One of my new blog buddies told me about a daily devotional for those of us that are going through fertility treatments, trying to conceive, or have had miscarriages. Today's message from Sarah's Laughter just knocked me over the head... it is EXACTLY where I am... or at least the first part... this is the hardest weekend of my year!
Read what they had to say, and I'll give you my take at the end.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9
This weekend is perhaps the hardest of your year. Mother’s Day is Sunday. Families will gather and photos will be taken. Churches will hand out flowers and small trinkets and pastors will preach their best sermons about the gift of motherhood. Oceans of tears will flood the faces of infertile women, and hearts still trying to recover from miscarriage or stillbirth will shatter a little more.
Throughout the frustration of Mother’s Day--and all the days leading up to it--there is one powerful reality upon which you can rely. God’s amazing, all sufficient grace.
No matter the specifics of your struggle, you can depend on the sufficiency of God’s grace to be enough for you. How amazing is grace! There is no struggle, no hardship, no holiday through which grace cannot sustain you. It is strong enough, real enough to sustain you. It is made perfectly powerful in your weakness. Even on Mother’s Day.
You may be thinking, “But I’m not a ‘super-Christian’! I fail God way too much for Him to grant such grace to me. If you had heard how I’ve spoken to Him since I’ve dealt with infertility you’d understand.” Or perhaps you’ve not spoken to Him at all lately. You wonder if He’s finished with you as well.
Friend, that’s the beauty of grace.
Grace is unmerited favor. If you had done anything to earn it, it simply wouldn’t be grace anymore. It’d be a paycheck! God gives you His unmerited, unearned favor. He knows you can’t earn His favor so with a heart the size of the Grand Canyon bursting with love for you, He grants His grace. Sufficient grace to get you through your first Mother’s Day without your twins. And the next Mother’s Day. And the next one. Strong enough to sustain you when your period starts again. Powerful enough to hold you together when you feel like you’ll fall apart when someone says something else hurtful and they don’t even realize it. Enough to walk you through more baby shower invitations and pregnancy announcements.
God’s amazing all-sufficient grace. Sufficient for Mother’s Day weekend. Sufficient for you.
It doesn't get much more eloquent than that, and it is everything I'm feeling - and everything I know in my heart at the same time. I know that God has a plan for me... I know that it is greater than I could ever imagine, but that doesn't make the waiting any easier.
I've said it before, but we live in a culture that makes it very hard to be different... I can't even begin to tell you the number of times that people have asked me: "How many kids do you have?" or "Why haven't you started a family yet?"
These questions come just in meeting people sometimes, and while I know they are harmless questions - for me you might as well stab me in the gut. I've even been made to feel like my opinions are less than those of women that have children. It's a sad and unfortunate part of our culture, but I do sometimes have wisdom to share even though I don't have children. There is a whole plethora of topics out there that I do have experience with.
One thing that sustains me in the hard times is this blog... being able to express my feelings whether they are from a dark place or from the most colorful - I am able to "say" things here that I'd never be able to form into the spoken word. EVER. I am horrible at talking... and honestly the more emotional or intense the conversation... if it's about me... the words stop forming.
My best friend in college, Maria... happens to be Puerto Rican... and can subsequently fight with the best of them. (You REALLY know she's mad if she switches from English to Spanish mid sentence. HA!) It used to frustrate the snot out of her when I'd completely shut down in a conflict. She wanted in those moments to fight... but I couldn't... John can attest to that too. On the bright side though... I never say anything I'll regret in the heat of the moment.
Ok, so that was outside the point.
Anyway, the bottom line is that I am having trouble in the moment finding and feeling God's grace during this turmoil. I know that it is there... I am completely faithful that he has this under control, but some days it is like ripping my heart from my chest.
Sunday is a day that I'd dearly love to just hide in bed with the covers over my head and just act like it hasn't happened. I know that it isn't rational or possible, but that to me would be ok... fill my day with Ben Stiller movies (Zoolander, Meet the Parents), Will Farrell movies (Talladega Nights, Elf), Vince Vaughn movies (the Breakup, Wedding Crashers), and Adam Sandler movies (the Waterboy, Billy Maddison)... that would make it all go away, right? No.
It would still be there... still be happening. So, I'm going to pick myself up and go about the normal day. I'm going to lean on my friends at church (Renee... sorry that you're the lucky girl sitting and standing next to me during worship!) and then go to our normal lunch with John's grandmother. There will be tons of mother's and kids around - but I have to face the world. I can't hide from it - this is my reality - and no matter how painful it is... these are the people that love us, and will be there no matter what happens. Through the good and the bad. And thank God for them!