Thursday, April 16, 2009

Hits Keep Coming

I feel like I'm in some sort of sick joke... truly... the hits just keep on coming!

I'm struggling so badly right now... I feel weak for wondering why this is all happening. I feel ungrateful for the fact that I do know that it could be worse... but it just feels so bad already. I feel frustrated because I don't know how much farther my breaking point is from where I am today.

I know all the things I would tell someone in my situation, but honestly - I don't know that any of it helps... I mean - yes, I tell myself "God does not give us more than we can handle." "God grants you the desires of your heart." All of those things are great - but today... it's not helping me out of this dark place.

I got yet another phone call from the doctor today - Dr. McWilliams... the fertility specialist... and my estrogen level is low... which is not a good thing for egg development. My testosterone is extremely high - in the 3 weeks or so that I have been off the pill... it went from a reading of 20 to a 52!

Apparently Clomid has a tendency to raise testosterone levels in some women... so back on the pill I go for three weeks... a different pill than I've been on before - and then I'll have to take a new medication in place of Clomid... so that my level doesn't go crazy again.

She did say that I can go have my progesterone tested on Monday just in case I ovulated, but she said there really isn't much chance of that - even with the three follicles that I had on Monday. Most likely they won't ovulate.

We'll continue doing our own thing until Monday and get that test done, but be sure that if we get pregnant this month - it is 100% a God thing because - my body is not playing fair!

I once again feel so betrayed by this body that I live in... and there really isn't much else I can say about that. It truly makes me want to just curl up in a ball and not get out of bed...

**Edited to add that my irrationality knows no bounds... I find myself wanting more pets just to have a "baby" to take care of... seriously - on Monday - we were at the store looking for strawberry plants, and they had two ducklings in the store for people to buy... and I wanted them! Today - I would love to get a kitten... God - I really need a baby - not a zoo!


  1. I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time. Please know that I'm praying for you.

  2. sweet sweet friend. it WILL happen! remember those posts you sent me yesterday? (thank you, btw). keep the hope alive. i know it is hard. :( i know the feeling. i told adam i wanted a dog. he laughed and that was the end of that. ps - we do have a Wii. Stopped using it but need to investigate this EA sports thing.

  3. "I know all the things I would tell someone in my situation, but honestly - I don't know that any of it helps..."

    My heart is breaking for you today. I can relate to this so much!! I can quote all the verses, I know the theology, but sometimes there is a gulf between my head and my heart.

    I am praying for you today - that God will wrap you in His arms so tightly that you really FEEL it, and that He will just rain His peace down over you. (((hugs)))

    *end of super-long comment* :)

  4. I am so sorry.

    The problem with all those platitudes (God only gives you as much as you can handle, etc) is that they may be true, but in the middle of it they sound so incredibly stupid.

    And just so you know, my dog had puppies.

  5. You have to remember that there are no mistakes nor accidents in God's perfect plan. Keep trusting Him, Kim, especially when it gets hard.

  6. Hello Kim,

    I found your blog this morning through We Are THAT Family. I, too, have had a long, hard journey (8 years) through the land of infertility. And I completely understand everything you are feeling.

    I'm also on a weight loss journey...35 pounds down, 25 to go!

    For me, I have had to come to the realization that my joy and contentment is found in my Savior, not in getting pregnant (or food!). Easier said than done, I know.

    "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalm 28:7


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