Monday, March 24, 2008

1 Hour & 1 Day

I officially have one more hour left of work today, and then tomorrow... and I'm off for 6 straight days... you know, it's never enough of a break... but I'm so looking forward to it. The only time it will ever be completely satisfying is when I leave this place for good... the stress and psychotic-ness of my coworkers is just not worth it. Not only that, but even when you have joy in your life... say over your new weight loss or anything else good going on outside of here... they suck the fun out of it! ARG!

I so try to be the better person (I'm not saying bigger person anymore) because I know that somewhere deep down - God is trying to teach me something by having me here, but it is truly a test of my humility at times. For instance, our Monday morning staff meeting - at 10 AM... the week is barely getting started, and they already assume I'm working on a certain project because I've screwed it up somehow. It has to be my incompetency because it certainly can't be that it's someone else's mistake... or not a mistake at all - just something we need to work through. Nope - it's always because of something that I've done wrong...

After a while - it becomes hard to separate and realize that it's not you... it's their miserable lives that is the real issue... but honestly - I know that there has to be something better out there. There has to be a boss somewhere that is human, and can work through whatever issues arise without belittling their employees and berating them in front of their coworkers.

I know that the world of education won't always be perfect, but I sincerely hope that there is at least an ounce of professionalism... and respect... or at least the ability for me to respect myself, and do my job...

I've always been someone that jumps into a new position with all my heart and soul... I start off being really excited about the opportunities that are coming my way... and am thrilled to go to work everyday... I miss that. I miss being excited about what I'm doing, feeling like I've made a difference for someone that day. I know that kids won't ever show the differences that teachers make in their lives, but I know that in my own life... I had teachers touch places and spark interests that I wouldn't have had without them. I want to do that for someone... I want to see their little faces light up when they finally understand something - or when they get to read something that they enjoy... or do a project that excites them.

I'm so tired of being in the fundraising world, where everything is about greed. It's not even about the mission of the organization where I am - because we don't really honestly need the money like other healthcare organizations do. So I'm just ready to leave it behind... and start this part of my life over.

I feel like in so many ways - I started my life over on November 15, 2007... because in so many ways I've had to learn to live all over again... in a very different way, and with very different rules. I've relearned how to cook for myself, eat... when to eat, how to chew... to workout... how to get in all my water for the day...

In some strange way - I feel like starting my career over, and getting outside of my "box" will be such a good experience for me. I feel like if I stayed here in this current dead-end career path... (not that teaching has much growth opportunity... but it has other things) I would end up slipping back in to some of those old habits that got me to the obese world that I was living in. The stress eating, and all those emotional things that were coping mechanisms... need to be completely removed from my life - the need and opportunity needs to be gone just as much as the will to use food in that manner... so hopefully when I have 35 pairs of little eyes on me all day... I will be distracted enough to not feel the head hunger than comes along with the boredom that I have at my current job.

Wow - that was a bunch of therapeutic rambling... hopefully it makes sense to someone out there!! :-)