Sunday, February 21, 2010

Pain and Understanding

I've spent the better part of the last 50+ hours trying to understand what has happened to us within the last 12 days or so. It's truly hard to comprehend. The extreme highs and then the lowest low that I've ever felt in my entire life. It's almost beyond being able to write about it.

It started about a week ago Tuesday, when we got a phone call that a birth mother had chosen us for her baby. We set up a meeting with her because she was going to be having the baby quickly, and we met her the very next day. The meeting went extremely well, in spite of some initial nervousness on all of our parts. The meeting lasted about an hour, and from there our lives spun off into a tailspin of getting ready for not only a baby... but a baby girl.

We learned at the meeting that by the following Monday we'd know the day that our baby would be born. So we set out to get our registries set up, get meals made for the freezer, attend the classes that we needed for the adoption agency, get everything at work ready to be without me for 8 weeks, and all the other things that one would do to get ready for your entire life to change.

Fast forward, and we found out that our birth mother would be induced on Friday morning and that she wanted us to be at the hospital. She also wanted to give me the second wrist band so that I would have access to the baby to begin bonding with her immediately. So we made our final preparations for all the expected excitement... including spending some time on our knees praying that everything would go well for the baby, the mother, and for us the next day.

Friday morning we headed to the hospital, and found a waiting room to take up our post... we got there at about 6:30 in the morning... and by 9:30-10... our world took another drastic turn in a direction we hadn't ever expected. The nurse with our adoption agency spoke with the mother a few times the night before, and because of some concern with the birth father's family... she had convinced her to be a "no information" patient. Which meant that no one could get any information on how things were going with the delivery. So we had to wait for the hospital's social worker to go check on her... and that's when we found out that the father talked the mother into keeping the baby.

They have no money, and three children under the age of 2 1/2 now... and I can't even comprehend what happened to us. One minute we were sitting in a room waiting for the most exciting thing to happen in our married lives... and the next - all of the air in the room was sucked out and I couldn't breathe. As I sat there crying and reeling from the news that we'd just gotten... John and our agency rep, Cindy, put their hands on me and both prayed separately.

The only thing I can think to compare this to is a miscarriage, only its not the same as that either. Somewhere out there, our baby girl - the one that we've dreamed about - is out there with someone else. All because she held the decision for our lives in her hands. I struggle to understand all of this  because there is such uncertainty - the mother could change her mind... and she was so incredibly sure of herself for the 10 days leading up to the birth.

I struggle to understand how within a matter of less than 8 hours - she completely changed everything in her life for this boy that hadn't been involved in her life for the months of the pregnancy. I struggle to understand how or why God could put us through yet another horribly painful series of events like this.

I don't know how to let go - or move on... I've prayed, I've begged, I've allowed others to try to keep me busy in attempts to keep my mind off of things... but nothing is working. The pain is still there and it still takes my breath away. I don't know if I'll ever understand it... I really don't.

In my heart this was my baby... the timing of her birthday fell right into the pattern of all the other grandchildren on my Dad's side of the family... the impending birth of this little girl bridged some relationships in our lives... and had the promise of giving us such a story to tell of God's glory. Right now, all I can feel is an incredible sense that I'm being punished for something... and I can't for the life of me figure out what that "something" is.

I'm even questioning now the ability to use the name that I have dreamed about for my daughter since I was 6 years old... because I gave it in my heart and in my mind to this baby... and I just don't know if I could turn around and use it for a different baby.

I'm not sure how to put my life back together... how to go back to work instead of being on my maternity leave... how to be in public again with all the babies, mothers, strollers, and pregnant women... how to get off of the couch... how to breathe anymore...

The one thing I learned is that I am a much more open person than your typical adoptive/infertile woman... I need to be able to share the highs and lows with all of you that are reading... and I tried to follow along with the guidelines set forth by our agency to not tell anyone when we get matched up... well, that isn't how I roll... and I found myself devastated by this... crushed, really... and it was the first that many of you had even heard about there being a match.

I don't know what the future holds for us in this process... but knowing how badly it hurts... I know that I can share it with you all - the good and the bad... and you'll be there. So I am grateful for that. Next time, we will undoubtedly do some things differently, including being more open... or at least that is my plan.

One thing I can say is that once again, our support system has been incredible... sometimes I know that there aren't words that can fix the pain, but just knowing that you're all out there and that you care is comforting.  If it weren't for John & Danielle taking care of me... I probably wouldn't have eaten or even gotten dressed in the last couple of days... they mean the world to me. The constant text messages of love and support - along with emails and Facebook have been incredible... I love you all dearly.

In the meantime, friends... I need some of you to help me keep this little blog running... I will post some when I can.... but I need some of you to write some posts for me to use when I just can't muster any words to share.


  1. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some words to help you. I'm praying for you.

  2. As a believer, of course I know praying is the best possible thing to do, but I can't remove the helplessness I feel as a human being. I wish so badly I could take on the pain and the hurt for you. You've been through so much already, so many highs and lows. Of course you know what you're "supposed" to do as a Godly woman, but I know this resonates very deeply in your soul. Just keep being faithful in believing God for your child and take one minute at a time. God is still at work, amid your pain and sorrow, and He is crafting the perfect blessing for you & John, even as I type this.

    Just know you are so deeply loved and cared for, thought of often and prayed for continuously.

  3. Oh I'm so sorry Kim. I know that no one can even come close to understanding your pain. I pray for peace and understanding for you and John both.

    Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit

  4. i totally understand, we just went through it. i am here if you want to talk to someone who knows exactly how it feels, and just know it gets better and better everyday.

  5. Kim,
    I am soooo sorry you have to go through this! Praying for you during this difficult time!

  6. I am so sorry Kim & my heart just aches for you right now. This makes me so angry inside, but I know that God says we should have a forgiving heart. Why is the world so cruel sometimes? I am praying for you during this time of healing & I know God has a baby out there for you. You are going to be a wonderful mommy to a baby that needs you & John. Love you...


  7. Even through your excruciating pain, I found your post beautifully written. I know you find some therapy in writing, so I hope you found a little weight lifted off your shoulders as you put words together.

    I am all too familiar with pain when it comes to children. It comes in many, many forms and it is the hardest thing we as women ever have to deal with. I would love to be a guest writer for your blog if you can sign me up this week. I am afraid next week would be too hectic.

    I will continue to keep you in my prayers. I know it feels like God is distant or not on your side, but He is the one who has picked you up over the last few days. He has worked through Danielle and John and He is working through the rest of us to continue to help you through this tough time.

    You are loved and things will get better.

  8. Oh Kim my heart is just aching right now for you...I just CANNOT BELIEVE this happened! I don't know why God allows things like this to happen, but there has to be some reason??? Terence and I are praying for ya'll, if there is ANYTHING we can do you just let us know....and if you need someone to do a post I can. Been thinking about you a lot the past couple days, you are on my mind and in my, Becky

  9. I am so sorry to read your post. My husband and I are waiting to be matched for a domestic adoption and this is one of my biggest fears. Also a very similiar thing happened to a friend of mine who is with the same agency as ours. They had the baby for a week and then the birth mother changed her mind and decided to parent. I don't have any words to ease the pain and the hurt you are feeling. I am sending positive vibes your way and just know you will be matched with the child who is meant to be yours. Take care.

  10. I'm so sorry, Kim. My heart aches for you. I can only imagine how devastating this is for you and John. I pray that God will hold you in His hand and give you comfort.

  11. Oh my heart hurts for you. I am sure the mother did not mean to hurt you BUT she did. I wonder you think she may end up changing her mind ..I mean it is one thing to be talked into keeping the baby..but it seemed she was 100% ready to not keep the baby.
    I am praying for you daily..
    I would love to blog for you someday..ask and I will do..

  12. Kim,

    I've had so many of the same thoughts going through my head the past year and a half. I know it feels like you can't even move right now, but I promise you'll make it over the mountain.

    Eventually, God will help you move this heartache to a place where you don't have to visit it so much...and you'll still have a story to tell about how good God is, how He is there even when you think He isn't, and how He always makes something beautiful out of ashes.

    You may never understand, but you will move out of the place you're in. I promise.

    Isaiah 61

  13. Kim I am so so sorry that you are having to deal with this. My heart breaks for you. You will make it through breath and one step at a time. Lifting you up in prayer today!

  14. Kim,
    I am not sure if you ever knew this, but Stanley and I had a situation similar to yours. When we were going through the process of trying to adopt through the foster care system, we received a call about a newborn baby boy. It happened just two days after we completed all of our training. We were told by our case worker that they had not completed our paperwork, but she felt it wouldn’t be an issue. We were told that the baby was being removed from his mother permanently so this would likely be a permanent placement. He was supposed to be released from the hospital on a Sunday, but they were able to convince the hospital to wait until Monday in order to get our paperwork uploaded. On Monday, we got another call telling us that CPS decided not to wait for our paperwork and placed the baby with another family. We were devastated. We had already gone shopping, had pulled out a lot of Jackson’s old baby clothes and were getting the baby’s room ready. I think I spent at least two days in bed crying. It was heartbreaking.
    Then, as I think you know, we had the two girls placed with us, but that was not meant to be either. Again, I was devastated. I had a hard time coming to terms with everything. People would tell me that it was God’s plan, but I didn’t want to hear it. Why would God do that to me again?
    Well, now I know. We had to go through a lot of pain and heartache, but now we have been blessed (and surprised) with a beautiful baby girl. If the adoption with the baby boy gone through, I doubt I’d have Sophie. If we hadn’t realized the placement with the girls was not a good placement, I doubt I’d have Sophie. If I hadn’t had two miscarriages, I doubt that I would have either of my children. Many times we don’t understand why God would put us through something, but there is always a plan.
    I know that someday, hopefully very soon, you will know God’s plan for you and why you had to go through this terrible ordeal.

  15. I'm so sorry this happened, Kim. And I don't know if telling you all the things you already know is going to be hurtful or helpful, so I will refrain now other than to say that you are not being punished. God doesn't work that way. This situation was part of a greater plan; maybe not for you and John, but maybe for this birth mother and you will probably never know how. I am convinced you are being used as as instrument to do His will right now, even as you struggle to understand. We walk by faith and not by sight. Don't lose sight of your faith.

  16. Wow! I am so out of the loop. I can't imagine anything more devestatingou must feel so dissapointed and betrayed. I am sending many prayers and hugs your way.


Thank you so much for your comments. I really enjoy getting feedback on my writing!