I'm a bit sad today - because circumstances are preventing us from having our preadoption counseling meeting tomorrow with the agency. The lady that our meeting was to be held with has a family emergency and needs to move the meeting. I feel horrible for her and what she's going through - I really do, and I pray that it gets resolved quickly.
I can't help but feel the sting of disappointment at the same time though. Those of you waiting for a miracle know that delays and setbacks are the worst when you're caught up in this crazy nightmare of a game. Interestingly enough - while I'm incredibly sad about having to reschedule... the hurt of this isn't anything like the hurt that I felt everytime my cycles got cancelled or moved.
We just are so anxious and excited to bring a baby home that anything that takes away from doing that as quickly as possible hurts.
Since I am coordinating the scrapbooks for the ministry that I told you about earlier in the week - I also know that the agency has about 13 babies set to be born between now and the end of January... could it be that one of those is our baby? I don't know, but I am certainly praying for each of those women who are about to give birth.
They are not only about to change someone's life and family forever - but they are giving the ultimate gift - the ultimate sacrifice for the better of their child. Is there a more selfless act of love? I don't think so.
I know that if one of these babies is to be ours - that God will make it happen. I know that deep in my heart and in my brain... but right now it is being cast in the shadow of emotional doubt. It was hard to imagine that it could happen that quickly when our meeting was set for tomorrow - now losing a few more days makes me wonder even more.
I can't help but think that the Devil is making a play at me right now - because we are doing everything we can to stay in line with God's will... and that puts us under attack... but seriously, isn't it time for us to catch a break? Just a tiny step forward?
I need some prayers, friends... because this is hard. I've been doing so well - just keeping myself busy, but when the big things change - I get scared.
In the meantime - I am reading the books that are required for the adoption, and working hard to finish reading the New Testament. Our New Testament Challenge graduation ceremony at church is on Sunday... and I filmed a special video last weekend to be shown at this service. My hope is that I'll have that by Sunday to be able to post and share with you all... you've watching the majority of the change in me during this time of my life - and I think it's only fair for you to see me putting it into words for my church... and for all of you.
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