Tuesday, January 27, 2009

In My Head

Tonight, I got back on the horse... I spent an hour on the treadmill, and if it weren't for my skin itching like crazy right now - I would have enjoyed it. That's not to say that I didn't wish for every minute to pass faster... but I hung in there and burned 400 calories in 2.9 miles.

For some reason in there my left foot felt like it was going to split open, but if I lowered the incline or the speed for a little bit - I could keep going.

One thing that I have found interesting today is that I became acutely aware of the fact that my body is very different than my own perception of my body. I remembered a moment this weekend when I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and suddenly I saw something that I didn't expect.

I almost saw my stomach looking rather flat... now I know that it's not, BUT it is a lot more flat than it used to be. (And it was flatter on Saturday than it is today... bloating STINKS!) My point here though is that I walk through this life forgetting that I'm not 320 pounds anymore... I forget that people don't see that anymore when they are talking to me.

I don't know if my mind will ever catch up to my head, but sometimes my eyes can't deny it. I still remember how it felt though, and I really feel for people when I see kids making fun of them or people treating them differently because of their size. I sometimes take it personally because I forget that people now think it's okay to do that in front of me... it'll never be okay with me though because I know how badly that hurts.

Sometimes I still get scared when I walk into a waiting room... thinking and wondering if I'm going to fit into the chairs, because it wasn't that long ago that even if I did fit - it wouldn't have been comfortable.

When walking through a restaurant, I still get anxiety wondering if I'm going to be able to fit between the tables or in a booth...

These things haven't been a problem for a while, but I still can't get it through my head. I wonder if things will ever be different... or if I'm always going to struggle with my own self image. I guess it's not a bad thing to never catch up, and always appreciate the things that you can do. If it never becomes the status quo... maybe I'll never get complacent enough to gain any of the weight back... just a thought.


  1. I do the same thing with booths! I always think, "I'll never fit in that seat!" and then I sit down with miles to spare between me and the table. I don't think I'll *ever* get over that one either.

  2. I still do that with booths too, Kim. Often before surgery, I would barely fit into them and getting in and out was so not graceful! Now that I fit and can get in and out easily, I still those moments of "Am I really gonna be able to get in there?" I'm not sure it will ever go away!


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