Monday, February 20, 2012
Two years ago, yesterday actually... was a profound day that changed me forever. We woke up on February 19, 2010... full of excitement. We headed to the hospital to witness the birth of our daughter... sat in a waiting room with the lady from our adoption agency and waited. We heard the lullabies play on the loud speaker for 4 different births that took place while we waited.
After a couple of hours, the hospital social worker came to the waiting room we were in... and told us that the baby had been born, but that the mother had chosen to keep her instead of giving her to us. I remember time standing still that morning. It was an out of body experience - like I was hovering over the people in the room and hearing this horrible wail of a mother aching to have her arms filled with a child. Only, that sobbing mother was me.
We prayed with our agency representative, and left the hospital empty handed that day. It was devastating to say the least. We went home to our house that had all sorts of pink clothes, a carseat, bassinet, towels, toys... everything we needed for our first few weeks as parents. The pain sunk in a little more... I couldn't function - so I cried myself to sleep.
While I was sleeping, John quietly packed all of the baby stuff up and put it in the nursery closet upstairs out of sight. It didn't make the pain and confusion go away, but it did help to not have to walk out of our bedroom and see it instantly. We went to see a movie that afternoon to try to get our minds off of it... we saw the Tooth Fairy. (odd choice, I know)
The rest of that weekend (it was a Friday) was spent with my best friend or John trying to entertain me to keep my mind moving. Danielle took me to PF Changs for our favorite treat of Crispy Green Beans... and we did some shopping... we also saw When in Rome... which was the last movie I've seen in a theater to this day.
I remember those days so vividly. I remember the pain and heart ache of having someone promise to give you their child - then no less than a week later changes their mind and your whole world. It seems like it might be similar to a miscarriage, but it's different too - because the pain comes with knowing that the baby is very much alive... but just heading into a much harder life. This little girl's future and life is undoubtedly much harder than it needs to be.
I don't know if she gets to eat 3 solid meals every day like she should... or if she gets additional snacks. I don't know if she has proper medical care... or anything else about what's going on. I do know that when we met her mother, we secured her a stroller to use for her older children because she didn't have one - and didn't have the money for one or to get her car that wouldn't work fixed. In my heart of hearts, I would have scooped up all three of those girls and taken them in to be my own... to give them the best of what I have for their entire lives.
I think of her often and wonder if she's happy and healthy. I wouldn't change the reality of my family today, and believe me when I say that I love my boys with every fiber of my being - I just hate that we went through this pain. I wouldn't change it though, because it profoundly changed me. When you'd think that I'd be going through extreme periods of anger... I was really move worried about the baby and the mother.
In the days shortly following the birth, our adoption agency representative went to try to visit the mother and the baby just to check on them and make sure they had what they needed... but she wouldn't see her. I just wanted to know that they were fine more than anything else. I bought her a card, and told her that we loved her and were praying that they would have the best of what God would provide for their family. I remember telling her that if she ever needed anything - we'd be glad to help in whatever way we could.
We've never heard anything else about her, so I just pray still that everything is going well. That the little girl that we had named, and were prepared to love as our own - as we love James & Tyler today... is happy and healthy. I will always have a very special place in my heart for this little girl... and the way that these events truly showed me that I have the heart of a mother.