Monday, January 25, 2010

Sinking

It's been a while since I truly felt like I am today... and I think it would be unfair if I didn't share some of this with you guys... I don't want you to think that I'm any different than the honest truth.

If you've been around this little corner of the internet for long - you've heard that we're in the process of adopting... you've probably heard about the other things going on in my life as well that are completely stressful, uncalled for, and out of my control.

I've been doing my best to try to keep it all in check and keep moving forward, but if you know me much at all - you've heard about these muscle problems in my back, and if I were a betting person - I'd venture to say that my blood pressure is suffering a bit at the moment as well.

What am I getting at, you might ask...

Well, I think I'm starting to crack under the pressure and weight of all these items that I can't control. There isn't anything I can honestly do to make any of it go faster, smoother, or better - and its making me crazy. Or really, lets call it what it is... I'd say borderline mild depression.

How do I come to that conclusion? Well:
  • My eating habits are all messed up - I don't eat all day long at work for the most part, and then eat junk at home... I don't want anything that would be semi-good for me... I just want things like saltines or chocolate.
  • These crazy muscle pains and knots in my back and shoulders
  • I'm on the verge of tears for a good part of the day - at least the parts where I am not at home
  • I have zero energy and want nothing more than to sleep it all away
  • I don't really have any interest in the things that I enjoy the most - like blogging, photography, hanging with friends, or Facebook... (I'm still around on there, but not really interested... more bored and don't know what else to do)
  • I'm not sleeping well at all - and the worst of it is on Sunday nights... anxiety is a killer!
I am probably leaving out a thing or two on that list - I don't really know, but I know it isn't me... or I'm losing me in the process somehow.

I know the things that I would tell my friends to do if they came to me in this situation, I really do... I know that I'd direct them to prayer, and then to a counselor...

I also know that I've been reading a Psalm and a Proverb for the day and praying... I just don't really want to see a counselor for this stuff. I know the things that are out of my control and there really isn't much that they can say or do to make that any better.

It's just that somedays are REALLY hard - even with Christ in your life... even when you know the things that you should be doing... even when you have a phenominal support system... even when you have a great church family... when you can't find the light within... somedays it's just a little more ideal to retreat away and hide in a bunker somewhere until you feel ready to come out.

Then again - those are the days that you can't run away and hide - you have to put on your big girl pants and move on... and somehow for me - the big girl pants day is the same day as the one where I would rather throw a 2 year old temper tantrum than be the bigger person anymore.