Monday, March 8, 2010

Sometimes...For No Reason

Sometimes...for no reason at all... sadness takes hold of my heart.

Sadness about wanting so desperately to give my husband the gift of fatherhood.

Sadness that there is a hole in my heart - that could be filled rocking a baby to sleep and comforting them with the love only a mother could give.

Sadness that my body won't produce the eggs that would allow us to have a child that is a little bit John and a little bit me.

Sadness that punches me in the gut whenever I see a baby, a stroller, or a pregnant woman. Sadness that I can't do anything to change this situation.

Sadness that sometimes even going to church is hard for me because I know that I will see all sorts of families (of people I love) and have guilt because of my jealousy.

Sadness that the above even applies to my own family & friends at times... which leads to even more guilt than when it applies to strangers.

Sadness that it didn't occur to me that John might be holding in his hurt just to protect me... which I found out today was actually the case. I love that he wants to be strong and take care of me... but I also find comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one hurting.

Sadness that for the last three weeks, I have felt spiritually dead in so many ways.

Sadness that right now the last thing I want to hear is another Bible verse that should give me comfort - but in reality just makes me more confused about why I have to endure so much.

Sadness that I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

All of this leads into embarrassment - because I feel so weak to control my emotions at times... and often when they take over in the biggest ways - I'm completely incapable of articulating what is even going on.

Today hasn't been a good day... and I just needed to get my toughts down for some much needed potential therapy.