Sunday, August 15, 2010


I've had a lot of time to think and reflect lately - you know, because with a teething & sick baby... sleep hasn't been plentiful for the last week or so. For whatever reason, last night while I was up for a late night feeding - I suddenly remembered the day that we lost the first baby placement in our adoption process.

In my life, I'll never forget that moment - the moment that the words changed my emotions from being elated to being completely crushed. I remember the lovely lady having to break the news to us - Cindy from the adoption agency - and I can't imagine how horrible that must have been for her. I also remember not being able to initially breathe... or even understand what the words meant. Then, in an instant - it all came together and I started sinking into that crying and depression that you would expect in a moment of severe loss. John and Cindy both prayed over us before we left the hospital that day - but I remember thinking that we'd never have a child... that was at the end of February... and what a difference a little over a month made, right?

Not much more than a month later - we were blessed with James... and finding out that we'd also have our own miracle before the end of the year. Sometimes (often - if not always) God works in mysterious ways...and that experience somehow prepared us for another moment in our lives. We might not have even reached that moment yet - maybe there will be an opportunity for us to minister to someone in a failed placement - or maybe there is no other reason than just our own growth... but we needed to go through that in order to fully understand the blessings we have been given.

I can't imagine my life without James in it - and I know that as soon as Tyler is here... the same will be true of him. That being said - there are times that being a parent is HARD. It is the biggest challenge imaginable, but anything worth praying for - is usually a challenge full of ups and downs, right?

As I approach the end of this pregnancy - I find myself having moments of severe anxiety over the delivery of Tyler. C-Section or Vaginal delivery... and the whole battery of things that will happen in that time of my life - scares the snot out of me. It just does - I know that I'll get through it, but the fear of the unknown is just intense at times.Even beyond the delivery - the idea of taking care of two infants is scary - again, we'll get through it somehow, but there are things about it that scare me to death too.

Then again, there will be moments just like this one - where the baby is sleeping - looking incredibly happy and at peace... and it is all worth it.


  1. It's crazy how God works in mysterious ways. There's so many things we'll never understand. I can't imagine what y'all went through in February but so happy that you have your son James and Tyler on the way. There's a couple at my church who also adopted a newborn in April and she found out she was pregnant just 9 days later! She's having her second baby in December. Even though I've never met you - I always think of you when I see her and vice versa. I'm sure you both had a long time of waiting for babies and now you'll both be pretty overwhelmed with 2 little ones so close together. God is amazing. :)

  2. Ok, stop it with the anxiety. Stop it now! You are not doing you or either little one any good. I can tell you exactly how labor is going to go. When you go to the hospital you are going to be thinking about how you are soon going to see Tyler and see who's eyes he has and who's mouth. The only time you are going to think about the pain will be during a contraction because that is the only time you will feel any pain.

    The whole c-section vs vaginal is a non-issue really because you will do whichever is better for you and Tyler. If someone else wants to get their panties in a bunch over which way he is born, who cares? This is a choice that you, John and the dr will make - not anyone else (especially not faceless people on the internet).

    The unknown is scary but remember God is in control. He knows exactly how it is going to turn out and every little detail is part of his plan. If your ob shows up in a clown costume, that is part of His plan.

    When you are sleep deprived, it is not a good time to think about the future. And I am saying all this in a loving big sister voice because I have done the same sort of thing.

  3. What a journey this year has been for you already! So many ups and downs (but mostly UPS!). Any worries about two babies, delivery, anything at all--what can you do but go along for this crazy ride?? :) so happy for you guys!!


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