Monday, February 22, 2010

Breaking Out

I can't begin to explain how or why this is happening... but the very thought of getting off my couch right now is un-nerving... to the point of that being one of the biggest moments that the tears start flowing. I can't even put clear thoughts together as to what that is about, but I just know that it happens.

Friday, John wanted to keep me busy so that I wouldn't think about things... so we went out initially to go to lunch and then a movie, but about halfway to lunch - it became apparent that I just wasn't going to be able to hold it together in a restaurant... so we went to the mall instead for a few minutes, and then saw The Tooth Fairy at one of those theater/restaurant places. I had a hard time paying attention to the movie, but I don't think I had any crying fits through it either - so I guess it was a mission accomplished.

On Saturday, it was Danielle's job to keep me busy - so she was going to pick me up at 8:30 in the morning... at that point in time, I couldn't even breathe at the thought of leaving the house... literally - I would almost hyperventilate. So I sent her a text message that I couldn't do it. So she let me stay in my pajamas until time for a 2:40 showing of When in Rome followed by a trip to World Market and dinner at "our place." (aka PF Chang's)

I hadn't left the house again since I got home on Saturday at 8:30ish, and today when John suggested we make a quick trip to Home Depot and Bed, Bath & Beyond... it was more than I could handle. It took me about an hour and a half to work up to it... but we made it. I cried before we left, while we were driving, and on the way home... then again when we got home... but we made it. We got a few goodies for the garden, and for us too.

I decided then that I needed another day before going back to work - this is a very high stress week at my office with a big fundraiser on Thursday. So the idea of going back and jumping into something like that puts me on edge, but I've asked that they not expect me to work late on Wednesday night - which really was more of a request from John... because he doesn't want me to be driving right now. He is afraid that if I got really upset in the car - that I could have an accident. I also asked that they find me something lower profile and lower stress to do at the event on Thursday.

Last year, I was the girl that the angry and upset people would go to when they weren't on the original guest list and it would be my job to try to find them a seat in the ballroom. My personality on a normal day doesn't lend well to that kind of stress, but right now - I could just see it as a moment that could push me over the edge and cause a meltdown... which is not what anyone would want in that environment.

I am terrified of going back to work, but I guess that I've got to get back out there sometime. I really just want to hide until I can get to a place where I understand in my heart what happened, but I can't afford that... so I'll try to get back on the horse in one more day.

I have been humbled and amazed at how wonderful everyone has been the last few days. Your comments, the comments on Facebook, chatting with a couple of you online (Jenn & Summer) and even the emails have been wonderful. I've gotten a couple of messages about people wishing they could hop on a plane and just come sit with me while I cry it out... which is exactly the response I would have if anyone I cared about were going through something like this. While, I don't like the idea of my friends hurting because of our situation... knowing that you are out there and that you care means a great deal to both John and I. 

I got a couple of responses to my request for guest posts that said I should continue to post what is happening with me even during this time - because it is therapeutic for me, my words are beautiful, and people want to know how I'm doing... so I will continue to post as often as I feel up to it. Any of you that offered to write a post - I'd love to get them still... just to have a little variety in the wake of this storm. 


  1. Big hugs my precious friend. Each day will get a little easier. I didn't leave the house for a week after we lost our baby. But over the past week, I have gotten back to a semi-normal routine.

    If you need some Starbucks therapy, I can bring you c up this week one evening. Just let me know.

    Thinking of you and praying for you.

  2. When Vicente left, and when Zoe never came, people didnt understand why I was so upset. After all, Vicente was only with us for two weeks, and Zoe was never in our arms, we never even saw her, so how could i be this upset? It's precisely this response that proves the kind of love that makes you a perfect adoptive mother. It's so hard to prepare and get ready for an unknown and something that is not promised, it is a COMPLETE act of faith. And so to have this let down, it is a huge loss to grieve. Just remember that this is not a mistake, God has a HUGE plan in place and even the times that are painful for us are designed specifically to (1) bring Him glory and (2) draw us closer to Him in our pain. I know it's not easy now believe me, but every day it will get easier! When Zoe didnt come to us you were so strong for me and gave me such words of comfort! It will all be ok, I promise, and you will be amazed at what God has planned for you! I am living proof!


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