Monday, July 16, 2012

Body Image

I've been kicking this post around in my head for a few weeks. I've been unsure if I even want to go here or just keep to myself and bury it down as deep as possible. Depending on when you jumped on board reading my tiny piece of the internet - you may or may not know where this blog started.

It started in 2007, with a journal through my experience and recovery from weight loss surgery. Within one year from my surgery - I lost 95 pounds. Not what I wanted in terms of my goals, but still a good loss. The best news was that my diabetes and blood pressure issues were reversed.

Fast forward through fertility treatments, adoption, and pregnancy... and I feel like I'm back where I started. I know in reality that I'm not, but I'm headed in a direction that I don't like. My blood sugars are back on the rise, and while my weight isn't going up - it isn't going down either.

One of the things they warn you about when you have weight loss surgery is something called Body Dismorphia which is a condition that has many forms, but when you lose 100 pounds in a year - what you see in reality is very different from what you see in your head. While I was much thinner, I saw myself the same. In the mirror, I still saw the same person. I still see her today. I am still very much of the shy wall flower that I was back then in public settings - I'm the poster child for weight issues causing social anxiety. I do not put myself out there because I'm scared of what people think of me. It's sad, but very true.

I know that I've gained back some of the weight that I lost. I'm not happy with where I am, but more importantly I want to feel good enough to keep up with my kids. Bottom line, today - I also want to be healthy enough to conceive and carry our third child. There is a bit of work to be done before that's possible, thanks to some very bad medical advice - but I've seen an endocrinologist to get my blood chemistry where it needs to be... and one of the medications (a once a week shot) that I'm on has been known to help with weight loss.

I can tell you why... every time I've eaten since I took my first shot, I get nauseated and have stomach cramps. Which as you can imagine... causes me to not eat very much. I need to get myself to a place where I can work out on a regular basis as well... I just don't know where to fit that in. My best guess is to walk on the treadmill in the morning during the time between John leaves for work in the morning and the time the boys wake up. Hopefully I can walk and get in a shower during that time.

I know that the walking can only help with my blood chemistry, energy levels, stress levels, and overall health. Now I just need to put the plan into action. (Read, help me!!) I also need to learn to see myself for the good things that are there and not the short comings that I perceive to be there. No one is ever a complete project, and I certainly am a work in progress - I just want to do what is best for me. I want to do what is best for my family in the long run so that I can be the best Mommy and Wife that I can be for many years to come.