I'd have to say that one of the hardest things about struggling to have a child is that at times in a world that is extremely baby crazy... you feel REALLY alone. If you live in one of the most fertile areas of your city... it can get infinitely worse.
I'm not kidding when I tell you that everywhere I go - there are bazillions of kids and pregnant women... and it makes the sting of the wait a little harder at times.
This weekend though, it seems as if God was sending me a message... LOUD and CLEAR. He crossed me with two women that have been through similar struggles and come out on the end with the result that I so desperately pray for.
One lady, goes to our church and while I've seen her around - I've never gotten to know her personally. Through the magic of email, she found my blog and learned of our story. Yesterday, she sweetly stopped me after the service and gave me some wonderful words of encouragement. (Thanks Lisa M!) She reminded me that she doesn't know of any women that have wanted children - that don't have them now. That doesn't mean that they've all had children naturally, but in some way... their dream of a baby has been realized. That is encouraging... even if I would really rather have my baby sooner rather than later.
The other, is a former coworker... from the crazy job from hell...who out of the blue emailed me on Friday. Anyway, she was one of the few bright spots around that place, and since I left there - has apparently left as well, and gone through a battle with infertility. She has recently gotten pregnant and is due on November 12th! (Hi Amy C!) The hysterically funny part of this discovery is that her fertility specialist - is the very doctor that I had such a horrible experience with several years ago. What a small world!
These women breathed life into me this weekend, and interestingly enough - I am reconsidering my decision to leave the Children's Ministry at our church. I'm not saying that I won't do it, BUT for right now... I'm going to be still and try to listen to what God is telling me. I don't want to run away from the problem because hiding certainly isn't the way to solve my problem. So it might be that some weeks, I ask them to find a sub for me - because the pain of being in that classroom might overwhelm me... other weeks, I'll be just fine.
Honestly, I would miss the kids terribly if I completely walked away. I've grown to love those two year olds, and two of the boys - I've watched really mature and get comfortable with the other teacher and I.
One boy in particular, Joshua - is so stinking cute... his Mom teaches the older preschool class that we combine with to watch our puppet show and do worship. Literally one week, he was an emotional wreck when we left the puppet show to go back to our class... it took us the rest of the time to console him... but the very next week he looked at his Mom and said "Bye Mommy...see you later" and just walked right back to our room. Such a sweetie!
Another boy, Jacob - also is adorable... with the cutest little curls. He used to completely MELT down when his Mom left him with us... to the point that it would take either his Mom or one of our wonderful male volunteers to console him. (Amazingly he loved men, and would be alright as long as one of them was around.) Over the last month or so - I've watched him really transform into being alright when he realizes his Mom isn't there anymore... and he hasn't cried a bit. He does GREAT!
Of course, it's hard for me to get around Renee's daughter "L" who gets a little ticked when I have to pay attention to the other kids... she claims me as her own... and of course you guys know how much I love that kid! She has pretty much adopted John and I... and we eat it up. She IS one of my all time favorite kids EVER!
We have a couple of other kids in our class too - and believe me, I love them all... they are so much fun.
So there you go...that's where I am with all of this today - feeling alright...and hanging in there waiting for the next stage of the process.