I can't believe that it's almost been a week since my last post - the time has certainly been flying by and I've been struggling to keep up. The four days that I have been back at work have been incredibly busy and I haven't even found the strength or time to put up the photos I took at the event last Thursday, but I promise that I will get to them!
I think I have now survived most of the big things that I needed to in order to move forward with life in general after the loss of the baby - and it has been incredibly hard at times. (As can be expected, I guess.) Some things that I would think would be the hardest - I've managed to get through without problems and at other times the opposite is true too.
I've been trying to take the approach of one of the cutest of animated charaters... and just keep swimming...
There aren't many certainties in life, but I guess one that you can count on is that you just have to keep going... keep putting one foot in front of the other, and pray that God will carry you to where ever he wants you to go.
There have been some tough moments, like I said earlier - but I've been amazed at the grace that was poured over me at those times... like at the event, I had no less that four coworkers directly ask me about the baby... or really why I was at the event and not at home with the baby... and I managed to get through those encounters without a tear. I certainly wouldn't have thought that was possible, but I am grateful that it was - because it wasn't a good time for a breakdown.
Other times have been harder, like going back to church on Sunday. I guess one of the hardest parts is the blaring realization in a place like that - FULL of pregnant folks and families - is the realization that something is missing from our lives still. I worked in the toddler room most of the last couple of years... until I just couldn't handle it anymore. The parents picking up their kids every week was more than I could handle. So I was really worried about having to be faced with that in light of the current hole in my heart... but we got through it.
It's interesting to me how the people that are so much a part of my life - my church family - can be the ones that I fear the most in certain circumstances. It's certainly not because of anything they do... it's just that a good majority of them have the thing that I so desperately want in my life, and it's hard to be reminded of that when the pain and emotion is so raw.
We've got our final fire inspection today, and that will complete everything that we needed to do before the baby comes - except for finishing up reading the two remaining books that we have... I'm halfway through one of them - but basically all we can do now is sit and wait...
Wait for the next time that someone chooses us. Pray that the next time is different. Pray that God spares us from this type of hurt again. Pray that we soon will carry a sweet baby into our home.