Saturday, December 6, 2008

Line in the Sand

If there is one thing that weight loss surgery has taught me - it is that there are times in life when it is necessary to take a step back from your routine, turn, and go in the opposite direction. The other thing I've learned is that it's okay to do that.

Well, today I've made some decisions about my life and once again - I'm going out in unfamiliar territory. It's certainly not going to be easy - but in the end - it is time.

There is a long history that has brought me to this moment in time, but the pain and hurt feelings will stop. Everyone has family drama, and the thing that amazes me the most is that family seems to be the one place where the hurt and pain is the most intense.

The final line in the sand, if you will, for me is when someone calls my home and disrespects John when the issues involved go much deeper than that. The juggling act started over 20 years ago, and my entire adult life has been a balancing act of making everyone else in my life happy. With jealousy constantly being an obstacle for some in my life.

Somewhere in the last 30 years my life became about everyone except me, and it's entirely possible that my eating habits were formed as some sort of coping mechanism during all of the insanity. But that's a different topic for a different day.

The bottom line is that when people get married - that becomes the most important relationship in their life - next to their relationship with God. For me that means that a healthy marriage is something you fight for, nurture, and appreciate. The two of you come together and decide what is best for you as a couple, and what I've learned the hard way is that you can't make everyone happy - even part of the time.

The sad thing is that it has taken me 30 years to learn that. The only person I truly can control is myself, and it is my turn to be happy. It is my job to serve my husband with a glad and happy heart - and his job to do the same for me. Everything else is secondary to that.

This might be pretty vague to some of you, others already know about some of what has been going on with me over the last month... but today - I ended it. I drew the line, and from here - I will do things differently. I will not stress about everyone else's feelings. I will not kill myself to do everything that is asked of me. I will be more deliberate about planning things, and above all else - do what it takes to keep the stress level in my life to a minimum.

John and I will start our own traditions and carry those forward, and hopefully in the next year God will bless us with children... and from there our traditions will grow and evolve into what they will remember as they grow up.
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