Monday, June 9, 2008

Ultimate Act of Maturity

I'm adding a special post because this morning I found out something that I found both sad and funny at the same time. I'm going to leave the details vague, but I'm pretty sure that the person in question doesn't read this blog anyway... and if she does... she'll know how I feel now...

I've had a certain "friend" for a very long time, but due to circumstances beyond my control - we've drifted farther and farther apart every year as we've gotten older. As I've grown and matured, in a lot of ways she has stayed exactly the same.

She doesn't believe in the same things that I do, doesn't know what it means to earn her own money, makes very bad judgements about people and most importantly people she chooses to date... and I have been struggling for a long time about what to do about our friendship. The most important thing to me has been understanding what God would command me to do in this situation - minister to her, or walk away?

I sought out the advice of my mentor, Lisa, and while she told me that God might allow us the opportunity to walk away when we've done all we can... she doesn't believe that he'd give us the out to completely close the door on the friendship. So, basically - I've been nothing but nice to this person, but at the same time have not sought out time with her lately. I have left the door open for anytime that she might need me, but also have guarded myself and surrounded myself with people that are from a completely different mindset.

I enjoy relationships where I can nurture them, support them, learn, and grow from them... not ones that feel like they are sucking the life out of me. It's sad but true that some of my relationship with blog readers that I've never met meet those criteria in more ways than this particular friendship has in a long time.

So this morning, I had a reason to check one of the social networking sites out there - and this person had removed me from their friend list... which I found funny at the time, but sad too that she thought that the best way to handle things would be to just delete and ignore them. I guess that truly shows the measure of her depth. Believe me - I'm not taking it personally and really am not that worried about it, but it just seems sad that at 30 years old... more maturity and tact can't be used.

I consider myself a good person and a good friend, but this person just couldn't be helped. It's sad and I mourn for the loss of life that she is resigning herself into - because only more misery comes from the path that she is choosing... but as always - I'll continue to be right here following the path for my life that is glorifying to God, and should he put me in her life again at some point in the future - I hope that I can honestly accomplish whatever he feels is my duty in her life - because this time around I seem to have failed. Or maybe I have accomplished what I needed to, and just don't know it? Either way - I wish her nothing but happiness and joy... and I truly from the bottom of my heart, hope that she finds whatever it is that she is looking for in life.


  1. "I enjoy relationships where I can nurture them, support them, learn, and grow from them... not ones that feel like they are sucking the life out of me."

    This is one of the toughest passages. I always hated it because it validated what my Mom always told me. "Most your friends will come and go and only a couple here and there will remain." It used to make me so angry when she'd say that, because of course I loved my friends.

    Not to sound so cold, but I Later in life it gets easier to separate the relationships you get true value from and those you do not. In general, those relationships you get value from will be the relationships with whom you share the most quality time with. That's not to say opposites attract, but as in the case of your friend, clearly you have different values and that creates conflict.

    I'm almost 41. I don't have a ton of people I'd categorize as "friends" but those who are, I know are mine for life... no matter where I go. No matter what I'm doing.

    It's hard to lose them, no matter the reason -- but the silver lining is knowing that you are maturing, growing and changing; recognizing your own needs and setting expectations out of the friendships in your life.

  2. I'm sorry the friendship has been a source of worry and stress for you. It sounds to me like the friend may know quite well that you're making better choices, and maybe being in touch with you reminds her of her own poor choices. No matter what happens, you can rest in knowing you've been an awesome friend to her!

  3. What you failed to say is that this is the person who's father passesd away about 6 months ago. He had been very sick for almost 2 years. You hadn't been much of a friend to her then. Yet when his funeral came you acted like nothing had changed. How do you know what path God has laid out for her? Who are you to judge? Maybe she felt like you didn't want to be her friend anymore. Did you ever consider those possibilities?

  4. Dear Anonymous,

    Why hide who you are - why not stand up and say what you have to say and not hide behind the animosity that is afforded you through this blog. Kim has tried to be there for Stephanie on several occasions, but Stephanie only looks out for one person and that is herself. Kim has also tried to rekindle their friendship on several occasions.

    I remember when Kim called Stephanie to tell her that we had gotten engaged - all Stephanie wanted to talk about was old high school friends - GROW UP will ya?? The truth is that when Stephanie's dad passed away, we both did what good friends do, we were there for her as much or as little as she wanted.

    Please, if you are going to call someone out - be a man/woman about it and say who you are - don't be a coward! And if you have something to say to my wife, you better be willing to deal with me!


  5. Kim

    it's hard to know how to move forward when dealing with others who have different life circumstances.

    best of luck with that, friend.

  6. Anonymous - I'm pretty sure I know who you are, and as with anyone - you only know one side of the story. Unfortunately, this is my blog and my opinions and thoughts prevail here.

    What you don't know is that while yes, she has had a hard time - and I wouldn't wish that on anyone - I am not qualified to help her with the grief that she is dealing with. I wish I were, but I'm not, and she doesn't wish to seek professional help. Her choice, and I respect that.

    I never claimed to know what God's plan is for her either - I certainly know that he has one - I just hope that she'll accept it when it becomes apparent to her. I am simply following his path for me, and at this time - it is leading me in another direction. Again, my choice... and my relationship with God.

    The thing that you fail to understand is that while she has been dealing with bad things - it has been going on a lot longer than the last 4-5 years that her life has been spiraling out of control. Even before her Dad got sick - everything was bad, and unfortunately - instead of trying to do something to help work her way out of the bankruptcy or other financial problems... she has chosen another path.

    I honestly probably made a mistake in how I dealth with her Dad's illness... but I did what I thought was best. In that situation - I would have wanted every minute with my Dad to myself, and I was trying to give her that... if that wasn't what she wanted or needed - all she had to do was say something...

    On top of that - unfortunately - lives don't stop; and I have/had a job, a husband, a family of my own, church commitments, and some pretty major health things going on in my own life... so I've had to juggle those things too.

    And for the record, I was in the hospital myself TWICE last year for surgery that Stephanie herself never bothered to check on me or visit... I did make time to visit her father in the hospital the last time I knew that things were bad.

    So, while I certainly do care about Stephanie, and she'll always have a place in my heart - I can recognize that our lives are moving in different directions... and that's sometimes a natural occurance. I'm here if she ever needs me, but yes things have been changing for a long time... since before her father got sick. I've made my peace with that, and I hope that she does too. I wish her the best, and in anyway that I can help her - I will.

    The only thing that I have left to say to you though - is that you don't know me at all, and while I respect Stephanie's thoughts and opinions - she doesn't honestly know me at all anymore either... so while I am not judging her or her choices - you shouldn't be judging mine.

  7. Sounds like you have handled yourself with maturity and grace, Kim, so let go of the rest. Some people will only ever see their side of the story and that is sad. At this point, all you can do is keep her in your prayers.

  8. you are very mature, kim. :) wonderfully handled.


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