Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Still Here

So I actually intended to write more yesterday - but time got away from me, and emotions were a little raw... then I just called it a night and went to bed. I've made an appointment - or we're still working out the details, but I've contacted our Pastor to meet with me about working through some things. We'll be meeting most likely next week sometime.

People never cease to amaze me - sometimes good and sometimes bad... but I'll chose to focus on the good today because there is enough darkness in my life right now. I don't have a large number of people in my life that I'd call friends, BUT those that I do have are quality... and there are even some people out there that technically have never met me in person... but they are an incredible light in my life.

A friend of John's from college is engaged to a WONDERFUL woman, Tess, and though I've never met her before - she sent me an incredible email today. (or maybe last night - but I got it this morning) Along with her incredibly supportive words - she sent me two Bible verses that are so relevant to me right now.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee." Isaiah 26:3 KJV

I so appreciate the kind thoughts and words.

Yesterday also brought me some incredible support from a woman that I couldn't live without - Renee - she is the light in the tunnel for me everyday, and I am so thankful that God led us both to a place where we can be friends. She will tell me the truth, ask if I just want her to be a sounding board, and is willing to let me cry on her shoulder if needed. (okay, I added the last part - but I'm sure that she would if it was needed - and if John started drowning in tears!)

Our message in church (hang in there if I've already written about this - it was a profound message for me) this week was "You can't control other people's actions, but you can control how you react." My gosh - exactly! I literally got tears in my eyes when Kevin said that. Its so true - I can't control anyone else... but I can control myself, and a major factor in this whole familial drama is that I don't like the person I become when confronted with the same issues that I've been dealing with for 22 years.

I end up being negative, defensive, and a lot of other ugly things that I want to stop. So, I'm doing my best to control my own reactions. In the bit of time I've been thinking through these things - I think that having weight loss surgery has been the catalyst for this situation.

That might sound strange, but for 22 years - food was my best friend and crutch... I ate my feelings. A little over a year ago - I took that crutch away from myself and now I'm forced to deal with things in real ways... instead of stuffing them down with chocolate. So this too shall pass - but nothing will ever be the same as it was... in some ways that's a good thing - in others only time will tell.

To all of you out there lending a supportive ear... I appreciate you more than you know. I hope that the daily posts will return to happier topics soon - and that you'll all stick with me until that happens.