Monday, March 15, 2010

Scars

I'm still here - I know that I missed blogging over the weekend... but things got hectic. We went to a concert on Friday night, which went later than we anticipated. Saturday was full of shopping, baking, weed pulling and dinner with my sister's family. Sunday was church, more weed pulling, and small group.

So to say that my body aches from the weed pulling is an understatement, but even though I can barely stand up - for that reason and the head cold that is brewing in my brain - I did find the weed pulling a bit therapeutic to a certain extent.

I guess sort of the idea of getting rid of the toxic things so that the beautiful things can begin to grow back in our lives... I don't know, but it sort of made sense to me at the time.

It's no secret that this has been incredibly hard on me - and the one month anniversary of the baby's birth is on Friday... which has me thinking all the more about her and how she's doing. I don't really know what the future holds, but I know that this rocked me to my core.

I just sort of have felt dead inside lately - which is scary. I don't really feel much of anything at all... no big highs or lows... just a steady flow of nothing. We had a great message at church yesterday - and it seemed like everyone else was engaged - but to me it was like an out of body experience. I don't know how to let it go, to really feel in my heart that God has a bigger plan, and get back to living.

I don't know how to lay it at his feet this time - because in so many ways - I still feel like he could have easily fixed it and made it a beautiful moment in our lives... but for whatever reason he didn't, and in my humanity - I can't seem to just have faith without knowing the "why."

Somewhere in there - I guess that I know there is another baby out there for us - the one that we are meant to parent... but I'm so scared of opening myself up to that possibility. Opening yourself up for that is like ripping off the band-aid and knowing that an even deeper cut can immediately happen at that moment. Does that make any sense?

I guess it's like a bad breakup - the kind where it hurt so bad - you're scared to trust anyone again or open yourself up for that kind of pain. Even though you know in your heart and in your mind that without opening yourself up to that again - you can't ever experience the miracle... but still you are so scared of feeling the pain again - it almost paralyzes you.

That is pretty much where I am at the moment. Scared to move forward, but scared not to at the same time. Just scared to feel...