Monday, September 28, 2009

Why

I can safely tell you that this last three days has been probably some of the hardest that I've ever experienced. We've faced the ups and downs of infertility and the cancelling of cycles before - BUT - this time is different.

This time is very different. This time has brought tears every single day... a big wave of tears throughout our church Worship Service and prayers... tears at every turn.

This time the only thing that consoles me is reading the Bible... which in the last three days - I can safely say that I've put in about 5 hours or more of time in doing just that. Maybe it was part of his design for me to be a few days behind on my New Testament Challenge when this was dropped into my reality.

This time, I am mad at the situation, but I'm trying my best to hold my heart near to God and not become angry with him. It is hard... and a lot of worldly things are taking the brunt of my anger instead of him... but I have to work through my grief in some form. So if it means that I spend a few more days doing less of the things that I normally would because I'm sad and angry... then so be it.

Part of our message yesterday at church talked about using the circumstances of our life to use our faith.

A wise friend of mine spoke to me this morning about not using my prayers to specifically ask God for what I've worked out on my own... meaning that I pray for him to work through the avenues that I've chosen. Pray more broadly to find his will and follow his lead.

In my reading at lunchtime, I read that even though Christ has brought us through trial and temptations in the past - it is often hard for us to believe that he'll be able to do it again in the future.

This is all true, and has impacted me greatly.

Parts of that message got me through Brooklyn's birthday party yesterday - where literally out of the 20 or so guests - 2 were visibly pregnant and one had a brand new baby. One of the pregnant ladies was complaining about having her third boy... and all I could do was to physically stay in my seat instead of going over to give her a piece of my mind.

I mean really? You're lucky you have children at all, lady. How about be grateful that you don't have bigger problems...

I have absolutely changed the way that I've been praying about our situation, because to a certain extent - I was boxing God in and praying specifically for our fertility treatments to work, and maybe that isn't part of his plan for us... I don't know. I don't know if you ever truly can know... but I do believe that he has a plan.

I can only listen and try to hear his guidance. If his plan is to bless our family through adoption instead of naturally having our own children, will I be okay with that? Absolutely... but at the same time... yes, I will have to mourn the fact that I can't do it on my own... and that my body isn't able to do something that so many take for granted.

Sometimes, God's plan is very hard for us to reconcile in our own brains... in our human world. Like for instance, on Friday... literally less than an hour after we got the news that our cycle was going to need to be cancelled... we were driving home and saw a man literally pick his child up by the arm (like a monkey) and carry it back into their apartment. It's hard to see things like that.... it's hard to see others driving around without putting their children in car seats... or any of the other things that we all see on a regular basis, and understand why you are the one that has to sit on the sidelines. Why you are the one on the bench waiting to be called into the parenting game.

Right now, all I really want is to be inside my house in the comfort of my own little bubble... and not have to deal with the outside world. Not have to be out where literally at every turn someone is either pregnant or has a tiny baby with them... Not have to deal with the harshness and cruelty of being reminded that you're still waiting for your miracle... Not have to try to function at work while holding back tears... Not have to go on with life when it changed so drastically from having so much hope to having very little in the blink of an eye - with the breath of one word.

I don't know that there is much hope of us going forward with fertility treatments, because every instinct that I have tells me what no matter what it is that he might be able to do with me medically - it will be expensive. It will be expensive in terms not only of our finances, but also our emotions... because right now - the difference between fertility treatments and adoption is that with adoption - you are paying for something concrete. With fertility treatments - you're paying for a maybe.

Both have advantages and disadvantages... and of course there are things like donor eggs and embryo adoption... but with both of those again - you're paying for a big maybe.

Could we be lucky and start the process of adoption or go completely through with an adoption - and miraculously have our own child... absolutely. I know that it can happen, and has... my in laws had that experience... one of my cousins has had that experience...

Right now though, I'm taking the next week - until we meet with the doctor - to research all the options... to pray broadly for God to clearly direct our path as to what to do next... and to spend as much time with Jesus as possible... trying to find some sort of peace within the storm.
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