Sunday, January 4, 2009

Agendas

For Christmas, I asked for a book that I really wanted to read. The book is called To Walk on Fertile Ground by Kristi Brown. It is an intimate look at her struggle through life, infertility, and cancer. Kristi's struggle turned into such an inspiring book - and I highly recommend it to all of you. It's not really about infertility at all when you read it... it's about living life's journey and finding peace in the place that God puts you. After all, we're following his predetermined paths for our lives, and it's up to us to make sure that our stories give praise to God.

Kristi also put into words something that I've struggled with during these years of not having a baby. Our world is a world that can unintentionally be cruel at every turn. There have been so many times that in meeting someone new - you are asked some pretty personal questions right in the first moments of introduction. It's not inherently done out of meanness, but to someone that desperately wants a child... it is a question that sends tingles down your spine.

Think about how many times you've met someone, and the first few questions that are asked... I guarantee that in the first few moments one of the questions that will be asked is "Do you have children?" For someone that wants children, but hasn't yet been given the blessing... it is a hard question to answer. It almost makes you feel like your life doesn't have a purpose at the time.

Kristi's book showed me that somewhere, after all the pain subsides - you can have grace in those moments. You can realize that at some point - kids aren't in the plan for your life, and be okay with it. It's hard for me to imagine, but it could be a possible reality for my life... even after doing everything possible - no kids are guaranteed, and it would be up to me to struggle through that and come out on the other side finding a way to praise God for such a destiny.

Could I be that person? I don't know... I don't know if I will have to be, but I know that it would take a lot of tears and support to even begin to heal through the door to having children being closed forever.

As you can see the biological clock is kicking into overload right now, and I find myself going back and forth between moments of seeing what our children would look like playing in the house - looking at all the wonders of the world for the first time through their eyes... and on the flip side wondering what would happen if it never happens for us.

I finished Kristi's book this morning just before heading to church, only to find our message today to be completely relevant on this topic. Today's message was about God's agenda for us... and setting our focus toward that instead of toward our own personal agenda. The powerful point of the message was when Kevin told us that God wants us to be obedient, and for our lives to renew the faith of others. Those words brought me to tears... I want that for my life too.

I desperately would love for my story to inspire someone out there in the world with grace and stories of how God has gotten me through all of the struggles in my battle to become a mother - no matter how it ends - God's hands are all over it even before I knew that he was there. So, tonight my friends - another lifelong dream has been given a moment of clarity... a new breath of life has been given to my dream of becoming a published author.

I now have a topic for a book that I want to write - I was trying desperately to fit my desire to write into a neat package of being a children's book author which suppressed my creativity into being unable to find a topic... when really the topic for a book was right here inside me all the time. I'm going to write the story of my journey to motherhood this year... hopefully it will have a beautiful ending... or maybe it gets written and the ending waits for a little while while we finish living the last chapter, either way - I'm going to start working on getting it all together and see where I go from here.

Thank you Kristi, for your inspiration and clarity... and to God for giving Kevin the words to make it all clear for me today as well.