Some of you will call me "slow on the uptake" with this one... and I honestly can't begin to figure out why it took me two babies and 15 months to figure it out... but... I'M SOMEONE'S MOM! Why today does that sound so daunting and scary? I'm not sure... but here I was putting away the groceries and BAM - it just hit me like a ton of bricks.
Am I good enough for them? I don't know.
Am I going to cause them to need counseling someday? I don't know. (Certainly not intentionally.)
Will they grow up happy & healthy? I sure hope so.
Will they have everything they need (not want)? I hope so.
What an intense responsibility it is to have a child. Maybe this is hitting me because yet again - I found myself in a situation this morning where I was questioning God in his motives for putting a child in the life of a woman I witnessed at the Social Security office. This woman had three kids... all dirty, in clothes that didn't fit... well, only two of them were actually wearing clothes... and she was constantly yelling at them. The one child was fussy, but she was probably 2ish... and wasn't THAT loud.
I consider my kids to be fairly well behaved, and I think they've made bigger scenes in public than this little girl was at the time. So there I am, feeling the incredible need to shower (nothing like that place will make you feel so dirty and gross) - and wondering why some of my dearest friends don't have children yet, but this woman has three. Three beautiful little kiddos that have such a hard start in life... it just doesn't seem right.
I know it's not for me to know all the reasons and justifications for why God does these things... but it still makes me sad. Personally, I did pay my dues waiting for these hooligans that live in my house now - 8 years of praying, waiting, hoping, false alarms, and the like... but I can think of several other ladies that have paid in other very heart-wrenching ways and would make AMAZING mothers. (Maybe even more amazing than I could ever be.)
I guess this woman had a profound effect on me... because just like after hearing the news on the verdict in the Casey Anthony murder trial... I find myself wanting to hold my boys tighter, love on them more, and pray that other women (Summer & Jenn most especially) get their moment to show their children what real love is. I pray and long for their arms to be full, and their hearts to be mended... just as I have now.