Monday, July 16, 2012

Body Image

I've been kicking this post around in my head for a few weeks. I've been unsure if I even want to go here or just keep to myself and bury it down as deep as possible. Depending on when you jumped on board reading my tiny piece of the internet - you may or may not know where this blog started.

It started in 2007, with a journal through my experience and recovery from weight loss surgery. Within one year from my surgery - I lost 95 pounds. Not what I wanted in terms of my goals, but still a good loss. The best news was that my diabetes and blood pressure issues were reversed.


Fast forward through fertility treatments, adoption, and pregnancy... and I feel like I'm back where I started. I know in reality that I'm not, but I'm headed in a direction that I don't like. My blood sugars are back on the rise, and while my weight isn't going up - it isn't going down either.

One of the things they warn you about when you have weight loss surgery is something called Body Dismorphia which is a condition that has many forms, but when you lose 100 pounds in a year - what you see in reality is very different from what you see in your head. While I was much thinner, I saw myself the same. In the mirror, I still saw the same person. I still see her today. I am still very much of the shy wall flower that I was back then in public settings - I'm the poster child for weight issues causing social anxiety. I do not put myself out there because I'm scared of what people think of me. It's sad, but very true.

I know that I've gained back some of the weight that I lost. I'm not happy with where I am, but more importantly I want to feel good enough to keep up with my kids. Bottom line, today - I also want to be healthy enough to conceive and carry our third child. There is a bit of work to be done before that's possible, thanks to some very bad medical advice - but I've seen an endocrinologist to get my blood chemistry where it needs to be... and one of the medications (a once a week shot) that I'm on has been known to help with weight loss.

I can tell you why... every time I've eaten since I took my first shot, I get nauseated and have stomach cramps. Which as you can imagine... causes me to not eat very much. I need to get myself to a place where I can work out on a regular basis as well... I just don't know where to fit that in. My best guess is to walk on the treadmill in the morning during the time between John leaves for work in the morning and the time the boys wake up. Hopefully I can walk and get in a shower during that time.

I know that the walking can only help with my blood chemistry, energy levels, stress levels, and overall health. Now I just need to put the plan into action. (Read, help me!!) I also need to learn to see myself for the good things that are there and not the short comings that I perceive to be there. No one is ever a complete project, and I certainly am a work in progress - I just want to do what is best for me. I want to do what is best for my family in the long run so that I can be the best Mommy and Wife that I can be for many years to come.
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13 comments:

  1. Do you ever put the boys alone in their room to play? Just a thought. You could have independent play time while you work out before their nap every day.

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  2. It sounds like you are on the right track, you WANT to do it! That's the first step! You can totally do this and while it sucks during, it's worth it in the end! Eye on the prize mama!!!

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  3. I'm here to support you!!!

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  4. Although I am the exact opposite of you I certainly understand how you feel ... I am severely underweight and suffer with body image issues as well. And I know how hard it can be to get in shape and HEALTHY when you have little ones around. But you're on the right track and I know if you keep the faith, you will reach your goals. Best of luck and I hope you continue to blog about your journey!!

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  5. What a struggle - i am right there with you trying to make changes! You are in my prayers! I know it isn't easy but I know that your determination will push you through! just keep your focus on the baby you want in your belly & in your arms!!!! Let me know if you ever need to talk or commiserate!!! :)

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  6. Hugs lady! Walking really is one of the best workouts out there! That's so great you have a treadmill in your house..that will really help! Try and have your hubs watch the boys a bit on weekends maybe, and head outside to walk. Find a park or a trail. Being outside walking does so much more for my mental health than physical even!

    I know I'm very tiny, but I too suffer from Body Dismorphia. I've struggled with it for years. BUt working out really helps!

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  7. I feel your pain, girly! I've got another ulcer again, so I'm losing weight, but not the way I want to. You definitely sound like you have your head in the right place, and that's the hardest thing to achieve.

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  8. Hugs Kim!! It's so hard. I know that I've struggled and struggled over the last few years and after SB came I knew it had to change so I felt better. It IS hard and I know you can do it. And if you're like me you see the beauty on the inside of people and don't look at the outside but instead worry what they think about you.. I've lost 31 lbs in two months and it has been hard but now it's getting easier. I have to work out. But sometimes the kids and treadmill seem overwhelming and I'll do a Zumba video and I do weights crunches and squats...etc:-) I think you're beautiful the way you are but you have cane along way in your journey and you can finish it. You'll feel so much better and be healthier for the babes. Always here if you need some motivation!!! Big big hugs! Rooting for you!

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  9. Your motivation is totally the RIGHT motivation!! I know you can do it! What about taking the boys on a walk in the evening (when weather permits)? That way if you can't have independent time for your workout, you can still get the exercise in?

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  10. Keep at it Kim! Just gotta let you know I am in awe of anyone losing 95 pounds! I can't even get rid of 5.
    I used to watch walking videos by Leslie Sansone and really enjoyed those. Maybe you could check her out.

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  11. Do you have a Wii or XBox Kinect? I will work out with those and my boys each hold a controller and think they are also playing. Also, maybe check into a local gym and get a trainer for a few sessions...that has helped me so much! Good Luck with whatever you do.

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  12. I'm a new follower (found you through Twitter) and I just wanted to say hi and that you have an amazing life story! :)

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  13. 95 pounds that is awesome! You should feel proud of yourself. Just try and remember how great it feels once you are done with the treadmill. I for one am not a healthy person nor someone who likes to work out at all. So I am with you on that. Good luck it is such a hard journey but you can do it girl!! :)

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