Sunday, January 31, 2010

Changes

I've heard that other than death and taxes... change is the only other thing you can count on in life. Well, I guess I'm about due for some of that.

In the summer of 2004, I went with my stepmother to pick up my little brother that my parents were adopting from Guatemala. He was around 18 months old at the time, and I remember that trip so vividly. He was a cute little guy that was happy as long as you didn't move him or change what was happening.

You want to play with toys on the bed, fine... he was perfectly happy. You want to walk around with him in his stroller, fine... perfectly happy. Although, if you needed to change the current pattern of activity or his clothes... he freaked out and a typical toddler temper tantrum would ensue.

I can sort of relate at the moment. There is something particularly hard for me right now with Sundays and Mondays... I can't even put my finger on it. I just know that those two days of the week are the hardest for me emotionally - I mean it's not normal for me to get weepy because I have to get out of bed... much less go to church... I love my church! Believe me - if I could figure out how to write it out and process it... I'd be doing that.

There is just so much swirling in my head lately, and I feel like junk. Literally! The nausea, headaches, and just general sickness are back in full force.

I was thinking through some things on my way to a church event this afternoon. I was thinking of all the change that has come over the last few months, and how people process through those things... the only way I can really compare it would be to say that it is much like the process of grieving.

You see, I've been taking every bit of the uncertainty and anger over our infertility and the end of that process out on my body. I go through these stages every now and then... a stage where I get so fed up with all the things that are wrong with me - that I sort of go into denial about it all.

I stopped the fertility shots, drugs, and such in September - but I also stopped taking my diabetes medicine, my thyroid medicine, and doing anything that might be considered healthy. I sunk right back into my "happy place" and medicated with food - specifically sugar. I know this is all wrong, but in the moment - you are helpless to stop it when you are hanging on by a thread.

When you wake up and start realizing what is happening - you're almost helpless to fix it. In a way this makes me feel like a failure on two issues (fertility and weight loss), and add to that a work situation that is emotionally stressful to the point of almost making you feel like you are a worthless employee... and you have a perfect storm driving my emotional state right now.

Please hear me say that I am 100% excited about adoption... and believe whole-heartedly that this is our God given path at the moment, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't sometimes cross my mind that there are things that I will miss out on if I never physically bear my own child. I am so excited about the opportunities that are just around the corner for us through our adoption... it's just hard to not have much to push forward to at this point.

So, that is pretty much where I am... I know that there is a lot that I need to do for myself... but at the same time emotionally - I think I need something to help level me out a little bit possibly. I don't know - I'll talk to my doctor tomorrow about what he thinks... but maybe just for a month or so just to level me out in order to have the strength/courage to tackle all the things that I need to tackle in order to get back on track.

  • Start a new diet plan... I'm highly considering the Gylcemic Impact Diet through ediets.com
  • Start working out again in some form
  • Start back on my thyroid medications
  • Start back on my vitamins and supplements
  • Continue taking my diabetes medicine
  • Figure out what it is that I want to do with my life... in the future
  • Get back to my normal life...