Monday, March 8, 2010

Sometimes...For No Reason


Sometimes...for no reason at all... sadness takes hold of my heart.

Sadness about wanting so desperately to give my husband the gift of fatherhood.

Sadness that there is a hole in my heart - that could be filled rocking a baby to sleep and comforting them with the love only a mother could give.

Sadness that my body won't produce the eggs that would allow us to have a child that is a little bit John and a little bit me.

Sadness that punches me in the gut whenever I see a baby, a stroller, or a pregnant woman. Sadness that I can't do anything to change this situation.

Sadness that sometimes even going to church is hard for me because I know that I will see all sorts of families (of people I love) and have guilt because of my jealousy.

Sadness that the above even applies to my own family & friends at times... which leads to even more guilt than when it applies to strangers.

Sadness that it didn't occur to me that John might be holding in his hurt just to protect me... which I found out today was actually the case. I love that he wants to be strong and take care of me... but I also find comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one hurting.

Sadness that for the last three weeks, I have felt spiritually dead in so many ways.

Sadness that right now the last thing I want to hear is another Bible verse that should give me comfort - but in reality just makes me more confused about why I have to endure so much.

Sadness that I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

All of this leads into embarrassment - because I feel so weak to control my emotions at times... and often when they take over in the biggest ways - I'm completely incapable of articulating what is even going on.

Today hasn't been a good day... and I just needed to get my toughts down for some much needed potential therapy.

10 comments:

  1. You have been through ALOT Kim! It's O.K. to be sad! I am not going to sit here and say I know what you are going through because by all means I don't!! I have suffered two heart wrenching miscarriages and 2 1/2 years of infertility before I had Kelcee! I remember that pain....It was horrible!

    I remember seeing pregnant friends, people at church, random people at the grocery store with babies and I was happy for them and sad for me and then I felt guilty....I was a mess....It is o.k. to be! You have been through alot....

    I hope things will turn around and you will be picked again and this time it won't turn out the way it did....

    That is great your hubby opened up to you, it is good to feel like your not alone when you are hurting so bad....

    Summer

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  2. Oh my dear friend..I'm so very sorry for your pain. Your sadness is with reason.

    It's OK to feel what you are feeling. It's OK for your husband to feel what he's feeling. It's OK to question, doubt, scream, cry. Just keep loving each other, holding each other, and leaning on the Lord.

    I understand too how a person can struggle with faith at a time like this. Don't give up on the Lord.

    God doesn't always do what we want, when we want it. We know however, he is there, holding us, never leaving us, and he DOES have a plan.

    Many prayers your way. You are not alone....

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  3. Kim - HUGS. I have been going through a rough time lately too - for completely unrelated reasons - and while I don't think I can say anything that would help, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I am having a rough time lately, questioning a lot, feeling jealousy and anger towards wonderful people and questioning my spirituality and it's place in my life. Again, nothing that helps you :) but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I am here to chat if you ever want to email me. XOXO

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  4. Big hugs and lots and lots of love from your friend way down south. I'm thinking about you. Lean on us when you need us.

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  5. Sadness that for the last three weeks, I have felt spiritually dead in so many ways.


    I cannot relate to this statement in so many ways. As you know, we have endured quite a bit over the last month and at a time when I should feel incredibly close to God, I haven't remembered a time when I felt further from Him. I am working to get back on track. So, give yourself a break and get on track when you are ready.

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  6. Oh Kim, I'm so sorry for your sadness. I wish so bad I could take it away your pain & mend your heart. Life is full of ups & downs. One positive thing is you have a wonderful husband who is supportive & loves you. That is a lot more than some people have. We love you Kim & are praying for you.

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  7. Sometimes, for no reason, our humanity screams out loud, and even though we try to muffle the sound of hurt, our disappointment and our sadness, we can't.

    The beautiful part about it is that it's okay. It's okay to feel all the things you're feeling. And it's a reminder that your heart is very alive, full of love, although capable of breaking and certainly of being healed!

    Even the guilt you feel... it's okay. God's presence draws nigh to you in even that. Everything you know to be true of your Savior still reaches out to you to rescue you from the pit of despair. And He will KEEP reaching. I wish I knew better how to explain the valleys. The best way I can think of is that you can't have valleys without mountaintops, so keep your sights set on them.

    And her testimony continues to be written...

    I love you, Kim.

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  8. I read your today and you touched my heart in such a way. You are an inspiration to me and I love that you are absolutely truthful about your feelings. Your heart is so humbled and I do understand a humbled heart for the things we go through in life can bring us to our knees. I do believe that words is therapy for the heart. I know there are no true words that can come from ANYONE that would heal your pain but my words to you are... I love you! I don't know you all that very well...sometimes we pass by in church and say hi, but I just want you to know you are a phenomenal woman, a phenomenal WOMAN ! Love, care and blessings, Kathleen

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