Saturday, September 26, 2009

Dreaded Phone Call

I got the call yesterday at about 4:15... the phone call that ended all hope for our 7 follicles this time around.

My estrogen count was only 44, and at this point in the cycle it should be well over 100. So this tells the doctor that my eggs aren't maturing properly.

The gave us two options: 1) cancel the cycle and come in to consult with the doctor or 2) pump up my medicine from 3 vials a shot to 5. At a cost of $300 a shot.

In order for us to do option 2 - we would have needed to order some more medicine, and even at that they didn't see much reason or hope for going down that path.

So we opted to cancel the cycle... and we'll go back to see the doctor on October 8th to see if there is anything we can do.

With the current state of my ovaries, we wouldn't even be able to do IVF at this point - because they can't get my ovaries to stimulate to the point of producing it's own estrogen.

All this time we were thinking that my only true problem was the mass amounts of testosterone that my body produces, but apparently our problems don't stop there. Which is a very difficult pill to swallow.

I feel very defeated today, and without hope of having my own child. Not that I believe that having your own child is the only way to motherhood, but feeling like that option is slipping away is something that you have to mourn and accept before moving on.

I can sort of see how people slip into drug addiction or alcoholism right now - because honestly - being in some sort of chemical induced coma that would take away the awareness of the pain that I am feeling. (No one worry... I'm not going out for a drink... or anything else) The only thing that we have a chance of is me drowning the pain in food... which is the one thing that weight loss surgery doesn't help you with... I might eat less of whatever it is, but the tendency to eat away the pain is still there... and old habits die hard.

I don't know what the appointment on October 8th will bring, but my guess is that it will be an expensive option... and one that we will have to weigh with the other options out there. I am starting to research adoption and embryo adoption - just so that we'll have information ready to choose our path wisely.

Some friends of ours just adopted a little girl about a week ago, so I've got an email out to her asking what the name of their agency is so that I can look into them - they are Christian based - so I want to start looking there. They are also local... which is ideal.

I've looked at a couple of embryo adoption websites, but the basic idea there is that it would be pretty much like a frozen embryo transfer - so we'd adopt some one's unused embryo and they'd transfer that to me... which we initially thought was sort of creepy, but given the circumstances that we are in - I think we need to research the option just to know more about it and make an educated decision.

Our hope would be to have our own child, but I'm not sure that it will ever happen... so I want to be prepared. In the meantime - I am trying to find a way to struggle through this and stay close to God... because right now - I'm not feeling it. I sort of feel like I'm being punished for something that I did... but I don't know what it was that I did wrong.

My friend, Renee, and I were talking yesterday - before I knew anything was wrong, and she made the statement that God can be cruel sometimes... and while that isn't an overall picture of who God is... sometimes when it comes to our emotions, it can seem that way. Right now, in both of our lives - we are in that place.

The place of being desperate to create a life and expand our families... but both being denied that opportunity... in different ways and different problems... but the pain is real and it is similar.

I can't speak for her... but I know that in my case it is a deep agony that I would never wish for anyone to have to endure... the kind of pain that brings tears to your eyes just walking past the baby section at the WalMart... the kind that makes you look at people in the store with babies and wonder why you can't have that...

The kind of pain that only God could heal... so I'm trying to remember that, and I will spend a good part of my day today in prayer catching up on my New Testament Challenge... I'm a couple of days behind, but it's a good day for me to get all of my feelings out in prayer and see what God can tell me.


  1. Oh Kim my heart is breaking for you as I sit here in tears. No words I could say can comfort you at this time. Just know you are in my prayers & if you ever need anything I'm here for you. God does have a plan & it's so hard not being able to see it at this time but its there. *many hugs*

  2. Kim, there are not words that can be said that will really offer you comfort. Feeling like all hope has been removed is the worst feeling in the world. I pray that God would simply pour his unending love on you in this time and that you would begin to feel that peace.

  3. I'm so sorry to read this and I can't even begin to think of the words to share and soothe. I'm just going to leave you with *hugs* and prayers that you (and John) have the strength to endure.

  4. My sympathies are with you and I'm praying for you. I echo Leslee: God does have a plan, and it's hard not being able to see it. He is not cruel, but the fallen world in which we live is a very tough place to be.

    "I will never leave you." During these dark days when you aren't sure whether to give up hope of becoming a biological mother, He is ever present at your side. Even when you're drowning your sorrow in snacking. He knows your vices, He knows your weaknesses, He knows your desires. Cast all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

    Kim, do not despair. He is greater than any frustration on this earth!

  5. Kim, there truly aren't any words that can make you feel better now -even the ones that are "supposed to". You have what is it - 5 stages of grief to go through and go through them all with as much time as it takes. God will love you and so will all of us no matter what. You will be a mother one day - HOW is the unknown right now, but try to find comfort in knowing that you WILL be a mother when it is time. I hate that you have to go through all of this. Hang in there!!!

  6. Oh Kim! My heart is breaking for the two of you. I praying while you are trying to discover the next steps.

  7. Oh, what sad, sad news. I can't imagine how painful this must be for you. I'm so sorry. Thank you for bravely sharing your struggles. It touched me.

    With love,
    Elizabeth Esther


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