Monday, April 20, 2009

Always Loving Me

Before we jump off into what I want to say - I'm going to tell you that this is an interactive message, and you must listen to the lyrics of the songs... and by that I mean really - sit down, close your eyes and listen to the words...


That being said - take a minute to listen to this song that, for lack of a better mental image for you - hit me over the head like a ton of bricks yesterday while I was going to get my pre-church Starbucks.


Avalon - Always Ha...

The first words of the song really struck me... because in so many ways - those words put into perspective how I've been feeling this past week. Here - for those that aren't auditory... I'll put the words right here for you to read.

Part of me is the prodigal
Part of me is the other brother
But I think the heart of me
Is really somewhere between them
Some days I'm running wild
Some days we're reconciled
But I wonder all the while
Why you put up with me, when...

I wrestle most days
To find ways to do as I please
Wow, yep... that's me... I've been the "other brother" this week... feeling so cheated, hurt, and angry over the way that this baby thing is going. In some ways, it can be likened to the reaction of a two year old... the "I want it and I want it NOW" routine. It is a hard pill to swallow when you find out that your doctor made a bone-headed move in your opinion, and it cost you a full month's worth of treatment expenses.
Ultimately though, it's in God's plan - and I know that - intellectually, I've always known that... emotionally, not so much.
Why has it felt all week like I've been hanging on by a VERY thin thread? Because I've been fighting with my two sides... I've been trying so desperately to take control over this whole mess and somehow fit that into my faith. It doesn't work that way though - and I'm learning that. Just remember that we are all flawed and some days we struggle more than others.
Throughout the weekend though - a theme kept coming up - over and over... the one thing that I kept thinking about was the fact that it is so incredibly painful for me to be working in the nursery (2 year old class) at church every Sunday. That brings up emotional issues that really - NO Christian woman would be proud to admit. Feelings of jealousy, failure, and just general agony were involved the entire time. Now, that being said - the time with the kids has always been fun... I dearly love the kids... but the picking up and dropping off is hard. It's hard to see people bringing their children and picking them up knowing that you don't have anyone to pick up or drop off. It might be irrational to some of you, but it is a real thing.


I sort of talked over this issue with John, Renee's husband (K - who is on our church staff), and Renee... and then emailed our Pastor, Kevin, to let him know my thoughts and ask for his guidance and help. I don't want to quit, but I feel like I have to do it for a time right now. I don't feel like me torturing myself each week is the way for me to grow closer to God during a time when I desperately need him. (If I could think of a more desperate word than desperate - I'd use it here!)

So, I've asked Kevin to help me fill some other critical need on Sunday mornings outside of the nursery - but until that time I'll stay where I am... because I don't want to leave them in a bind, and I want to serve our church. I need to be doing something to help my church family - but at the same time it needs to be healthy for me... so I'll give updates on that as I get there.

Ironically, this song was the next one on the iPod yesterday morning - and I fell in love with it too. Stop and listen to this one as well... click play... close your eyes... and let the words take you where ever you need to go.

I Need You To Love...

Once again for those of you who are not auditory learners - here are the first few words of the song.


Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.
But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
I can't tell you the untold number of times that I've felt like that over the last week - I mean honestly - why would God stand by someone so weak that their faith and emotions falter so easily over one failed month of fertility treatments?
I guess in reality - it's the same thing as asking your parent that question after you've done something really bone-headed, like sneaking out of the house... no, I never did that!

More than that though - I really DO need God to love me right now, and help me through this... it is the hardest thing I've ever done - and easily the most painful. Never during my weight loss surgery process or struggle did I ever truly need his grace and love as much as I do with this one...

I guess that is the fundamental difference between the journey to having my body be ready for such an undertaking and moving into the portion of the journey when it is time to start focusing on that. It also has a lot to do with the crazy doctors at the beginning of the weight loss surgery journey telling me how EASY it would be to lose weight and fix everything.

I'm here to tell you, weight loss surgery has certainly put my body in a FAR better place than it was before, BUT it is not a cure-all. The only miracles out there are the ones that God provides. And right now, I need him to love me... love me enough to hold my hand until he can provide me with the miracle of motherhood.
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