You all know that I am in the midst of a challenge with my church to read the entire New Testament in 12 weeks. We are in week 3 of the challenge, and I tend to do my reading each day at lunch - it is a really nice way to keep myself grounded in one of the most chaotic places that I spend my time.
Today's reading focused on Mark 10-11.
When reading my study notes about Mark 11 - I found some absolute pearls of wisdom that I can absolutely see happening in my life right now.
If you don't already know about Mark 11 - go ahead and go read it. What caught my eye was the part about the fig tree... and the study notes that accompany that portion of the reading.
In the study notes of my Bible - I copied down the following:
* God will answer your prayers, but not as a result of your positive mental attitude. Other conditions must be met:
1) You must be a believer
2) You must not hold a grudge against another person
3) You must not pray with selfish motives
4) Your request must be for the good of God's Kingdom
* When we pray, we can express our desires, but we should want his will above all else.
* God accepts our requests for anything. God wants to give us what is best for us, not merely what we want. He denies some of our requests for our own good.
I followed these notes with the following prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father, I ask for you to show John and I your will for how to move forward with having a family. If adoption is what you want for us - to give a Godly home to someone else's baby - we are ready to accept the challenge. If we need to do nothing - show us. If we need to continue seeking treatment through Dr. Mac - tell us. Show us the clear path that leads us to your plan for us. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Before getting the news on Friday that literally shook me to the core - I believe that my prayers were different. I tried to box God into the plan that I had for myself. I know this to be true, and I believe that my eyes are opening to a new way of staying the course.
After all, if I am a true believer - I know in my heart that God has a better plan for us than I can ever imagine for myself... so it is my job to be open and go wherever God leads me. I am trying to become that person.
I am trying to become less dependent on HOW I become a mother, and instead just owning that God will grant me the desire of my heart - in whatever way he sees fit. It may be that I never have my own children or experience the wonderful mysteries of pregnancy... but that doesn't mean that I can't open my home to one of God's creations born to another woman unable to provide the sort of environment that I can for that child.
I have certainly felt a shift in my own heart the last few days, and while it is hard to close the door on one chapter - it might just be the very thing that changes my life in the best possible way.