It is always so odd to me to walk in the door of my doctor's office and just instantly feel the anxiety level in my body go into rapid fire. I always expect my blood pressure to be really elevated to an extreme level... but it hangs in there just fine.
We talked for a long time about my body and the fact that it just simply will not stimulate up to this point... we told him that we were pretty much ready to give up, but he gave us a couple of more options to try.
For starters, he's running the blood test that will tell him if I have any viable eggs left - based on my age they've never considered the possibility of some sort of early menopausal condition. So in about a week, we'll learn if all of this has been in vain or if there is some indication that there is life back in this old body.
Now, before I start telling you what our plan is... I want to preface this by saying that ultimately we deeply believe that this is in God's hands like it never has been before. We are seeking his guidance for every step of the way, and if it doesn't feel right - we're done. At the same time, we feel very strongly about the signs and pulls of our heart to start the adoption process at this time. So we are moving forward with that - and whatever God blesses us with - we will sing his praises.
That being said - I've started a new protocol today. I'm taking the birth control pill again, and this time we are "priming" my body with estrogen. The estrogen supplement is in the hope that the added hormone will allow for my body to hopefully be more receptive to the follicle stimulating hormone at that point of the cycle and thus begin making it's own estrogen from the follicles themselves. I will take these pills from today until the 28th and we will go back for some blood work.
We've also been instructed to go back and see how much Lupron we have left, and whatever we have left - start taking the remaining doses backing up from the 27th... so if I have 10 left - start 10 days before the blood work will be drawn and go from there.
The plan from the 28th is to take our hands off the reigns for a little bit and see what my body does on its own... if I make a follicle on my own and if so - then I already have the injection to help stimulate the ovulation process. So - we'll see what my body can do provided that the test that they are running today doesn't tell them that my body doesn't have any more eggs left.
If that plan doesn't work, but shows some signs of progress - we could repeat the birth control pill, estrogen regimen again... and try the cycle again as an IUI. I don't know if we'd be willing to go through with that, but we'd seek counsel from God and go with where he leads us.
From that point - if we tried both of those - the doctor says that the only option from there would be to do an IVF cycle with 10 vials of stimulation drugs a day - at at cost of $600 a day... and we certainly don't feel like that would be a good use of our resources... at least not at this time. Now, that being said - if God leads us in that direction - I fully believe that he'd somehow provide the funds to take that worry away from us.
I also fully believe that if it is in his will for me to have my own child - it might happen through one of these measures, but possibility not... that doesn't mean that he won't ever make it happen - there is always the possibility that he could allow us to go through adoption and then provide the pregnancy later... without the help of any drugs, hormones, or doctors... he's God after all.
So that is where we are after meeting with Dr. Mac this morning - I fully anticipated that it would have been our last appointment with him, but I feel at peace with this. I even feel peace about the fact that there is a possibility that God could provide both at the same time - if that is his will - then we are all in.
This is slightly off topic, but not really... I can't say that I've ever been a water skier - but the image of the pull of the boat lifting you up out of the water has always been powerful to me... but not as powerful as the image of letting go and falling back into the water. I feel very much like in the last few days - I've worked myself into having that feeling. Sort of like my own desires and wants in life were the boat pulling me... and I've finally chosen to let go... and let God carry me. So floating in his peace and wisdom is where you'll find me today...