Tuesday, February 2, 2010

What to say...

I'm at a loss - a big huge stinking loss... Which is weird... my brain is so cloudy it is almost blank. Have you ever felt like you were in a room but completely invisible... even to yourself? Like you're just sitting there - you can see the action of life happening around you - but you just can't quite engage in the moment...

It's surreal, to say the least.

There was an episode of ER during one of the seasons where Cynthia Nixon played the role of a mother that had a stroke. In this episode, they played it for a good portion of the show from her perspective... and it was interesting because she was completely aware of everything that was happening - but she was unable to communicate that back to the doctors.

I sort of feel like that a little bit.

Like I'm in here, and I know this isn't normal... for me or for anyone... but I am helpless to pull myself out of it and begin to get back to normal. Like for instance, at this very moment... I am sitting under the brightest florescent lighting known to man, and I could literally pass out right now and sleep for hours.

I can feel my heart beating - which is weird, because normally - I am moving and talking to people and don't even notice it.

The visit with my doctor went well - without much discussion - he agreed that I needed something for a month or two to combat all the things I've been feeling... so he gave me a prescription, and we'll see where we go from there. He did say though that for some people, the medicine can actually make it worse... so if I start to see signs of that - to call him back next week.

So I guess that's it - I'm on "meds" now... you know the ones... the kind where if you start to act funny - people ask if you've stopped taking your "meds"... yeah, those.

The pharmacist said that they might make me drowsy - so I'm going to hold off on taking it until this evening - because I can't afford to literally fall asleep here at the office... and I'm fighting it hard enough!