We had our small group meeting tonight to finish our study, and once again it hit home a bit. The study talked about Joshua and the city of Jericho. We were asked to think about times when we've accomplished something that we didn't think we could... and ways in which our spirituality could be improved for tests of that nature in the future.
One person in the group talked about how he felt he needed to work on obedience in realizing that God has him just where he needs him... and that he needs to be content with that.
As I reflect on his testimony, it makes me think about areas of my own life where those words ring true as well.
Mainly, I find this to be my biggest struggle in terms of becoming a parent. I struggle so badly with my faith in that area, because I find it very hard living in the moment and at the same time knowing that God will provide what we need in that area when the time is right.
Rationally, I know that - but emotionally and physically is where I struggle. There is nothing more on this planet that I want to do in my life besides to mother children... and there have been times when I have been content to wait for it to happen, and other times when I feel the need for children so intensely that it's hard to breathe.
This really isn't an area where I can separate emotions from the struggle - because it is a deeply emotional issue for me... I get so tired of sitting on the sidelines while my friends are raising children - I want to be right in the middle of it with them sharing the struggles and experiences that make it one of the best experiences life has to offer. Not tired in a jealousy sense - but just in a sense of having some common experiences to be able to share ideas with them and to have friends for my kids to play with.
Coupled with this is my need to be faithful and diligent with my preparing my body for this journey - Although... just like with weight loss surgery fears of being the only person out there that the surgery won't work for - I have similar fears that I've done all of this in order to prepare for a pregnancy that might never come. Would I be okay with that if it were to be God's plan? I honestly don't know at this point - I'd be in a pretty dark place for a while, but I'd like to think that I'd work through it in time.
I pray that my emotions and fears are just my human side not knowing what God has in store for me though - and that he'll provide us with the gift of children when the time is right. I'd hope that they'd come sooner rather than later, but so long as they come... I've waited this long...
I still have a long way to go on this one... but I'm working on it.