Tuesday, February 2, 2010

What to say...

I'm at a loss - a big huge stinking loss... Which is weird... my brain is so cloudy it is almost blank. Have you ever felt like you were in a room but completely invisible... even to yourself? Like you're just sitting there - you can see the action of life happening around you - but you just can't quite engage in the moment...

It's surreal, to say the least.

There was an episode of ER during one of the seasons where Cynthia Nixon played the role of a mother that had a stroke. In this episode, they played it for a good portion of the show from her perspective... and it was interesting because she was completely aware of everything that was happening - but she was unable to communicate that back to the doctors.

I sort of feel like that a little bit.

Like I'm in here, and I know this isn't normal... for me or for anyone... but I am helpless to pull myself out of it and begin to get back to normal. Like for instance, at this very moment... I am sitting under the brightest florescent lighting known to man, and I could literally pass out right now and sleep for hours.

I can feel my heart beating - which is weird, because normally - I am moving and talking to people and don't even notice it.

The visit with my doctor went well - without much discussion - he agreed that I needed something for a month or two to combat all the things I've been feeling... so he gave me a prescription, and we'll see where we go from there. He did say though that for some people, the medicine can actually make it worse... so if I start to see signs of that - to call him back next week.

So I guess that's it - I'm on "meds" now... you know the ones... the kind where if you start to act funny - people ask if you've stopped taking your "meds"... yeah, those.

The pharmacist said that they might make me drowsy - so I'm going to hold off on taking it until this evening - because I can't afford to literally fall asleep here at the office... and I'm fighting it hard enough!


  1. I wish I could give you a big hug. I know I don't have the words to make it better, but you should know how much you are loved... by many people.

    Hang in there.

  2. I like my happy pills, they keep me from being cranky-mean mommy or curl-up-in-bed mommy. I have gotten to where I can tell when I need to go back on them because of how often and long I have dealt with it (luckily I don't deal with anything severe).

    After the first couple of weeks, you should get used to them and no longer feel drowsy and then can take them any time of day.

  3. Girl - whatEVER helps. And I'm sure it will.

    Better to be on "those" pills than being called "that" lady...you know. The CRAZY one. :)

  4. you know how i feel. i love you and i am proud of you.

  5. Kim,
    I hardly ever get to just read anymore on the computer, but I read today's note on your FB and I thought I would check you out. Don't worry about getting on meds. There are lots of people in this world who are on meds, me included and if it helps then so be it. If not, then you need to try something else. And for the record. I tell everyone I'm crazy, and if anyone knows me, I think they would agree. What can I say. I'm a work in progress and they day I am complete, will probably be the day I'm dead. I love you and please don't feel like your alone. You have and are really going through a lot and you have to take that into consideration.


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