Thursday, January 31, 2013

Jumbled Up Emotions

I don't know if I'm normal or not, but I feel like I'm living in the part of the movie Something's Gotta Give after Harry has the heart attack when his emotions are completely out of control. This is so me! I'm grateful that I was able to come home to my boys without there being some serious change to our routine. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that this happened to me at 34. I'm furious that I'm stuck in a body that on the inside is 30ish years older than it really is. I'm terrified that it'll all happen again at some point in the future.

My emotions since being in the hospital are really all over the map. Throw in these migraines, and I'm a complete mess. Mainly -- I would think no one notices it except for me, other than the fact that I've pretty much dropped out of society.

I don't want to do anywhere or be around people much at all. I mainly stick to the folks that share my last name right now because I'm ashamed of my feelings and entire ordeal. I mean lets face it folks -- it's a wake up call of sorts and a very scary one. Could it have been worse? Sure. However, I would say that anytime your brain goes nuts and you can't speak for any amount of time - it's enough to scare you into the ER.

I'm not sure how to break back into normal. Maybe I'm not supposed to? Maybe this is a call to give up some things and refocus on others... there really isn't a way to know for sure. I think for now, if I'm not 100% interested in an activity -- I think I'll skip it and do something else.

I will figure it all out eventually. For now, I'm just waiting for my follow up appointment with the neurologist. It was moved back to the 21st-- so we'll have to see what she says in terms of the migraines and if we need further testing on my small blood vessels.