If I look back about a year ago... not quite, but July 2016... things were looking very dark and I had a lot of turmoil in my life. There was a friendship that wasn't working, a community that wasn't working, and just general unhappiness. One morning, I woke up and it just wasn't my chosen path anymore.
I took a step out in faith and I walked away - as I've said before - when your heart attitude mirrors something that you don't like, it's time to walk away. I've done this a few times in my life, and I think that it's the place where I am able to uncover exactly where I need to be. Things along this new path may not always be easy, there will surely be rocks and obstacles... but it will be worth it.
This doesn't always look like a huge fight, but sometimes it is a drifting apart that just gets to a point that it needs a clean break... so at the end of July 2016, I made that clean break. It was time, and while it's hard and painful... it was truly time. I walked away. I don't harbor any bad feelings about any of it, but for me - it was freeing to be able to move in the direction that works best for my little world.
To shift my focus on things that matter to me -- and things that would matter to me when I'm at the end of my life. Who would be around me, what things would look like... and where I would be the most at peace in all things.
Ironically, it was at the same time that I started hearing about someone that has quickly become one of my favorite inspirational figures -- Lara Casey -- the first time I encountered her Facebook Page, she was completely open, raw, and vulnerable about having to start completely over on writing her new book. I was instantly drawn to her realness and her spiritualness even in the time of a huge struggle... and I just knew -- THIS is the type of person that would inspire me toward that place I am heading. She is a kindred spirit for me too because she also has two littles that are 6 months apart in age - so she gets exactly where I've been in that.
I'm looking for simplified, spiritual, and grateful... that's where I'm heading. When I reach the end of my time here on earth - I want the words -- spiritual, generous, loving, and grateful to be spoken about me.
- I want my family to know how deeply they were loved - even if it was imperfectly loved.
- I want my friends to know how much I cherished doing life alongside them.
- I want people to think of me as being generous with all things - while also making sure to do those things well.
- I want people to know that everything they've done for me is appreciated... even things that I didn't like.
- I want to take my last breath with everyone knowing that there isn't a single thing that I regret.
Life hasn't been perfect, there have been many ups and downs along the way -- but all of those things shape us to the place that we are meant to go according to God's plan. There can be frustration in not knowing the ultimate plan, but everything worth having is worth waiting & struggling for.
This quote is so true, now with some hindsight on where I've been spent the last year of my life, I can absolutely relate to it. In walking away from one friend, I lost another one for a while -- but we've reconnected and things are just much more fruitful right now in where we are. I look forward to growing our friendship, and that with another one who has never waivered in her support of me... good things are coming.
My hope in writing this is to share that over the coming posts -- I'm going to show you more about this new outlook on life, share what I'm doing to get after these things, and love my people well. I hope that you'll stick around with me on this journey.