Sunday, March 27, 2011

Video Production

John's cousin, Joe, made this video of the boys from their Grandmother's birthday party last weekend. It is just the sweetest gift ever... and I'm thrilled that he was able to do it. Joe makes amazing videos both animated and live action, and is extremely talented. Enjoy!





Here are a couple of photos from the party as well....







Thursday, March 24, 2011

Keepin' It Real

I need to start this post with a disclaimer - to those of you ladies out there that are still waiting for your miracle... I urge you to read even if you don't want to. I know you'll likely be irritated by this post, and I'm sorry. I COMPLETELY remember 100% how I used to feel when I heard some of these things, BUT I want to tell you the truth... and WHEN (because I believe that for most it's only a matter of time) you do get your miracle - I promise you'll remember this post and think... "Wow... no kidding."

After a really bad night on Tuesday (read REALLY REALLY bad), I needed to hear from some of my fellow infant Moms to see if I had completely lost it - or if I was just in need of a breather. I sent an email to 7 ladies from all over the country - Texas, Michigan, Florida, Ohio, and Nevada - and what I found was astounding to me.

Five of the ladies responded to me, and the phenomenon that I found was crazy. Out of the 8 of us ladies... 6 (SIX) found motherhood to be completely different than they thought it would be. I think I can speak for most of us in saying that when we used to hear about people struggling with their babies - we thought that they just weren't doing something right... oh how self righteous... people really, when it comes down to it... you just do what you have to do in order to keep a little sanity in this process.

I believe that 6 out of the 8 ladies struggled in some form - to varying degrees - with infertility... which I think we all had some sort of preconceived notion that since it was so difficult to actually get pregnant... and deliver a healthy baby - that we deserved some sort of pass to having an easier ride on the motherhood roller coaster, but that just isn't what we've found.

One of the other ladies really struck a cord with me though in her response because she identified something that has REALLY been bothering me a lot. She has twins, and I've got my little Irish twins... or so they've been called. The thing for us is that one of them is always crying or in need of something - so there is a whole lot of juggling between the two... and not a lot of time to enjoy the babies, hold them, snuggle with them, play with them, or just generally spend quality bonding time with them uninterrupted. Which can lead to a lot of added pressure being put on yourself to do it all better and faster so that you don't miss out on those beautiful moments.

The reality is that ALL of the ladies that responded sort of felt like the truth about motherhood was some sort of closely guarded secret that we weren't let in on prior to having our children. Not that any of us would trade our children for the world... but wow... some days this gig will bring you to your knees, and make you wish that you could hand the baby back to their mother. (only to find that you ARE their mother!)

A while ago - I posted this "schedule" of my day... and it's still similar only - add in a Tyler feeding somewhere between 2 and 3:30. But there is so much more to be said than that. My nights these days sort of resemble a war zone with me trying to side step landmines at every turn. It's funny because I remember in the days before the boys - when the work day was over... it seemed like the rest of the day was a gentle coasting into relaxation before bed... now it's an all out sprint from the moment I leave the office to get through the traffic to pick up the boys and get them fed, bathed, and played out before their bedtimes.

Right now they are both teething in some form... so the night are a little tougher than they used to be... which means that probably 80% of the time - the only thing I do for myself before bed is get a shower. (is that really for me or more for the people I encounter during the day? HA!) By that I literally mean that is the ONLY thing I do.

I skip dinner to hold one of my hurting little munchkins. I haven't actually watched and paid attention to an entire television show in a year. (Is it wrong that Tyler loves watching Bones?) I literally race to get in a shower and repack the bag while Tyler is taking a very short nap between his two nightly feedings. I still wear open toed shoes even though I haven't had a pedicure since before Tyler was born - because damn it - it's the spring. I have gotten poop on me more than I can count... and it doesn't even gross me out anymore. I've been thrown up on even more than I've been doused in poop. Sometimes the crying leads to all three of us crying together. The laundry - oh my stars - the laundry.

Children truly are blessings, but no matter how hard you've prayed for them... and believe me - I prayed for mine for 8 years... some days - you'll wonder what in the world you were thinking. Then you'll get a little sleep... see them smile at you... hear a baby giggle... and it'll all be alright again.

And just for your viewing pleasure... here are my two little men - I do love them fiercely even though some days I think they might literally either send me to the funny farm or just flat out bring me to an early death.


Those were taken before our first swim of the season... James' second time and Tyler's first...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Story of Bob

That is Bob.

Bob decided yesterday to make a grand move from downtown Houston to the suburbs - Cypress to be exact. He hopped on with us at John's office building, and rode with us to Cypress.

He is a tough little guy because he managed to hang on to the window going 60 miles an hour on the HOV lane for 20+ miles... and through that we bonded a little bit. I sort of wondered if I picked him back up this morning if I could have driven the HOV with him as my second passenger... and if I brought his brother out with me this evening if that would count as well. (not likely since someone tried to claim a blow up doll as their second passenger and that didn't qualify)

Anyway, back to Bob.

He hung on for dear life for the trip from the city to the suburbs... and brought about this conversation and ensuing hilarity upon our arrival to Cypress.

John: "Do you want that thing to jump on you when you open the door to get the boys?"
Me: "No, but I was scared to crack the window to get him off because if he flew in the car - we'd have a serious wreck because I'd flip out."
(Bob was still on the window taunting me... and surely laughing)
John: "Well, lets try to get him off at the light."

I rolled down the window at said light... and Bob didn't budge. At least until I started rolling the window up... at which point he jumped inside the car... and caused a lot of screaming and flailing. I didn't know where he went, but then found him on my door inside the car... and of course the light turned green right as Bob jumped on to the STEERING WHEEL... and from there he proceeded to find his way over to John's side of the car. Much more screaming and lots of laughter came... and we had to pull over into the driveway of the high school in the middle of the street...

Upon opening the car door - Bob was spotted on the passenger seat, and was beaten with a spare baby bib that was in the car. We don't really know what happened to Bob after that - my happy place is that he is happily living in the area with the ducks and the pond... or reeking havoc with the high school girls there in Cy Ranch High School.

After much more laughter - bringing on tears - we continued on our way to get the boys. Just before we reached Miss Amanda's house though John caught a glimpse of a shadow and thought Bob had reappeared which spawned more laughter and more shrieking.

When we got to Amanda's - I got out to get the boys while John thoroughly inspected every inch of the car... no Bob was found... and we went on about our lives.

You just CAN'T make this stuff up!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Another Day, Another Lesson Learned

Sometimes, ok... it's really an indisputable fact of life... people are going to let you down. Some more than others, to be sure - but people are human and it's just going to happen - intentionally and unintentionally. Knowing this however doesn't take the sting out of it when it happens.

There do happen to be some groups that sting more than others, and there in lies my frustration. To be fair, I am VERY bad at accepting help 99.9% of the time. I don't turn it down when it shows up at my door and can't be denied, but when I can tell you not to worry about it... I will. I can't help it - I just don't want to inconvenience anyone and just about everyone I know has bigger and better things to do than come help little old me.

That being said, there are some basic things that can be done for people even when you don't have time to physically be there. You can just send an email to say "I'm thinking about you" or "Wondering how you're doing" - just something to let someone know that you care. I think that is within most of our ability... because honestly - sometimes that's really the best way to help. To let someone know you're out there thinking about them and that you understand what they're going through is difficult.I think that's true in any situation - because how many times have we all thought and/or said, "I know words won't help take away your pain or struggle, but I'm here nonetheless."

I haven't ever made a big move like I'm about to do at a time when the rest of my peer group wasn't doing just the same - basically my big "moves" have been around graduation from high school and college. The rest of the time - I've stayed really local... which doesn't cause many ripples in the social life.

This time - there are big waves happening, and it's sad to see how people really sort of write you off from the moment the move is announced. Now, not everyone - for sure... but it is an interesting dynamic that happens. Especially while you wait for the move to happen - because this period of limbo is truly FOR THE BIRDS! It's hard to be in the middle - not yet leaving and not yet arriving. There is no getting on with life. There is no getting settled in a new normal. There isn't even a time frame for it to happen.

It's tough. It's even tougher when people you care about come under attack and they aren't the ones leaving. Some dear friends of ours got some unsettling news recently, and I'm sad for them... betrayed for them... and just plain hurt for them. Will they be alright in the end, sure. Probably better off... but that doesn't take the sting out of either of our situations. I hope that the people that have caused these hurts and let others of us down will prayerfully learn from their actions, and just try their hardest to do better next time.

No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. Sometimes though... we need to "practice what we preach" - so to speak. I know that before James and Tyler came along - I was better about this myself... the reaching out and letting everyone know that I care - unfortunately right now, I'm in a season where I need it more than I can give it. Sadly, it's also a time where our lives are changing yet again in another major way... it's a lot of change within roughly 1 year - give or take depending on when we actually move. Every bit of the change is worth it, and I wouldn't change a thing... I love my boys more than I could ever put into words... and I know that our move to Memphis will be an adventure that will change us for the better in ways I can't imagine yet. I'm just ready for the adventure to start and to stop being in this sometimes painful cycle of limbo.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Almost Wordless Wednesday

I am struggling to come back from the flu - so I thought I'd share some videos that I took this weekend of the boys.

Brothers Playing


James Talks


Tyler Rolls


James & Missy


Brothers


Being Silly with Daddy


Jumpy Man & Smiley Man from a couple of weeks ago

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Low Points

Almost another week has passed me by... but I have to say that I won't miss this one much. This has been a tough one for this 'ol Momma. I woke up on Monday morning not feeling right - I couldn't shake it, and decided that there just wasn't enough in me to make it to the office.

I dropped the boys off at the sitter's house and came back home - was back in bed by 7AM and didn't wake up until 12:30... was up for an hour and felt completely ready to go back to bed! I made an appointment to see my doctor on Tuesday, and then I suffered through the evening and over night hours.

I went in to the office Tuesday morning for 2 hours before my appointment - I'm closer to his office there than I am at home, and it got me on the good side of traffic. When I saw him - he diagnosed me with the flu - UGH! He told me to go home and get in bed... and that I wouldn't be returning to work until Monday. Swell.

Thank goodness for Ms. Amanda, and her taking care of the boys for me during the day this week - because I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have her. I've literally been asleep 90% of the time that the boys have been with her this week, and I don't think I've gotten that kind of sleep since before James was born!

I'm starting to see the better side of this mess, but while this is going on - the boys are both presumably teething. I can fairly safely say that James IS teething... I can feel some swollen spots on the top... two of them that he's let me feel. Which will give him 6 teeth on the top and 2 on the bottom. Last night was rough going putting him to bed... poor guy. He literally screamed for 45 minutes before he passed out in my arms and I was able to give him his bedtime bottle. I took him up to his bed and he never moved until time to get up this morning. He may also be going through another growth spurt - because he's been spending a LOT of  time sleeping this week too... lots of long naps, early to bed...

Thankfully - other than last night - he's been incredibly sweet, smiley, and cuddly this week. I just love my little man - more than he'll ever know.

With Tyler its harder to tell what's going on... he seems to be biting down like he might be getting ready to sprout some teeth, but there doesn't seem to be any swollen spots or signs of actual teeth. Just a tiny man biting the snot out of anything you'll put in his mouth. He's been a little fussier than normal... and is having some diaper issues. So, I feel like those are signs of something happening in his mouth - even without actual teeth. James went through something like this - where he had all the signs but it was about a month or so later that we actually had teeth to show for it.

Ty is also having some sleep issues. I'm at the end of my rope with this one too. I don't know what to do for him... but I've tried several things. I've tried putting him to bed earlier... I've tried giving him oatmeal instead of rice cereal... I've tried begging... nothing works. This kid takes a 6 ounce bottle with a tablespoon of cereal in it around 8 - I swaddle him and put him to bed. He is then up at 12AM for a full 4 ounce bottle, and 3AM for another full 4 ounce bottle... he's trying to kill me!!

It's been like this for 2 weeks now... and I don't know what else to do. With James we could typically give him his pacifier back in the middle of the night and he'd be fine, but Tyler won't take a pacifier for anything! I've told him that I might have to let the wolves raise him if he doesn't figure this sleep thing out... but of course he calls my bluff every night. If only he weren't so darn cute and cuddly the rest of the time. He is pretty easy going, but he definitely won't let you push him into doing something he doesn't want to do... he just has his own way of standing his ground which is a little more passive than James was.

That's pretty much our week in a nutshell... I'm just trying to hang on and take it one step at a time... but I'm still only running on 1/2 strength.

Have I mentioned that I am REALLY ready to get this move on the road... this living in limbo thing is making me nuts! I need a plan, a goal, and some steps to be checking off my list to feel like this is going to happen at some point instead of us just putting our lives on hold. It sort of in a way feels like our fertility treatment days - when everything in our lives was planned around the possibility of us getting pregnant each month. Only - we don't even have that much to plan around. Hmphf.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Thinking Back

Indulge me for a minute, will ya?

In my hyper-sensitive state of mind, I've been a little reflective lately. Which made me start thinking about a year ago... imagine us being just a week or two after a failed adoption placement, and we get another call that a second birth mother had chosen us for her baby.

I remember sitting there when John called me to tell me about her thinking... yeah right... sure... whatever. I was so jaded by our bad experience that I just couldn't imagine everything working out as it was supposed to... so I sort of wrote it off for a while.

It didn't help that initially she didn't want to meet us... so that made me even more skeptical. So I just sort of sat there numb, and keeping the whole situation at an arms length. I wasn't ready to deal with that sort of pain again and therefore was going to jump head first into ignoring the situation completely.

Funny how looking back on that, the self protection mechanism was so strong... and that poor girl was just as sure as the one before her that she was going to give us her baby. She said a lot of the same things as the previous birth mother - which made it that much harder to trust her...

Now sitting back almost a year later... it's funny how I remember those moments so distinctly... but also have the peace of knowing how everything worked out, and how James is just exactly where he is supposed to be today. Happy, Healthy, and Loved by two people that desperately wanted him more than anything else in the world.

There are truly never going to be words that would do enough to express how I feel about what that young lady has done for our family... or how her actions have changed all of our lives forever. Brave. Loving. Giving. Admirable. Generous. Godly. Those pale in comparison to what should be said about her.

Definitions

I have gotten some good comments and some bad comments from yesterday's post, and I felt like I needed to say a few more things about the topic. In my migraine induced, sleep deprived state of mind that has been the sum total of this week - I neglected to make one of the points that I really wanted to put out there.

I've said this before, and naturally it is my opinion. This isn't up for debate really, but I can respectfully accept that not everyone will agree with me.

The thing I neglected to say is that I absolutely do not think that anyone's job defines them. I have always hated that question at parties and social gatherings because it just is such a small fraction of who a person IS. During the day, I am a database administrator and fund-raising professional. That does nothing to define who I am, what I stand for, what I believe, or even what I find important in this life.

One commenter went so far as to tell me that I am what is wrong with this country.

Oh really?

If a woman who spends every waking moment trying to make life better for her husband, children, family and friends is what is wrong - then yes, I am that person.

If a woman working to raise two infant boys into strong men who can do whatever they want in this life (including be a stay at home father if they so choose) is what is wrong with America - then once again, I'm guilty as charged.

If a woman who will work to teach my children that their job does not define them but their legacy through their relationships with others is the most important aspect of their lives is what is wrong with our country - I am guilty.

If a woman who believes 100% in the institution of marriage and the vows she took before God and who would stop at nothing to support and love my husband completely is what is wrong - I am guilty again.

If a woman who struggled through 8 years of infertility with as much grace and sincerity as one woman can muster with both good days and bad is what is wrong with America - lock me up and throw away the key.

If a woman who will spend every day of my life being grateful for the gift of a woman who chose life and adoption above abortion is what is wrong with America - that is me! 

If a woman who is a sinner, but lives through her faith in God to do the very best I can is what is wrong - lock me up and throw away the key.

I don't claim to always get it right, but I try my best - as I like to believe that we all do. Blogs are a fun and interesting form of social networking, because so many of us have taken up our own piece of the web to use as an outlet. I have always chosen to allow people to say whatever they wish about my writing - as long as it is done in a way that isn't obscene - and I let differing opinions fall where they may. I don't apologize for my views, as my critics likely wouldn't either.

Ultimately though, I am pretty proud of the person I strive to be: a good Christian, a good wife, a good mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an infertility survivor, a writer, a recipe collector, a database administrator, a fundraising professional, and all the other facets of what makes me the whole person that I am.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Not Cool

So while this tired, old, weepy Momma was eating her lunch today - I was browsing the interwebs for news to occupy my brain. Cause otherwise - I'd likely fall asleep face planted into my salad. I was poking around on our local newspaper website, looking really for news updates about the daycare fire and search for the coward that created that situation... but I happened across THIS blog post.

If you don't want to pop over there to read it - let me give you the highlights. Basically, this lady's 4-5 year old daughter did a project for school about various things she likes and such... in the section for what she wants to be when she grows up - she basically says "housewife" - the mother takes this to mean that her daughter has no ambition. She does come back and try to redeem herself at the end of the post... but it didn't take away from my wanting to slap her.

What the crap?!

Since when is it not ambitious to want to take care of your family? To be a good parent? I see those as admirable qualities... and if you are in a financial situation to be able to do such a thing... I say "good for her!"

First of all, she's 5! What does she really know about what she wants to do with the rest of her life? She can barely tie her shoes or count to 100... I mean honestly. I'm sure she'll change her mind 15,000 times before she is actually old enough to do anything about starting any real career path.

Secondly, the teacher explained to her that boys and girls process differently - so her response was completely age appropriate. So why mess with that? Why not let this little girl maintain some of the sweet innocence that brought on such a response?

Would it be so bad for people to step back from all the "things" they want in this world, and take care of the "things/people" that really matter? At the end of the day... does she really need that new iPad2 or would it be better to raise her family and make memories at the zoo or just at the park?

I think that it's a sad testimony about where people have their priorities these days... I mean come on!

Now, that being said - I understand that for a lot of families 2 incomes are a MUST, and I respect that too... I completely stand behind people doing whatever they have to do in order to take care of their families to the best of their abilities. Be happy, people... take care of the people that matter...

I have done both, and can say that neither situation is easy. On the one hand, while staying at home - you can get to a point where you need some outside interaction... but on the other hand, working a full-time job and then going home to properly care for your family (a second full-time job) can be exhausting and overwhelming.

I guess my point to this lady is this. Don't for one second think that someone staying home to take care of the people that matter most in their life as anything other than highly ambitions and admirable! Quite the same to me as someone setting out to be a brain surgeon or anything else.