I was in the car this morning and this very meaningful song came through on John's iPod... and the tears just started rolling down my cheeks. God will carry me through... he will get me through all of these obstacles that seem so insurmountable. He's got it, and he has a plan for things that I can't even begin to imagine right now... these are things that I know... listen to the song for a couple of minutes. (The photos have no real meaning - listen to the words)
Where I get stuck right now is the indescribable pain and saddness that I feel. I mean it literally takes me willing myself out of bed every morning - only to go through the motions of a normal day... with the continual countdown of being able to get back into my home... my little bubble where at least I feel safe from the cruelty of the hand I've been dealt right now.
Someone once told me that the hardest part about infertility, the part they never really considered when they got into it... is that most people eventually get pregnant. Sometimes the hard part is being the person left behind - and that's true... but the hardest part for me is watching the people that take that miracle for granted.
People that get pregnant just by looking at their partner in the eyes... but yet beat their children. I don't understand it, but then again - it's not for me to understand. We expressed this confusion and anger to John's parents over the weekend - and they said that while it is hard to watch things like that - their perspective on it is interesting. They don't look at it in the same way we do... they have the gift of distance and time. To them - they see those children and are able to thank God for putting John in their care through adoption instead of putting him in harms way - potentially in a situation such as that.
No one knows what John's life could have been like if his birth parents hadn't put him up for adoption... my guess knowing what little I do about that situation - his birth parents were older and just couldn't take on or afford another child - but could that situation have turned ugly toward him if they hadn't given the gift to Jimmy and Betty... maybe so.
I don't know, but I do know that I've got to find a way to pull myself out of this... I know that there is so much that I should be doing to take better care of myself - but I'm having trouble finding the strength and the will do make that happen. Maybe the weekend will bring me the opportunity to figure out a way to start moving in that direction.
This morning, shortly after hearing Carry Me Through in the car... I got an email from John that I'd like to share with you. It is extremely personal, and he might kill me for sharing it... but it just hit me like a ton of bricks, and leads me to something else I want to say before signing off for my workday.
I am just about to head out to go eat breakfast, but I wanted to leave you a note to let you know how much I love you. I just want you to know that we will figure out what to do. I know that God will give us a child in his own way and time. Certainly I wish we could have had our own children, but the opportunity to be a blessing in a child's life that might not otherwise have a chance is just that - a blessing. I can't wait to get home and see you. I hope you have a good day at work and I will give you a call soon.
I have been given such a blessing in the people that God has put in my life to help me get through all of this... and I will personally spend the rest of my life trying to show these people exactly what they meant to me during this time, and certainly during many more trials and triumphs. So to John, my inlaws, my Dad, Cathi, Wyndie, Philip, Renee, Danielle, Natalie, Jenn I., Summer... and many others of you that have left some beautiful comments over the last few months... from the bottom of my heart - you are a gift from God and your encouragement has meant the world to me. I only hope that I can repay you by supporting you in a fraction of the ways that you have for me. Love to you all.