Monday, June 8, 2009

On Hold

You know the signs that are in every amusement park around the globe showing you the minimum height requirement to ride most dangerous rides?

You know - the one that when you get close to the right height, you pray that you'll be over so that you'll finally be able to experience the ride instead of having to sit on the sidelines of the fun?

Well, once again - John and I are too short to jump on the roller coaster of parenthood.

The doctor's office called this morning with his test results... and while most of them are good. There are some that fall just short of where our doctor wants them to be - so John has to go into treatment of sorts for the next month. Which really means 4 weeks of "treatment" and then another week of waiting for the results to come back and tell us if we can move forward - or if we're back on another 5 weeks of waiting.

This isn't how this morning was supposed to go... I was prepared to be ordering injections and moving forward with this cycle... but once again - we're being told that we have to sit on the sidelines and wait until we reach the height requirement.

This picture is the nicest way I can show how I feel right now... I'm ticked. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm impatient. I'm frustrated. I'm completely overwhelmed.

I'm so angry that right now it seems like God hasn't listened to a single prayer that I've said. Rationally, I know that isn't true - but today - in this moment - that is exactly how it feels. I'm not interested in reading anything else about how wonderful God is today - and how he's going to deliver us to our perfect plan in him... I'm just not in that place. I'm feeling more like a 2 year old in the middle of a tantrum... and that's where I'm going to remain as long as I need to.

I don't share this with you all because I want some sort of scripture references to read - because today is just not the day for those types of comments. Believe me, it won't be received well. Today I'm needing prayer, and love... and a knowledge that people understand how I feel, and that they are there to listen. I'm not saying that I am ready, willing or able to talk at the moment...

Funny thing is - I had a fleeting thought this morning about getting back perfect results on John's testing... and feeling hurt that it's always me with the problems... I guess I thought that I might be relieved to know that I'm not completely alone in the broken body merry-go-round... but I don't feel that at all. I just feel broken, sad, and hurt for both of us. So, here I sit trying to figure out how to tell my wonderful husband that he has to actually use the frozen peas... I guess on the bright side for him is that for the next month - he's been given medical clearance to avoid: extreme heat (I guess I'll be helping out by mowing) and any form of heavy exercise... does the treadmill count?