Sunday, October 3, 2010

Fear & Irationality

Well, it's happening... those of you that were with me back in 2007 shortly before my weight loss surgery might remember this happening to me then as well. Today, FEAR and IRRATIONALITY are completely taking over my mind in terms of this delivery.

Neither option seems like a good one in my head... pros and cons of both, really. Either way, I can tell you that right now - I'm a basket case of nerves! I pray for a few more days to get my mind settled around this, and well... every extra day means that I'll be able to be off work through Thanksgiving at least. (I know - I focus on the highly important things)

This is exactly the reason that I opted, for my own sanity, to not take any form of birthing class... because I distinctly remember reading a book all about weight loss surgery in the week or two before going through it and it freaked me out beyond belief! John was going to take an online version through - but I don't even know if he did it... we made a pact that he wouldn't talk to me about it. I just know that I can't handle it.

He made one innocent comment a few weeks ago about the epidural needle and I was a mess for days... I'm just typically better at dealing with things as they come instead of letting my mind get overwhelmed with the possibilities and anxiety of every step. Especially if, as my body tends to do... things don't happen as they typically are supposed to.

One thing is for sure - today - I am praying with wild abandon that this baby would magically appear in the hospital room without having to go through either option. Is it likely that God will grant that prayer, No... but in my happy place... it would be heaven!

Things that I'm specifically freaking out about are:
  1. Listening to the doctors & nurses cut me open and pull Tyler out... I don't want to hear their discussion or anything about it... I'm going to need to be seriously intoxicated for that! I know that I probably could opt to be put completely under - but I don't want to steal the birth experience from John like that... 
  2. The pain... either way!
  3. Having James completely out of his element... he's going to have to stay with my in-laws or my Mom depending on what happens, and either way is completely foreign to him... so in that sense a natural delivery would be good so that he can get back into his routine a little more quickly.
  4. Did I mention the epidural needle?
  5. Having a delivery like my own birth story - where both my mother and I were almost lost in the process because I was stuck in the birth canal.
  6. The unknown time frame of a natural birth... I sort of liked the idea of a c-section and knowing that Tyler would come quickly.
  7. Induction - I've now heard that inductions are more painful and well... refer to #'s 2 & 4!
  8. The uncontrollable and disgusting things that can and will happen in a natural delivery - how do husbands recover from that? Are you ever truly attractive to them again after seeing all of that?!
  9. Ummmm... the pain & epidural needles
  10. This one isn't as related to the actual delivery... but breastfeeding freaks me out too - I'm uber modest... I mean you've probably never met anyone less likely to show some skin than I am... and the idea of having to kick people out of the room to feed Tyler makes me uncomfortable... especially since they will ALL know exactly what I'm doing. 
There are probably several other items on the list floating through my head... but these were the ones that I could think of first. Oh, heavens...

Dear Jesus, 

Please give us a couple of more days so that I can calm down just a bit - I was barely settling into the idea that Tyler would come at the end of next week and was then blindsided by the doctor scheduling me for tomorrow. I know that you're in control of all that happens, and it will all be for your glory. Please give me the peace of mind to be comfortable in whatever situation I am ultimately in for this delivery - and keep your hands on the doctors and medical staff to make sure that everyone is well taken care of and safely delivered through this process. In your holy name, I pray. Amen.


  1. Holy cow Kim!!!! I could have been the author of this. After having 3 kids all I can say is God truly is in control. I have been induced and had 3 c-sections. I was scared to death of the induction but it wasn't bad at all. The c-section is definitely weird but not painful. None of the doctors talked about it at all (at least not that I heard. The nice thing about a c-section is they get the baby out in about 5-10 minutes and then you are so distracted that you could care less what happens after that which is nothing. Don't read or watch anything because you will freak out and it doesn't help anyway (in my opinion). And a little piece of soon as the baby is out they can give you drugs to calm your nerves and yes I took them up on that all three times!!! I will be praying for you and your family!!!!

  2. Try to relax, friend. Everyone loves to tell a scary birthing story to pregnant women for some reason, but truth be told, it's not so bad. So sureal that it doesn't seem to actually be happening. I have 2 and while the first took forever, the pain wasn't NEARLY what I thought it would be and the 2nd I truly didn't feel any pain at all. In fact, I was in labor for hours without feeling ANYTHING and considered not getting the epidural at all. I went ahead and did it anyway and never felt a THING!!!! And as far as husbands, too much is going on for them to focus on the gross. I was weirded out by it, too. But that's so far from the focus of the moment it isn't an issue. Good luck!

  3. Girl,it's so easy to think of all the stuff that freaks you out and then to focus on it. But as is the case most, if not all, of the time, it NEVER turns out to be nearly as bad as you had yourself worked up about. NEVER.

    You've already been through so much already and have endured it like a champion. This is the goal of the past 8 months and it promises HUGE rewards! Just set your mind on the MIRACLE of it all, relax knowing that God is in control, as Amy said, and keep praying for peace and for God to work out all the details, from you to James and everyone in between.

    I love you and will be praying. :)

  4. You are an awesome writer . . . you really captured what a woman feels likes when preparing to give birth for the first time. It is very, very scary but such a wonderful experience. I look forward to reading about Tyler's birth. It will be one of the two most special days of your life . . . right there with James's birthday. I was really happy Eric was with me during both deliveries. I guess Eric and I have been through a lot together with his health issues and I would not change him witnessing the birth for anything. I am so excited for you. I believe you are in good hands, God will be with you, and you will be holding Tyler very soon. Good luck. Congratulations.

  5. If it makes you feel any better, I did take a birth class with Jackson and my instructor was horrible. She had me terrified of the epidural needle, but guess isn't bad. I hate needles, but after two I can say they are well worth it.
    There are pros and cons to each type of birth. Jackson took over 2 hours of pushing and probably should have been a c-section. When you have over 45 stiches "down there" you wonder what the heck a c-section would have felt like.
    I had one day, about day 3, after my c-section with Sophie that I questioned why I went that route, not that I had a choice. It hurt like heck that day, but each day after it got better. The hardest part for me was the sitting or standing up, but it too got better.
    I can tell you that unless the doctor doesn't know what he is doing, the epidural is the easiest part of the whole thing. And you will forget it all afterwards.
    What Stanley and I with Sophie was had him spend the first night, then my mom and then Stanley. You don't get any sleep so it is nice to have one adult who is awake enough to help. Plus that way we weren't both exhausted. Just something to consider.

  6. Oh, Honey! If I may... First of all, you will be FINE. Like someone else said, it all really happens so fast, and is so surreal, that it's over with and you'll be left shaking your head wondering where your birth experience actually went! I was induced, I'm happy to say, induction was NOT bad. I was also then taken in for an emergency c-section, and though there was no warning and no instruction given, that process wasn't bad in and of was my hormones & nerves that were the problem! Yeah, either way you'll feel discomfort, but it WILL pass quickly, and you WILL be so amazed at how wonderfully masterful God was at creating your body to give birth! ...He didn't bring you this far to abandon you & Tyler now! (As you know!) By the way, the epidural is not -- I repeat, *NOT* -- the hellish procedure you've heard about! Truly, when you get it you'll wish you could walk through life with it strapped on your back! :-) You'll do great...and in the end, YOUR BABY will be in YOUR ARMS!!!!!! What a reward!! I'll be thinking & praying for you!!

  7. Love you Kim! Deep breaths! You're almost done with this whole shebang--now you just have to march right through it and it'll be over before you know it! :)

    I have ALL those same fears. Truth is, we're not going to know what will happen until it happens and we'll just have to take it step by step.

    I do know this: if women have been doing this since the dawn of time in fields and caves withOUT pain meds, we can make it! You can do hard things. And I can't wait to hear how it went!

    Praying for you TONS this week!


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