Sunday, February 21, 2010

Pain and Understanding

I've spent the better part of the last 50+ hours trying to understand what has happened to us within the last 12 days or so. It's truly hard to comprehend. The extreme highs and then the lowest low that I've ever felt in my entire life. It's almost beyond being able to write about it.

It started about a week ago Tuesday, when we got a phone call that a birth mother had chosen us for her baby. We set up a meeting with her because she was going to be having the baby quickly, and we met her the very next day. The meeting went extremely well, in spite of some initial nervousness on all of our parts. The meeting lasted about an hour, and from there our lives spun off into a tailspin of getting ready for not only a baby... but a baby girl.

We learned at the meeting that by the following Monday we'd know the day that our baby would be born. So we set out to get our registries set up, get meals made for the freezer, attend the classes that we needed for the adoption agency, get everything at work ready to be without me for 8 weeks, and all the other things that one would do to get ready for your entire life to change.

Fast forward, and we found out that our birth mother would be induced on Friday morning and that she wanted us to be at the hospital. She also wanted to give me the second wrist band so that I would have access to the baby to begin bonding with her immediately. So we made our final preparations for all the expected excitement... including spending some time on our knees praying that everything would go well for the baby, the mother, and for us the next day.

Friday morning we headed to the hospital, and found a waiting room to take up our post... we got there at about 6:30 in the morning... and by 9:30-10... our world took another drastic turn in a direction we hadn't ever expected. The nurse with our adoption agency spoke with the mother a few times the night before, and because of some concern with the birth father's family... she had convinced her to be a "no information" patient. Which meant that no one could get any information on how things were going with the delivery. So we had to wait for the hospital's social worker to go check on her... and that's when we found out that the father talked the mother into keeping the baby.

They have no money, and three children under the age of 2 1/2 now... and I can't even comprehend what happened to us. One minute we were sitting in a room waiting for the most exciting thing to happen in our married lives... and the next - all of the air in the room was sucked out and I couldn't breathe. As I sat there crying and reeling from the news that we'd just gotten... John and our agency rep, Cindy, put their hands on me and both prayed separately.

The only thing I can think to compare this to is a miscarriage, only its not the same as that either. Somewhere out there, our baby girl - the one that we've dreamed about - is out there with someone else. All because she held the decision for our lives in her hands. I struggle to understand all of this  because there is such uncertainty - the mother could change her mind... and she was so incredibly sure of herself for the 10 days leading up to the birth.

I struggle to understand how within a matter of less than 8 hours - she completely changed everything in her life for this boy that hadn't been involved in her life for the months of the pregnancy. I struggle to understand how or why God could put us through yet another horribly painful series of events like this.

I don't know how to let go - or move on... I've prayed, I've begged, I've allowed others to try to keep me busy in attempts to keep my mind off of things... but nothing is working. The pain is still there and it still takes my breath away. I don't know if I'll ever understand it... I really don't.

In my heart this was my baby... the timing of her birthday fell right into the pattern of all the other grandchildren on my Dad's side of the family... the impending birth of this little girl bridged some relationships in our lives... and had the promise of giving us such a story to tell of God's glory. Right now, all I can feel is an incredible sense that I'm being punished for something... and I can't for the life of me figure out what that "something" is.

I'm even questioning now the ability to use the name that I have dreamed about for my daughter since I was 6 years old... because I gave it in my heart and in my mind to this baby... and I just don't know if I could turn around and use it for a different baby.

I'm not sure how to put my life back together... how to go back to work instead of being on my maternity leave... how to be in public again with all the babies, mothers, strollers, and pregnant women... how to get off of the couch... how to breathe anymore...

The one thing I learned is that I am a much more open person than your typical adoptive/infertile woman... I need to be able to share the highs and lows with all of you that are reading... and I tried to follow along with the guidelines set forth by our agency to not tell anyone when we get matched up... well, that isn't how I roll... and I found myself devastated by this... crushed, really... and it was the first that many of you had even heard about there being a match.

I don't know what the future holds for us in this process... but knowing how badly it hurts... I know that I can share it with you all - the good and the bad... and you'll be there. So I am grateful for that. Next time, we will undoubtedly do some things differently, including being more open... or at least that is my plan.

One thing I can say is that once again, our support system has been incredible... sometimes I know that there aren't words that can fix the pain, but just knowing that you're all out there and that you care is comforting.  If it weren't for John & Danielle taking care of me... I probably wouldn't have eaten or even gotten dressed in the last couple of days... they mean the world to me. The constant text messages of love and support - along with emails and Facebook have been incredible... I love you all dearly.

In the meantime, friends... I need some of you to help me keep this little blog running... I will post some when I can.... but I need some of you to write some posts for me to use when I just can't muster any words to share.