Some of you will call me "slow on the uptake" with this one... and I honestly can't begin to figure out why it took me two babies and 15 months to figure it out... but... I'M SOMEONE'S MOM! Why today does that sound so daunting and scary? I'm not sure... but here I was putting away the groceries and BAM - it just hit me like a ton of bricks.
Am I good enough for them? I don't know.
Am I going to cause them to need counseling someday? I don't know. (Certainly not intentionally.)
Will they grow up happy & healthy? I sure hope so.
Will they have everything they need (not want)? I hope so.
What an intense responsibility it is to have a child. Maybe this is hitting me because yet again - I found myself in a situation this morning where I was questioning God in his motives for putting a child in the life of a woman I witnessed at the Social Security office. This woman had three kids... all dirty, in clothes that didn't fit... well, only two of them were actually wearing clothes... and she was constantly yelling at them. The one child was fussy, but she was probably 2ish... and wasn't THAT loud.
I consider my kids to be fairly well behaved, and I think they've made bigger scenes in public than this little girl was at the time. So there I am, feeling the incredible need to shower (nothing like that place will make you feel so dirty and gross) - and wondering why some of my dearest friends don't have children yet, but this woman has three. Three beautiful little kiddos that have such a hard start in life... it just doesn't seem right.
I know it's not for me to know all the reasons and justifications for why God does these things... but it still makes me sad. Personally, I did pay my dues waiting for these hooligans that live in my house now - 8 years of praying, waiting, hoping, false alarms, and the like... but I can think of several other ladies that have paid in other very heart-wrenching ways and would make AMAZING mothers. (Maybe even more amazing than I could ever be.)
I guess this woman had a profound effect on me... because just like after hearing the news on the verdict in the Casey Anthony murder trial... I find myself wanting to hold my boys tighter, love on them more, and pray that other women (Summer & Jenn most especially) get their moment to show their children what real love is. I pray and long for their arms to be full, and their hearts to be mended... just as I have now.
Well, being that I got one of the "shout-outs" in this post, let me just say that as hard as it is sometimes not to question God, I've found that it doesn't help if I do. I don't think faith has much to do with getting answers when we want them; I think it has everything to do with waiting patiently to see how God will answer us when He decides it is the right time.ReplyDelete
I've had the same feelings - why is it so easy for others who just neglect the privilege of being able to be a parent when I would give my right arm to have that chance? I've fought over the multitudes of questions that come with desperately wanting a family and find it only frustrates or saddens me even more. These days, I am always consciously trying to stop my mind from even going there.
Your boys have one heck of an advantage, despite any of yours and John's shortcomings as parents (which, by the way, every single person has. No rule book, remember?) They were wanted. They were prayed for. You asked God for children and He gave them to you. If that doesn't make you stop questioning your abilities, I don't know what would. He knew what you and John could offer them and He knew how much you wanted them in your lives. James and Tyler were willed to your family; they weren't consequences. God hand-picked them to belong to you & John. What an honor for those precious sons of yours!
If they grow up being able to comprehend even a fraction of that, you will have given them more than they could ever hope for, I promise.
I love you. :)
Hello from Jenna's challenge...I have to tell you that I have tears in my eyes from reading your post just now, because as a mother it breaks my heart everytime I see a precious child in need of some love and a warm cuddle. Your words about them having a hard start in life are absolutely true, for so many children will never have what our children have. If I could help them I would, sometimes just a smile is all I can do. All I can really do is make sure my children have the best life possible and make sure I do the best job I can and just hope that other childrens circumstances improve...ReplyDelete