You've GOT to be Kidding...

So, an article was brought to my attention tonight -- and in my mind, it doesn't speak to the issue of Stay at Home Moms vs Working Moms as much as it does the fundamental difference between people with kids and people without kids. (I know, I would have punched myself in the throat for thinking there was a difference a couple of years ago.)

Please take a minute to read this... and then come back for my response, although the original answer is probably better than what I'll come up with. Ya'll, my initial reaction is to just bitch slap this chick... I mean honestly.

Here's my first thought, man... some days I miss the ability to do what I want when I want... like read a book, or eat when food is hot. I miss being able to go out to dinner with my husband, and then come home to watch a movie - not because of anything other than being too exhausted to even think about getting through a movie.

Having really young children is incredibly draining and tough -- and for me... I've got two of them! It's hard with one, but there REALLY is no down time with two. It's not about who is more efficient with their time, it's a matter of prioritizing. When you're raising tomorrow's functional society members -- there is a LOT to be considered... like Carolyn said in the original article... you're talking speech, manners, integrity, honesty, self-control, neatness, kindness, patience, rule following, not to play in their poop (I digress) -- the list goes on and on.

Honestly, if blogging wasn't my main way of processing through my thoughts and emotions -- and a way to document some of the things that go on with these crazy boys - I wouldn't even take the time to do it. I didn't for a long time, and even now -- I sit here late at night trying to fit it in around all the other things I need to be getting done.

So, to take my little bit of down time to make a personal phone call or write an email -- you've got to be joking. I can't make ANY phone calls during the day while my children are awake -- unless we're in the car. The minute that I pick up a phone - it's like someone thinks it's time to have an epic fight -- just ask the DirecTV guy that had the pleasure of talking to me today while the boys were awake. It means that my phone calls turn in to "those calls" -- you know the ones where the Mom wants to talk to you, but spends 90% of the call parenting. It's just not worth it.

I've learned the art of multi-tasking to the extreme, I can manage a lot -- but some things have to fall by the wayside at times. It's give and take -- so while I try to simultaneously cook dinner, feed the kids, clean the kitchen, feed the animals, and change the laundry all at the same time... it also means that sometimes (okay, every time) some food hits the floor... so that means that if I don't want food all over the walls/floor of my kitchen... I have to sit down and focus solely on that task. Same goes for everything else.

It is physically exhausting at times, but luckily -- I've got a lot of women in my life that have been in my shoes and encourage me in ways I can't even imagine. So, I would have loved to be able to tell the author of this initial letter that she is incredibly lucky to have friends -- because honestly if your biggest concern is googling why your Mom friends are so busy... you've got bigger problems. Stop judging them for not calling you, because really -- with an attitude like that, you'd be at the bottom of my call list too.

My best advice for this person would be to reach out first -- because it may not be that your friend doesn't want to talk to you... but she may just be completely brain dead and needs you to initiate the contact. Send her an email -- let her respond. Text her -- it may not be the same as a phone call, but at least you won't hear the craziness going on at her house -- and she can likely get a text message sent without someone going completely nuts in her house. Invite her for a girls night out -- TRUST ME -- she will appreciate the time just being herself with other ladies.

Above all else though -- NEVER ask a mother who works in the home or outside of the home the "what have you done all day" question... EVER. It's the fastest way to get yourself punched in the throat... trust me on this one.

Here We Go Again

As with most things these days, I'm late to the discussion. In this case though, it might be a good thing - because if I'd written this when I first saw the cover of Time Magazine... it's certain I would have lost all two of you that might still read.

I've got a lot of thoughts on this cover - which I'm sure is entirely their motivation for using it - to shock and get a reaction from people. As with most things they do. My reason for writing isn't really about that though, because whatever your thoughts on breastfeeding until 3 years or older... that's entirely for you and your family.

My thoughts are this: I'm sort of disappointed in Time for the way this cover comes across. The tag line "Are you Mom Enough" is offensive to me. In my opinion it sets us back 10 years in so many ways. Women are constantly debating these issues, and I think it's sad frankly. Breastfeed/Bottle-Feed, Work/Stay at Home, Cry It Out/or Don't, Co-sleep/Crib... whatever it is - I just am tired of hearing women beating themselves up over it.

The bottom line is that everyone is different - what works for you... might not work for me. What works for James doesn't necessarily work for Tyler - and so on. Why do we have to debate it? Why do good mothers have to feel guilty for their circumstances and/or choices?

It makes me sad that this debate can't be put to rest for the better of us all. My goal isn't to compare my life with other women - it's to do the best for my family with what I have. Personally for us, I wasn't able to breastfeed - and that doesn't make me any better or worse of a mother. It just is. I have two happy and healthy children that grew up on formula... and I'm perfectly happy with that.

I have worked, and now am able to stay at home - they both are hard. I think on any given day - you could make an argument for most of us wanting to do the opposite of what our current situation is... because the grass is always greener on the other side. Somedays, you enjoy the extra time to snuggle and nurture - other days, you'd give your right arm for some adult conversation. Either way, it's hard and a struggle because parenting is just HARD.

We did a combo of cry it out and attachment parenting. We didn't do any formal sleep training or plans like Babywise or the like. The reason was mainly because with James - we were working on building a bond with our adopted son based on the advice of our adoption counselors. So when needed - we let him sort things out, and when needed we cuddled and consoled him. Tyler needed a bit of a different approach, and we took that as it came.

For us, sleeping with the boys in the bed with us is not a good mix - none of us get a good night of sleep. We did have them in a bassinet in our room until they were sleeping through the night, and now they both sleep great in their own cribs.

I don't look down on anyone for choosing different for their families - we all just do the best we can for our families based on the needs of our families. My wish is that we could all just support each other and not have to compare different decisions. Sure, offer advice and suggestion... just don't belittle or make someone feel badly for doing the opposite.

Parenting Philosophy

I want to preface this post with the understanding that none of us has all the answers - I know I don't. I just know what works for us, and where we plan to head with our parenting of James & Tyler.

Recently, my sister sent an email to a group of women talking about Harry Potter being against the Bible and being something evil. She has a right to her opinion, to be sure - and she had an article that was attached to the email - I wish I still had it to be fair to her... but it's not exactly what I want to talk about here anyway.

I want to really go broader than that - because it's not about 1 book series to me - it's more of a philosophy. John and I have had this discussion several times - on may levels. Schooling options and all sorts of other issues. I know that people struggle with their choices over homeschooling, private schooling, or public schooling. I can't say one is better than the other - you have to make that choice for your family and children.

For us, I can tell you that for us - we plan to public school our children. At least right now, that could change in the 4-5 years between where we are now and the boys actually starting school. Our philosophy about school gets that the route of our overall parenting style. We feel like it's our responsibility to expose our kids to different things - that are reasonable and age appropriate - even things that we wouldn't want to teach our children... things they might pick up at school... and use them as teachable moments.

For instance, they are exposed to political views we don't agree with, religious views, or even racial views that we don't agree with... and we use those moments to teach our children based on God's teaching that we might not agree with the other person's view or actions... but we are called to love them anyway. Love the sinner - hate the sin. I feel like that gets to the route of most issues - we are ALL sinners. We ALL have flaws and make mistakes... but our calling is to love people.

I fail miserably at that most days, but I do try.

For us, we feel like it is better for our kids to be exposed while they are in our home - under our watchful eye - because we can teach them to assess the situation and get through it. The alternative might be that they get out there on their own in college for instance, and they are completely unable to navigate the cruel ugly world that we live in... and they could falter. I'd rather arm them with the knowledge and spirituality they need to get through it on their own - to rise above and get through it even when I can't be there to help.

I guess for me, while I know we are not OF this world... but have to live in it until Christ returns... I want my kids to be able to deal with all the different things that would come at them.

There are certainly going to be rules and things we don't let them do... I'm not saying I'm going to let my 7 year old watch R rated movies or anything... BUT I do feel like age appropriate things are alright. I mean I want them to be readers - and there are fiction books out there, make believe - I want them to have healthy imaginations, and it's up to me to guide them to know what is real and what isn't. So, I don't see them reading Harry Potter when they are old enough as a horrible thing... as long as they know it's just a silly book.

I hope this makes sense, and I'd be happy to delve into it further... if there are other facets of this that you guys want to ask me about. (Just keep it respectful)

Not Cool

So while this tired, old, weepy Momma was eating her lunch today - I was browsing the interwebs for news to occupy my brain. Cause otherwise - I'd likely fall asleep face planted into my salad. I was poking around on our local newspaper website, looking really for news updates about the daycare fire and search for the coward that created that situation... but I happened across THIS blog post.

If you don't want to pop over there to read it - let me give you the highlights. Basically, this lady's 4-5 year old daughter did a project for school about various things she likes and such... in the section for what she wants to be when she grows up - she basically says "housewife" - the mother takes this to mean that her daughter has no ambition. She does come back and try to redeem herself at the end of the post... but it didn't take away from my wanting to slap her.

What the crap?!

Since when is it not ambitious to want to take care of your family? To be a good parent? I see those as admirable qualities... and if you are in a financial situation to be able to do such a thing... I say "good for her!"

First of all, she's 5! What does she really know about what she wants to do with the rest of her life? She can barely tie her shoes or count to 100... I mean honestly. I'm sure she'll change her mind 15,000 times before she is actually old enough to do anything about starting any real career path.

Secondly, the teacher explained to her that boys and girls process differently - so her response was completely age appropriate. So why mess with that? Why not let this little girl maintain some of the sweet innocence that brought on such a response?

Would it be so bad for people to step back from all the "things" they want in this world, and take care of the "things/people" that really matter? At the end of the day... does she really need that new iPad2 or would it be better to raise her family and make memories at the zoo or just at the park?

I think that it's a sad testimony about where people have their priorities these days... I mean come on!

Now, that being said - I understand that for a lot of families 2 incomes are a MUST, and I respect that too... I completely stand behind people doing whatever they have to do in order to take care of their families to the best of their abilities. Be happy, people... take care of the people that matter...

I have done both, and can say that neither situation is easy. On the one hand, while staying at home - you can get to a point where you need some outside interaction... but on the other hand, working a full-time job and then going home to properly care for your family (a second full-time job) can be exhausting and overwhelming.

I guess my point to this lady is this. Don't for one second think that someone staying home to take care of the people that matter most in their life as anything other than highly ambitions and admirable! Quite the same to me as someone setting out to be a brain surgeon or anything else.

Advice

Isn't it amazing the amount of advice that you get when you are pregnant or raising an infant? I am literally speechless sometimes over the volume of emails, phone calls, and verbal advice that I am given on on a weekly basis - ranging in topics from delivery to the right way to hold my son. Does this happen to everyone?

I wasn't exactly prepared for it - and often times, I don't agree with what is being said... but I try to gracefully just take it all in with a grain of salt. When I have a question - I certainly put it out there for any and everyone to give me feedback... but the thing that blows my mind is just the amount of random stuff being told to me all the time about topics that really don't even apply.

Please don't take this as me asking for you to not leave comments - because that is NOT the case... I love hearing from each and every one of you... I'm just wondering how this phenomina starts. I guess it's everyone wanting to share their experience to help new mothers out - and that's truly a beautiful thing... it's very sweet and kind.

I guess the thing that I wonder about is if folks realize that every mother and every child is different... because what works for one might not work for the other. What works for James may not necessarily work for Tyler when he comes along... and you just have to be flexible and learn what your baby wants and needs.

I certainly am new to this game of motherhood - but my son is happy, growing, healthy, and thriving... so I consider that we're doing a pretty good job of it even with the ups and downs as they come. So, I think that for now, at this stage of his development - we have a pretty good handle on what soothes him, when he's hungry and things like that - so it baffles me when people tell me I'm wrong. Or that I'm not doing something correctly. For sure there are things that come up that we haven't experienced before - as will happen for the next 25+ years... but you just have to figure it out as it comes.

In terms of birth and delivery - I think some of the things I've written about that have become misunderstood in terms of what I'm trying to say - because some of the emails I've gotten have been to a certain extent - outside of the point that I was making. Here's the thing... I know my body fairly well - I'm not as in tune with it as some... BUT I know for the most part what I need at various times.

I know that my blood pressure, blood sugar, and vitamin levels are of the utmost importance... and believe me they are being strictly monitored - I promise. My doctors are wonderful at that part of the process and there are two of them working as a team in this with me... and I feel pretty confident that with that we're doing alright. Surprisingly enough, my body seems to be doing fairly well inspite of the issues that it could be having - so we're thrilled that as of right now my blood pressure levels are completely normal... no one expected that blessing! Even in spite of my swelling - the levels are staying at normal levels or just below.

In terms of delivery - natural vs c-section... I know that this is a pretty controvercial topic for some... and I certainly think every woman is entitled to having the delivery that they want... but I just want to clear the air on how I feel about it - and my plans. For starters - I think that every woman's view on this is shaped by her medical history and experiences in life... so no one is wrong - we're all just different. For me personally - I am not afraid, upset or anything else about having a c-section. I feel like for me, that will likely be how Tyler comes to join the family.

My own birth story was one where my mother and I both almost died because they weren't quick enough to realize that I should have been born that way - and by the time they did realize I was stuck in the birth canal - it was too late to change the course of the delivery. I realize that was 1978 and things have changed since then, BUT again... I'm totally fine with having a c-section if that is what my doctor feels is best.

Given the potential size of Tyler - being that I'm diabetic... and the issues that can come up with preeclampsia due to my blood pressure - I feel pretty confident that we'd make a good choice there to go ahead with a c-section. Now, if something changes and it looks like a vaginal delivery would be perfectly fine for both of us - then that's okay too. I'm just not going to be one of those women that fights to the end to have the vaginal delivery... that isn't me, and I know that. If the doctor says "I think we should do the c-section, because..." my response would be "great, let's do it!"

I know my body - and I know that typically... when it comes to medical things... I fall into the worst case scenario end of the spectrum, and I'm okay with that - I've learned to live with it. All I ask is that my choices be given the same respect that I'd give you in yours. I think it's wonderful that some of you deliver your children without medication... at home or otherwise... I really do - I think it's great that you can make those decisions and have that freedom, and I hope that each experience has been fantastic. I am not that person... I'm as far from being what has been called "granola" as one can get... and I'm okay with that.

I don't really do nature - on most levels... I'm not a camper... I'd rather be in a hotel. I'm not an all-natural no drugs sort of girl... and I'm okay with that too. It takes all of us to make this world go around - and we have to love and respect each other for those differences.

I think the single best advice I've gotten from some dear friends has been "Find what works for you and your baby - and stick with it" - best words ever... because they are so TRUE!! Even still - sometimes all a new mom needs is a smile, a hug, and someone to just tell them that they understand and have been there.

I hope that I haven't run you guys off - because honestly - I love hearing from you, and have picked up parenting/pregnancy tricks from you that I didn't know existed... I just wondered if others out there experienced a crazy onslaught of advice during this period of their parenting journey... and does it continue as the kids get older, or is this just something that happens with the baby stage...

(Also realize that I'm insanely hormonal... so like I've done with some of the advice... take my words with a grain of salt... and if needed with a lime and a margarita!)