You guys - I am just to wiped to think of any sort of witty title for this post - I'm not claiming that all of my titles are witty either, but normally I try to think of something. Tonight though, I'm both sad and tired.
My department from work had our holiday celebration tonight, and what was originally supposed to be a dinner - really ended up being more like happy hour, but it was still nice. We went to an upper end restaurant, and while I really wanted to eat something - I was satisfied with 1 bacon wrapped shrimp, 1 crab cake, some water, and a bite or two of creme brulee.
When I got home tonight though, I was faced with a sad reminder of the current state of things with some members of my family. I'm not going to get into the details, but lets just say that there was a clear message about the way that some people on that side feel. So, while I've bent over backwards to not change things anymore than they already will be - I am alone in that effort. I sort of expected it to be that way, but was still hopeful that I'd be wrong.
It makes me so sad because at some point - you'd hope that people would meet you halfway in the healing process... but it's alright because either way - I'll be alright. I've got Jesus with me to help me through the rough times, good friends, and of course John is there every step of the way. I hope that somewhere in there things will work out and get better... and I'm praying for that, well that and for the other side of this ordeal to put Jesus in the proper place in their own lives too. Without him - I don't know how we'll be able to fix all of this.
The only thing I know is that my feelings are real, and while they don't have to agree with them - they should respect them. I am not just inventing things to hurt them - like it is perceived. I really was wronged in some situations, and yes, in some I handled things in the wrong way. For a lot of those years - I didn't know how to handle them in the right way - so I did the only thing I knew how to do - I ate them. I'm not doing that anymore, and somewhere along the way - I've got to figure out what to do with those leftover emotions... before I drown them in a bag of peanut M&M's.
At 30 years old - its finally time that I stand up for what I believe in, and mainly myself... and put boundaries on what I'm willing to take. I know that it won't be easy and some people won't be on board with the "new" me, but it's time... and it's something that everyone else around me has done for YEARS! It's my time now... no more hiding my feelings so that everyone else around me is happy. I've tried walking that tight-rope for most of my life, and it doesn't work. I physically can't do it - no matter how hard I try... so I'm not going to do it anymore.
I'm going to do my best, and when I can't do anymore - that's okay. It has to be...
I'm sorry for this rant my friends, but tonight - the pain of the adjustment became really acute... and I can't process through it any other way than writing it for all of you to have to read. I promise - I'll find something fun to write about tomorrow - when I start my VACATION!