little brother & sister were there along with one of our nieces - they got to help the judge by picking out a stuffed animal for James and for Tyler. Of course they each got the opportunity to take one as well - the girls both got a kitten and my little brother declined. He's just getting to big for stuffed animals... now if the judge had silly bands... it would have been a different story!
Here we are with the judge immediately after the proceeding was complete... which only took a total of about 5 minutes. We're holding the boys and their coordinating animals.
Here is everyone that was able to attend with us - except our social worker, Sara... I wish she had been in a picture with us other than the one sitting in the court room waiting. Anyway - from the left: Me with Tyler, John with James, Gabby, Josh, my Dad, Brooklyn and John's Dad.
Here we are on the ground floor of the courthouse in front of their Christmas tree. We took another shot of us with our kids and the other 3 kids... and I laughed when I saw it wondering what all the other people in the courthouse must have thought - can you imagine a couple having 5 kids under the age of 8?! HAHAHA!
Here is another shot of us with all the kids... too funny. I'm sure that same thought crossed through the minds of some of the people driving by too.
Our little family - so happy to never worry about losing James ever again! The best gift we got this year for Christmas - for sure!
The family with both grandfathers... too bad none of the grandmothers could make it - but they were all there with us in spirit.
A picture with Aunt Susan... or Aunt Suz as she likes to be called. She took all the photos - so we had to use a backup photographer for this shot.
One happy Mama with her oldest little man... he's getting sooooo big!
These are their animals... which of course weren't what we'd have chosen for the boys because most of their stuff here at the house is of frogs or turtles, but the kids got James a tiger and Tyler a puppy... funny thing is that they have the same eye color as their prospective owner.
That just about covers our gotcha day festivities... we spent the rest of the day hanging out just the four of us resting and getting ready for Christmas.
In the adoption process - they call the finalization day a child's Gotcha Day... and it's sort of like a second birthday. Of course for James - with it being only hours before Santa comes... it will be more of a special day where we'll do something extra fun as a family. Likely as he gets older - he'll get to decide how we spend the day celebrating... but this year it involved being in the court room signing papers and giving testimony in front of some family.
I've got several posts to write, but as I start getting caught up... here are some pictures from our family's special day.
That just about covers our gotcha day festivities... we spent the rest of the day hanging out just the four of us resting and getting ready for Christmas.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Good News & Bad Moms
I never made it back yesterday to update on the court hearing, but everything went fabulously. There is a small bit of paperwork that needs to be finalized, but once that is done - we've got a court date to finalize! It is currently scheduled for December 22nd... and we are praying earnestly that nothing changes - because we can't imagine a more fitting Christmas gift, and conclusion to 2010 for our family.
The birth father was our main obstacle and there was a slight possibility that he might show up at the hearing and cause problems... but he didn't show up as we hoped and expected... so that was a huge blessing for us!
In other news - I'm really starting to hope that everyone in our house is on the mend from the yuck that infected us last week/weekend. James seems to be the last hold out - his tummy is more sensitive than anyone else in the family... mine being a close second to his, but this morning he's already had more formula than he had through the entire morning and part of the afternoon yesterday.
It looks like little dude is also cutting a tooth - there is a jagged little ridge on his bottom gum on one side... so that may also be partly to blame for his delayed recovery. It's hard to tell what might be a symptom of teething versus a symptom of the virus.
Can I just say that the nights are HARD?! Especially when I'm going solo... I mean honestly - it's when I want to run out to the car and drive away sometimes. (only for a brief moment and then my sanity comes back) I guess I'm not "mother of the year" because ya'll, seriously... nothing makes me more irrationally angry than these two ganging up on me in the middle of the night.
Last night for instance... I had James in bed at 7 - and the kid didn't move (literally) until 12:30... but then he was up at 3:30, 4:15, and 5:45... at which time I put him in his swing with his movie and I tried to nap on the couch. It's now 7:45 and he's back asleep... he did drink milk at each time - and finally took a full 4 ounces at 5:45, and then another 2.5 ounces at 6:45... which like I said is WAY down from his normal intake, but better than the 2 ounces every 4 hours or so that he was taking.
And Tyler... my little trooper during the day turns into super-needy pants at night - or it feels like it - because of the combination of the two of them together. Tyler took an extra long time last night to fall asleep... so I think we both went to bed around 10. He was then up at 1, 3, and 5... and has been asleep ever since.
So, as you can see... I was pretty much up from 12:30 on... hopefully James is truly on an upswing... if he continues to suck down the milk today - I might have hope for him sleeping a little better tonight, but I suspect that until he's back on his normal eating routine - it's just not going to be sleeping through the entire night. I'm a little freaked about pushing him - as that is when he had the relapse... and lets face it - the kid has some reserves to help him make it a day or two on reduced calories. I think he could live for several days just on those chubber cheeks!
Anyway - my plan is to get him eating full bottles for the remainder of a day and then try to move him back to solids. He honestly needs the fluids more at this point anyway. Our pediatrician told me during our last experience with the stomach virus that a good indication of dehydration in babies is to feel their soft spot... if it's sunken in... then that's a sign that they are getting dehydrated. Well, James' is a bit sunken in - so if I'm wrong about the upswing in his eating pattern, I'll be trying to give him some juice or pedialyte to hopefully get him rehydrated.
That's what's happening here... along with me trying desperately to chip away at Christmas. My entry way looks like Santa's workshop blew up in it... because I've gotten most of the shopping done, but NONE of the wrapping. We also had a family from our church give us 5 (FIVE) huge trash bags full of clothes for the boys in sizes 12 month - 24 month... and maybe a few in the toddler sizes too. So I'm going through those as well and organizing... they are also in my entry way right now - so it's a huge mess that is making me nuts. Hopefully I can change that statistic here today...
The birth father was our main obstacle and there was a slight possibility that he might show up at the hearing and cause problems... but he didn't show up as we hoped and expected... so that was a huge blessing for us!
In other news - I'm really starting to hope that everyone in our house is on the mend from the yuck that infected us last week/weekend. James seems to be the last hold out - his tummy is more sensitive than anyone else in the family... mine being a close second to his, but this morning he's already had more formula than he had through the entire morning and part of the afternoon yesterday.
It looks like little dude is also cutting a tooth - there is a jagged little ridge on his bottom gum on one side... so that may also be partly to blame for his delayed recovery. It's hard to tell what might be a symptom of teething versus a symptom of the virus.
Can I just say that the nights are HARD?! Especially when I'm going solo... I mean honestly - it's when I want to run out to the car and drive away sometimes. (only for a brief moment and then my sanity comes back) I guess I'm not "mother of the year" because ya'll, seriously... nothing makes me more irrationally angry than these two ganging up on me in the middle of the night.
Last night for instance... I had James in bed at 7 - and the kid didn't move (literally) until 12:30... but then he was up at 3:30, 4:15, and 5:45... at which time I put him in his swing with his movie and I tried to nap on the couch. It's now 7:45 and he's back asleep... he did drink milk at each time - and finally took a full 4 ounces at 5:45, and then another 2.5 ounces at 6:45... which like I said is WAY down from his normal intake, but better than the 2 ounces every 4 hours or so that he was taking.
And Tyler... my little trooper during the day turns into super-needy pants at night - or it feels like it - because of the combination of the two of them together. Tyler took an extra long time last night to fall asleep... so I think we both went to bed around 10. He was then up at 1, 3, and 5... and has been asleep ever since.
So, as you can see... I was pretty much up from 12:30 on... hopefully James is truly on an upswing... if he continues to suck down the milk today - I might have hope for him sleeping a little better tonight, but I suspect that until he's back on his normal eating routine - it's just not going to be sleeping through the entire night. I'm a little freaked about pushing him - as that is when he had the relapse... and lets face it - the kid has some reserves to help him make it a day or two on reduced calories. I think he could live for several days just on those chubber cheeks!
Anyway - my plan is to get him eating full bottles for the remainder of a day and then try to move him back to solids. He honestly needs the fluids more at this point anyway. Our pediatrician told me during our last experience with the stomach virus that a good indication of dehydration in babies is to feel their soft spot... if it's sunken in... then that's a sign that they are getting dehydrated. Well, James' is a bit sunken in - so if I'm wrong about the upswing in his eating pattern, I'll be trying to give him some juice or pedialyte to hopefully get him rehydrated.
That's what's happening here... along with me trying desperately to chip away at Christmas. My entry way looks like Santa's workshop blew up in it... because I've gotten most of the shopping done, but NONE of the wrapping. We also had a family from our church give us 5 (FIVE) huge trash bags full of clothes for the boys in sizes 12 month - 24 month... and maybe a few in the toddler sizes too. So I'm going through those as well and organizing... they are also in my entry way right now - so it's a huge mess that is making me nuts. Hopefully I can change that statistic here today...
Monday, December 6, 2010
Prayers Please
Will you please keep this little guy in your prayers today... our whole family really... today is the day that our social workers with the adoption agency go to court to terminate the rights of his birth parents. This is the rescheduled court date from much earlier this fall - but they had to notify his birth father of the hearing.
Pray that the birth father won't show up and complicate things - he refused the certified letter that they sent him about the hearing, but they sent him another version of it by regular mail. If he shows up - it'll make things harder for everyone.
If he doesn't show up - by all accounts the birth parents' rights should be terminated, and they will petition for us to have a court date to finalize the adoption before the end of 2010 - ideally. If that can't happen... we'll be setting it for as soon as possible.
This one final step will allow us to come completely full circle on the whole process of becoming parents... so please keep us in your thoughts today... and as soon as I know more - I'll update.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Help for a Friend
If you've been around here for a little bit - you've likely heard me talk about my favorite lady in NYC, Summer.
Summer and her husband have taken steps to begin their own adoption process, and it's a little different than ours - so they will have to do some steps that we didn't, and some things that will likely add to the high costs of adoption in general.
I'm taking these words from her blog:
We have taken steps to make our baby dreams come true via a private adoption. This is something that is in the works. We have yet to get certified, so we technically can't and aren't advertising right now. But we will be and the costs will be significant. We will receive the markup on your purchases to go toward our goal to become adoptive parents.
She has set up a store that will sell different items from t-shirts (people and puppies) to onesies... and I've got my eye on a onesie for a certain little guy in my life!! Would you take a minute and go look and see if you can help this wonderful couple out? They've gone through so much over the last two years... starting with a miscarriage that cost Summer one of her fallopian tubes to several rounds of IVF. I know of few others that deserve a baby like they do - because their house is so full of love.
So go check out her site and if you can - please make a little purchase. (I believe other designs are in the works as well)
Summer and her husband have taken steps to begin their own adoption process, and it's a little different than ours - so they will have to do some steps that we didn't, and some things that will likely add to the high costs of adoption in general.
I'm taking these words from her blog:
We have taken steps to make our baby dreams come true via a private adoption. This is something that is in the works. We have yet to get certified, so we technically can't and aren't advertising right now. But we will be and the costs will be significant. We will receive the markup on your purchases to go toward our goal to become adoptive parents.
She has set up a store that will sell different items from t-shirts (people and puppies) to onesies... and I've got my eye on a onesie for a certain little guy in my life!! Would you take a minute and go look and see if you can help this wonderful couple out? They've gone through so much over the last two years... starting with a miscarriage that cost Summer one of her fallopian tubes to several rounds of IVF. I know of few others that deserve a baby like they do - because their house is so full of love.
So go check out her site and if you can - please make a little purchase. (I believe other designs are in the works as well)
Monday, March 15, 2010
Scars
I'm still here - I know that I missed blogging over the weekend... but things got hectic. We went to a concert on Friday night, which went later than we anticipated. Saturday was full of shopping, baking, weed pulling and dinner with my sister's family. Sunday was church, more weed pulling, and small group.
So to say that my body aches from the weed pulling is an understatement, but even though I can barely stand up - for that reason and the head cold that is brewing in my brain - I did find the weed pulling a bit therapeutic to a certain extent.
I guess sort of the idea of getting rid of the toxic things so that the beautiful things can begin to grow back in our lives... I don't know, but it sort of made sense to me at the time.
It's no secret that this has been incredibly hard on me - and the one month anniversary of the baby's birth is on Friday... which has me thinking all the more about her and how she's doing. I don't really know what the future holds, but I know that this rocked me to my core.
I just sort of have felt dead inside lately - which is scary. I don't really feel much of anything at all... no big highs or lows... just a steady flow of nothing. We had a great message at church yesterday - and it seemed like everyone else was engaged - but to me it was like an out of body experience. I don't know how to let it go, to really feel in my heart that God has a bigger plan, and get back to living.
I don't know how to lay it at his feet this time - because in so many ways - I still feel like he could have easily fixed it and made it a beautiful moment in our lives... but for whatever reason he didn't, and in my humanity - I can't seem to just have faith without knowing the "why."
Somewhere in there - I guess that I know there is another baby out there for us - the one that we are meant to parent... but I'm so scared of opening myself up to that possibility. Opening yourself up for that is like ripping off the band-aid and knowing that an even deeper cut can immediately happen at that moment. Does that make any sense?
I guess it's like a bad breakup - the kind where it hurt so bad - you're scared to trust anyone again or open yourself up for that kind of pain. Even though you know in your heart and in your mind that without opening yourself up to that again - you can't ever experience the miracle... but still you are so scared of feeling the pain again - it almost paralyzes you.
That is pretty much where I am at the moment. Scared to move forward, but scared not to at the same time. Just scared to feel...
So to say that my body aches from the weed pulling is an understatement, but even though I can barely stand up - for that reason and the head cold that is brewing in my brain - I did find the weed pulling a bit therapeutic to a certain extent.
I guess sort of the idea of getting rid of the toxic things so that the beautiful things can begin to grow back in our lives... I don't know, but it sort of made sense to me at the time.
It's no secret that this has been incredibly hard on me - and the one month anniversary of the baby's birth is on Friday... which has me thinking all the more about her and how she's doing. I don't really know what the future holds, but I know that this rocked me to my core.
I just sort of have felt dead inside lately - which is scary. I don't really feel much of anything at all... no big highs or lows... just a steady flow of nothing. We had a great message at church yesterday - and it seemed like everyone else was engaged - but to me it was like an out of body experience. I don't know how to let it go, to really feel in my heart that God has a bigger plan, and get back to living.
I don't know how to lay it at his feet this time - because in so many ways - I still feel like he could have easily fixed it and made it a beautiful moment in our lives... but for whatever reason he didn't, and in my humanity - I can't seem to just have faith without knowing the "why."
Somewhere in there - I guess that I know there is another baby out there for us - the one that we are meant to parent... but I'm so scared of opening myself up to that possibility. Opening yourself up for that is like ripping off the band-aid and knowing that an even deeper cut can immediately happen at that moment. Does that make any sense?
I guess it's like a bad breakup - the kind where it hurt so bad - you're scared to trust anyone again or open yourself up for that kind of pain. Even though you know in your heart and in your mind that without opening yourself up to that again - you can't ever experience the miracle... but still you are so scared of feeling the pain again - it almost paralyzes you.
That is pretty much where I am at the moment. Scared to move forward, but scared not to at the same time. Just scared to feel...
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sometimes...For No Reason
Sometimes...for no reason at all... sadness takes hold of my heart.
Sadness about wanting so desperately to give my husband the gift of fatherhood.
Sadness that there is a hole in my heart - that could be filled rocking a baby to sleep and comforting them with the love only a mother could give.
Sadness that my body won't produce the eggs that would allow us to have a child that is a little bit John and a little bit me.
Sadness that punches me in the gut whenever I see a baby, a stroller, or a pregnant woman. Sadness that I can't do anything to change this situation.
Sadness that sometimes even going to church is hard for me because I know that I will see all sorts of families (of people I love) and have guilt because of my jealousy.
Sadness that the above even applies to my own family & friends at times... which leads to even more guilt than when it applies to strangers.
Sadness that it didn't occur to me that John might be holding in his hurt just to protect me... which I found out today was actually the case. I love that he wants to be strong and take care of me... but I also find comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one hurting.
Sadness that for the last three weeks, I have felt spiritually dead in so many ways.
Sadness that right now the last thing I want to hear is another Bible verse that should give me comfort - but in reality just makes me more confused about why I have to endure so much.
Sadness that I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.
All of this leads into embarrassment - because I feel so weak to control my emotions at times... and often when they take over in the biggest ways - I'm completely incapable of articulating what is even going on.
Today hasn't been a good day... and I just needed to get my toughts down for some much needed potential therapy.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Just Keep Swimming
I can't believe that it's almost been a week since my last post - the time has certainly been flying by and I've been struggling to keep up. The four days that I have been back at work have been incredibly busy and I haven't even found the strength or time to put up the photos I took at the event last Thursday, but I promise that I will get to them!
I think I have now survived most of the big things that I needed to in order to move forward with life in general after the loss of the baby - and it has been incredibly hard at times. (As can be expected, I guess.) Some things that I would think would be the hardest - I've managed to get through without problems and at other times the opposite is true too.
I've been trying to take the approach of one of the cutest of animated charaters... and just keep swimming...
There aren't many certainties in life, but I guess one that you can count on is that you just have to keep going... keep putting one foot in front of the other, and pray that God will carry you to where ever he wants you to go.
There have been some tough moments, like I said earlier - but I've been amazed at the grace that was poured over me at those times... like at the event, I had no less that four coworkers directly ask me about the baby... or really why I was at the event and not at home with the baby... and I managed to get through those encounters without a tear. I certainly wouldn't have thought that was possible, but I am grateful that it was - because it wasn't a good time for a breakdown.
Other times have been harder, like going back to church on Sunday. I guess one of the hardest parts is the blaring realization in a place like that - FULL of pregnant folks and families - is the realization that something is missing from our lives still. I worked in the toddler room most of the last couple of years... until I just couldn't handle it anymore. The parents picking up their kids every week was more than I could handle. So I was really worried about having to be faced with that in light of the current hole in my heart... but we got through it.
It's interesting to me how the people that are so much a part of my life - my church family - can be the ones that I fear the most in certain circumstances. It's certainly not because of anything they do... it's just that a good majority of them have the thing that I so desperately want in my life, and it's hard to be reminded of that when the pain and emotion is so raw.
We've got our final fire inspection today, and that will complete everything that we needed to do before the baby comes - except for finishing up reading the two remaining books that we have... I'm halfway through one of them - but basically all we can do now is sit and wait...
Wait for the next time that someone chooses us. Pray that the next time is different. Pray that God spares us from this type of hurt again. Pray that we soon will carry a sweet baby into our home.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Beyond Exhaustion
I might have miscalculated a few things that happen when you have a pretty severe emotional trauma go on in your life. I did not expect that the level of exhaustion to be this high with one day back at the office, but then again... it is MY office!
It took several deep breaths for me to walk in this morning... a round of tears while getting dressed...and of course my pacifier, Starbucks... but I did it.
I was there all of about an hour before the tears started up again. One of my coworkers came by trying to be sweet and supportive, but he just had this look of pity on his face... which proved to be WAY more than I could handle. I saw that look on everyone's face this morning, and I guess I will continue to see it until I've seen everyone in my life for the first time.
Not long after that, another coworker came in - and since she and I are on the same level - she filled me in on all the happenings of the office since I'd left. In three days - THREE DAYS - they managed to promote our Vice President to Senior VP & Chief Development Officer... hire a new Vice President to manage us.... AND my supervisor went out on medical leave herself. Basically all of this happened between Monday and Tuesday... but GEEZ!
With our major fundraiser happening tomorrow - as you can imagine - today was nonstop... but I can say that thanks to John, I was picked up at 4:30... he had me tell them on Monday when I decided when I'd go back to work that I couldn't work late tonight. He thought that working 8 hours was more than enough for me to be expected to endure... and he was right that I couldn't have handled any more.
Tomorrow will be spent at the hotel entirely - but hopefully I'll get some pictures to share with you like I did last year... the food is usually incredible... and you know how I love food! The dessert last year with the gold flakes on it was to die for... so I can't wait to see what they came up with for this year.
Overall, it could have been worse... but it wasn't easy. I did manage to get my card/note for Ashlie in the mail to our adoption agency today - and I felt good about that. One thing that I can hold my head high about is the fact that through all of this - I have not once gotten angry directly at Ashlie or the birth father... and really have mourned the loss of having her as a part of our family every bit as much as the baby.
Last night, one special friend of mine - who used to be an English teacher sent me this... after it snowed in Houston for the second time this year... but it was very special... so I thought I'd share:
Ok- symbolism from an English teacher: It is snowing on your anniversary( In Texas!) Snow always symbolizes the laying down of something fresh and pure. God may be saying ok- start over from here- take a fresh start and the blessings will soon come! God is in control and has many ways of speaking to us. What a blessing- snow on your anniversary! Definite blessings in your marriage and family in 2010!
It took several deep breaths for me to walk in this morning... a round of tears while getting dressed...and of course my pacifier, Starbucks... but I did it.
I was there all of about an hour before the tears started up again. One of my coworkers came by trying to be sweet and supportive, but he just had this look of pity on his face... which proved to be WAY more than I could handle. I saw that look on everyone's face this morning, and I guess I will continue to see it until I've seen everyone in my life for the first time.
Not long after that, another coworker came in - and since she and I are on the same level - she filled me in on all the happenings of the office since I'd left. In three days - THREE DAYS - they managed to promote our Vice President to Senior VP & Chief Development Officer... hire a new Vice President to manage us.... AND my supervisor went out on medical leave herself. Basically all of this happened between Monday and Tuesday... but GEEZ!
With our major fundraiser happening tomorrow - as you can imagine - today was nonstop... but I can say that thanks to John, I was picked up at 4:30... he had me tell them on Monday when I decided when I'd go back to work that I couldn't work late tonight. He thought that working 8 hours was more than enough for me to be expected to endure... and he was right that I couldn't have handled any more.
Tomorrow will be spent at the hotel entirely - but hopefully I'll get some pictures to share with you like I did last year... the food is usually incredible... and you know how I love food! The dessert last year with the gold flakes on it was to die for... so I can't wait to see what they came up with for this year.
Overall, it could have been worse... but it wasn't easy. I did manage to get my card/note for Ashlie in the mail to our adoption agency today - and I felt good about that. One thing that I can hold my head high about is the fact that through all of this - I have not once gotten angry directly at Ashlie or the birth father... and really have mourned the loss of having her as a part of our family every bit as much as the baby.
Last night, one special friend of mine - who used to be an English teacher sent me this... after it snowed in Houston for the second time this year... but it was very special... so I thought I'd share:
Ok- symbolism from an English teacher: It is snowing on your anniversary( In Texas!) Snow always symbolizes the laying down of something fresh and pure. God may be saying ok- start over from here- take a fresh start and the blessings will soon come! God is in control and has many ways of speaking to us. What a blessing- snow on your anniversary! Definite blessings in your marriage and family in 2010!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sight Unseen
In honor of our 8th anniversary today - I thought I'd tell you a story that sort of relates to the last few days. Some of you may know the story of how John and I met, but some of you may not... so just humor me and let me tell the story.
When I was 18, the internet was just getting popular and America Online was all the rage... so of course I joined it to stay in touch with friends that had scattered off to various colleges. In the spring semester of my first year in college...John send me an instant message on AOL. We chatted for a while, and eventually he asked if I had a picture of myself to send to him. I sent him my favorite photo of myself, but it was from 10th grade...which made him think I was too young for him. (We have a 5 year age difference) So that abruptly ended our chatting online.
Roughly a year later, I was in an abusive relationship - and John popped back into my life via AOL again. He was seeing someone at the time, but desperately tried to help me have the courage to walk away from the relationship I was in... it didn't work, and once again we parted ways online.
Another year passed, and John popped into my life one more time. This time we were both single, and open to exploring a relationship together. It took us about a month or so before we were able to get together for our first date. Before that time came, we had both already told each other that we loved each other... sight unseen. We literally fell in love with the people we are on the inside before we ever really had seen each other. I think that is one of the most beautiful things about our relationship... of course we weren't disappointed on the physical beauty either... but that was secondary.
In so many ways, this translates to the experience we've had with the baby as well... because I literally fell in love with her sight unseen as well. I guess this is one way that I know that I have a mother's heart... because the hardest part for me to reconcile for myself is that her life will certainly be different now than it would have been with us.
I can't say that it will be worse, but it certainly will be harder. Her parents have two other young children to care for, with VERY limited means to take care of them. There certainly won't be much left over after their basic needs are met - if they can afford to meet all of those needs - for anything extra like vacations or extra curricular activities... which saddens me.
Another thing that saddens me is the fact that I had fallen in love with the birth mother, Ashlie. I was so impressed by her - and the similarities in personality that I saw between the two of us. In my mind, I was looking forward to having her be a part of our extended family and being able to become friends with her... mentor her whenever possible... and share the next 18 years of the baby's life with her - and beyond.
I reached out to our agency today, and found out that they visited Ashlie yesterday. They told her that if she changed her mind, to call them... but the birth father has moved back in and is helping her raise the children. I can only hope that he will still around for the long-term, but I know that from what I've heard there were problems in their relationship that a baby just won't solve.
Our profile is there ready to be shown to another birth mother when needed... and I'm sending a card to Ashlie to let her know that we love her and are continuing to pray for her as well as her family - that they have continued happiness and love.
For tonight, John and I will try to celebrate our anniversary by having dinner and curling up to watch a movie by our fireplace. It's certainly not how we planned on celebrating this day, but drawing strength from each other is what we need to do right now. I will be preparing to go back to work tomorrow - which still seems to be the thing that scares me the most. I guess because it is truly the last thing that will happen to move on without this baby and that just breaks my heart. One day at a time though... that's all I can ask for.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Breaking Out
I can't begin to explain how or why this is happening... but the very thought of getting off my couch right now is un-nerving... to the point of that being one of the biggest moments that the tears start flowing. I can't even put clear thoughts together as to what that is about, but I just know that it happens.
Friday, John wanted to keep me busy so that I wouldn't think about things... so we went out initially to go to lunch and then a movie, but about halfway to lunch - it became apparent that I just wasn't going to be able to hold it together in a restaurant... so we went to the mall instead for a few minutes, and then saw The Tooth Fairy at one of those theater/restaurant places. I had a hard time paying attention to the movie, but I don't think I had any crying fits through it either - so I guess it was a mission accomplished.
On Saturday, it was Danielle's job to keep me busy - so she was going to pick me up at 8:30 in the morning... at that point in time, I couldn't even breathe at the thought of leaving the house... literally - I would almost hyperventilate. So I sent her a text message that I couldn't do it. So she let me stay in my pajamas until time for a 2:40 showing of When in Rome followed by a trip to World Market and dinner at "our place." (aka PF Chang's)
I hadn't left the house again since I got home on Saturday at 8:30ish, and today when John suggested we make a quick trip to Home Depot and Bed, Bath & Beyond... it was more than I could handle. It took me about an hour and a half to work up to it... but we made it. I cried before we left, while we were driving, and on the way home... then again when we got home... but we made it. We got a few goodies for the garden, and for us too.
I decided then that I needed another day before going back to work - this is a very high stress week at my office with a big fundraiser on Thursday. So the idea of going back and jumping into something like that puts me on edge, but I've asked that they not expect me to work late on Wednesday night - which really was more of a request from John... because he doesn't want me to be driving right now. He is afraid that if I got really upset in the car - that I could have an accident. I also asked that they find me something lower profile and lower stress to do at the event on Thursday.
Last year, I was the girl that the angry and upset people would go to when they weren't on the original guest list and it would be my job to try to find them a seat in the ballroom. My personality on a normal day doesn't lend well to that kind of stress, but right now - I could just see it as a moment that could push me over the edge and cause a meltdown... which is not what anyone would want in that environment.
I am terrified of going back to work, but I guess that I've got to get back out there sometime. I really just want to hide until I can get to a place where I understand in my heart what happened, but I can't afford that... so I'll try to get back on the horse in one more day.
I have been humbled and amazed at how wonderful everyone has been the last few days. Your comments, the comments on Facebook, chatting with a couple of you online (Jenn & Summer) and even the emails have been wonderful. I've gotten a couple of messages about people wishing they could hop on a plane and just come sit with me while I cry it out... which is exactly the response I would have if anyone I cared about were going through something like this. While, I don't like the idea of my friends hurting because of our situation... knowing that you are out there and that you care means a great deal to both John and I.
I got a couple of responses to my request for guest posts that said I should continue to post what is happening with me even during this time - because it is therapeutic for me, my words are beautiful, and people want to know how I'm doing... so I will continue to post as often as I feel up to it. Any of you that offered to write a post - I'd love to get them still... just to have a little variety in the wake of this storm.
Friday, John wanted to keep me busy so that I wouldn't think about things... so we went out initially to go to lunch and then a movie, but about halfway to lunch - it became apparent that I just wasn't going to be able to hold it together in a restaurant... so we went to the mall instead for a few minutes, and then saw The Tooth Fairy at one of those theater/restaurant places. I had a hard time paying attention to the movie, but I don't think I had any crying fits through it either - so I guess it was a mission accomplished.
On Saturday, it was Danielle's job to keep me busy - so she was going to pick me up at 8:30 in the morning... at that point in time, I couldn't even breathe at the thought of leaving the house... literally - I would almost hyperventilate. So I sent her a text message that I couldn't do it. So she let me stay in my pajamas until time for a 2:40 showing of When in Rome followed by a trip to World Market and dinner at "our place." (aka PF Chang's)
I hadn't left the house again since I got home on Saturday at 8:30ish, and today when John suggested we make a quick trip to Home Depot and Bed, Bath & Beyond... it was more than I could handle. It took me about an hour and a half to work up to it... but we made it. I cried before we left, while we were driving, and on the way home... then again when we got home... but we made it. We got a few goodies for the garden, and for us too.
I decided then that I needed another day before going back to work - this is a very high stress week at my office with a big fundraiser on Thursday. So the idea of going back and jumping into something like that puts me on edge, but I've asked that they not expect me to work late on Wednesday night - which really was more of a request from John... because he doesn't want me to be driving right now. He is afraid that if I got really upset in the car - that I could have an accident. I also asked that they find me something lower profile and lower stress to do at the event on Thursday.
Last year, I was the girl that the angry and upset people would go to when they weren't on the original guest list and it would be my job to try to find them a seat in the ballroom. My personality on a normal day doesn't lend well to that kind of stress, but right now - I could just see it as a moment that could push me over the edge and cause a meltdown... which is not what anyone would want in that environment.
I am terrified of going back to work, but I guess that I've got to get back out there sometime. I really just want to hide until I can get to a place where I understand in my heart what happened, but I can't afford that... so I'll try to get back on the horse in one more day.
I have been humbled and amazed at how wonderful everyone has been the last few days. Your comments, the comments on Facebook, chatting with a couple of you online (Jenn & Summer) and even the emails have been wonderful. I've gotten a couple of messages about people wishing they could hop on a plane and just come sit with me while I cry it out... which is exactly the response I would have if anyone I cared about were going through something like this. While, I don't like the idea of my friends hurting because of our situation... knowing that you are out there and that you care means a great deal to both John and I.
I got a couple of responses to my request for guest posts that said I should continue to post what is happening with me even during this time - because it is therapeutic for me, my words are beautiful, and people want to know how I'm doing... so I will continue to post as often as I feel up to it. Any of you that offered to write a post - I'd love to get them still... just to have a little variety in the wake of this storm.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Pain and Understanding
I've spent the better part of the last 50+ hours trying to understand what has happened to us within the last 12 days or so. It's truly hard to comprehend. The extreme highs and then the lowest low that I've ever felt in my entire life. It's almost beyond being able to write about it.
It started about a week ago Tuesday, when we got a phone call that a birth mother had chosen us for her baby. We set up a meeting with her because she was going to be having the baby quickly, and we met her the very next day. The meeting went extremely well, in spite of some initial nervousness on all of our parts. The meeting lasted about an hour, and from there our lives spun off into a tailspin of getting ready for not only a baby... but a baby girl.
We learned at the meeting that by the following Monday we'd know the day that our baby would be born. So we set out to get our registries set up, get meals made for the freezer, attend the classes that we needed for the adoption agency, get everything at work ready to be without me for 8 weeks, and all the other things that one would do to get ready for your entire life to change.
Fast forward, and we found out that our birth mother would be induced on Friday morning and that she wanted us to be at the hospital. She also wanted to give me the second wrist band so that I would have access to the baby to begin bonding with her immediately. So we made our final preparations for all the expected excitement... including spending some time on our knees praying that everything would go well for the baby, the mother, and for us the next day.
Friday morning we headed to the hospital, and found a waiting room to take up our post... we got there at about 6:30 in the morning... and by 9:30-10... our world took another drastic turn in a direction we hadn't ever expected. The nurse with our adoption agency spoke with the mother a few times the night before, and because of some concern with the birth father's family... she had convinced her to be a "no information" patient. Which meant that no one could get any information on how things were going with the delivery. So we had to wait for the hospital's social worker to go check on her... and that's when we found out that the father talked the mother into keeping the baby.
They have no money, and three children under the age of 2 1/2 now... and I can't even comprehend what happened to us. One minute we were sitting in a room waiting for the most exciting thing to happen in our married lives... and the next - all of the air in the room was sucked out and I couldn't breathe. As I sat there crying and reeling from the news that we'd just gotten... John and our agency rep, Cindy, put their hands on me and both prayed separately.
The only thing I can think to compare this to is a miscarriage, only its not the same as that either. Somewhere out there, our baby girl - the one that we've dreamed about - is out there with someone else. All because she held the decision for our lives in her hands. I struggle to understand all of this because there is such uncertainty - the mother could change her mind... and she was so incredibly sure of herself for the 10 days leading up to the birth.
I struggle to understand how within a matter of less than 8 hours - she completely changed everything in her life for this boy that hadn't been involved in her life for the months of the pregnancy. I struggle to understand how or why God could put us through yet another horribly painful series of events like this.
I don't know how to let go - or move on... I've prayed, I've begged, I've allowed others to try to keep me busy in attempts to keep my mind off of things... but nothing is working. The pain is still there and it still takes my breath away. I don't know if I'll ever understand it... I really don't.
In my heart this was my baby... the timing of her birthday fell right into the pattern of all the other grandchildren on my Dad's side of the family... the impending birth of this little girl bridged some relationships in our lives... and had the promise of giving us such a story to tell of God's glory. Right now, all I can feel is an incredible sense that I'm being punished for something... and I can't for the life of me figure out what that "something" is.
I'm even questioning now the ability to use the name that I have dreamed about for my daughter since I was 6 years old... because I gave it in my heart and in my mind to this baby... and I just don't know if I could turn around and use it for a different baby.
I'm not sure how to put my life back together... how to go back to work instead of being on my maternity leave... how to be in public again with all the babies, mothers, strollers, and pregnant women... how to get off of the couch... how to breathe anymore...
The one thing I learned is that I am a much more open person than your typical adoptive/infertile woman... I need to be able to share the highs and lows with all of you that are reading... and I tried to follow along with the guidelines set forth by our agency to not tell anyone when we get matched up... well, that isn't how I roll... and I found myself devastated by this... crushed, really... and it was the first that many of you had even heard about there being a match.
I don't know what the future holds for us in this process... but knowing how badly it hurts... I know that I can share it with you all - the good and the bad... and you'll be there. So I am grateful for that. Next time, we will undoubtedly do some things differently, including being more open... or at least that is my plan.
One thing I can say is that once again, our support system has been incredible... sometimes I know that there aren't words that can fix the pain, but just knowing that you're all out there and that you care is comforting. If it weren't for John & Danielle taking care of me... I probably wouldn't have eaten or even gotten dressed in the last couple of days... they mean the world to me. The constant text messages of love and support - along with emails and Facebook have been incredible... I love you all dearly.
In the meantime, friends... I need some of you to help me keep this little blog running... I will post some when I can.... but I need some of you to write some posts for me to use when I just can't muster any words to share.
It started about a week ago Tuesday, when we got a phone call that a birth mother had chosen us for her baby. We set up a meeting with her because she was going to be having the baby quickly, and we met her the very next day. The meeting went extremely well, in spite of some initial nervousness on all of our parts. The meeting lasted about an hour, and from there our lives spun off into a tailspin of getting ready for not only a baby... but a baby girl.
We learned at the meeting that by the following Monday we'd know the day that our baby would be born. So we set out to get our registries set up, get meals made for the freezer, attend the classes that we needed for the adoption agency, get everything at work ready to be without me for 8 weeks, and all the other things that one would do to get ready for your entire life to change.
Fast forward, and we found out that our birth mother would be induced on Friday morning and that she wanted us to be at the hospital. She also wanted to give me the second wrist band so that I would have access to the baby to begin bonding with her immediately. So we made our final preparations for all the expected excitement... including spending some time on our knees praying that everything would go well for the baby, the mother, and for us the next day.
Friday morning we headed to the hospital, and found a waiting room to take up our post... we got there at about 6:30 in the morning... and by 9:30-10... our world took another drastic turn in a direction we hadn't ever expected. The nurse with our adoption agency spoke with the mother a few times the night before, and because of some concern with the birth father's family... she had convinced her to be a "no information" patient. Which meant that no one could get any information on how things were going with the delivery. So we had to wait for the hospital's social worker to go check on her... and that's when we found out that the father talked the mother into keeping the baby.
They have no money, and three children under the age of 2 1/2 now... and I can't even comprehend what happened to us. One minute we were sitting in a room waiting for the most exciting thing to happen in our married lives... and the next - all of the air in the room was sucked out and I couldn't breathe. As I sat there crying and reeling from the news that we'd just gotten... John and our agency rep, Cindy, put their hands on me and both prayed separately.
The only thing I can think to compare this to is a miscarriage, only its not the same as that either. Somewhere out there, our baby girl - the one that we've dreamed about - is out there with someone else. All because she held the decision for our lives in her hands. I struggle to understand all of this because there is such uncertainty - the mother could change her mind... and she was so incredibly sure of herself for the 10 days leading up to the birth.
I struggle to understand how within a matter of less than 8 hours - she completely changed everything in her life for this boy that hadn't been involved in her life for the months of the pregnancy. I struggle to understand how or why God could put us through yet another horribly painful series of events like this.
I don't know how to let go - or move on... I've prayed, I've begged, I've allowed others to try to keep me busy in attempts to keep my mind off of things... but nothing is working. The pain is still there and it still takes my breath away. I don't know if I'll ever understand it... I really don't.
In my heart this was my baby... the timing of her birthday fell right into the pattern of all the other grandchildren on my Dad's side of the family... the impending birth of this little girl bridged some relationships in our lives... and had the promise of giving us such a story to tell of God's glory. Right now, all I can feel is an incredible sense that I'm being punished for something... and I can't for the life of me figure out what that "something" is.
I'm even questioning now the ability to use the name that I have dreamed about for my daughter since I was 6 years old... because I gave it in my heart and in my mind to this baby... and I just don't know if I could turn around and use it for a different baby.
I'm not sure how to put my life back together... how to go back to work instead of being on my maternity leave... how to be in public again with all the babies, mothers, strollers, and pregnant women... how to get off of the couch... how to breathe anymore...
The one thing I learned is that I am a much more open person than your typical adoptive/infertile woman... I need to be able to share the highs and lows with all of you that are reading... and I tried to follow along with the guidelines set forth by our agency to not tell anyone when we get matched up... well, that isn't how I roll... and I found myself devastated by this... crushed, really... and it was the first that many of you had even heard about there being a match.
I don't know what the future holds for us in this process... but knowing how badly it hurts... I know that I can share it with you all - the good and the bad... and you'll be there. So I am grateful for that. Next time, we will undoubtedly do some things differently, including being more open... or at least that is my plan.
One thing I can say is that once again, our support system has been incredible... sometimes I know that there aren't words that can fix the pain, but just knowing that you're all out there and that you care is comforting. If it weren't for John & Danielle taking care of me... I probably wouldn't have eaten or even gotten dressed in the last couple of days... they mean the world to me. The constant text messages of love and support - along with emails and Facebook have been incredible... I love you all dearly.
In the meantime, friends... I need some of you to help me keep this little blog running... I will post some when I can.... but I need some of you to write some posts for me to use when I just can't muster any words to share.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Dear Friends
It is with a sad heart that I write to tell you all that for the time being our birth mother has changed her mind. Apparently the birth father showed up at the hospital this morning and convinced her to keep the baby. Our agency will try to speak with her again, but she is not wanting to talk to them right now. Things of this nature do happen with adoptions and sometimes birthmom's change their minds several times. We know that God's will ultimately is what we want for our lives, so while this is certainly sad and devastating news, we will put our faith and our comfort in Him. He knows what is best for us and He will carry us through these tough times. I am sure you will all understand, but I don't think that Kim is in a place where she wants to have to discuss this with everyone at this time, but we would very much appreciate your prayers. We love you all and please don't take this to mean that Kim doesn't want to hear from you - it's just too difficult to discuss this part of our lives with everyone at this time. Thanks so much for being there and when we have more news to share, we will do so.
God Bless!
John
God Bless!
John
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Reading, Reading, and More Reading
Over the last several months, John and I have been focused on reading 5 books for our adoption agency’s required reading list. We are to read the books and then send in a short summary explaining what we got out of the reading for the agency to keep with their records. These books are considered to be part of our education process – and will be followed up by 2 all day classes (May 1st and September 25th) at the agency office.
So I thought that I’d share all of the things that I’ve been reading lately with you… a couple of them I haven’t started yet, but they are on tap for me to read in the near future – so I’ll share about them as well. The first 5 books are the required reading for our agency – the others are supplemental. (All Images are from Amazon.com)
Dear Birthmother: This book was the first one that we tackled because we thought it would help us understand the communication that we would be having with our birth mom over the 18 years that our child is growing up. I think when we started reading this book – both John and I were unsure if we were ready for the concept of open adoption – mainly out of fear and not knowing what it could be like. I truly felt more prepared to write my initial letter to the birth mothers to look at as a part of our adoption profile. The book is an equal amount of explanation of the concept of open adoption as well as showing some really poignant examples of letters shared between actual adoptive families and their birth mothers… and from birth mothers to adoptive families. It is an interesting bond that is formed in this process, and I look forward to sharing that with the special woman that chooses us for her child.
How to Really Love Your Child: This book was extremely enlightening for me… it changed the way that I think about some things. I have to say that I really enjoyed this book - it opened my eyes to things that I hadn't thought of before. The idea that children who act out are missing out on feeling completely loved, was certainly an eye opener. I have always heard that when children need attention, they will sometimes act out just to get someone to react to them... because negative attention is at least something. So to think of it in terms of the child missing some critical form of love was different, but it really makes sense. The real life examples used in the book helped me to understand where these ideas might be able to fit into our own lives, and it also explains some things that I've wondered about with a few of the children in our lives that seem to be more strong willed than others.
I think that the most important role of the parent is to make sure that the child feels loved - unconditionally - and that takes many forms. I know that it won't always be easy, but I want to do my best to make sure that whenever our child acts out in any way that we stop and make sure that we are giving them enough undivided attention, eye contact, and touch. It seems so simple, but when we are caught up in the daily struggles of everyday life - it can get away from you, but it truly is the most important thing in the world - to love and show love to your children and spouse. It will my goal to make sure that our children always know they are loved in every way that I can, and to stop and think about why my children might be acting in ways that aren't normal before disciplining or correcting them.
Now for the books that are not a part of our adoption…
So I thought that I’d share all of the things that I’ve been reading lately with you… a couple of them I haven’t started yet, but they are on tap for me to read in the near future – so I’ll share about them as well. The first 5 books are the required reading for our agency – the others are supplemental. (All Images are from Amazon.com)
Dear Birthmother: This book was the first one that we tackled because we thought it would help us understand the communication that we would be having with our birth mom over the 18 years that our child is growing up. I think when we started reading this book – both John and I were unsure if we were ready for the concept of open adoption – mainly out of fear and not knowing what it could be like. I truly felt more prepared to write my initial letter to the birth mothers to look at as a part of our adoption profile. The book is an equal amount of explanation of the concept of open adoption as well as showing some really poignant examples of letters shared between actual adoptive families and their birth mothers… and from birth mothers to adoptive families. It is an interesting bond that is formed in this process, and I look forward to sharing that with the special woman that chooses us for her child.
Good Grief: This is a very small book – it took me about an hour or so to read it. I would HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone going through any sort of major life change… or any type of grief. I found this to be an interesting reflection on the process that I went through emotionally during September and early October. I grieved briefly each cycle that we went through the infertility treatments when we'd get so close, but the cycle would be cancelled before being able to go through the entire process. Ultimately, I grieved the loss of the opportunity to have our own child through medical intervention. I went through each stage - I can remember each stage at varying times of the process going from anger, denial, depression, and finally coming to accept that our family might be brought together through other methods as part of God's will for us. I know that having gone through this process – and even sharing it with all of you through the blog has certainly made me a stronger woman!
How to Really Love Your Child: This book was extremely enlightening for me… it changed the way that I think about some things. I have to say that I really enjoyed this book - it opened my eyes to things that I hadn't thought of before. The idea that children who act out are missing out on feeling completely loved, was certainly an eye opener. I have always heard that when children need attention, they will sometimes act out just to get someone to react to them... because negative attention is at least something. So to think of it in terms of the child missing some critical form of love was different, but it really makes sense. The real life examples used in the book helped me to understand where these ideas might be able to fit into our own lives, and it also explains some things that I've wondered about with a few of the children in our lives that seem to be more strong willed than others.
I think that the most important role of the parent is to make sure that the child feels loved - unconditionally - and that takes many forms. I know that it won't always be easy, but I want to do my best to make sure that whenever our child acts out in any way that we stop and make sure that we are giving them enough undivided attention, eye contact, and touch. It seems so simple, but when we are caught up in the daily struggles of everyday life - it can get away from you, but it truly is the most important thing in the world - to love and show love to your children and spouse. It will my goal to make sure that our children always know they are loved in every way that I can, and to stop and think about why my children might be acting in ways that aren't normal before disciplining or correcting them.
Holding Time: For me the jury is still out on this book – I’m about half way through it, and the basic idea is about having a deeper connection with your children through a special technique of holding them. This technique involves holding them in such a way that you are forced to make eye contact with them and deal with any and ALL emotions that they are feeling – often this starts off with the child fighting against the holding, but when the session is complete… you’ve moved from that initial fighting to a resolution that brings about a deeper connection for both the mother and the child. This can be used with children of any age, and is typically used with toddlers and older children because sometimes the lack of complete dependence on the parents can create a loss of some of the initial bond that you form with the baby when they rely on you completely for all of their daily needs. I think I personally am still a little resistant to this book because the concept is completely foreign to me, but I am trying to have an open mind – and maybe when we have a child that is a little older than the baby stage… I will see the need and benefits of this technique.
Twenty Things Adoptive Kids Wish Their Parents Knew: I haven’t started this book yet – we were advised to read it last of our 5 books because it can be the scariest of them to read. It goes through 20 potential things that adopted kids might have going through their minds at different stages of their development. I’m interested to see if John has ever thought of any of these things in his life as an adopted child, but I am grateful that we will have his experience – and the experience of several of his cousins as well as my little brother and sister to draw from if our child ever has any questions about why they were put up for adoption. I also hope that we will be able to keep an open line of communication with the birth mother to help with these things as well.
Now for the books that are not a part of our adoption…
BabyWise: This book comes highly recommended by our pastor’s wife, Lisa as well as John’s boss. Apparently it helped John’s boss and his wife get their baby sleeping through the night by 8 weeks of age. I’m sure that I’ll start reading it as soon as I get done with these others – because I’m certainly interested in getting some good quality sleep in for all of our family!
Baby 411: This was given to me as a gift by another adoptive mother – she has a 5 month old now, and says that she still refers to it daily. It seems to be a bit of a reference guide on all things baby – including an entire chapter devoted to poop! Oiy! I’m sure that when we bring a baby home – we will find this book to be extremely useful!
One book I’m reading that has NOTHING to do with babies…
Comfort Food: This is by the lady, Kate Jacobs, who wrote Friday Night Knitting Club – which is a phenomenal book. This book is centered on a group of people involved in a television cooking show instead of a knitting club, but it is equally good! This writer has an incredible way of writing characters that you care about and want to get to know… I am really enjoying the story line and it is a great book to read when I just can’t think about the adoption process for a little bit during my day.
That's pretty much what I do with my time these days in between working, meetings for the adoption, and sleeping... so are there other books you can suggest for me?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Baby Classes
Yesterday, we completed both our Life with Baby class and our Infant CPR class. They weren't exactly as I expected, but I think we got enough information to be worth the cost.
The Life with Baby class didn't have a whole lot of information that I didn't already know, but there were some tidbits here and there that made it worth the 4 hours that it lasted. I think that above all else, it made John feel more comfortable to bring a baby home soon.
We learned some things about bathing the baby, the 5 S's (Swaddling, Side positioning, Shhhhh, Swinging, and Sucking) involved in comforting the baby, some about the stages of consciousness for babies, and what to expect in terms of pooping... hahahahaha! The only thing about the class that bothered me a bit was the way that they talked about feeding and the options involved with that part of parenting. I'd be happy to explain the 5 S's further to anyone that would like to hear about it.
They only spent about 5 minutes on bottle feeding, but I'd say a good 45 minutes or more on breast feeding - including the part where she talked at length about their 5 hour class on breast feeding. She made a point to talk about how babies that are formula fed have more ear infections and many other problems - even going so far as to say that SIDS is more common with babies that aren't breast fed. I was a little offended - just because breast feeding really won't be an option for us...
I sort of felt like it was hard enough being in that class with all the pregnant couples - without having to be reminded of the things that my body can't and won't do for our baby. I know that if I were able to have my own child - I'd give breast feeding a good honest try, but I don't know that I agree with the pressure put on women to make one choice over the other. Parenting is hard enough without all of that!
After the first class we went for a quick dinner, and then off to our Infant CPR class. I'd HIGHLY recommend that class to anyone with an infant. Apparently when adults require CPR it is typically because of a heart related issue, but with infants - it is usually a respiratory issue. So CPR can make all the difference when you're dealing with a baby. We learned the techniques for both an unresponsive baby and for a choking baby. The CPR class was required for our adoption agency, but I'm glad that we made a day of it and took both classes.
It was a long day, but well worth it!
The Life with Baby class didn't have a whole lot of information that I didn't already know, but there were some tidbits here and there that made it worth the 4 hours that it lasted. I think that above all else, it made John feel more comfortable to bring a baby home soon.
We learned some things about bathing the baby, the 5 S's (Swaddling, Side positioning, Shhhhh, Swinging, and Sucking) involved in comforting the baby, some about the stages of consciousness for babies, and what to expect in terms of pooping... hahahahaha! The only thing about the class that bothered me a bit was the way that they talked about feeding and the options involved with that part of parenting. I'd be happy to explain the 5 S's further to anyone that would like to hear about it.
They only spent about 5 minutes on bottle feeding, but I'd say a good 45 minutes or more on breast feeding - including the part where she talked at length about their 5 hour class on breast feeding. She made a point to talk about how babies that are formula fed have more ear infections and many other problems - even going so far as to say that SIDS is more common with babies that aren't breast fed. I was a little offended - just because breast feeding really won't be an option for us...
I sort of felt like it was hard enough being in that class with all the pregnant couples - without having to be reminded of the things that my body can't and won't do for our baby. I know that if I were able to have my own child - I'd give breast feeding a good honest try, but I don't know that I agree with the pressure put on women to make one choice over the other. Parenting is hard enough without all of that!
After the first class we went for a quick dinner, and then off to our Infant CPR class. I'd HIGHLY recommend that class to anyone with an infant. Apparently when adults require CPR it is typically because of a heart related issue, but with infants - it is usually a respiratory issue. So CPR can make all the difference when you're dealing with a baby. We learned the techniques for both an unresponsive baby and for a choking baby. The CPR class was required for our adoption agency, but I'm glad that we made a day of it and took both classes.
It was a long day, but well worth it!
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