Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Before the Morning

I shared how emotional I was yesterday, and the days since Tyler was born... yesterday was one of the worst though. So bad that John literally almost didn't let me stay home with James alone last night - of course I'd never intentionally hurt him... and John knows that, but just mostly because he doesn't need to see that or feed off of that emotion.

Honestly though, James is one of the biggest lights in my life no matter what else is going on - one of those little James smiles is all it takes to put it all back into perspective... at least when things seem unbalanced for a while.

This morning, John brought a song to my attention that is really appropriate for right now... not just for me, but for a very dear friend of mine too. (Jenn - this is for you!) If you guys wouldn't mind keeping not only my family in our prayers, but also my friend Jenn - she's having some scary times in her life on several different levels - and some extra prayers for her peace and comfort certainly couldn't hurt.

Please take a minute to listen to this song... and then read over the lyrics.



Here are the lyrics:

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

Come on you've gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
Before the morning

I just find the words so beautiful... and there is some comfort in them - even if I'm a little mad at God for this situation, he won't let me down... and I'll draw close to him for the strength to get through it. Right now, I'm just on autopilot for a little bit - which probably isn't physically or emotionally serving me very well... but it's all I can do in order to take care of my sons and beloved husband the best way I know how right now... which is probably lacking in what it should be - but I'm trying to be the best I can for them. I'll fall out somewhere at the bottom of my list - as usual, and heal along the way.
It's funny to me that even though I was pretty much right where I am now 6 months ago... I still find it a little shocking how much time goes into taking care of a newborn - when they sleep about 18 hours of the day... it seems like you're almost always up to your eyeballs in breast pumping, baby feeding, diaper changing, or washing something that you need for one of those three things... it's crazy, right? A good crazy... but mind boggling just the same.
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