Tuesday, May 5, 2009

One Foot Then Another

I am trying my best to move forward without holding on to too much of the here and now... If I allow myself to get caught up in that - I'll drive myself crazy. I know that a lot of you are new, but those that have been around for a while... know that I am my biggest critic... by. a. long. shot.

I could get caught up in the areas that could be improved... oh, like my workouts - or lack thereof. My weight loss - issues... my impatience with this whole fertility thing... or even my lack of time to sit back and do the things that I truly enjoy - like scrapbook.

At any rate, the pregnancy test turned out just as I expected - and I reacted surprisingly well... or maybe just out of numbness. It's almost as if the possibility of one being positive is so foreign to me that it didn't even register. The irritation of spending $20 (for 3 of them) basically for no reason at all, wasn't lost on me... but at the same time, I wouldn't have been able to move forward with the Provera without having this sort of complete closure.

Sometimes the fact that God is bigger than all things can play with me a little bit... sort of like I had that tiny shred of hope that maybe - just maybe - against all the odds there could have been a little miracle performed and this test would have proven us all wrong... It could have given me my story to share with the world about God's grace and faithfulness. I'm certainly not saying that when it does happen - that it would be any less of a miracle... I'm just saying - those thoughts give me that glimmer of hope each month and sometimes make it that much more painful when it isn't your turn.

To tell you that the little giggle deep down inside of me didn't come out when I thought maybe just maybe this morning - I could wake up John with some sort of news about him being a Daddy... I'd be lying.

Yes, it was there - even when I knew that it was improbable... but God does the impossible...

To tell you that it doesn't sting that once again, Mother's Day comes without that answered prayer... would also be a lie.

Even knowing that at least I now have some sort of a plan and a timeline before we can start the process again... isn't much of a comfort to me today - the waiting is tough - some days are easier than others... today - is NOT one of those days.

I will go by and pick up the medication on our way home tonight and start it right away, but it could be 14 days before it works... then it'll be 3 weeks of being back on the pill to bring down my hormone levels. From there, IF and only IF my hormones are back where they belong - do we get to actually move on with those injections that we've talked about.

Some days, the process is maddening... I know in my heart and soul that it is WORTH it all... but once again, I'd be lying if I said that a mild pity party isn't in the works within me. If only I can get through Sunday... then I think things will settle down emotionally again...

Or well, I'll be distracted... because someone you guys know and love has a birthday coming up... and I know that her husband has been hard at work with the gift purchases... which only makes her want to open them and see what he's so excited about!! GAH!
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