Friday, October 9, 2009

Inspiration...Me?

My friend Jenn wrote a post today (the link had to be removed because of someone stealing my blog posts - email me and I'll send you the link)... and the words she had to say about me made me think.

Several of you out there have told me at one time or another that I am an encouragement to you or that you think my story is inspirational. Which sounds lovely, but I don't see it. I guess I'm too busy being encouraged my all of you!

Really, I'm just a normal girl over here trying to survive and live life the best that I know how. I'm learning lots every day from wonderful people... about all sorts of topics. But, the only thing I've done lately is give the whole thing to God and let him work it out.

I can't do it anymore - and can I just tell you that the peace that washes over you in that moment is incredible. It truly feels like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders and you're floating in thin air.

Problems seem smaller, pain seems less painful... you know the drill. It's so true though - I used to think it was just lip service... as recently as last week. People would say things to me - the typical things that believers say to each other during hard times - when they don't know what else to say. And I'd get mad... honestly... because it felt like they didn't know what I was talking about - or how big my problems were.

The truth is - that you can get through anything if you find something to believe in and put your whole heart and soul into it.

It just amazes me that my story might help people find that for themselves. Because I see the every day me... the person that stumbles out of bed in the morning all rumpled (poor John sees it too)... I see the person that is broken. Which makes me baffled when I hear how inspirational I am.

I guess it comes from knowing how flawed I really am - and I don't know if you guys see that all the time. Because honestly, I'm the one that breaks down crying in the doctor's office - just because the options seem slim... even though I knew in my heart that God has a plan... and that we're putting that plan into action. Still though, the words that cut me to the core still can and do... I am perfectly fine with the idea of adopting - but the words that cut me are the ones that verbalize the things that I consciously know... but feel so strongly when they are said.

I am the person that gets angry and questions God when life gets hard, and things don't turn out on my time table.

The difference now, is that I know how to praise Him in the storms and the rainbows. I have learned the difference between believing in something and actually living my beliefs. There is a profound difference there that I don't even know that I can articulate... I guess in a very small way it's like seeing a cupcake on television or in a window is so very different from actually tasting it. Which one is sweeter to you? (I didn't ask which one will end up on your thighs)

I guess it's like with my weight loss surgery - I was so busy feeling the failures of not losing what I wanted to lose... I never really saw clearly the blessings that did come from what I lost. Now - I've got some work to do in order to get back to where I was... thanks fertility treatments. The blessings are there though.

Hindsight really is the best thing in order to fully see a situation - you can't truly appreciate it until you've gone all the way through it and gotten some distance... only then can you see the wonderful lessons learned and the beauty of the process. Just about every "bad" experience I've ever had can be looked at in this light and be given new purpose.

So I am grateful to know that I am in some way able to encourage some of you with my story - some days - I envy your vantage point on the process... but I know that in the end it is all worth it.

There are things that happen all around me - and sometimes just an unexpected email can bring light to an entire week... and in an odd moment - you can forward that on to one friend, and it offers them the words of encouragement that they desperately needed... God is a funny man.

To Jenn - you are an amazing woman, and don't think for even a fleeting moment that you don't encourage me in ways that you can't even imagine. You are a light for God and I've learned a lot about him through your encouragement, words, and scripture references... and girl... I can't wait to attend a baby shower for you when your blessing arrives as well!
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