My Testimony - Part 2

If you want to start at the beginning -- Part 1 is here.

The desire to have children still weighed on my heart daily, and in 2009 we started the process of seeing another fertility specialist. I went through some serious craziness with the fertility drugs and all, but I never was able to produce a viable egg for the doctors to use for any of the procedures. Not one single egg. We were in the middle of the 13 week New Testament Challenge at the time with the church, and I stuck with that challenge… I even have a journal with the notes I took and my daily prayers – which are interesting to go back and read now. During the challenge, I remember the doctor calling me in to tell me there was only one last ditch effort they could try, but somewhere in my heart I knew that it wasn’t going to work out. We had gone to just tell them we were done, and that we were going to explore adoption. They talked me into the meds, and having my tubes cleared out with dye… so we went through with that procedure in September or October of 2009. 

I started taking that last medication, and the same day – I literally became virtually blind – I couldn’t see a thing. We were driving to John’s parents house that day, and decided that we were officially done. So we called the doctor and told them that we couldn’t do it anymore. There were 3 huge signs from God that we needed to look at adoption, and not just any adoption agency… but New Life Adoptions specifically. A friend directed me to one of the counselors and her daughter, then we heard another friend adopted from there, and I think we saw a billboard at our friends’ church for the agency. I’m talking it was clear that this was it. 

We started the adoption process, and had our first meeting with the agency in December of 2009. By February of 2010, we had been matched with a sweet birthmom that was going to give us a baby girl. February 20, 2010 – we were at the hospital and heard the chimes that the baby girl was born, but in the process – the birthmom decided to keep her baby. I was devastated, but even then I felt the presence of God. I never really worried about the baby other than just knowing that we could have given her more worldly things, but I worried about that sweet girl that must have felt so many emotions and fear. She never responded to the counselors trying to reach out to her after the birth, but I asked them to mail her a card for me. I think of them every year on her birthday, and pray that they are doing well. 

8 years, 1 month, and 17 days after we got married – we welcomed James Edward Hawkins to our family. He was born during the Women’s Retreat that year, and I remember texting pictures of him to a few close friends. The very night that we brought James home from the hospital… a mere 5-6 hours after signing the adoption papers for him, we found out that I was pregnant with Tyler. Can you imagine the looks you get when you show up to your first prenatal appointment with a newborn?!?

My pregnancy wasn’t easy by any means, and caring for a newborn at the same time was rough. We made it through, and Tyler was born at 36 weeks. We found out at my delivery that if the doctor had chosen for me to try a traditional birth instead of a c-section, I would have bled to death because the veins in my placenta were 5-10 times the normal size. He spent 12 days in the NICU, but was a little champ. We were thrilled to have everyone home. 

 

We had been praying about my job situation as it wasn’t good, and they fired me for being out on leave with two maternity leaves in one year. God was in the details there too, because he provided John a huge promotion… but it meant moving away from all of our friends for a couple of years. When Ty was 6 months old and James just over a year old we moved to Memphis.

The Miracle of Samuel

I want to share the miracle of my nephew, Samuel's birth story. It is truly a testament of faith and if it inspires just one family to step out in faith -- it is worth every word written here.

My sister and her family has been through an amazing journey, and I am blessed to have been a small part of it. I love the four of them with all my heart, and I hope sharing this story blesses everyone that might see it in the future.

2002: My sister, Cindy, and her husband (Robert) had a beautiful daughter, Taylor.

2003: Cindy was diagnosed with Auto-Immune Hepatitis and was told that she shouldn't have anymore children because of her condition. We choose not to focus on that diagnosis because God is bigger than any of that, but I just tell you for a frame of reference. Her story with all she went through with this is a big testament to the healing power of God, and not settling with what the doctor's told her to do. She has an amazing story with finding an alternative treatment plan with a doctor in Germany.

2004-2009: They desired for more children, but prevented them out of fear for Cindy's body.

January 2010: The Lord pressed upon Cindy and Robert to step out in faith and try for another baby.

2011: They believed and even stepped out by moving Taylor to a different bedroom to open up the room that would become the nursery.

January 2012: Doctor's tell Cindy and Robert that they can't get pregnant because Cindy is not ovulating and she has developed a large cyst in her ovary.

April 2012: Some of the elders of their church took Robert to breakfast to talk about focusing on Cindy's wholeness instead of healing or getting pregnant.

September 2012: Doctor's tell them that it isn't possible to get pregnant because of the cyst and because Cindy hasn't been ovulating for many months or possibly a year. (Sounds a lot like a doctor's report I got before we got pregnant too!)

At a sabbatical, Robert took the book "Crying Out" by Bill Gothard, and that's just what they did.

During a prayer meeting at their church, Steve, asked for those that would believe for children even if Doctor's say it isn't possible.

October 7, 2012: At a Sunday prayer meeting, The Lord told Robert to sit down and read 1 Samuel Chapter 1. While reading, God told him "because you have cried out, and believed like Hannah - you will have a son."

October 9, 2012: The same week of Taylor's birthday, a baby was conceived. 

December 23, 2012: Cindy went to the doctor because she had gained some weight and thought it was a complication of the cyst. It wasn't because of the cyst at all -- it was because she was pregnant!

January 1, 2013: Robert took his mom to lunch to tell her about the baby, and her first words were "I hope you call him, Samuel" - she had no idea of the previous mention from God about reading 1 Samuel.

January - March 2013: Every doctor they visited told them they should terminate the pregnancy because of Cindy's health - that she could lose her life. They shared their story of faith with all of the doctors and ministered to them, eventually the doctors came on board with being a part of the miracle.

During this time -- Cindy was in the hospital for 40 days...

April 2013: The doctor's plan for when Samuel was born included:
-- Cindy would lose a ton of blood and would need a lot of transfusions
-- Her platelets would be too low so she would need a transfusion of those as well
-- Cindy would be in the ICU for at least a week because her liver would take a big hit and might not recover, thus needing a transplant

May 14, 2013: Cindy's water broke at home. They tried to stop the contractions, but Sam's heart rate dropped below 80. They did an emergency C-section. They pulled him out, but he wasn't breathing - the doctors were able to get his breathing started. He was 30 weeks, and weighed 3 pounds.

May 17, 2013: Cindy only needed a small amount of blood right after her surgery. Her liver function went back to normal. The doctors were amazed with the whole thing and said that it would likely show up in the medical books, but she was released from the ICU after only 3 days!

Here is a video that was put together of Sammy's hospital journey -- he came home from the NICU on the 10th of July, and has been doing GREAT ever since! We praise God for him daily, and are thrilled to share his story with everyone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLXEXFKfxNE

I am thrilled to have gotten to go visit them this past weekend, and share in his welcome home party. It was such a blessing to be a part of such an event. It was a beautiful night - and there was even a time for friends and family to share how this story has changed their lives. 

Sammy is now over 10 pounds! 

I can't even put into words how much I love Cindy, Robert, Taylor, and Sam... I am honored to be Cindy's sister, and watch Sammy's life as he grows. Taylor is an amazing big sister, and Robert has faith that literally moves mountains. We love you guys, and the boys can't wait to get into all sorts of mischief with Sam! 

Tyler Was There

Sometimes the bizarre (supernatural) way that our family came together takes me by surprise. I still, to this day will stop and think about it from time to time. (on the rare second that I get a moment to myself) As I was sitting there thinking about it - some of you went on the journey with us... some are joining in more recently... but through a good portion of the craziness - Tyler was there.

What do I mean by that? Let me show you.

January 2010:
- we were finishing our home study for our adoption agency - by the end of the month - Tyler was there

February 2010: (I will be doing another post on these topics)
- met our first birth mother, and fell in love - Tyler was there
- went to the hospital for the birth of that baby girl, ended up not becoming our daughter - Tyler was there
- went back to work a few days after having left for maternity leave - Tyler was there
- spent a good part of the month grieving for that lost baby - Tyler was there

March 2010:
- got a call from our second birth mother, even through apprehension... met her - Tyler was there
- met with our birth mother a few times - Tyler was there
- exchanged all of the stuff we bought for the little girl and bought stuff for our baby boy - Tyler was there
- had some SERIOUS health scares and issues with John, spending 5 days in the hospital - Tyler was there

April 2010:
- went to the hospital for the birth of our son, James - Tyler was there
- spend the first few hours of James life getting to know him - Tyler was there
- almost passed out feeding James his first bottle - Tyler was there
- saw James' birth mother in the hospital after the delivery, looked very sick - Tyler was there
- signed all the adoption papers to bring James home 2 days after his birth - Tyler was there
- middle of the night on our first night as parents...

We found out Tyler was coming!

Crazy to think about all of those emotional roller coaster moments that Tyler was present for that we didn't even know he was there for... isn't that amazing?! Can you see a little bit of why I wasn't able to tell that I was having morning/afternoon/night sickness... I thought it was just stress! Oh, the Lord is a funny funny man.

Overcome with Tears

At church yesterday, I sort of fell apart. I held it together for a good long time - through Sunday School... but while standing in the sanctuary during Worship... I lost it. We were talking about grief and suffering in Sunday school, and I was listening to various people give their testimonies.

Well, somewhere along the way - it hit me. Just 2 years ago - I was going through some dark moments. Luckily God was there in a BIG way to get us through those days... I just haven't had a chance to sit back since that time and reflect. It's been one huge change and adjustment after the other - and that didn't leave me any time to think about where we've been.

This time in 2009 - we were rounding out the last of our fertility treatments with very little hope left of having a child naturally. Within the month of September, the doctor would tell us that there wasn't any hope with fertility treatments. They couldn't get me to produce an egg... so no amount of drugs would help with that situation.

We in turn told the doctors to stop treatments on the prompting of God, and turn in a different direction - adoption. We started the process in October of 2009... had a failed placement in February 2010... and in April 2010, we got our sweet baby James. On that very same day, literally. We signed the papers in the early afternoon - brought James home... and at 3AM - I took a pregnancy test.

When I tell you that I leaned on God in ways that I never would have imagined during those months - I don't think you can even understand. There I was in the fall of 2009, hearing the words that I feared the most... from the fertility specialist... and I didn't fall apart. Only by his grace, truly.

If anyone would have told me in October 2009 that by October 2010 - I would not only have 1 baby... but 2 - I would have thought you were crazy. I would likely have told you that too.

Thankfully, I have a prayer journal that I kept through those days in 2009 - and reading the emotion and seeing where I was at that time is amazing. I remember being incredibly angry with God, and crying out to Him - even yelling at Him some days. He's a big God, and can take it... the one thing I didn't do - I didn't run from Him. I let him have it - one way or the other. The glory was his, and the hurt was his as well.

So yesterday, I just was overwhelmed by the memories of the suffering we went through - and overcome knowing how much better God's plan was for our family than mine. I prayed for 8 years to have 1 baby... but within 6 months, I got two. The days right now are long and hard taking care of both of them... but the laughs are deep and joyous.

These two will drive me to the edge of reason, but bring me back with one smile or one giggle. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, and it's amazing looking back just a month or two in the past to see what they've learned and how quickly they grow! I know it'll feel like just a few seconds and they'll be starting school.

Mother's Day

I can't help but remember how I felt this time last year facing the toughest day of the year for a woman waiting for her miracle. There are still some very special ladies in my life that are waiting on their babies to complete their families...

If you have a few minutes - just say a prayer for my friends: Summer, Jenn I., Leslee, and several others... may they have their miracles either in their arms or in their bellies before another Mother's Day rolls around.

This year has a very different feel for me... and I'm grateful for both blessings that I've got in 2010... it is more challenging than anything I'd ever expected, but more than worth it! I know that the boys living in my house have some things cooked up for tomorrow, and I can't wait to enjoy it with them.

I wish all the Mother's out there a very special and happy Mother's Day... and for those of you still waiting... just remember that this day isn't solely about having children... it's a celebration of all the things that women do in the world... and no matter what, each of us leaves a special mark on those in our lives!

Sometimes...For No Reason

Sometimes...for no reason at all... sadness takes hold of my heart.

Sadness about wanting so desperately to give my husband the gift of fatherhood.

Sadness that there is a hole in my heart - that could be filled rocking a baby to sleep and comforting them with the love only a mother could give.

Sadness that my body won't produce the eggs that would allow us to have a child that is a little bit John and a little bit me.

Sadness that punches me in the gut whenever I see a baby, a stroller, or a pregnant woman. Sadness that I can't do anything to change this situation.

Sadness that sometimes even going to church is hard for me because I know that I will see all sorts of families (of people I love) and have guilt because of my jealousy.

Sadness that the above even applies to my own family & friends at times... which leads to even more guilt than when it applies to strangers.

Sadness that it didn't occur to me that John might be holding in his hurt just to protect me... which I found out today was actually the case. I love that he wants to be strong and take care of me... but I also find comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one hurting.

Sadness that for the last three weeks, I have felt spiritually dead in so many ways.

Sadness that right now the last thing I want to hear is another Bible verse that should give me comfort - but in reality just makes me more confused about why I have to endure so much.

Sadness that I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

All of this leads into embarrassment - because I feel so weak to control my emotions at times... and often when they take over in the biggest ways - I'm completely incapable of articulating what is even going on.

Today hasn't been a good day... and I just needed to get my toughts down for some much needed potential therapy.

Reading, Reading, and More Reading

Over the last several months, John and I have been focused on reading 5 books for our adoption agency’s required reading list. We are to read the books and then send in a short summary explaining what we got out of the reading for the agency to keep with their records. These books are considered to be part of our education process – and will be followed up by 2 all day classes (May 1st and September 25th) at the agency office.

So I thought that I’d share all of the things that I’ve been reading lately with you… a couple of them I haven’t started yet, but they are on tap for me to read in the near future – so I’ll share about them as well. The first 5 books are the required reading for our agency – the others are supplemental. (All Images are from Amazon.com)

 
Dear Birthmother: This book was the first one that we tackled because we thought it would help us understand the communication that we would be having with our birth mom over the 18 years that our child is growing up. I think when we started reading this book – both John and I were unsure if we were ready for the concept of open adoption – mainly out of fear and not knowing what it could be like. I truly felt more prepared to write my initial letter to the birth mothers to look at as a part of our adoption profile. The book is an equal amount of explanation of the concept of open adoption as well as showing some really poignant examples of letters shared between actual adoptive families and their birth mothers… and from birth mothers to adoptive families. It is an interesting bond that is formed in this process, and I look forward to sharing that with the special woman that chooses us for her child.
 

Good Grief: This is a very small book – it took me about an hour or so to read it. I would HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone going through any sort of major life change… or any type of grief. I found this to be an interesting reflection on the process that I went through emotionally during September and early October. I grieved briefly each cycle that we went through the infertility treatments when we'd get so close, but the cycle would be cancelled before being able to go through the entire process. Ultimately, I grieved the loss of the opportunity to have our own child through medical intervention. I went through each stage - I can remember each stage at varying times of the process going from anger, denial, depression, and finally coming to accept that our family might be brought together through other methods as part of God's will for us. I know that having gone through this process – and even sharing it with all of you through the blog has certainly made me a stronger woman!

How to Really Love Your Child: This book was extremely enlightening for me… it changed the way that I think about some things. I have to say that I really enjoyed this book - it opened my eyes to things that I hadn't thought of before. The idea that children who act out are missing out on feeling completely loved, was certainly an eye opener. I have always heard that when children need attention, they will sometimes act out just to get someone to react to them... because negative attention is at least something. So to think of it in terms of the child missing some critical form of love was different, but it really makes sense. The real life examples used in the book helped me to understand where these ideas might be able to fit into our own lives, and it also explains some things that I've wondered about with a few of the children in our lives that seem to be more strong willed than others.

I think that the most important role of the parent is to make sure that the child feels loved - unconditionally - and that takes many forms. I know that it won't always be easy, but I want to do my best to make sure that whenever our child acts out in any way that we stop and make sure that we are giving them enough undivided attention, eye contact, and touch. It seems so simple, but when we are caught up in the daily struggles of everyday life - it can get away from you, but it truly is the most important thing in the world - to love and show love to your children and spouse. It will my goal to make sure that our children always know they are loved in every way that I can, and to stop and think about why my children might be acting in ways that aren't normal before disciplining or correcting them.

Holding Time: For me the jury is still out on this book – I’m about half way through it, and the basic idea is about having a deeper connection with your children through a special technique of holding them. This technique involves holding them in such a way that you are forced to make eye contact with them and deal with any and ALL emotions that they are feeling – often this starts off with the child fighting against the holding, but when the session is complete… you’ve moved from that initial fighting to a resolution that brings about a deeper connection for both the mother and the child. This can be used with children of any age, and is typically used with toddlers and older children because sometimes the lack of complete dependence on the parents can create a loss of some of the initial bond that you form with the baby when they rely on you completely for all of their daily needs. I think I personally am still a little resistant to this book because the concept is completely foreign to me, but I am trying to have an open mind – and maybe when we have a child that is a little older than the baby stage… I will see the need and benefits of this technique.

Twenty Things Adoptive Kids Wish Their Parents Knew: I haven’t started this book yet – we were advised to read it last of our 5 books because it can be the scariest of them to read. It goes through 20 potential things that adopted kids might have going through their minds at different stages of their development. I’m interested to see if John has ever thought of any of these things in his life as an adopted child, but I am grateful that we will have his experience – and the experience of several of his cousins as well as my little brother and sister to draw from if our child ever has any questions about why they were put up for adoption. I also hope that we will be able to keep an open line of communication with the birth mother to help with these things as well.

Now for the books that are not a part of our adoption…

BabyWise: This book comes highly recommended by our pastor’s wife, Lisa as well as John’s boss. Apparently it helped John’s boss and his wife get their baby sleeping through the night by 8 weeks of age. I’m sure that I’ll start reading it as soon as I get done with these others – because I’m certainly interested in getting some good quality sleep in for all of our family!

Baby 411: This was given to me as a gift by another adoptive mother – she has a 5 month old now, and says that she still refers to it daily. It seems to be a bit of a reference guide on all things baby – including an entire chapter devoted to poop! Oiy! I’m sure that when we bring a baby home – we will find this book to be extremely useful!

One book I’m reading that has NOTHING to do with babies…

Comfort Food: This is by the lady, Kate Jacobs, who wrote Friday Night Knitting Club – which is a phenomenal book. This book is centered on a group of people involved in a television cooking show instead of a knitting club, but it is equally good! This writer has an incredible way of writing characters that you care about and want to get to know… I am really enjoying the story line and it is a great book to read when I just can’t think about the adoption process for a little bit during my day.

That's pretty much what I do with my time these days in between working, meetings for the adoption, and sleeping... so are there other books you can suggest for me?

Changes

I've heard that other than death and taxes... change is the only other thing you can count on in life. Well, I guess I'm about due for some of that.

In the summer of 2004, I went with my stepmother to pick up my little brother that my parents were adopting from Guatemala. He was around 18 months old at the time, and I remember that trip so vividly. He was a cute little guy that was happy as long as you didn't move him or change what was happening.

You want to play with toys on the bed, fine... he was perfectly happy. You want to walk around with him in his stroller, fine... perfectly happy. Although, if you needed to change the current pattern of activity or his clothes... he freaked out and a typical toddler temper tantrum would ensue.

I can sort of relate at the moment. There is something particularly hard for me right now with Sundays and Mondays... I can't even put my finger on it. I just know that those two days of the week are the hardest for me emotionally - I mean it's not normal for me to get weepy because I have to get out of bed... much less go to church... I love my church! Believe me - if I could figure out how to write it out and process it... I'd be doing that.

There is just so much swirling in my head lately, and I feel like junk. Literally! The nausea, headaches, and just general sickness are back in full force.

I was thinking through some things on my way to a church event this afternoon. I was thinking of all the change that has come over the last few months, and how people process through those things... the only way I can really compare it would be to say that it is much like the process of grieving.

You see, I've been taking every bit of the uncertainty and anger over our infertility and the end of that process out on my body. I go through these stages every now and then... a stage where I get so fed up with all the things that are wrong with me - that I sort of go into denial about it all.

I stopped the fertility shots, drugs, and such in September - but I also stopped taking my diabetes medicine, my thyroid medicine, and doing anything that might be considered healthy. I sunk right back into my "happy place" and medicated with food - specifically sugar. I know this is all wrong, but in the moment - you are helpless to stop it when you are hanging on by a thread.

When you wake up and start realizing what is happening - you're almost helpless to fix it. In a way this makes me feel like a failure on two issues (fertility and weight loss), and add to that a work situation that is emotionally stressful to the point of almost making you feel like you are a worthless employee... and you have a perfect storm driving my emotional state right now.

Please hear me say that I am 100% excited about adoption... and believe whole-heartedly that this is our God given path at the moment, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't sometimes cross my mind that there are things that I will miss out on if I never physically bear my own child. I am so excited about the opportunities that are just around the corner for us through our adoption... it's just hard to not have much to push forward to at this point.

So, that is pretty much where I am... I know that there is a lot that I need to do for myself... but at the same time emotionally - I think I need something to help level me out a little bit possibly. I don't know - I'll talk to my doctor tomorrow about what he thinks... but maybe just for a month or so just to level me out in order to have the strength/courage to tackle all the things that I need to tackle in order to get back on track.

• Start a new diet plan... I'm highly considering the Gylcemic Impact Diet through ediets.com
• Start working out again in some form
• Start back on my thyroid medications
• Start back on my vitamins and supplements
• Continue taking my diabetes medicine
• Figure out what it is that I want to do with my life... in the future
• Get back to my normal life...

Sidetracked

Well, darn... I haven't answered your questions from Wednesday yet... and I am really sorry about that. I have them and will get to them... worst case would be that I'll hold them and answer them this week...

I don't even know where the time is going anymore. I just know that I'm losing it!

What have I been up to, you might ask? I'm not sure that I even remember! From Wednesday on is pretty much a blur...

Lets see... while waiting to meet my Dad for dinner on Wednesday night - John bought me these things because we stopped in a Hallmark store...

Isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever seen?

Smells like heaven... it's a new scent for me... one of the scents of the month...

Another scent of the month - which I really liked as well!

I got this one for Christmas - but Sage & Citrus will always be my #1 favorite scent! 

After that shopping trip we had a wonderful dinner with my Dad - talked lots of politics and all sorts of other things. I learned several new pieces of information about my grandparents... things that I'd never known before. 

Thursday was a whirlwind day at the office - and even ended with me finding out that I was moving my workspace. It made me laugh actually - because I've been there for a year and a half... and I'm moving to my third workspace. For the last 6 months - I shared an office with a coworker that I share a lot of projects with... we both got moved into cubicles again. The best part? We're on the opposite side of the building as the rest of our department! I'm going to test the theory of "out of sight - out of mind" and see if my stress level goes down a little bit.

On the way home, I got a dinner offer that I couldn't refuse... my amazing friend Danielle and I went to dinner at our favorite place. PF Changs rocks our world... I hadn't realized it, but it is "our place" - hahahaha. We had our favorite - Crispy Green Beans... and I ordered John's favorite entree, Crispy Honey Shrimp, so that I could bring them home to him. Neither of us can finish an entree - so we try to share as much as possible. Funny thing is that now - we actually get three meals out of one entree! 

Friday brought the big move at work... and by the time we got home last night - I just couldn't function... it was an extremely long week with lots of emotional valleys. So we picked up dinner and I pretty much became worthless... I made the mistake of getting a dessert for us to share, and I don't know exactly what happened after that. I ate a little dessert and immediately felt really ill, so I had to go to bed - at 8:30! 

We jumped up early this morning because we were having our Environmental Inspection as well as our new mattress being delivered - both were supposed to happen at 9:30.... the mattress actually got here at 10:15 (and the order was wrong...so they have to come back next Saturday)... and the inspector? Oh, he showed up at 11:30!! Honestly! There were lots of issues with him... but mainly it boils down to us doing a LOT of work this morning for him to pretty much walk in and sign a paper... which cost us $145! 

Where can I find a job that pays me $145 for about 15 minutes worth of work?

From there we made our trip to WalMart for our biweekly grocery trip... John is such a wonderful guy - he did the shopping and I did this... 

 

We've both spent the rest of the day working on various projects for our church.... and I'm actually still waiting for John to get home from the church - he went up there at about 4 to print some flyers... and he's still working on making that happen. Oh goodness! Hopefully he'll be home soon... I'm about ready for dinner and then bed! 

Encouragement

You guys have no idea how much it warms my heart to have such an incredible support system both via the blog world, but also in the form of an amazing husband - and incredible friends!

In the wake of everything I was feeling yesterday - I was encouraged to talk to John by one great friend...which prooved to be one of the most cathartic things I did yesterday. At least, I thought so... and I don't know about you - but my husband is my rock... my knight in shining armor... and poor guy... when he got in the car yesterday evening - I had just heard one of my favorite songs (which also apparently had to be the new Target commercial that played over and over again last night) and the combination of that and the comfort that I feel from having him on my team... caused me to burst into tears. I felt bad because I couldn't even contain myself - I just had to laugh and the stupidness of it all!

Also last night - after I completed a good list of errands that I needed to get taken care of - I went home and was able to start those on those newly prescribed steroids... relax, and chat with another friend for a good while. (John was at a training at the church - so it was quiet, and a good time to spend chatting with a friend instead of alone with my thoughts.) This particular friend is amazing - she has the gift of always seeing the glass half full instead of my natural tendency to see it half empty.

She was incredible - I mean the first thing she said was "how can I help?" and just jumped right in there... (she wasn't the only one offering hope and encouragement either!) she talked me through it, made some jokes and helped get me through a hard night. She also came up with a plan - she is going to email me each day and have me find at least one good thing to email her about my situation.

Our women's ministry group is in the middle of a Bible Study right now - it's one of the Women of Faith series, and it's called Encouraging One Another. Which also falls into place with our message at church on Sunday about being Fully Engaged with our friends. One of the main points was that "you can't give what you don't have" - meaning that you can't pour out love on others in a way that is Godly if you haven't experienced the love of Christ in your life.

In all of this, I can't help but wonder if I could be/have been/or will be as good of a friend to those that I love and care about... in my heart of hearts - I certainly hope so. I have always been one of those people that thinks of her friends as if they were an extention of my family... I love all of them like the sisters and brothers that they are - and I hope that each and every one of you knows that it extends to you as well. I'd be there to give you a kind word and a loving push whenever you needed it - and the gesture doesn't go unappreciated when you give it to me as well.

I am grateful - even in this storm of circumstances beyond my control... I just happen to have a little personality flaw of being a bit of a control freak. My world is upset and the apple cart turned over when there is nothing I can do to help myself make things better in the moment. I don't know how to go with the flow or be spontaneous... I'm really a planner. I can't help it - I come by it honestly... my Dad used to literally have a "clipboard of FUN" when we went on trips and everything was planned out for months in advance of the vacation! (See... I can't help it!)

Once again - thank you for listening to my outburst yesterday, and for being so great about it.

Interesting Times

I'm pretty solid on my belief system as a whole - I am honest and real about it the majority of the time - almost to a fault. It shouldn't be a secret on some issues how I feel... and I'm not about debating them because it's my right to believe my way, and it's yours to believe your way.

Most of the time beliefs are built from experience - and from our own heart desires... so depending on your  belief system on the subjects at hand - you may or may not want to skip this post entirely.

I come to you from my own perspective - that's all I have to give. I am a woman that for no real reason that I can understand - can't currently concieve a child on my own. I am 31 years old, and that is just my reality. I am a woman currently pursuing adoption... that is the foundation of where I come from on these issues.

Over the weekend, a movie came on Lifetime television called The Pregnancy Pact. It was a movie about a group of girls from a small town that promise each other that they will all purposely get pregnant together. It was based on a true story, or at least a news story that was out several years ago.

I had a hard time understanding the mental state of these girls... fictional or otherwise. They seemed to have a sort of "Disneyland" view of parenthood... they literally thought that it would be fun to dress like their babies and be "like sisters." They also had no real aspirations to make something of their lives - by going to college.

Can I just be real for a second? I NEVER wanted to go to college... but I did. Want to know why? Because I knew at a very young age that I couldn't provide the life that I deserved for myself without it. Now, I certainly respect that others choose differently - but I went to college because of that mindset alone. It wasn't because I had big complicated career aspirations - I wanted to teach school (teachers who deserve MUCH more respect and salary than they get!! Can I get an amen?) - which you need a degree to do... but it wasn't like I ever wanted to be an attorney or a doctor... or a nurse.

These girls really just wanted to get married and have babies - which... hey, is all I've ever wanted too... but not at 15. It was a very sad and scary movie to watch - being someone that is about to embark on parenting a child... I wonder how you deal with those issues so that you can guide your child toward a different mindset.

Funny thing is that I posted a little something on Facebook about it yesterday - and the responses were quite surprising from some people. One interesting person that goes to my church talked about a family that lives across the street from her right now - who have a 15/16 year old daughter that has a child. They had their own daughter early, and have spent a lot of time talking about how great it is to be young and get it over with earlier in life - I've heard that before. The other thing my friend was talking about is the difficulty explaining how hard a life that is when the school system provides tutors that will come to the house while you are on maternity leave, childcare, a special bus with child seats... it's easy for them now.

I just can't believe that it's just regular every day school now with pregnant girls walking around - I mean I only graduated about 14 years ago... and that NEVER would have happened back then. (OMG - I'm OLD! I officially have an "in my day" issue to talk about now...) Girls went off to special schools to that would help them with these issues, so it wasn't in our faces like it is with today's teens. It's a very scary thing!

The other issue that came up through the Facebook discussion was a little more disturbing to me... apparently there are some folks in my life that have gone through with early pregnancies - and I applaud them for their courage on that... and for being able to find a way to make it work. Those folks sort of made me feel like I was attacking them and supporting abortion instead. Hello? Have you met me? I mean at least one of them knows very well how long I've been struggling to have a child...

I am not now - nor have I ever been a supporter of abortion... I know that people have varying reasons for supporting that issue - but for me - it is very black and white. I am not here to debate it or pursuade anyone to view it as I do... it is what it is. My opinion - and I get to make the choices for my own body - so I can only speak for knowing that the choice was long made for me on this one. Like anything else there are lots of "what ifs" that come into play... and I respect your right to consider them and have a different opinion... I really do.

I can only believe what I believe and know in my heart what I know...

Planned Parenthood actually called me to come interview with them several months ago - maybe even a year ago... they are currently about to open the largest abortion clinic in the US... can you imagine a girl going through fertility treatments working down the hall from where they would perform late term abortions?! Yeah... I couldn't either. So I never allowed them to interview me. Personal choice.

Interesting thing though, while some people are making me feel like I am supporting that movement by disagreeing with teen prenancy... other friends of mine are using my story for good... to teach their children about beliefs like mine against opening that very clinic in this area... or anywhere.

One of my coworkers this morning actually used my story in a discussion with her daughter - they were talking about that building this morning - it is just miles from our office and around the corner from where her daughter goes to school. They were talking about what will go on in that building, and some of the reasons why... and her daughter was really upset about it. So my friend turned that into a beautiful story for her daughter about all of the brave women out there that will choose NOT to go through those doors - but give a family that deserately wants a child... something to hold on to. Hope that our world can be a better place because of the few women that will choose to go a different way.

It's crazy the amount of stuff that has been in my face between that movie and this morning about teen pregnancy and abortion... it is an issue that I have a certain passion for... and a mission to help with - but then again - my poor husband knew 10 years ago that I shouldn't get started down the road of working for CPS because we'd end up having 100 children! HA!

Brilliance On Hold

Ya'll, I came home last Sunday from church 100% inspired to write an awesome post based on our sermon - but somehow, I didn't get to it. For the last 5 days - I've had my Dad's side of my family here at our house which means that our house of normally 2 people... became 13 people. Whew!

We had some good times though - and I got a massage for Christmas!! I got several other things, and the baby got some nifty things too... more about that later.

Did you guys know that today is a palindrome? 01022010... pretty neat, huh?! Someone much smarter than I am told me that this morning... so thanks Pammers!

Anyway - I hope that you're all having a fanastic start to the New Year... 2009 wasn't good for a lot of people close to me... so here's praying that 2010 will bring us all some peace, happiness, and our heart's desires.

So at church on Sunday - we talked about looking back at the accomplishments of 2009, and looking ahead to setting some new goals for 2010... which is our sermon for tomorrow. One challenge that our pastor gave us all was to look back at the year, whether it has been good or bad and make a list of the blessings that you have had in your life... so in that light... here is mine... better late than never, right?

• John had weight loss surgery in March of 2009
• John has lost 145 pounds so far in his journey
• Our fertility treatment journey came to an end with a beautiful outcome... 
• My relationship with Christ has become deeper than it has ever been before
• I stepped outside of my box and did a very rewarding interview for one of our church services
• I completed the New Testament Challenge - in 12 weeks, I read the entire New Testament
• I've made some wonderful new friends and deepened relationships this year - I am so grateful for Danielle, Jenn, Summer, Natalie, Trace, all of my CFF family, Kristen, Becky, Bonnie, Joanna, Christy, the Heathers, Kim, Jil, Laurie, Meghan, and all of my blog readers! 
• Ironcially - I am also grateful for Facebook... because I've connected more deeply with lots of my church family and my cousins this year...
  
• We started the adoption process, and are hopefully expecting an addition to our family in 2010! 

Those are the biggest highlights that I can think of right now... I'm sure there are others, but this is what came to mind initially. This doesn't talk about my goals or "resolutions" - it's hard to set those up when you're still in the midst of the holiday shuffle... but I've got some that I'll post about soon. Maybe tomorrow, I will write about the books I've been reading, and my goals for 2010.

In the meantime, what blessings did you have in 2009? What are you most excited about for 2010?

Seriously?

A BIG thanks to Becky for giving the ole blog a facelift this week - she worked on it earlier this week, but I fell off the planet... so this is my first chance to thank her properly.

I feel so bad for asking you guys for prayers and then not giving an update - but I promise that I'll get to it over the weekend. I have been extremely ill with a respitory infection taking over my life and while that wasn't winning the battle for my attention - it was also a killer week at work.

So while I was violently ill at still at the office working yesterday - fever, chills, murderous cough... but under a deadline that I couldn't miss. I was standing in one of the hallways waiting to get something signed by my Vice President. I was talking to another girl in the hall while I was waiting, and all of a sudden she got this huge smile on her face.

The she rubbed my tummy and asked when I was due! Can you imagine?! Of course I tried to be as gracious as possible and just said, "No, but I am in the process of adopting a baby." Then she apologized, and I said - "It's alright - I wish I could be pregnant."

If that had happened a couple of months ago or if I had felt better - the reaction could have been so much different... but we both just quietly walked away and didn't say anything else.

Haven't we all heard about asking people things like that? I mean really! I'd never ask anyone something like that... I mean she might as well have said that my shirt made me look fat and pregnant. Which would be something that I'd dearly love to hear... if it were true!

So, when is the last time you stuck your foot in your mouth? Or had someone say something like that to you?



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