Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Trading My Sorrows

To piggy-back on last night's post and actually fill you guys in on the details... the title of this post seems appropriate. I'm holding on to these words right now: (Go watch the video from last night if you don't know this song.)

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord
yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

I'll be completely honest with you, the news wasn't what I was praying for or hoping to hear... but in all - it was encouraging. Somehow that hasn't stopped the crazy roller coaster of emotions that I have been feeling ever since the doctor's appointment yesterday. Lets just say... the tears have been coming early and often... and at the weirdest times!

Poor John - I went straight to his office from the doctor's - and the first thing I did when I saw him was break down. He commented: "I bring out the best in you, huh?" Which honestly, no... he just brings out the real me... the one that I don't have to hide and try to keep together for the rest of the world. With him, I can be me... raw and unfiltered.

So here is the part where we get to the details of the visit... for those that might not want to read all the stats and details (DAD) - skip down to the bottom... where I wrap it all up in a bow.

It was another wonderfully horrific visit - you know complete with the ultrasound of death... only this time it's longer and more horrifying because they not only look at the ovaries, but they measure each follicle that is in them.

It all starts with those words that no woman wants to hear... "Scoot down to the edge of the table for me"... and endless small talk while you are desperately trying to disappear.

With the Clomid - they are looking for follicles to be 20 mm in size - which would indicate a mature egg is inside and ready to be ovulated. In my case the first dose produced follicles about 10 mm in size. It did produce about 5 follicles that were measured - 4 on the right and 1 on the left. I'm not completely convinced that she saw everything on the left because I never saw it on the screen like I did with the right - so who knows?!

With the follicles being only half the size that they want them to be - they opted not to give me the ovulation medication... he could have given me a dose to take tomorrow, but in their experience - giving the medication on day 17 or later significantly increases the probability of miscarriage.

When asked - they didn't give me much hope, but did say that it is possible for me to ovulate on my own... so I should be acting as if that might happen.

They took some blood to run an estrogen level and a testosterone level to see how those are doing right now. The estrogen level will tell them more about what is happening with my ovaries, and egg development. The testosterone level will tell them how things are going on that side - and mainly if my testosterone level has gone back up at all since going off of the pill. She said a level of 100 or more would be a good level.

If you remember - I was on the pill last month to bring that level down, and for some women Clomid can raise testosterone levels again... which prevents ovulation from naturally occurring. If that level has gone back up - I might have to go back on the Femcon FE for a couple of weeks before continuing on with our next cycle. This level we are hoping to be less than 40.

On Monday, they will run a progesterone level to see if I did in fact ovulate - if that level is 10 or more - it indicates that I did successfully ovulate... and there might be a glimmer of hope for this month. (I'm trying not to hang my hat on that for now though.)

If no pregnancy occurs this month, we will start over the whole process next month - which means two more dates with the ultrasound torture chamber, and more drugs. Depending on the testosterone readings - the plan right now is for me to up the Clomid to three pills a day next month from the 2 that I took this last time. If the testosterone is a problem - they might have to look into another drug that doesn't raise that level.

(DAD - check back in) That is where we are right now - sort of waiting and seeing what might happen... they should get my results back from the blood work today or tomorrow, and once the doctor looks them over - they'll call me with some more information.

It might not sound like the doctor visit was as bad as I made out, but I just can't even begin to explain the emotions that come with this process... you go from completely hopeful to a pity party in seconds, and even though I am faithful that Jesus has a plan for us - it is hard to not get angry and upset when things don't cooperate.

The financial implications are huge as well - each cycle is $600 and that is while we are NOT doing insemination... those would be another $300 on top of that... so it is stressful to me on that front. I was somewhat fearful that we could only keep up at this pace for a couple of months, but John has told me to not worry about that... so I'm trying to put that portion of it out of my mind for now, and just pray for God to provide whatever is needed - and of course for him to provide a healthy baby and pregnancy.

I am so thankful that I have such wonderful friends - some really special women rallied around me last night - and I am forever grateful for all of them... Renee, Danielle, Natalie, and Jenn... thanks for listening and chatting with me last night. To so many others - thanks for your prayers and encouragement.


  1. I LOVE that song! When I sang in choir at my last church, that was a regular one that we sang. All the kids & teens would dip down real low when we started to sing "Yes Lord, Yes Lord", raising up a little higher until we got to the last "Yes, Yes Lord" at which point there were all jumping up! Some of us younger ones in the choir would jump along with them. It made for a very spirited and joyful worship time!

    Aside from that, I still hear lots and lots of hope in the details, because God is Master Healer and in control of ALL things. God is greater than Clomid, ultrasounds and various fertility treatments. You just keep on BELIEVING girl!!

    Though I can see how anything other than hearing you are pregnant would be so hard to hear, since the meds seem to be having a hay-day with your hormones and emotions. Keeping you prayed up, my dear!!!

  2. Kim, I'm still praying for you & John to conceive every single day! This fertility treatment process is fascinating... of course I realize it's a womanly "cycle", but I didn't realize how often you'd have to check in with the doctor DURING the cycle! So much goes on hormonally that I still have no clue about...

    I'm cheering for John telling you not to stress about the money. He's right... you let HIM worry about that part, and you just keep yourself as calm and worry-free as you possibly can. Your body needs as little stress as possible!

  3. I am so sorry about all the troubles you are having. I don't know if I can offer any advice, but I am thinking of you and would always be here to talk if you ever want to. HUGS.

  4. Kim, thanks for stopping by my blog. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with infertility. The journey is no fun but it is all worth it in the end. It took me 4 years to have my son and all the pain and heartache was so worth it.

    God is good and he is faithful. Sometimes his timing is not what ours is, but he knows best!!!

  5. Thanks for visiting my blog. :)

    I hope you got good results from your bloodwork, and that you are doing ok with the clomid. I didn't realize at first how much the clomid impacted me emotionally - I got really down, and blamed myself for my crazy moods and odd, super-emotional reactions. All that to say, I can relate to the feeling of being on an emotional roller-coaster. (We started using the term clo-mood, as in "Warning: Clo-mood approaching!" I thought about having a t-shirt made...)

    Sending many (((hugs))) and prayers your way - I know some day we will look back on this journey and know that it was completely worth it, because God had a plan all along.

    PS Love the "ultrasound of death" description...it really is a torture chamber.

  6. So sorry to hear you were discouraged but hold on, God has a plan. Take one month at a time.

  7. Great song Kim!!! I will keep you in my prayers!!!!

  8. Awe! I'm so glad you found me...I have had MANY doctor's visits like this one and it's tough. You feel like a Turkey on a Thanksgiving table with your legs spread wide open! LOL! I got over that really quick...keep trying, just b/c they tell you your follicles aren't the right size doesn't mean God can't work a miracle here! I am keeping you in my prayers & let me know if you want me to do your blog layout I'd love to do one for ya! <3 Becky

  9. thanks for stopping by. i added you to my ttc blog. it tells my journey and everything about my loss. i feel for you and prayers are going out to you and your husband. we gotta know it will happen! we will conceive healthy children. i am here whenever you need me. so, tell me...no insurance coverage at all???? ps -- my doctor never measures my follicles and you know what, who knows if they were always the right size. i did conceive and you will too! hugs! funny story, i was thinking about wearing pretty undies to my appt yesterday and then i realized, the doc never sees them in anyway! lol.

  10. Hi Kim,
    My prayers are with you. My niece just found out she is pregnant after four years of fertility treatments, so don't give up hope. I saw that you are in Cypress, so that makes us close neighbors. I live in the Copperfield area. I'll keep you in my prayers

  11. i am so sorry to hear about the way your appt went, i remember going through the clomid cycles and they are no fun it took me 2 years and 3 different doctors to concieve my beautiful little boy (who is about to be 2) i remember being hurt and angry too but then someone would tell me to give it to god and let him work in his time and doing that helped it looks like you are already doing that just remember it will happen for you in gods time and in his way you anf john are in my prayers i hope this work for you very quickly

  12. Thank you for stopping by my blog, I look forward to reading yours.

  13. OK lady, I am right here with you. If you ever need anything email me. I am going through about the somethings. I have not been blogging much, because I just don't have the strength right now. I am sure you know how that is. I have a prayer journal that I will add you too. I also see that you have found Becky and Summer, they are both wonderful ladies.


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