Where have I been?

We're all social distancing now, but I've slowly been noticing that I've been distancing myself from the world since last July. It's no big secret that life has been challenging at times for our little sweet man. But let me go back to the beginning of last year, and we got notice at our neurologist appointment that her practice was changing over to a membership-based practice. The fee for staying there wasn't extremely high, but when I learned that they were still billing insurance and charging copays... it just seemed like I was being punished for an issue with the insurance side of the coin.

So we went back and forth a bit, and I started making calls to a few other clinics to see where we would land. Most of those clinics couldn't see him until October of 2019, but I finally found a great spot with the T.H.I.N.K. Clinic in Houston -- they have several locations, and we see the one in our area. Anyway, they were able to get us in around the end of July for our initial visit.

To say that it was an eye-opening experience would be an understatement. I guess I just had completely miss judged what our previous neurologist had been doing for the 5 years we were her patient. We went every 6 months, and even though she had asked me a billion questions about how school was going -- nothing ever came from that part of the discussion. Honestly, I thought it was weird that I was telling her all that information, and she took notes on it... but that was the end of it.

I'd been having concerns that there was more to the picture than I was being told, so I mentioned that when making the appointment with the new clinic. They ran with it and did an autism screening. It came back that my precious boy has autism, but that's just the tip of the iceberg of things that I learned that day. This new doctor spent an hour with us, and I walked away with referrals for 8 other specialists and therapists that they wanted us to see. Y'all, I was completely blown away.

You see, we've known that James has Neurofibromatosis since fairly early on - when we were living in Memphis it was confirmed and they did his first MRI... but really since then other than some testing when he was around 4, no one has really tried to get in there and help us get any sort of REAL help for us.

We left that appointment and a few weeks later had a 72 hour EEG to test him for any seizures, that came out completely clear -- but man, this kid did NOT enjoy that testing. We were able to get into the Neurofibromatosis Clinic at Texas Children's Hospital, which was another very educational visit. I've got some follow up to do with them, but they want to do some genetic testing on him that they say can help predict what problems he might have going forward, and help us know what to expect. They also said that he doesn't have any issues on his optic nerves and by his age, it's unlikely that they would develop. We've got an appointment in mid-April for a neuro-eye exam, but I'm not sure if we will be rescheduled at this point. We've also got an endocrinology appointment in May... again if we can get to them.

We waited and fought a hundred rounds trying to get him into a clinic for a neuro-psych test which we just got completed at the end of February... y'all, there is so much to process from that visit. I'll have to dive into it in another post, but while it wasn't completely unexpected... there were tears from this pile of emotions over here.

This is a long post already though, and there is just SO much more to say... and that I've learned. Not to mention since there isn't much else to do these days... I'll be back very soon with more.

Neurologist Update

Today, we had our follow-up appointment with our Pediatric Neurologist. We love Dr. Jones, and it's always fun getting to spend a few minutes with her. We talked about all of the issues that have been going on - especially the day that James nabbed my phone. We talked about how in some ways it seems like we are reverting back to those crazy toddler days before we even knew what was going on with James.

We started off with her letting me know that his MRI looks exactly the same as it did the last time it was done... which is a GOOD thing. Don't get me wrong - I love that result, but I was wondering if these behavioral issues were the result of a change there. That isn't the case - so we're back to the drawing board of finding the balance for James.

She gave us the all-clear on the MRI for 18-24 months -- so we don't have to worry about that again for a good while... which is nice.

We also talked about a test that a friend of mine mentioned -- it's a cheek swab test that brings back a list of what medications work well for the patient and what won't work at all. The website for the test paints it a bit differently - as in the test is a miracle that will magically tell you the exact medications that will work best... sadly, that isn't reality. Dr. Jones explained that it basically brings back the patient's detailed liver reaction to each medication -- which can be helpful, but it doesn't directly point you to specific meds. She did say that one benefit to the test is that it can stay with him for life -- so if anyone ever needs to put him on medications later in life for whatever chronic illness may or may not come... it'll have information on what drugs might work best for him.

I feel good about that given that I can't help guide him on what he might be allergic to - where I can with Tyler to a certain degree. At least as far as my medical background goes - so the only mystery for Tyler would be John's medical background... but even there - we know that John isn't allergic to anything.

After talking through that test - we looked at what tweaks we can make to his medicines - so for the next couple of weeks, we are going to try a new patch that gradually doses his medicine over 9 hours. I don't know how the patch will work, but it's the same medication that he has been on and we've had success with it -- so as long as he will keep the patch on, it might work well. Additionally, we are going to give him one of his other pills a couple hours earlier to see if that'll help slow him down in the witching hour when he just seems to be like a tornado.

Lastly, we talked about how he is doing academically - which is hard for me to answer. I'm of the mindset that they are always behind, but I know that is partially me being hard on myself. I feel like in some areas they are doing well, and others we are a bit behind... but I think overall we are doing as well as we can. Everyone keeps up for the most part - so we will just keep plugging away. I hope everyone is having a great start to their week... and I'm hoping to get back to this blogging thing more often -- since we're 95% over this flu now.

Catching Up

Since my last post -- we've had a doozy of a week and a half...

James got his MRI taken care of, but that was an ordeal. My poor buddy got stuck several times before the nurses decided that they should give him some gas to knock him out so they could get it. We decided that we won't ever try that again without giving him the gas, to begin with... I'm not sure who had more trauma from that experience - John or James. While James was getting his test done; Tyler, John, and I went downstairs for some breakfast. I wasn't feeling that well so I didn't eat, but we learned that Tyler has no problem with hospital food. HAHAHA.

John woke up that morning feeling under the weather, and he was set to travel to Belguim on Sunday - so I made him a doctor's appointment that he could go to once we got everyone home from the hospital. We went back upstairs, and after a few minutes, they called me back to see James. He woke up talking and has not stopped since... unless he is sleeping. They told us that he might be groggy for the rest of the day from the anesthesia... they lied.

He was back full speed from the moment we got home. Ready to go, but we tried our best to keep him at a slower pace for the rest of the day. John made it to the doctor, and they told him he had bronchitis.

By Saturday, he had a 102 fever - so he called and talked with his team leader, and they decided to cancel his trip. Thank goodness they did that... by Monday, I was diagnosed with the Flu A. I made it to the doctor on Monday evening, and then the ice storm hit - so the city was shut down on Tuesday and Wednesday. Well, by Tuesday evening - we knew Tyler had the flu as well... but with everything closed, we couldn't get them to the doctor until Thursday morning.

Thursday morning, both boys were diagnosed with Flu B - so we've been quarantined ever since. John was able to work his meetings in Belgium from home so he has been with us the whole week. While we were at the pediatrician's office - we discussed with him the possibility of John having been misdiagnosed with bronchitis earlier in the week - and he thought it sounded plausible. He told us that the Flu test can be falsely negative, however, it normally is accurate for most -- but at that point, there wasn't any need to go back for another flu test because Tamiflu couldn't help him at that stage of the illness.

We are hoping that we can get completely over this Flu and get back to normal again -- with a good LONG break from being sick. I mean, I haven't sneezed or coughed that much in my LIFE. My shoulder blades hurt. My lungs hurt. My nose hurts. We are all exhausted. Back to bed for me...

At a Loss

I've never felt more alone and isolated in my life. Before you think this a plea for attention, please know that it is not. I know most will never read these words, and I'm okay with that... I won't even share this on my personal social media accounts because really the only reason for writing it is therapy for myself.

I haven't shared too much about James or his issues with the world -- because I didn't want him to be labeled or thought of differently than any other kid, but the truth is... he is very different from any other child.

At a very early age, he was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis Type 1 - which if you google it is incredibly frightening. It is a condition that can cause tumors to develop in his body during his growing years, but it also has a strong effect on how his brain functions. We are closely monitored by a pediatric neurologist, and he has annual MRIs to check his brain for tumors. As of last MRI, he had no tumors. The condition is also the reason he is so small... which is a blessing and a curse. NF1 is at it's biggest threat level during the growing years - so it's a battle between is he growing enough or pushing the envelope and potentially causing the fibroids to develop.

What he does have is SEVERE ADHD. It's been explained to us that in his brain, it's like all of his nerves are inside of drinking straws, so information is not processed or even received in the same way as all of the rest of us. He struggles with everything in ways that are hard to describe, but at the same time, he is brilliant. He just can't recall information when asked like others can, for instance, if you ask him questions -- he can't answer them, but sometimes he will spout off information that is incredibly smart.

He hyper-focuses on things, usually one or two things at a time. Those items have been; vacuums, washing machines, cars, dogs, shots/IVs, and more. That means that over the years - we've listened to thousands of hours of vacuum cleaner noise, and had more help with laundry than is actually helpful.. clothes rewashed hundreds of time just so he can watch them spin around. There is so much more than I just can't even type.

Three years ago we started down the path of trying to get him medicated help because he can't function without it. We've gone through so many medicines with so many different reactions. We've been through hallucinations (which with a child is unnerving) and several other issues, but for a while, we were regulated and doing REALLY well. He was able to function, learn, and be on a decent schedule.

When his medications are working - he is the sweetest child. So loving that you wouldn't even believe the defiant whirlwind of untamed energy that his unmedicated self-brings to the party. It's like two totally different kids. Night and Day, if you will.

About a month or two ago, he started having some paranoia issues so we started down the path of changing his medications to see if we could get into another good place. This has been the longest and worst months of our lives. If you can imagine at 7 years old... he is reverting back to things that he did as a toddler... he chews on his clothes, and runs wild in the mornings before his medication getting into everything he can. Trust me, we have put things up high and the whole nine yards -- we fix it and he finds something else to get into or to do.

Which brings me to this morning -- he stole my phone and called no less than 200 different numbers before John and I were awake. This list includes cousins, grandparents, multiple friends, and even 911 (at least twice)! Those that did talk to him, told him to bring the phone to one of his parents... to which they were told we were sleeping. Some find this stuff funny, but as a weary mom who deals with this stuff daily... it's just not. I don't find it funny - it's mortifying.

I am literally at my witts end with this kid. I've changed my code to my phone, but tomorrow it'll be something else entirely that he does. Like the time he made snow angels in the bathroom with powder, or the time he ate blue food coloring, or the time he sprayed essential oils all over his dresser -- its never anything he has ever paid attention to before. There just isn't any planning for it - unless we clear the house of any items at all.

Yesterday, he was great - we had a lovely time at a birthday party. He ran around, played and wore himself out with his friends. I thought we were doing better, but I was wrong. A false sense of things getting back to normal.

Most will never understand what is happening with James, 98% of the time... I don't even understand what is happening with him. We know that he can't help it, but when he is bouncing off the walls at midnight or making phone calls at 6AM... the knowledge that he can't help it just doesn't relieve the frustration. I know he is struggling, and God knows I'm trying everything I can think of to help him... but I just don't see a light at the end of this tunnel, and that right there is the most frightening and helpless feeling of them all.

If I can plead with everyone for a minute -- I know that we've all seen kids out in the world that we immediately think, "oh if he were mine..." -- please the next time you see that happening... don't go there. Inside of that situation, none of us have any idea what is going on behind the scenes... maybe they are bad parents, maybe they are lazy, but maybe... just maybe they are dealing with so much more than you can ever imagine. For moms everywhere that are struggling - I get it and I pray that you and your child come to a place of peace.

Journey of Loving my Family Well

Can I take a second to laugh at my boy, Tyler... I mean that boy gets so weird in front of the camera... he almost always looks like his eyes are about to pop out of his skull.

This year, I'm seeking out ways to love my family in more tangible ways -- to be present and love them in more effective ways.

How do I want to do that -- I'm thinking of Bible studies with John; daily devotions with the boys; date nights with John at least monthly; date nights with the boys.

I was thinking that the boy's date nights would work by dividing and concurring... i.e. James goes out with Mom one month then Dad the next month... and the same with Tyler. That way each of them has a special time with one of us each month.

I gave John a year of planned out dates as part of his Christmas gift -- so we just have to choose a day each month to accomplish them. I'm hoping that by the end of the month we can get January's date planned, but he is still working around the clock on a big project at work -- so hopefully it will wind up soon.

We got the One Year Devotional for Preschoolers 2

 

For our first trial run of doing this -- I wanted something very simple and short that we could read while they are having their dinner at night. Just a 2-3 minute talk and hopefully it will get them talking about things that the reading bring to their mind. 

Next up, I need to find a Bible study for John and I to work on together. We did get a really cool journal for Christmas -- so we're going to be working on that this year too. 

 

Those are some of my initial ideas for how I can work toward trying to be more dialed in with my family. Of course there are others that I am looking into -- so I'll let you know about those as I learn more.

Day Out With Dad

In mid-September, John and his Dad took the boys to their first home Texas A&M game of the year. We also went on this past Saturday, and they will get to go again with their Dad and PawPaw in November too. They had a good time, but it was REALLY hot - so they only made it through to see the band perform at halftime.

They are pretty much obsessed with all things about the Aggie Band right now, and knowing that their Daddy played with them when he was there is even more exciting. They've added a toy trumpet and saxophone to their Christmas lists -- which I may regret greatly come Christmas. It's pretty cute though, and I think that their interest in music is nice. I hope to find them a way to start learning how to actually play some instruments in the next couple of years.

These 4 are such a crazy set, but they love each other fiercely. I am so glad that they get to share this with their Daddy and grandfather. They are surely making memories for years to come, and it's a beautiful thing that they can capture it on the iPhone camera -- so they can watch it over and over again on YouTube too!

They were waiting for Spirit Walk which is where the Aggie Band leads the Football Team in to the stadium -- they get to high five the band members on their way in to Kyle Field. Oddly enough, Tyler is more interested in the band than the football team... He got all of the football player's autographs earlier in the summer, but I think that he would be more excited if he could get the band player's autographs!

Since it was so hot, they also went for ice cream after they stopped off at Double Dave's for pizza rolls. I think it's safe to say that a good time was had by all! Tyler even fell asleep on the way back home.

The game started at 11 that morning, so they still had some time after they got home to relax -- and we got to see a rare moment where the boys sat together to watch a movie together on the iPad. I just love those two to pieces, and when they get along so well like this -- it just makes me smile.

Field Trip Fun - Houston Children's Museum

About a week ago, we went to a special Homeschool Day at the Children's Museum of Houston. It was a great day, that the museum closed for the day -- and let us come play at a discounted rate. Several of our homeschool friends were also there, but it was hard to keep everyone together -- as the kids just sort of start running from exhibit to exhibit.We did our best, and had a few minutes together.

The boys had a great time on their first visit to the museum, this was our first stop -- it was a room with a lot of gravity/physics/electricity type of games and simulations -- this was a golf ball table where they had to bounce the balls off of the obstacles and get them to fall in the holes. When they fell through, they dropped down and rolled back to where they are standing. I wasn't sure we were going make it past this toy because they loved it.

Somehow we rounded around to a room all about letting the kids explore Mexico. They had a VW bus that the kids could pretend to drive, and a moped with a cart on the back so this is all of us piling in with James our little chauffeur. Tyler enjoyed playing with the little Mexican Market, and the home that was made up there for them to be able to make pretend tortillas.

When we walked out of that area devoted to Mexico and found some face paint crayons -- I'm not sure what else to call them, but the boys begged me to give them bunny noses and wiskers -- so I let them do it. Of course Tyler then tried to wipe them off immediately and made a mess on his face. They had sponges in the display for you to get the crayons wet -- to then use on your face -- so he grabbed one of the sponges and wiped it right on his face making his lips and everything green. Oiy!

Next up, we find the little city -- it is so great. Everything is set up for the kids to learn about banking, paychecks, jobs, and everything in between. There is a Bank, Post Office, Stock Market, News Station, Election/Government Room, Police Station, Ambulance, Grocery Store, Restaurant, and Vet Clinic. It's absolutely adorable. Each area has a sponsor -- so for the grocery store -- it's sponsored by H-E-B and looks like the inside of the H-E-B stores. The boys of course loved it!

Tyler might have enjoyed the grocery store more than James -- which I thought was odd. I thought James would have been thrilled with getting to play with this. They both loved the one in Memphis that was set up like the Kroger stores there.

Next up, they hit the vet clinic and played in there for a bit. They had all sorts of cool stuff in there - skeletons of animals, x-rays, food, treats, play animals, even a set of cages for boarding the animals. It was really adorable. They enjoyed it almost as much as the Ambulance... which we hit twice and stayed for a significant amount of time.

Here we are driving the ambulance... they loved it and the lights flashed when they turned on some of the switches. They played here for a good bit, and in the back of the ambulance as well. This is right up their alley -- because they love playing all things doctor/rescue/fire/police related.

I cracked up because there is a little toy defibrillator there in the back of the ambulance, but James mostly liked giving the patient shots while Tyler wanted to just check his heart all the time.

This is James driving the police car -- which is super cute! They have a little crime lab that they can explore in as well, but neither of them had much interest. They also had a deal where you can be the 911 dispatcher and decide who should respond to certain emergencies.

This is Tyler and I in the postal truck having some selfie time. They love taking pictures with us like this -- so I indulged them a little bit. I think they really loved all of this little city.

James and I in the same postal truck -- he also loved the little delivery bike too. They also had a bike in the first room we went in that allowed them to ride and create electricity to light up a strip of lights. He really got a kick out of that.

Here we are back in that original room riding on a lift -- there is a lesson in that about something, but we missed it because all he cared about was being lifted off the ground to then slowly fall back down. He made me take several videos of it, which is hard when I'm the one videoing AND pulling the rope to lift him up in the air to fall back down.

A great time was had by all, until we went into the little gift shop -- I told them they could choose something small -- Tyler picked a little pack of jelly beans, James wanted a $45 dollar school bus. Then he backed of to a $20 school bus... this all ended in no one getting anything -- and me carrying James kicking and screaming all the way out of the museum and to the car. He was still screaming and crying when we got halfway home. UGH! Some days are wins and some are epic losses -- this one was a combination of both.

We are learning a LOT of lessons around here these days -- like how dessert isn't a right... it's a privilege that can be lost. We usually negotiate them into fruit if their attitudes aren't good... but last night they went off the deep end and lost their devices for the rest of the day AND their dessert. Tyler cried himself to sleep and James was fine other than the loss of the iPad.

They are good boys, but this whole idea of disobeying and all of that has been the hardest thing for us to work through. I guess it is for everyone -- but MAN, can they catch on a little bit? We've also been working on proper responses to anger -- like calming down, talking to the offender, and then working on something else to take your mind off of things. Instead of reacting in anger and punching your brother repeatedly... the lesson isn't getting much traction yet.

Day in the Life - 2015

 

Here is what our typical morning looks like for homeschool -- after breakfast and getting dressed of course. Ok, I'm keeping it real... some of us choose to stay in our pajamas during school time. We typically start school at 10:00 and go until we are finished -- most days it only takes us an hour and a half in the classroom -- then we are free to go explore in the world. Whether that be doing chores, field trips, park days, sports, or whatever the day brings... we are always learning. 

I took some videos of my kiddos practicing their first 4 parts of the day -- because the other parts of the day vary in what we are discussing, reading, or doing. 

Keep in mind that we are a work in progress -- and I took these because I wanted them to see what they look like in the classroom. It's certainly FAR from perfect, but I'm hoping that by the end of the year... these things look a whole lot better! 

Here is our classroom for those that haven't seen the amazing bulletin boards & white board my sweet husband built for us. 

Here is our video of practicing the rules... someone tell me that they will eventually FOLLOW these rules rather than just recite them. Sigh. 

Immediately following this we do our calendar time, talk about the days of the week, months of the year, and seasons too. 

Next comes our memory verse and daily prayer -- this is new to them, so it's a work in progress for sure... as well as proper attention and form when praying.

This is the prayer that I'm reading from daily until they memorize it, in case anyone else would like to use it.

Here was our first memory verse of the year -- they started it last year and mostly remembered it. Transitioning to a new verse has been challenging.


Next we say our pledge which I still think is super important for them to know even if most kids in their generation won't have much experience with saying it daily. We are learning that we need to show respect while doing the pledge as well by not jumping around like little apes.


I know I'm biased, but considering 12 months ago one of these guys was having hallucinations because of his medications -- we've come a long way! We're in week 4 of our school year, and I'm immensely proud of them. We are only 5 & 1/2 and 4 (he'll be 5 in a couple weeks) -- which I have a hard time remembering daily as I likely expect far too much from them. I hope this gives y'all a good look at how things go every school day in our house.

Fly, Baby Birds

My two baby birds are starting Kindergarten in less than a week, and even though we've been homeschooling for the last two years with preschool... the game changes next week. The stakes are higher when you're talking about actual school years - so I can't help but feel the pressure too.

Can I really teach these two know-it-alls to read? Can I teach them the math skills that I never had in order for them to succeed in ways that I never did? Can we get into a rhythm and not have the wheels fall off for us this year? I guess time will tell.

I had the opportunity to drive a couple of hours away this week to help my mom have knee replacement surgery, and that afforded me some time to reflect on my drive. Just me and some great music in the car... and I found a song that I hadn't heard before, but fell in love with it instantly.

The song is by Maddie & Tae, called "Fly" -- here are the lyrics...
(you can click the link to watch the video)

Baby blue staring in the window pane
Just counting drops of rain
Wondering if she's got the guts to take it
Running down her dreams in a dirty dress,
Now her heart's a mess
Praying she'll find a way to make it

So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake
Just keep on reaching though the limb might break
We've come this far, don't you be scared now
'Cause you can learn to fly on the way down

Searching for a sign in the night even like a lonely string of lights
That'll burn just long enough for you to see it
The road's been long and lonely and you feel like giving up
There's more to this than just the breath you're breathing

So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake
Just keep on reaching though the limb might break
We've come this far, don't you be scared now
'Cause you can learn to fly on the way down

On the way down

You won't forget the heavy steps it took to let it go
Close your eyes, count to ten, hold your breath and fly

Keep on climbing, though the ground might shake
Just keep on reaching though the limb might break
We've come this far, don't you be scared now
'Cause you can learn to fly on the way down

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Fly
Fly

 

The lyrics struck a chord with me, just like the tribute Kathy Lee Gifford gave about Frank on Monday. If you haven't seen it -- you need to click HERE. 

These two messages just brought tears to my eyes because THAT is what I want for my boys. I want them to take their stones and cast them far into the world, and to keep trying even when it gets hard... because they can learn to fly on their way down whatever path they choose for themselves. 

I hope that the next 13 years of schooling with them give them the love of learning, and opportunities to do things that they've never even dreamed of doing --- while following their own passions and strengths. 

I hope that they learn lessons about handling money, raising children, doing laundry, being good fathers, living for Jesus, always standing up for what is right, how to fix things around the house, to build things along side of their Dad, work outside in the yard, and most of all how to love deeply. 

I want to teach them things about cooking, and how to help their wives - like their Dad does for me. 

I know that they probably won't ever understand all of the fears and hopes that I have in my heart for them, at least not until they have children of their own -- but I just pray that I'm enough for them. I pray that we will enjoy the process, and time together. I pray that as they get older, they'll have the confidence to try new things. 

Most of all, I pray that they can work together and learn together. That James will continue to improve with his ADHD symptoms and allow him to truly fly in ways that he hasn't been able to before. I know that Tyler will do great, and I hope that he is able to soar into the clouds while I get James caught up a little bit with the things that haven't clicked for him just yet. 

Lets go Momma Hawk Academy Class of 2028!

James Update

You see this guy with the cape? Whew, he is a whirlwind! He is always happy and has a great time everywhere he goes... he has never met a stranger. He is a bit impulsive, and struggles to stay focused. When he was 2, he was diagnosed with neurofibromatosis type 1.

Neurofibromatosis Type 1 (NF1) -- Neurofibromatosis type I (NF-1) is a tumor disorder that is caused by the mutation of a gene on chromosome 17 that is responsible for control of cell division. NF-1 causes tumors along the nervous system. Common symptoms of NF-1 include scoliosis (curvature of the spine), learning disabilities, vision disorders, and epilepsy.

To be clear, at this time, James has none of these tumors, and all of his MRIs have come back clear. He does have the spots, and definitely has ADHD - fairly severe ADHD actually. He struggles with what they call motor planning, as well as being able to be still to do anything for more than 15ish seconds depending on the activity. He can hyperfocus on certain games and videos on his iPad, but most other things he can't stick with.

He has been in therapy for a year and a half now, and some things have started to click a bit for him. His fine motor planning has been the biggest delay for him, and he still struggles with pinching and gripping things properly, but we still work with him. We've had to stop therapy because private therapy was just too expensive even with insurance coverage.

We did have him tested earlier this year for a special program within the public school system, and he tested out of that - so he wasn't able to get any extra help there. I was amazed that they felt like he was on par to start Kindergarten in the fall, but we're thankfully going to homeschool him and keep working on things at home.

He has seen a developmental specialist twice, and while I don't completely think she gets a good picture by sitting with him for an hour -- we've gotten some insight there as well. She was the one that suggested testing him for the special preschool program within the public schools - she was really the one that made me decide 100% to school him at home. She said that with the way schools here are designed - they are open concept so that all of the classrooms are in blocks of 4 that are basically only separated by bookshelves and things that leave the area open - he would really suffer with all of the distractions.

I'm not willing to let that happen to him, and I think the older he gets the more we can talk through ways for him to cope with these types of issues. There are absolutely things that interest him though - washing machines, vacuums, mechanical, and medical things seem to be things that he hyper-focuses on.

He goes to see his neurologist for a check up in a week, and it's always nice to get her input and advice. We've also got him set to start our Kindergarten program in about a month, which will be exciting to get us into a routine. James thrives on routine the most - he loves knowing what is coming next.

He sure is a sweet little guy, still wearing size 2t-3t most of the time - he has the smallest waist so we have to stay in that size for his pjs... but they look like capri pants. Otherwise we have to really cinch up his pants to get the length correct. He is still wearing the same size shoe as he was 2 years ago too. He is getting taller though, so that is good. His weight is still hanging in there at 35 pounds too. James is a precious little man, and we love him with all of our hearts!

Worst Mom in the World

I swear that every time we walk into a store -- it's like the whole world comes apart for these two boys. Like suddenly they forget every bit of sense their little bodies had and they become two of the biggest hyenas I've ever witnessed.

I feel people looking at me like I haven't taught them any better, which I can assure them... I have. I continue to tell them that people aren't going to want to be around them if they continue acting like this, but it really falls on deaf ears. Am I alone? Is it their age? Is it the fact that they are only 6 months apart?

I have no idea. We can be at home, with them acting completely civil -- go out for a quick errand, and they act like they can't hold it together. Running around the grocery cart, smacking each other, trying to squish their brother inside the carts that have the "driving car" on the front... then finally they are not even riding IN the stupid driving car that they desperately had to have. It's my favorite to be pushing those impossible to steer carts with no children inside.

It's a problem, and I'm not sure what to do about it. Should I ignore them, and have confidence that it'll stop? It's the same thing at restaurants... so I feel like I've got to train them somehow, but then there is the deaf ear problem. Oiy! Boys!

Help a momma out... why are my children crazy in public? Are yours? Can you at least tell me yours are so that I'll feel better? I know most of you have angelic children because I see them in the grocery store and wonder why mine are doing doughnuts around the cart which everyone else has their kids sitting still in their cart.

My Testimony - Part 2

If you want to start at the beginning -- Part 1 is here.

The desire to have children still weighed on my heart daily, and in 2009 we started the process of seeing another fertility specialist. I went through some serious craziness with the fertility drugs and all, but I never was able to produce a viable egg for the doctors to use for any of the procedures. Not one single egg. We were in the middle of the 13 week New Testament Challenge at the time with the church, and I stuck with that challenge… I even have a journal with the notes I took and my daily prayers – which are interesting to go back and read now. During the challenge, I remember the doctor calling me in to tell me there was only one last ditch effort they could try, but somewhere in my heart I knew that it wasn’t going to work out. We had gone to just tell them we were done, and that we were going to explore adoption. They talked me into the meds, and having my tubes cleared out with dye… so we went through with that procedure in September or October of 2009. 

I started taking that last medication, and the same day – I literally became virtually blind – I couldn’t see a thing. We were driving to John’s parents house that day, and decided that we were officially done. So we called the doctor and told them that we couldn’t do it anymore. There were 3 huge signs from God that we needed to look at adoption, and not just any adoption agency… but New Life Adoptions specifically. A friend directed me to one of the counselors and her daughter, then we heard another friend adopted from there, and I think we saw a billboard at our friends’ church for the agency. I’m talking it was clear that this was it. 

We started the adoption process, and had our first meeting with the agency in December of 2009. By February of 2010, we had been matched with a sweet birthmom that was going to give us a baby girl. February 20, 2010 – we were at the hospital and heard the chimes that the baby girl was born, but in the process – the birthmom decided to keep her baby. I was devastated, but even then I felt the presence of God. I never really worried about the baby other than just knowing that we could have given her more worldly things, but I worried about that sweet girl that must have felt so many emotions and fear. She never responded to the counselors trying to reach out to her after the birth, but I asked them to mail her a card for me. I think of them every year on her birthday, and pray that they are doing well. 

8 years, 1 month, and 17 days after we got married – we welcomed James Edward Hawkins to our family. He was born during the Women’s Retreat that year, and I remember texting pictures of him to a few close friends. The very night that we brought James home from the hospital… a mere 5-6 hours after signing the adoption papers for him, we found out that I was pregnant with Tyler. Can you imagine the looks you get when you show up to your first prenatal appointment with a newborn?!?

My pregnancy wasn’t easy by any means, and caring for a newborn at the same time was rough. We made it through, and Tyler was born at 36 weeks. We found out at my delivery that if the doctor had chosen for me to try a traditional birth instead of a c-section, I would have bled to death because the veins in my placenta were 5-10 times the normal size. He spent 12 days in the NICU, but was a little champ. We were thrilled to have everyone home. 

 

We had been praying about my job situation as it wasn’t good, and they fired me for being out on leave with two maternity leaves in one year. God was in the details there too, because he provided John a huge promotion… but it meant moving away from all of our friends for a couple of years. When Ty was 6 months old and James just over a year old we moved to Memphis.