Sunday, October 3, 2010

Fear & Irationality

Well, it's happening... those of you that were with me back in 2007 shortly before my weight loss surgery might remember this happening to me then as well. Today, FEAR and IRRATIONALITY are completely taking over my mind in terms of this delivery.

Neither option seems like a good one in my head... pros and cons of both, really. Either way, I can tell you that right now - I'm a basket case of nerves! I pray for a few more days to get my mind settled around this, and well... every extra day means that I'll be able to be off work through Thanksgiving at least. (I know - I focus on the highly important things)

This is exactly the reason that I opted, for my own sanity, to not take any form of birthing class... because I distinctly remember reading a book all about weight loss surgery in the week or two before going through it and it freaked me out beyond belief! John was going to take an online version through - but I don't even know if he did it... we made a pact that he wouldn't talk to me about it. I just know that I can't handle it.

He made one innocent comment a few weeks ago about the epidural needle and I was a mess for days... I'm just typically better at dealing with things as they come instead of letting my mind get overwhelmed with the possibilities and anxiety of every step. Especially if, as my body tends to do... things don't happen as they typically are supposed to.

One thing is for sure - today - I am praying with wild abandon that this baby would magically appear in the hospital room without having to go through either option. Is it likely that God will grant that prayer, No... but in my happy place... it would be heaven!

Things that I'm specifically freaking out about are:
  1. Listening to the doctors & nurses cut me open and pull Tyler out... I don't want to hear their discussion or anything about it... I'm going to need to be seriously intoxicated for that! I know that I probably could opt to be put completely under - but I don't want to steal the birth experience from John like that... 
  2. The pain... either way!
  3. Having James completely out of his element... he's going to have to stay with my in-laws or my Mom depending on what happens, and either way is completely foreign to him... so in that sense a natural delivery would be good so that he can get back into his routine a little more quickly.
  4. Did I mention the epidural needle?
  5. Having a delivery like my own birth story - where both my mother and I were almost lost in the process because I was stuck in the birth canal.
  6. The unknown time frame of a natural birth... I sort of liked the idea of a c-section and knowing that Tyler would come quickly.
  7. Induction - I've now heard that inductions are more painful and well... refer to #'s 2 & 4!
  8. The uncontrollable and disgusting things that can and will happen in a natural delivery - how do husbands recover from that? Are you ever truly attractive to them again after seeing all of that?!
  9. Ummmm... the pain & epidural needles
  10. This one isn't as related to the actual delivery... but breastfeeding freaks me out too - I'm uber modest... I mean you've probably never met anyone less likely to show some skin than I am... and the idea of having to kick people out of the room to feed Tyler makes me uncomfortable... especially since they will ALL know exactly what I'm doing. 
There are probably several other items on the list floating through my head... but these were the ones that I could think of first. Oh, heavens...

Dear Jesus, 

Please give us a couple of more days so that I can calm down just a bit - I was barely settling into the idea that Tyler would come at the end of next week and was then blindsided by the doctor scheduling me for tomorrow. I know that you're in control of all that happens, and it will all be for your glory. Please give me the peace of mind to be comfortable in whatever situation I am ultimately in for this delivery - and keep your hands on the doctors and medical staff to make sure that everyone is well taken care of and safely delivered through this process. In your holy name, I pray. Amen.