Thursday, October 8, 2009

Profoundly Amazing

At any time that I've been able to sit back and take stock of the choices that I've made in my life... decisions considered both good and bad... I've often heard myself say that I don't have any regrets because each and every choice has shaped me into the person that I am meant to be.

Even more incredible is sitting back and considering the possibilities of what might have happened... if... in any situation - I can guarantee that things in your life would be vastly different depending on what choice you replace with the opposite of what you actually did in your life.

If you hadn't gone here... or hadn't done that... how vastly different would your life be in this given moment.

As I reflect on the choices that I've made over the last two weeks... the choices that could have been VERY different at a different point in my life... I can only marvel at the incredible circumstances that have surrounded me.

This time - this fertility treatment cycle - instead of choosing anger, resentment, and hurt... I chose to truly for maybe the second time in my life... to honestly and earnestly seek to lay it all at God's feet and let him be the center of my life.

I knew that I couldn't get through the hurt and pain of another failed fertility cycle on my own - and what other choice did I have, to sink into depression that swallowed me up whole?

No, this time - I was going to head into this with the right attitude and the right foundation. My belief is that to this point in our journey toward having a family of our own - we were trying to fit God into the plans that we had chosen given our options. Instead of sitting down and earnestly seeking God's message to us as to what path to take. We just jumped head first into the answer that made sense at the time - conventional medicine.

Had that worked for us, we certainly would have praised God for the miracle... but we might not have grown in our faith like we have in the last two weeks. Incredible.

I sit here writing tonight, and I have a completely peaceful heart. I have prayed specifically for the last two weeks - which I know is a short amount of time considering how long people spend praying for other miracles in their lives. Our baby journey has certainly NOT been short, however. We've tried and waited for a miracle now for almost 8 years...

The difference is that for 7 years and 9 months, we've not been earnestly seeking the path that God wanted for us. We have followed the journey that we needed to in order to get to this very moment... but we both came to the realization separately that the traditional medicine way of handling this isn't for us anymore.

We've been putting all of our hopes and dreams into our doctor and the shots that he's prescribed... so in a sense - we've put all of our hopes and dreams into a syringe and injected it into me at varying intervals... with no success... but a lot of resources spent.

Now we are giving it over to God, and he will provide what we need. He has guided us toward adoption... for this time very clearly - and we are going to head down that path. Maybe at some point in the future - by his divine power - we will get pregnant and have a child of our own... but the opportunity to raise a child of his creation is no different in my eyes if it comes from my own womb or that of someone that needs me to step in and raise the child.

What I want to tell you is that the difference in me is absolutely incredible. Even since yesterday - today I feel light as air. Everything looks different... and I am different. I have hope in something bigger than myself, and a new respect and ownership that my way is through Jesus Christ.

I have had two extremely stressful and emotionally draining days at the office, and the difference between my reaction yesterday and today is mind boggling... and the amazing thing is that last night - instead of just being bitter - I sat down right when we got home and I spent an hour reading the word, writing in my prayer journal, and praying specifically for God to show me if this is where he wants me... and if it is... to show me exactly what he wants me to learn from this experience.... if it's not... tell me where to go. I woke up today again to walk into the office to another fire-storm... and after an initial gut reaction of anger through tears - I rallied and ya'll I was happier than I can remember being in a LONG time.

The light of Christ is living in me... and you better believe that I'm going to spend as much time as I can making it brighter and stronger... and ready to parent the child that he provides for me... ready to do whatever job he provides for me to do the best that I can for his kingdom... and as often as I can find the words to write... I'm going to come on this blog and share my experiences with you. My joy is in the encouragement that I can provide through my story.

It hasn't turned out as I might have thought... even just a few days ago, but the only constant in life is change... the key is our ability to adapt.