Wednesday, October 21, 2009

If...Then

I originally planned to put up some photo posts, but in light of the content theft going on right now - I'm going to refrain from putting too many photos up until this is resolved.

In light of that... I'll write another post that I've been thinking about lately.

Do you remember being in school learning about If...Then statements? Maybe some of you remember teaching them instead of learning.... but the concept was to learn about cause and effect. You know... things like... if I don't do my homework, then I won't be able to go to the football game. Things like that.

For a very long time - VERY long time... my life has been a series of If...Then statements. I lived my life without faith in a lot of ways - very much a situation where I constantly wondered IF I would ever be a mother. Because IF I became a mother... then... insert a whole range of optional statements here. I mean you name it - and I played it over and over in my mind. My happiness was an if...then statement.

I am so grateful for the change that has come over me within the last month... hard to believe that it's been close to a month since we got that phone call telling us that our cycle was cancelled. The change in me has been nothing short of a miracle.

I now have contentment to weather the storm and peace to be patient until the next step arrives. Something about those fertility treatments didn't allow that for me... there was anxiety in the treatment, anxiety waiting to get to the next one, anxiety over the costs... just anxiety in general.

Now my life has turned into a series of When... then statements - if you english teachers will even let me say that. What I'm basically trying to say is that the hope has returned to my life... it's not a matter of IF it's a matter of WHEN.

When the baby comes...
- I will be able to buy all sorts of little tiny shoes, and little tiny clothes
- I will be able to bake and do all of the things I enjoy with more of a purpose
- I will be able to teach my child about the faith that I missed out on in my own childhood
- I will be able to participate in sports, and all sorts of activities that I was too scared to do in my own childhood
- I will be able to love unconditionally whether it is a child of our own DNA or an adopted child that has been given to us to raise
- I will treasure every late night, every rough patch... because so many women out there can't
- I will remind myself that it is the greatest gift that anyone can be given... a child to raise.
- I will teach them how to tie their shoes, read a book, bake a cake, and play board games... oh the possibilities
- I will treasure every sweet moment to be the mother that they deserve
- I will give them all that they desire, while teaching them to give to others without concern for themselves
- I will... do so many more things...

I am content to wait until the baby that has been made just for us is provided to us in whatever means necessary. Where just a month or so ago - I didn't think I could wait 9 months of pregnancy until I was able to hold my child in my arms... now I'm content to wait as long as it takes.

Certainly - whatever journey comes between now and then will prepare me to be an even better mother to that child... or those children. Each step of my life thus far has prepared me for the next... and I am thrilled to be able to share it with all of you.

Or at least the two of you that are still reading. (wink!)