The words have escaped me for the most part today... it's been a tough day at the office... and of course personally - I'm still dealing with some residual anger over our situation. I'm telling you, when it rains - it pours around my world. It seems that the days that my professional world falls apart come shortly on the heels of a day that has been personally bad for me. So with that said... I'm basically going to share my prayer for today with you.
This is an extremely personal prayer, but since I have been told several times that my raw form of writing exactly what is going on from my heart... is inspirational, encouraging, or endearing... I feel like I need to share with you all why I have been extremely quiet the last couple of days. Or if quiet is the wrong word - at least disconnected from writing what is truly going on within me.
It is really hard for me to even speak to you at the moment. I know that through you all things are possible - I know that in my heart and in my brain... but right now - I can't seem to feel it. I want to live in the peace that you can provide, but I am struggling so badly with my human side at the moment. My human side is throwing a temper tantrum because I want what I want, and I want it now. The waiting is very hard, and the constant disappointment is even harder.
It feels so often like we've made progress with our fertility treatment plan, only to be blindsided and thrown back to the starting gate. It feels so unfair, and it makes me have thoughts that go against everything I believe. Thoughts about the lack of answered prayers... thoughts about if it's even possible that you might NOT grant the desire of my heart. God, I so desperately want to be a mother - and I don't know how to live in a world that is so baby centered while not having one myself.
I need you to bring me peace right now more than ever. Not only with the baby situation, but also with my work situation. Some days are so hard that it feels like I am in the wrong place, struggling uphill in a battle that I can't possibly win. A battle that I actually don't want to win. I am not of the mindset of the majority of the people at my office, and I don't want to be - You, John, our future children, our families, and our friends are the center of my life... and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am not a career oriented woman, you know that. I see it as a means to getting down to the things that I really love and want to invest my energy into... but that is so far from what everyone else there believes - that I am at constant odds with a perfectionism that is just irrational. I do the best I can with what I have, but I am not a mind reader. Please give my coworkers and boss the wisdom to know that, and the presence of mind to share with me the specifics of how they want things done before we waste time doing things incorrectly... or ramp up so much stress that there needs to be a blow up.
Ultimately, God; I need you right now in every situation. I am feeling very left out right now and very lost... and far from you. I desire nothing more than to live in your peace, but I need you to show me how to lay this at your feet and really know in my heart AND mind that you have it all under control. I'm terrified right now, and have been wondering if John and I will ever be given the ultimate gift of children. You know that we would take any child you would provide - so please show us the way to the children that you have chosen for us.
One thing that I do want to tell you is that the one bright light right now is the Love Dare challenge that our small group is going through. Your guidance and direction for the Kendrick brothers to have written such a powerful book for marriage is nothing short of a miracle. I'm not exactly comfortable with the dare for tomorrow, so give me some courage to go through that exercise and learn what I need to learn from it. I am such a sensitive woman sometimes - it is hard to ask someone to show me my faults and accept that criticism without trying to justify myself. Help me to rest in what John will share, and know that he only has my best interests at heart.
Lastly God, please know that while I am having this temper tantrum right now - I know that you are out there working in the lives of others that need you more than I do right now. Please hold all of my friends close to your heart in their various struggles... whether they are traveling, recovering from surgery, trying to conceive a baby of their own, pregnant with a baby, starting a new job, struggling with the loss of a loved one, struggling with the illness of a loved one, or going through a potential divorce - hold them in your hands, Lord... and give them the peace that I so desire as well.
In your name, I pray.