I've had a lot of time to think and reflect lately - you know, because with a teething & sick baby... sleep hasn't been plentiful for the last week or so. For whatever reason, last night while I was up for a late night feeding - I suddenly remembered the day that we lost the first baby placement in our adoption process.
In my life, I'll never forget that moment - the moment that the words changed my emotions from being elated to being completely crushed. I remember the lovely lady having to break the news to us - Cindy from the adoption agency - and I can't imagine how horrible that must have been for her. I also remember not being able to initially breathe... or even understand what the words meant. Then, in an instant - it all came together and I started sinking into that crying and depression that you would expect in a moment of severe loss. John and Cindy both prayed over us before we left the hospital that day - but I remember thinking that we'd never have a child... that was at the end of February... and what a difference a little over a month made, right?
Not much more than a month later - we were blessed with James... and finding out that we'd also have our own miracle before the end of the year. Sometimes (often - if not always) God works in mysterious ways...and that experience somehow prepared us for another moment in our lives. We might not have even reached that moment yet - maybe there will be an opportunity for us to minister to someone in a failed placement - or maybe there is no other reason than just our own growth... but we needed to go through that in order to fully understand the blessings we have been given.
I can't imagine my life without James in it - and I know that as soon as Tyler is here... the same will be true of him. That being said - there are times that being a parent is HARD. It is the biggest challenge imaginable, but anything worth praying for - is usually a challenge full of ups and downs, right?
As I approach the end of this pregnancy - I find myself having moments of severe anxiety over the delivery of Tyler. C-Section or Vaginal delivery... and the whole battery of things that will happen in that time of my life - scares the snot out of me. It just does - I know that I'll get through it, but the fear of the unknown is just intense at times.Even beyond the delivery - the idea of taking care of two infants is scary - again, we'll get through it somehow, but there are things about it that scare me to death too.
Then again, there will be moments just like this one - where the baby is sleeping - looking incredibly happy and at peace... and it is all worth it.