Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Betrayal

I struggled with writing this, because I try not to show too much of my weaknesses on this blog... but this post by JLI showed me that I'm doing a bit of a disservice to my ministry...

She even directed me to this verse:

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT) Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.

Somewhere along the way - I've also heard Jenn say something about feeling this on her blog as well.

So let me tell you a little bit about where my head is at the moment... and believe me - I'm not proud of these thoughts, BUT I feel like if I put them out there... it's not only honest, but it's also therapeutic for me - and hopefully will bring me out of this emotional funk. (read also: depression)

It's no small secret that I've been waiting, wishing and praying for a baby since the day I got married... literally... I'm one of those crazy girls that prayed for a honeymoon baby. Even tough my sister thought I was nuts, and needed some time to grow as a couple with my husband. Sure, I now see that a couple of years made us better - 4 years even... because getting through our trouble spot was the best thing for us... but 7 years is tough to swallow some days.

I prayed about having weight loss surgery as an answer to make my body healthy enough to have a child, and went through with it - as you also know. I've made some great strides at becoming healthier, but also have watched a lot of fellow weight loss surgery patients have MUCH more success than I have had.

A month or so ago - I was told that I'm finally healthy enough to be able to try for a baby, only to find out that my hormones are so out of whack that it certainly won't be as easy as originally thought.

So where does that leave me today? Feeling very betrayed by my body... I've gone through so much to achieve the ultimate goal... and really if you get down to it... the female body was designed to be able to conceive and bear children... so I find it very hard to live with the fact that up until now - and even still - my body can't do that very thing. I know that there are women out there that have no hope, and for that I know that I am fortunate... I just am in an extremely dark place about it today. Like I've said before - I've got to ride these feelings out in order to reset my inner fight - and push on through this.

In my heart, I feel that someday I will have my answered prayer - but this roller coaster is hard to ride... anyone that has been here will tell you that. If I didn't know Jesus, or have a strong support system in place... I'd surely never be able to make it through this.

Psalms 22:19 (NLT) O LORD, do not stay away! You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!

Psalms 23:3 (NLT) He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.

It's just in my small feeble mind - the unknown time table is tough to deal with at times. How many of you out there had a plan for what your life would look like at 30? Did it look that way? Mine certainly doesn't... in some ways its greater than I imagined, but in others it is sadly lacking. I always thought that by this time, I'd have a couple of kids running around... maybe a third on the way... or be planning for that third child. Now I wonder if I'll ever have my dream of 3 children. (It was 4, but I've come to know and love John's dream of not having 4... he sees too many dollar signs beyond 3 children)

Would one child be enough for me... I think that it would, but of course I'd absolutely love having more than that. Today - I feel like I'm on my knees begging for that one child... not because it will complete me or make things better, but it is a gift that I've dreamt of for many years... motherhood is just something I know in my bones I'm meant for, and I'm just ready to begin down that path.

Sometimes I struggle with how God can let people that don't want children have them while other women out there who desperately want them can't... it is not for me to reconcile such things, but to trust in God to be in control of such situations.

Because I don't know any other way to close this - I'm going to share with you a prayer that I just said...

"God, I surrender to your plan - remind me today that you are with me and that you are in control... I pray for you to show me the power of your grace by doing things only you can do. Remind me in my heart of your words in Ephesians 3:20 - for I know that you are able to accomplish infinitely more than I would ever dare to ask or hope. I just need to feel you today because I'm struggling in a dark place. This battle is tiring at times, but I know that you won't give me more than I can handle. Please show me the way."
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