40 Things About Me

A couple months ago, I turned 40 -- and I thought it might be fun to share 40 things about me... some you might know and some you might not.

 

1. Growing up, I was the youngest sibling - and cousin on both sides of my family. 
2. At age 25, I became the middle child of 5 when my parents adopted my younger siblings. 
3. John and I met online - before it was a real thing... three different times before it stuck. 
4. The first time we met, I scared him off by sending a photo that made me look too young. 
5. We were married when I was 23.
6. I cried through our entire wedding ceremony because I was so nervous about facing the congregation. 
7. My first semester of college, I attended the University of Alabama, and remember it fondly even though at the time I thought I was miserable.
8. I had a 12-year long career in non-profit fundraising and data management before having the boys. 
9. In college, I interned for Children's Miracle Network and fell in love with helping people through charities. 
10. While working with Children's Miracle Network, I worked on their annual telethon... it was amazing and exhausting.
11. I was the only Ring Dance coordinator (think, 7 proms with different themes & entertainment all happening at the same time) my senior year at Texas A&M, it was a huge undertaking, but I learned a LOT about myself that year. 
12. My senior year at A&M was the year of the Bonfire Collapse, and I've never been more proud and humbled of my Aggie Family than I was during those excruciatingly painful days. 
13. I began a new job on September 11, 2001 -- and watched the events of that day unfold on a television in their lobby before being sent home for the day. 
14. I was supposed to fly to Chicago on September 12, 2001, for a trip with my sisters and stepmom, but that trip never happened due to the closure of all the air travel at that time. (I've still never been to Chicago.)
15. Two of my favorite places that I've ever been are - New York City and Washington, D.C. 
16. In the summer between 7th & 8th grade, I went on a 3-week long bus tour of the West Coast with my school. 
17. When I was very young, my grandfather had his own airplane so if I wanted to visit... I'd call him and ask him to send the plane to get me. 
18. I couldn't be more grateful that I was able to grow up without social media... I can't imagine if the antics we lived back then were on social media. 🙅
19. I won my first computer at my after-prom party... I actually won a stereo but traded it with a friend for the computer & that's the computer I had when I met John. 
20. I am allergic to saltwater -- and apparently my own sweat if it stays on my skin for too long.
21. As a small child, I wanted to be a marine biologist, which would have been problematic with my saltwater allergy. 
22. After an 8 year battle through infertility, James was born.
23. Tyler was born 6 months later after an intense pregnancy.
24. I was 32 years old when they were born.
25. We moved to Memphis for a couple of years when the boys were 9 & 15 months old. 
26. I've suffered from migraines since high school.
27. My first mini-stroke was in January 2013, and I spent several days in the hospital because of it. 
28. We moved home in October 2013, and I had a second mini-stroke in my Dad's driveway. 
29. In March 2014, I finally was diagnosed with MoyaMoya Disease.
30. I had two brain surgeries in the summer of 2014, and the first one mostly cured me of daily migraine headaches and periods of not being able to control my muscles.
31. We chose to homeschool because of some learning challenges that James deals with. 
32. I used to make beaded jewelry as a side business.
33. I've tried several MLM companies, and while I love the products... I am just NOT cut out for that work. 
34. I've always dreamed of writing a book, and I'm now making it happen! 
35. I'm a self-proclaimed planner junkie... I need a 12-step program.
36. Baking and cooking relax me, but meal planning stresses me out. 
37. Reading is one of my favorite past-times, and I try to read between 35-50 books every year. 
38. I love giving gifts, but birthdays and Christmas stress me out because I want to get the perfect gift for each person. I'm never confident that they will like the gift. 
39. In 6th grade, I won a solo singing competition... but I quickly retired afterward. 
40. Last but not least... and I take a lot of heat for this one... but I'm not a fan of bacon or seafood. I will tolerate bacon in recipes, but I'd never crave it. 

A to Z about Me -- Take 2

I did this one other time in January of 2009 -- I just stumbled on it and thought it would be interesting to go through it again and see how it's changed in the last 4 years. So here we go:

A-
Available: no
Age: 34, about to be 35 <tear>
Annoyance(s): liars, cheaters
Animal: Missy (Boston Terrier), Allie (Cat)
Attitude: laid back and easy going - depending on who is involved -- can be demanding and stressed around my kids

B-
Beer: never touch the stuff
Birthday: May 16
Best feeling in world: Love
Best weather: mid 60's and sunny
Been in Love: I am
Been on stage: as little as possible, hate being the center of attention
Believe in God: Absolutely (have you read much here?)
Believe in Santa: Yes, I love the magic of Christmas - even more now through the eyes of my boys

C-
Candy (favorite): Depends on my mood -- love Peanut Butter Twix
Color: purple or aqua
Chocolate/Vanilla: typically Chocolate
Chinese/Mexican: depends on the day, I really like both
Cake or pie: both, depending on the flavor or pie topping - loathe meringue
Continent you want to to visit: Europe
Cheese: Yes, please - not a fan of swiss or blue cheese though

D-
Day or Night: mid-day (not into mornings or nights)
Dance in the rain: Sure
Dating: been there, done that...although meeting Mom friends is sort of like dating all over again
Dogs or Cats: both, I love animals in general (unless they are reptiles)

E-
Eyes: Blue
Everyone has: An opinion
Ever failed a class?: yes, mostly due to my own fault and lack of focus in my original college days

F-
Full name: Kimberly
First thoughts waking up: Is it the weekend?
Food favorite: depends on the nationality
Friendly: of course, but shy upon first meeting
Fan of: lots of things

G-
Greatest Fear: Snakes or Drowning
Goals: Be successful with Scentsy, Velata, and Grace Adele AND homeschool our boys AND move back to TX!
Gum: don't really chew it anymore
Get along with your parents: Most of the time
Good luck charm: No need - I pray when I need help
Guilty Pleasure: Watching Dance Moms on Lifetime

H-
Hair Color: Brown naturally, but most of the time it's red now
Height: 5’ 6"
Happy: Yes
Holiday: Christmas
How do you want to die: I don't think about it, when it's my time - God will determine how (hopefully painlessly?)

I-
Ice Cream: Cookies in Cream or Orange Sherbet
Instrument: I don't play one
Ice cubes or crushed: Cubes, Sonic ice is my favorite

J-
Jewelry: Wedding Ring and Watch
Job: So many answers - business owner, blog writer, homeschool teacher, mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend...
Journal-writing: Isn't that the point of a blog?

K-
Kids: James (3), Tyler (2)
Kickboxing or karate: Neither, tried Taebo in college and sprained some muscles :-)
Kooky: Wha?

L-
Longest Car Ride: College Station, TX to Naples, FL (I think) OR Cypress, TX to Williamsburg, VA
Love: Best feeling in the world
Letter: Love getting them!
Laughed so hard you cried: It happens, only wish it happened more

M-
Milk flavor: Flavor? Milk only has one flavor...
Movies: You've Got Mail, When Harry Met Sally, A Few Good Men, American President, Hitch, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Remember the Titans, and many more...
Music: Old Country and Worship Music...
Motion sickness: Yes
McD’s or BK: McD's, don't go often

N-
Number of Siblings: 4: two older sisters for most of my life... then at 25, became the middle child with a younger brother & sister added to the mix
Number of Piercings: 1 in each ear
Number of Tattoos: None
Number: No clue

O-
One wish: To be rid of weight issues, health issues, and infertility issues... to be comfortable in my own skin
One regret: None, because everything I have done has led me to where I am today

P-
Perfect Pizza: Beef, Mushrooms and Cheese
Pepsi/Coke: Dr Pepper -- but if I only had those two choices, I'd rather have Coke
Parents still alive: Yes
Party-goer: Not really, unless it's a game-night

Q-
Quote: None come to mind right now
Question for God: Depends on the moment
Quickest at: Typically, nothing

R-
Reason to cry: Stress, Grief
Reality TV: Mostly things on the Food Network... but I do love Dance Moms and Double Divas on Lifetime
Radio Station: The Oldies Country Station
Roll your tongue in a circle: Yes

S-
Song: Depends on the moment
Shoe size: 10
Salad Dressing: Ginger Dressing from Benihana's, Ranch, or Italian
Sushi: Love the restaurants, but eat other items
Skipped school: In college
Smoked: Tried it, but didn't like it
Skinny dipped: No, mostly got thrown in the pool fully clothed as a teen --lovely friends
Sing well: No
Swear: More than I'd like to admit
Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries if they are fresh, but blueberries in baked goods

T-
Time for bed: around 11
TV Show: Grey's Anatomy, Monday Mornings, Dallas, Rizzoli & Isles, Major Crimes, Franklin & Bash, Perception
Time right now: 10:41AM
Train or Ship: Train, I guess

U-
Unpredictable: No
Unique quality: I'm not sure - you'd have to ask my family and friends
Undergarments: Yes

V-
Vacation spot: The mountains
Victorian or Country: Country, Colonial really... aren't we talking architecture?
Valuables: Wedding Ring

W-
Weakness: Food
Which friend acts like you: No one acts exactly like me
Worst feeling: Guilt/Anger
Wanted to be a model: No, wanted to look like a model
Where do we go when we die: Heaven, or at least that's where I'm going
Worst Weather: Hot & Humid

X-
X-Rays: Probably have had too many
Xylophone: Only played with the kid version

Y-
Year: 2013
Yellow: What?
Yesterday: Sunday

Z-
Zoo animal: Giraffes -- check back tomorrow to see pictures from the boys feeding them at the zoo recently
Zebras-Black w/white or White w/black: Does it matter?

Let me know if you post this -- I'd love to read!! 

S is for Story

I guest posted this one Love to the Moon and Back Again yesterday... but I think that it's never bad to reintroduce yourself to your readers. So... I'm reposting it here for you today. Additionally, don't forget to enter the Lotsa Dots Giveaway!!

Also, here are some of my favorite old posts that I've written over the last few years. 

Alright, without further delay...


First, my name is Kim and I'm the author behind Faith Grace & Giggles - where things can be funny, crazy, and messy... but we do our best to keep it real.

I am a Christian. Wife. Mother. Daughter. Sister. Sister in Law. Aunt. Friend. Weight Loss Surgery survivor. Infertility survivor. Adoptive Mother. Former NICU parent. Writer. Stay at Home Mother. Scentsy Consultant. Stella & Dot Stylist. Cook. Baker. Reader. Photographer. Pet Lover. Retired Database Manager. and Social Media junkie. The last one is really a means of outlet because I spend 80% of my day with two littles that don't talk much yet.

Lets dig a little deeper into some of these, shall we?

I'm a Christian above all else, because I've learned that without God - I'm not any good at any of the other things in my life. I almost lost my marriage before finding my Savior, and was unable to see a light at the end of a long infertility battle... with my faith - I was able to find resolution to both of those.

I'm a wife to my amazing husband, John. We met online about 13 years ago when I was still in college... married 3 years later, and just celebrated our 10th Anniversary last month. We struggled for 8 years with infertility... so we had a long time to grow as a couple and become a true team before our family grew to what it is today.

I'm a mother to James (23 months) & Tyler (17 months). We had a failed adoption placement just 2 months before becoming parents. James was our precious gift given to us by God through adoption. The day we signed his adoption papers at the hospital and brought him home - we found out that we were pregnant. Six short months later, Tyler joined our family... and these two give me a run for my money every single day! They are polar opposites in just about every way - which is challenging, but I wouldn't trade any of it for a minute.

The daughter part is fairly obvious - so we'll move to sister. I became the middle child at the ripe old age of 25 - for the first 25 years of my life - I had two older sisters, Cathi & Cindy. At 25, my Dad & stepmother adopted two babies from Guatemala - and I became the older sister to my brother and little sister: Josh & Gabby.

John also has a sister, who I love dearly... and then I have 3 brother in laws that are wonderful! Additionally, we have 5 gorgeous nieces ranging from 16-4.

I've got some dear friends in my life. People that really are more family than just friends. Sadly, we moved away from most of the people we love last June, and meeting new folks has been slow going here in TN. I'm starting to find some lovely ladies to spend a little time with around here - and I'm sure by the time we move back to TX - I will be sad to leave them too.

In 2007, I had a gastric bypass - which was the reason I started my blog in the first place. I would do it all over again every day of my life - I believe it what it allowed for my future. Would I say that I reached every goal that I set out - not at all. I did not lose all my weight, but I was able to essentially cure my diabetes and blood pressure issues. Since having a baby they are creeping back up a bit, BUT they are far more manageable now.

I mentioned before I suffered through 8 years of infertility and all that comes along with that. In September 2009 - we were told by our reproductive endocrinologist that they couldn't help us. That we'd never have a child biologically. While that was the most unbearable thing to hear - I was okay. It opened the door for our adoption... and so much more!

I'm also a former NICU parent. Tyler spent 12 days in the NICU when he was born, and it was really hard. It was a struggle, but I couldn't have been more grateful for the resources and care that we were given - and I've got a healthy 17 month old boy thriving because of the little bit of extra help that he needed and received at birth.

I sell Scentsy and Stella & Dot to help make a bit of extra money for bills and activities for the kids. I am currently working on getting us a membership to the Children's Museum here in town for us to enjoy during those hot summer days when the Zoo just isn't feasible. I'd be thrilled to help you host a blog or catalog party for either one - and earn free products in return if you're interested.

I love trying out new recipes... and do it almost daily if possible. I write a recipe blog called Momma Hawk Cooks - to share our recipes, but also to keep them handy so that I can access them anywhere. I've got a dog and a cat... love taking pictures of our family... love writing... and so much more!

Why I Blog

There are so many reasons why each of us choose to share our lives on the internet, and for me - what started for one reason has evolved into so much more than I could have imagined.

I started writing this little blog of mine, my focus was on having weight loss surgery. I wanted to journal my experience for family and friends... and have a record for myself of the changes and things that I went through in the process between having surgery and recovery.

Once we got through the weight loss surgery focused part of our lives, life evolved into our struggle with infertility taking center stage for a while. We battled with this much longer than is chronicled here, but the most intense part of the journey is documented here - along with the days after hearing that the doctors couldn't help me.

Our adoption journey is here, along with the craziness of finding out we were pregnant at the same time as our adoption going through... and the insanity of having two baby boys at home while going through a major job transfer with John's job. Then the transformation from working Mom to stay at home Mom.

It's all here - my 2007 to today. It's crazy how much my life has changed while blogging!

Additionally, I've always loved to write - it's therapy for me. I can put it out on paper (or the interwebs) while it's fresh in my mind and it just makes me feel better to process through my thoughts this way. I know there are folks out there that don't understand why I want to put myself out there like I do, but those usually are people that don't write or understand the beauty of social media.

I know that one of those folks is also one of my most loyal readers... my Dad. He doesn't understand or necessarily agree with putting it all out there, but at the same time loves to read. HA!

For me, one of the biggest joys that I found in this process was connecting with readers. I never anticipated that through blogging, I would develop some deep and meaningful relationships with other ladies out there going through some of the same things as me. At first it was my AMAZING "cut & paste" girls that helped cheer me through the weight loss surgery journey. Then, I met some truly remarkable ladies through the infertility journey - ladies that walked with me, prayed with me, and shared their journeys with me. Now, I find comfort knowing that I'm going through some of the same things as other ladies out there.

Bottom line, I don't blog for any other reason than for my own enjoyment. The fact that anyone reads - which I think is few and far between... is just an amazing bonus. Why do you blog? More importantly, why do you come around here and read what I have to say?

R is for Reality

The subject of reality television came up today in some discussions on Twitter, and I thought - you know... I've got some pretty strong opinions on the subject... so why not let it be a post? Here's the dealio folks. I loathe reality television... say what you must, but you just don't find it on our television. The closest we come would be some of the competition shows on Food Network. (We love Chopped)

From the very beginning this hasn't been my thing, and lets be honest - it has gotten completely out of control in recent years. I mean there is a show for everything! I don't buy the whole unscripted thing either - because in all honesty if you're signing up for a show like that there are some basic truths: 1) you are likely looking for fame, 2) you're playing a part, and 3) editing is everything.

It's not truly "reality" when they tape hours and hours of footage and then clip out the boring parts. It's also not "reality" when you are fully aware that cameras are on you 24/7 and you're reacting to them. You just don't act normally. I know I don't act normally when a camera is around and I have ZERO desire to be on television.

I see this in a lot of ways as the worst of humanity being put on display for the enjoyment of others - which often is described as a "train wreck" in which you can't stop watching. Yet again, not my deal. The next closest we came was watching Deadliest Catch - which was cool for a few minutes. I'm still not sure it's truly an accurate picture of what those men go through - but it was entertaining to see into their world for a minute. It lost it's cool for us when we saw a commercial for the show and one of the guys literally looked at the camera and said, "Happy F---ing Mother's Day" - it ended right there for us. We just don't need to watch that so badly.

I'm not going to tell you that we're perfect or live in a glass house... because certainly shows like Gossip Girl, Revenge, Grey's Anatomy, and Private Practice are not fine Christian programming either - but for whatever reason... I enjoy watching a scripted show. I like the stories told by gifted writers who are truly sharing an art with us. I like getting lost in the traditional type of format where I get caught up in the character development and suspense.

If I'm going to sit down and watch something - which lets face it - these days most of my viewing on a daily basis is Baby Einstein or Sprout... I want to be entertained with a GREAT story. Even sometimes if I'm not flat exhausted... I like to be given a story that makes me think - like on The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles, Law & Order, Bones, or Without a Trace. I'm not always able to look at the blood and gore of the crime scene, but I do find the stories interesting.

I guess I come from a point of view that I've never been one to sit down and try to figure a story out before the end. I never opened the back cover and read the ending. I have always been happy to sit and go where the writer takes me - on the adventure that they lay out for their audience.

To me, reality television goes against that and is making the good scripted show have less and less air time - which makes me sad. I don't really want to see the 9,000th season of The Bachelor - haven't we been there and done that? How many times can you hear "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever" and care anything about seeing it?

To each their own, I guess - I'm grateful for the options that cable provides... I just hope that there is always a place for good story telling to be viewed on our screens along with the unscripted stuff.

Q is for Quickly

When I became a mother, I was given the advice to savor every moment because it would pass too quickly. I heard it and it was just one of those things that went in one ear and right out the other... you know how that goes.

Mothering the really young is HARD, and sometimes the days seem like they go on forever... you're just praying you can make it to bedtime... but then you look back and realize that months - years even - have passed. Somewhere in the monotony of those long days - time passes and those kids grow up.

The reality of this has hit me a time or two over the last 22 months - but nothing hit me as hard as hearing the words that James would be graduating out of his mother's day out program after next school year. Ya'll, my baby will start preschool in the fall of 2013! That just breaks my momma heart!

While I know it's not a huge deal - it'll still only be 2 days a week or possibly 3... but it's in a different building and there is just such a difference in the programming. It makes me sit here and think about how not very long ago... he looked like this...

It's truly amazing, isn't it? I guess the older YOU get - the faster time goes in general. It's crazy to me the changes he has gone through since that photo was taken - I mean a completely dependent little newborn is now a toddler running through the house with some definite opinions on how things should be done!

I'm shocked how fast it has happened too - all while I've been just trying to make it through the daily struggles.

Then look at this guy... who is another crazy toddler tornado running through my house, but just 16 months ago - looked like this...

Mind blowing, isn't it?

At this very moment - they are destroying my living room... literally blanketing it with toys, couch pillows, and little boy giggles. My how time flies, it will seem like an eternity and a blink of the eye - and I'll be dropping them off at Kindergarten and 1st grade... oiy. Be still my Momma heart.

Well, just like that - we've got an all out duel over a toy... so I'd better go referee... is it bedtime yet?!

P is for Perspective

There is so much in life that is different for each of us based on our own life's course and our perspective on the situation. Take pregnancy for instance... some love it because their experience is magical and doesn't involve being sick for 36+ weeks - others hate it because of the aforementioned illness and swelling that is nothing short of being absolutely ridiculous! 

As we were driving to MOPS last week, we passed a church that had about 200 tiny little crosses in their lawn. I didn't notice it on the way, but on the way home - I saw the sign. Each cross was representing an aborted baby in our area. This got me thinking.

We all have our own thoughts and opinions on abortion and if it's something you'd consider for yourself - those things are based on various different points within your life's perspective. Politics, Ethics, Morality, Spirituality, Circumstance, or even just plain Choice. This post isn't about debating those issues.

This post is about my own perspective... when I saw each of those crosses - a name in my life crossed my mind. John. James. Joshua. Gabriella. Carl. Tiffany. Addison. David. Tristan. Stephanie. (I'm sure there are others) Each of those names is a person in close relationship with my family and/or me... each one is adopted. Each one could have instead been a cross on that lawn.

Can you imagine? It is hard for me to fathom the choice that the ladies that would become these birth mother's had to make, but I thank God for everything they endured for these people. It takes on a whole different meaning when your own child's name is on that list though.

I remember sitting in the doctor's office in September 2009 hearing the words and knowing in my heart that our journey through infertility treatments was over... there was nothing else those doctors could try that would give us any more hope. I remember thinking that it didn't matter to me if I carried the baby myself or if someone else did it, but one way or another - I would be a mother. On the flip side of that, I couldn't imagine carrying a baby knowing that I wouldn't parent that child. My own perspective prevented me from understanding that decision - or how someone could make that choice.

I'm grateful that things like that are outside of my understanding, but that God has a plan and holds the birth mother's hand through it all. I'm grateful for her wisdom beyond her years to know that there is a life out there for her child even if she isn't in it everyday. I'm grateful for people like Sara, Cindy and Susan who work at New Life Pregnancy Center in Texas that minister to so many of these ladies and help them make the choices and plans that best bring God's glory to the lives of these babies.

Finally, I'm grateful for God allowing me to understand that motherhood isn't about carrying the baby - it's about pouring your love and heart into the life of the child you are given to raise. Of course my perspective has changed on this several times, but no matter what - I am beyond words grateful that the lives of my husband and son are a part of my family instead of being a cross on a church lawn somewhere.

There are so many families out there waiting for their hearts and lives to be filled with babies of their own - and I wish that more ladies would have the education and courage to be able to help give those children they are carrying a chance to fill those hearts and families. I'm not writing this today to judge anyone that has made a different choice - I'm just hoping that if one person out there might read this and know the difference that adoption has made for me... they might change their perspective and fill a mother's arms who is waiting for her baby.

I know it's incredibly difficult and painful... but I'm here to tell you that it can work. We view James' birth mother as a part of our family and would love to have her involved with us as much as she wants to be. We didn't start out with that perspective on the situation - but we grew and learned how that relationship could work, and can't imagine anything different.

Everyday we live changes us in ways we may never know. You see things. You experience things. You read things. You decide things. All of these things change your perspective a little bit - and mold you into the person you are this very moment. I for one am glad that I can look at that display and see so much in those crosses - I'm sad for the ones that are planted on that lawn today, but at the same time... I'm beyond grateful for the ones that aren't there.

O is for Opposites

From the very beginning we knew that our boys were opposites in almost every way... COMPLETE opposites. It has been almost comical.

Where James was loud and fussy as a baby - Tyler was quiet and reserved.

Where Tyler was laid back and relaxed - James was demonstrative and let you know when he didn't like something.

Where James' fussiness was brought on by reflux and milk intolerance - Tyler had issues with a SEVERE gag reflex... and to this day - I swear John and I have been vomited on enough to have 6 children thanks to Tyler.

Where James took a little extra time to master a milestone before truly beginning it (like walking) - Tyler took to it early and stumbled through the early phases of it.

Where Tyler likes to cuddle - James only does it on his terms.

Where James wouldn't allow anyone to rock him to sleep - Tyler did it until he was about 13 months old. Even still, he loves to cuddle - he just won't fall asleep like that anymore.

Where Tyler likes to bring you a book to read - James would rather sit on the floor and flip through it himself.

Where James likes to play outside - Tyler wasn't as big on going outside until recently.

Where Tyler likes to take an actual shower from time to time - James HATES having water pouring over his head.

Where James loved to go swimming from about 6 months old on - Tyler didn't learn to appreciate it until his 1st birthday... with a LOT of training in the backyard before hand.

It's an amazing journey of learning to parent each child differently to their strengths and weaknesses. In the early days and months - I remember thinking: "I did this with James... so it should work." Only to find that it in fact DID NOT! There are so many things about parenthood that people don't tell you - some I think are because if it was widely shared with people... our population might cease growing any larger. Other things, I think just vary so much from family to family and/or child to child - you just can't predict what can/will happen and what won't.

It's all a great big guessing game of trial and error - all with the hope that you will parent well enough that they become good citizens with a caring spirit and a gentle heart. It is an amazing adventure that can not be truly explained or shared until such a time as you can sit back, laugh and say - "yep, it's a crazy wild ride."

N is for No

Any toddler Mom will tell you that No is a word they are all too familiar with. I feel like I say it all day - every day. No wonder my kids aren't learning a big vocabulary... all they hear is "no, no James" or "no, no Ty" 9,000 times a day. It gets said in almost every instance... in the car - shoes are being taken off, I say no. At meal times - food or utensils go flying, I say no. During play time, it gets said in many different instances. Please, don't even get me started on the computer... they think my laptop is a toy that is all theirs! Even as I tried to post this - I found that James had disabled my wireless connection! Oiy!

It is also currently being used in relation to the Christmas stockings too - because Lord knows, they think those must come down and be tampered with! This is one major reason we put the Christmas tree in the dining room - can you imagine? It wouldn't fit in the living room - but I'm actually happy about that - because I would make myself nuts!

I am blessed with two very curious, adventurous, climbing, rowdy boys - who pretty much will try anything to get whatever it is that they want to do. Even if that means climbing on top of the toy boys to get something up high... or standing in a chair.

I'm not sure how long it will be before I can start using some of my other vocabulary words again - but lets hope that I don't forget them in the mean time!

James has started repeating it back - which I know one day he will say it in defiance and I'll just about come unglued. Then when Tyler starts up - I may just become certifiable. The toddler years are just a season in the parenting cycle... and I know I'll miss them when they're over... but I'm not sure that I'll miss having to repeat "no" so many times!

M is for a Mother's Heart

It is National Adoption Month, and a blog post has been floating around in my head for a while... I just wasn't quite sure of the format that I was going to take to get the words out. Insert, Twitter a week or so ago... and it all fell into place.

I happened upon a post that mentioned adoption... and it actually set my blood to boiling instantly. Not at the person that posted it, but just the whole situation behind the tweet. This particular Twitter friend of mine had an encounter with a friend who adopted two children. Lets call my friend Robin, and her friend that adopted Susan.

Robin was commenting about her disgust for a comment that Susan made... so I had to hear the back story. Basically, Susan has infertility problems - I don't make light of this in any way, but want to keep the story to the basics so that I can get to my thoughts and point. She (Susan) adopted two kids, but still struggles greatly with wanting to have a biological child of her own. She has really deep jealousy issues with people that get pregnant around her, which is where Robin started having problems with her. Susan reacted very badly to Robin getting pregnant and caused their friendship to crumble. When I say reacted badly - it's an understatement. Somewhere along the way, Susan informed Robin that "People just don't understand. When you adopt your children, it just isn't the same." 


It was at that moment, this post came together in my mind... I knew what I wanted to say. I firmly believe that Susan has a lot to learn about what it means to be a mother. I can't say for sure if it is just the extraordinary supernatural circumstances around our adoption process... or the training that we got from the 3 amazing ladies at the agency itself, but NEVER once have I ever thought of adoption as a lesser choice for becoming a parent. It was never a "back up plan" for me.


You see, I have always wanted to be a mother. How that happened for me was of no consequence - pregnancy, adoption... fall from the sky... I never cared HOW we became parents. I just knew in my heart that we were meant to be parents. Additionally, I am saddened at the idea of this woman ever having a biological child - because I couldn't imagine the hurt and pain that the different love would cause for the two beautiful kids she currently has.

We suspected there was a slight possibility that I might be pregnant before we went to the hospital on James' birth day, but I loved him so much already - I couldn't bring myself to even consider that until he was at home with us. I had the unique experience of adopting and being pregnant at the same time... and can honestly say, both were beautiful experiences. The day that we met James - just minutes after his birth was truly magical... from the instant we saw him - we knew he was ours and that we were chosen to be his parents. John and I were head over heels for this precious little boy from the moment we met his birth mother, truly. I love her as a part of our family too... and wish that our relationship with her was as close as we hoped it would be on the day we met her. She has forever changed our family, and with the open nature of our adoption - I wish someday to be able to connect with her again.

Forty-eight hours later, we signed the papers on our adoption and brought our son home. During the night, on our first night home - I took the pregnancy test. I think to a certain extent, I was in denial about Tyler growing inside of me for a long time. I had a rough pregnancy, but never once did it overshadow or take away from the joy and love that I had in being James' mother.

I remember getting the call the Friday evening before Tyler was born that he'd arrive on Monday because of complications - and all I could think about that entire weekend was James. Would he get enough attention? Would he know that he was loved? Was I short-changing him because he wasn't going to have a good solid amount of time being the only child? The guilt was staggering. Just as God has his hands all over our boys coming into our family in their unique ways... he had his hands on all of us through this process.

We have never looked back. Our situation is unique to be sure, but it is beautiful. Our family is a creation that we could have never planned for ourselves - but it is a product of YEARS of prayer and in the end - a beautiful creation because we gave up trying to have it come together because of our control, but allowing Him to work his will.

Today, I am asked constantly when we are out in public if the boys are twins. I feel compelled to say that they aren't. Occasionally, women put together that it's pretty much impossible to have children 6 months apart... but IF I choose to explain that adoption is part of our story - I don't indicate which of the boys is adopted. Sometimes, even I forget. They are both every bit a part of me, they are my sons... and I don't love them them any differently for the way they came into our lives. They are both a part of me in every way... and just last night - it wouldn't have mattered which of them needed to go to the ER... I was physically ill worried about him, and waiting for news. I feel like I have the heart of a true mother. My kids are mine, and are equal in every way... they are both a part of me no matter what their story is.

L is for Labels

I know, it was time for me to get back to normal... and I was having so much fun with my ABC posts. I hope that you guys are enjoying them as well, and getting to know me in a little different way than normal.

Some ladies around the interwebs have been talking about blogging as a community and as a craft. It is something that I have grown to love - it's an outlet for my writing, and a way to keep in touch with family & friends. Along the way, it's become so much more to me.

There is a community in it that is amazing - some of the women that I've met through blogging and now Twitter are every bit as special to me as women that I've met in real life. They are real to me, in every sense. I go to them for parenting advice, to share my triumphs, to share my weak moments, to share just about everything life has going for it. I enjoy communicating with them... and I hope in turn that they feel the same for me.

My ability to do some of the things that I used to love like commenting and reading have changed a bit with these boys that I've got... but I still make every effort to fit it into my routine as much as possible. I know that most of us don't blog for comments, but it is nice to know that people are out there reading...and that they care - so I like to show that I'm one of those folks to the ladies that I read.

I'd like to take this to a different level though, one that I've covered before... but haven't talked about in a long time. I dare to think that things have changed since the last time I've talked about it, but ultimately that doesn't really matter. The point remains the same. I am so much more than just a blogger....

I am a Christian, first and foremost... a child of God who struggles daily to try to live a life that would bring glory and honor to Him. Trying to love people without judgement - and to love the sinner but when needed, dislike the sin. To be a light to the world and share my faith with those that can benefit from my beliefs.

I am a wife, second... above all else in this world - doing my best to be the helper that God intended for John. Doing my best to lift up my best friend, and be the partner in life that he deserves. Loving the man that he has been since I've met him, and all that he has grown to be through the last 12 years of living life together.

I am a mother, third... the mother uniquely chosen for James and Tyler. Even if, for the life of me, I can't figure out what God was thinking giving them both to us so close together. I'm here to guide them and love them through all of the ups and downs of childhood... to teach them how to be a little bit of me and a little bit of their Dad... all while growing into the wonderful Godly men that they are destined to become.

I am a daughter, sister, and friend. Doing my best to keep these relationships going with the attention they deserve. Sadly, right now... some of my attention on these is lacking because I am spending so much energy on some of the things that come above that right now.

I am a blogger... which as you can see - is an ever changing thing based on where my life is at the moment. When I started this blog in 2007... I had no idea what my life would be like in 2011. At that time, I was focused on having weight loss surgery. In 2009, I was focused on my infertility struggle. 2010, brought our adoption journey... and the birth of two baby boys. I don't know where I will go next... but the way that I am labeled will continue to change as life does... it's an exciting journey, and I hope you'll stick with us and see where we will go next.

K is for Kitchen

If there was only 1 room in my house that I could use to show my men that I love them... I'd say it would be the kitchen. To me food is love. It's probably why I have weight issues, but nothing makes me feel more complete or loved than someone making me something from scratch... and it's in return how I show those closest to me the same love.

I am constantly on the look out for a new recipe that John would enjoy... and for things that I think the boys will enjoy when they are eating table foods. Tyler hasn't really gotten that far yet, and James has regressed back down to baby foods - so I'm still testing things out on John for the time being.

I've always loved baking and cooking - creating things from a few ingredients into a masterpiece. Its the best part of entertaining for me as well... I love sharing things that I've made with our friends. Food gifts are also something that I find great enjoyment in - and thank God for Pinterest... because the ideas for this year are overflowing!

Cooking has become so much more enjoyable now that I am staying at home with the boys. I am able to enjoy meal planning and cooking during the day instead of trying to fit in into the few minutes that are left at the end of a workday. My recipe search right now centers around crock pot items or things that I can prep during nap time to pop in the oven when the boys are eating their dinner. Our night time routine is pretty rushed from the time they eat until bedtime - so John and I typically don't eat until 8 or so after they are in bed.

Since this is such a huge part of me... I thought that I'd share some of my favorites with you guys:

Breakfast:
Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins
Crescent Roll Casserole

Dinner: 
Zucchini Hamburger Casserole
Chicken Pesto Pasta Bake
Slow Cooker Italian Mushroom Chicken
Chicken with Tomatoes, Olives and Orzo
Shepherd's Pie
Beans & Rice
Jamie's Chili
Layered Chili-Chicken Enchilada Casserole
Chicken & Wild Rice Soup
Chicken Spaghetti
Crock Pot Pork Tenderlion
Lazy Chicken

Sides:
Spinach Berry Salad
Fresh Green Beans
John's Crab Stuffed Mushrooms (inspired by Red Lobster)
Pappadeaux Greek Salad
Green Bean Bundles
Crunchy Coleslaw (amazing!!)

Dessert:
Creamy Lime Squares
Mixed Berry Cheesecake
Sopapilla Cheesecake
Berry Cheesecake Parfaits
Chocolate Walnut Tarts
Chocolate Chip Bundt Cake
Memaw's Caramel Iced Cookies
Orange Fluffy

Beverages:
Feaux Mimosa
Awesome Party Punch
Thanksgiving Punch

J is for John and James

I know, it's two for one... but how could I choose just one of them to write about on this letter? Not possible... two out of the three loves of my life - gotta combine them.

Let me start with my partner in crime, and the most amazing guy I've ever known. John...

This picture was taken for our adoption profile, and it seems like 100 years ago at this point. But it's about the most recent photo I have without babies included, so I thought it would be a good one to use. John is an incredible husband, friend, father, provider, and man. He is the absolute perfect man for me - God brought us together with a purpose and I'm grateful that he did. John challenges me at times, comforts me, helps me, and makes me laugh too. He is an incredible father - who loves these boys fiercely. In addition, he is absolutely brilliant - if there is something he doesn't know how to do - he will find out and work at it until it's mastered. Aggie Football is a passion of his, and well... really football in general - because ALL games relate back to A&M in some way... high school games are future players and NFL games are former players - so there is interest in all levels. Gift giving is another thing he excels at - the most thoughtful and interesting gifts come from his imagination. He once gave me the 12 months of Christmas which was a gift I opened every month for a year with different things for us to do together... another incredible gift came the Christmas after my weight loss surgery - he gave me my first scrapbooking supplies and had our close friends and family write me letters of support for my journey. Lastly, my man can cook... and I mean he can make a gourmet dinner like no one else can when he has the time to put into it. We've had some incredible special occasion meals over the years. Our 10th anniversary is coming up in February and I can only imagine what the next 10 years will bring... but I know that they will be exciting and we will be there with each other loving every minute of it.

True story, the other night we were watching a DVRed episode of Rizzoli & Isles and someone in the show broke a window with their head. John looked at me and said "I don't know why anyone would want to do that... I mean if it was to protect you or the boys - yes, I'd do it... but not just for fun." Love that guy and his sweet protective heart.

James - oh what to say about this little man. He was the answer to a very long prayer 8 years in the making. I've loved him from the moment I saw him in the nursery at the hospital... he is a screamer though! HA! He makes sure that you know when he's not happy or satisfied in the moment. As he gets bigger - I see a curiosity in him that I find intriguing... I really love watching him figure things out - he'll just keep working at it until it makes sense to him. Sometimes though, he'll bring a toy to me that he knows how to work - just to be next to Mommy. Until this last week, he has been an adventurous eater - I suspect this week's illnesses are just working their way through and once he's 100% again - he'll be back to trying out all the things that Mommy and Daddy eat. Giving kisses is a fun new trick that he's learned - he'll walk up to one of us and lean in for kisses... most of the time his mouth is open, but it's just as sweet even if it's slobbery. He is ALL boy - that's for sure... and climbing is a new game for him - I'll frequently be found getting him off of the top of the toy box, fireplace hearth, or anywhere else he can get a little height. He's taken to climbing on and off the couch and his little chair in the living room - it's sort of cute when he takes his drink and sits in the chair to drink. His smile and little dimple on the one side just lights up my heart - you can't help but smile back and feel like the whole world is just fine again. It's an incredible privilege to be his Mommy and watch him grow up right before my eyes - which is happening WAY too fast.

I is for Infertility

One thing that I still would tell anyone that would ever ask me about my life story would be that I'm an infertility survivor. I don't think you ever walk away from it. It becomes a part of who you are - no matter what happens to complete your story.

You never forget the pain. You never forget the months of hope and then extreme let down. You never forget the feeling of being surrounded by people with children - only to have your arms be the empty ones at the end of the day. You never forget feeling that something is missing from your life. You never forget the treatments, doctors, nurses, and phone calls that you endure along the way.

For me, my fertility treatments were a joke. I spent so much time and money on the process - only to find out after months and months of trying that the doctor just plainly didn't know how to get my body to produce a mature egg for them to fertilize. I injected drugs into my hip nightly on at least 3 different cycles for a week or so - made myself completely nuts... and everyone around me nuts... all for nothing.

I'll never forget what that was like - the excitement of starting a new cycle... "this month" would be different. I'd finally get my positive... only to start injections, have ultrasounds... and in the middle of the stimulation portion of the cycle - I'd get the call. There was nothing growing into a follicle. We wouldn't make it to the next step... no IUI for us.

The problems that they were having with my body wouldn't even allow us to do an IVF cycle or anything else... because they couldn't get a single egg to mature into a follicle. There wasn't any amount of intervention that would help with that - unless we wanted to spend an undetermined amount of money just throwing more and more hormones into my body to see if it would respond. When a doctor puts it like that - you know there just isn't much more hope left.

When it came down to it - the doctor had one "hail mary" type of treatment to try in the end, but we ended  up canceling it. I remember starting that whole process - thinking - I don't know how I'd ever survive walking away from those treatments without a baby in my arms. In reality, that is just what I did. It wasn't working and for us - we couldn't put more money and resources into a "maybe".

For us, it was also a major time that God was working toward us going in a different direction - to complete our story in a much different way than we could EVER have imagined at that time. Ultimately, I have my miracles... and they are beautiful... in their own way, with their own stories about how they came to be part of our family... and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

But, I also wouldn't be truthful if I didn't acknowledge that all of those infertility treatments and years of waiting didn't shape me into the woman that I am today as well. My story has a happy ending - I truly pray that everyone has the same happy ending... but I don't get to make those choices or decisions about the future for all of the women out there. Just know that if my story can turn out like it did - yours can too. Just keep praying and trusting that somewhere out there - God is working to create the family that you are meant to have.

H is for... Hesitant

Adjective: Tentative, unsure, or slow in acting or speaking

When I saw this word today - I knew it was without a doubt one of my biggest character flaws. I'm one of the most hesitant people you'll ever meet. I worry about everything - mainly though, I don't worry about it from the perspective of how any choice would effect me... but how it changes the experience or outcome for everyone else. 

Does that make sense? It drives John crazy. But it is exactly who I am... I am hesitant about everything. Hesitant about making restaurant choices - because I'd rather the other person have what they want. Hesitant about speaking in front of people - because I don't want to say something wrong. Hesitant to say anything when I'm hurt or angry - because I don't want to create a fight. Hesitant to meet new people - because they may or may not like me. 

Its similar to being extremely shy - which is also a big part of who I am. I am incredibly shy and guarded - because I basically want to fade into the woodwork. At the same time, I am desperate to meet people - especially right now because I don't really know anyone around me. 

It makes John nuts that I worry so much about everyone else - and don't just do things. I've never been that girl though - I'm the girl that always sat in the back of the class and prayed (PRAYED) that I'd never get called on. I'd become physically ill if I did get called on... and it got even worse if I had to do any sort of presentation. 

I just am unsure about almost everything. The only place that I am NOT like that - is in my writing. Funny, I can sit behind a screen and be outgoing and lay it all out there. Things that I would NEVER say or attempt in front of live people... but somehow there is safety in "speaking my mind" in this place. I also don't really plan much on what I'm going to write about before it gets written - I just sort of write from my stream of conscious. So you'll notice I write with a lot of "..." which basically is me typing away and needing a minute to flush out my thought. (Just a little look inside the writer brain that I use)

Maybe it's because I've never really had anything other than love and support from folks out there - or maybe it's because there isn't anything unexpected that happens here. I'd 100% real and authentic... BUT, I don't have to deal with the unexpected or step out when I'm unsure. I can think things through before they go up here - and process to the best of my abilities. That doesn't happen face to face.

In the face to face world - I get flustered. Literally beyond anything most of you can imagine - if you put me on the spot... I will literally be unable to breathe. I have been in countless situations with people where I physically can't speak - can't get the words out... because I'm so flustered. I can't fight with people - because my mind goes blank and this "can't speak" stuff happens. 

It's all part of the CRAZY that is me... I am hesitant. I hesitate - and I miss out on a lot because of that.

G is for Giving

I love gifts. I think a lot of folks out there do, but for me - it's probably one of my love languages. I don't know for sure because whenever I take that test - I come up with about three different results that all weigh out equally.

When I say that I love gifts - they don't have to be expensive things. One of my favorite gifts of all time was a Christmas gift John gave me a few years ago. He gave me what was called "The 12 months of Christmas" - where I opened a gift on a certain day each month and it was a coupon for something. It might have been a date night, or a week of no laundry duty, a week of no kitchen duty... or anything in between. But it was one of the most thoughtful gifts I'd ever gotten.

As much as I love getting gifts - I get even MORE excited about giving gifts. I know this will be a problem in future years because the boys will learn my weakness and probably use it to their advantage. HA! I am the girl that takes forever to shop for a gift - but as soon as I find that perfect item for someone... I can't wait until the minute they get it. I want to give it to them instantly. I ALWAYS ask John if I can give him his gifts early. He never lets me... but I count down the minutes until I can see his face when he opens that gift.

I'm not that great at finding the good stuff for people - some folks out there have a knack for finding thoughtful items and are so much better at coming up with ideas... but I've got the market on being excited to give.

This extends outside of my family too - I would love nothing more than to bake a big bunch of goodies and leave them for all the neighbors. It's hard to do things like that these days because you can't be too careful with all the sickos out there. I hate that, because they take some of the simplicity and beauty out of being around people.

That goes for John and the kids though - or my family... I love spending time creating something yummy to share with them. It makes me happy to see them enjoy such things... cookies, brownies, cakes... candy... or even just dinner. It's hard right now because my time is limited to do such things, but as the boys get older - I can't wait to make homemade meals from scratch that will warm their hearts, minds, and souls when they get home from school.

My gift to them will be a full belly each night so they can relax and get ready for the next day. I try to do it as much as possible right now, but "quick" is the order of the day right now because they need constant attention and supervision.

I hope that when they grow up - they'll be a mixture of being great gift givers. Thoughtful gift givers like their Daddy, and take a love for gifting things that can't be bought as well. If I can raise them to understand that the women in their lives will melt if they did a load of laundry or cleaned the kitchen every once in a while. They thankfully will grow up watching their Dad do those very things, and I can only hope that it passes on to them.

For now, the one gift I'm so excited to receive in the future is for those cute little faces to look up at me and say: "I love you Mommy." I can't imagine any purchased gift that would top that. 

F is for Friends

Growing up... my sisters were much older and for reasons beyond all of our control - we didn't live together. So the three of us (there is a 4th sister now and a brother - but they came when I was 25... story for another day) weren't close as children. They are also quite a bit older than I am - which is irrelevant now, but when you are young 6 and 9 year age differences can be a lifetime.

At any rate, my friends sort of took over a family role for me growing up. They were the ladies I bounced everything off of - my kindred spirits and most trusted confidants. We did everything together... talked on the phone constantly (those of you that know me now... will find that funny.)... shared everything... and so much more. If you had asked me before high school graduation - those girls would have been by my side for the rest of my life. I had a good close knit group of friends... I think there were 10 of us that hung out constantly - a balanced mix of 5 girls and 5 guys that were just best friends.

I look back almost 16 years later... and I only hear from a couple of them on rare occasion through Facebook. Life happens and your friends change... circumstances change... and you move on. For those of you lucky enough to have friends from your elementary school days as adults - consider yourselves amazingly lucky. I'm in awe of relationships like that. For me, it was never in the cards because we moved quite a bit when I was really young.

I have a couple of good friends from my college days that I can still count as being in the mix. But the majority of my closest friends have come from the last 5-6 years... once we joined a church. Beyond that - some of the most amazing women I know have come into my life in the same respect as the friends I had in high school... and I've never even laid eyes on them. I feel like I've known them for years... shared some of my deepest darkest days with them - but yet... we just have never been in the same room together.

Some of my family - and probably others - think I'm completely nuts for putting myself out there like this... but I'm telling you... I've met some of the most AMAZING women through blogging. I didn't start out with that goal in mind - not even in the least. I started this blog in July 2007 as a journal of sorts and a way to provide a constant "mass email" of sorts for family on my journey through weight loss surgery. It has morphed into my journal on infertility, faith, adoption, pregnancy, motherhood, marriage, and so much more. I really enjoy getting to write... so I don't intend on ever stopping.

I initially wanted this post to be a little different. I wanted to introduce you to some of the women that I read on a daily basis and love so much. I read their blogs, tweet with them, and Facebook with them... we truly are a community - but lets just say that the sinus infection is kicking me right now. I am in bed, while John is taking care of the boys... I am desperately trying to get well so that we don't miss our first MOPS group meeting tomorrow.

All that being said - I used to do a really fun series where I had a survey that other bloggers could fill out and introduce their blog to my readers... a way that we can all get to know each other better and maybe meet some new friends in the process. I want to do that again... so let me invite you to email me if you're interested (kbhawkins00 AT gmail DOT com) if you are interested. I will email you the survey and will start posting a new friend weekly... start emailin' ladies!

E is for Enlightened

There are few certainties in life these days... one that you can hang your hat on though is that you will never truly understand the choices and decisions of other people - because you aren't them. You can't ever truly walk a mile in their shoes to understand their world.

You can certainly try, but you will always question and wonder.

For instance, I will never know what it's like to have 1 child grow into being a toddler on his own... or experience a few years with him being the only child. Is that good or bad - no... it is what it is, and there are beautiful things that come from it too - he will always have a playmate waiting in the wings. He has a best friend and enemy rolled into one - that will be a life long partner and will be able to laugh with him about things that no one else will experience... namely, his parents.

No one will ever truly understand the circus/symphony that comes with going from zero two 2 kids within 6 months. I can honestly say that in a different way than others - because we literally really had zero preparation time. If you were with us back then... we had the failed placement in February of 2010 - and had no idea when the next time would come for us to potentially be chosen to parent. We certainly didn't have 9 months to prepare for James or the reality of being his parents... and from the first day of bringing him home - we struggled and worked toward being able to bring Tyler into our home too. A newborn and a tough pregnancy... at the same time.

I say all of that to get to a different point. I remember the days before the boys came along - there were so many things that I just knew I would or wouldn't do as a parent... and those things have come and gone by the wayside in so many ways. Some things, are holding true... but others, were just from lack of being enlightened on what it's really like to be a parent. Some days - you'd let them juggle knives just for a minute of peace and quiet. (ok, not really... but you'd do some things that you never thought you would!)

So much of life is just trying to survive with the circumstances you are given. Each of those experiences serve to enlighten you further on the person you are. I just hope that one of these days, I'll get it together and be the parent my kiddos deserve. I love them more than life itself, and just want for them to be able to experience so many things - so hopefully one of these days we can get out there and start exploring those!

D is for Definitions

Today is the last day to enter the King Doughnut Giveaway

I've been thinking about all the changes that we've been through in the last couple of years since writing that post, and that made the think of the differences in the way that I define myself these days. I don't always like who I am - but I try my best to be the best "me" I  can be. 

I used to be primarily a wife - which is a beautiful way to define yourself. A woman who loves deeply and is loved deeply. There is security in being a wife, and a freedom to be yourself... I went from that to adding infertile to my list of things that defined me. I then became the woman that had been told by doctors that I couldn't carry my own child naturally. 

That could have broken me, but luckily along the way - I added Christian to my list of things that define who I am. Thankfully, with God on my side - I didn't break over that news, I looked to him to provide the next steps for us to follow. That's where adoptive mother became one of the things that defines me... and finally with Tyler's birth... I feel like dropping the adoptive off of mother - because I am their mother equally and they are both precious gifts. 

All of that to really get to the point of saying that I'm in the process of changing how I define myself - mainly to myself. I tend to be my harshest critic, and only see the things that need improvement... my weight, my house keeping... frustrated parent...

I'm trying to work on redefining myself in the positive things that are around me instead of focusing on the things I need to do better. I would love to lose weight, keep my house cleaner, not get frustrated with my kids, be a better wife... but sometimes life is just an exercise in doing what you can and not sweating the small stuff. It will surely be two steps forward, 1 step backward as a process.

I woke up yesterday and decided that I was going to enjoy being at home with the boys - whining, crying, frustration, lack of proper naps, and all. You know what, we had a good day. I caught myself in all the sweet smiles and achievements instead of letting myself get stuck in the rut of being ungrateful for the blessings that I have. 

Moving so far from home for the first time has been difficult. It's meant that I left all the comforts behind, and I have to change everything. We went to a small group session on Sunday at church - which meant that we have now found a group of people that we can get to know, and hopefully build some friendships from. I also joined a MOPS group - with the potential for more friends and play groups. The boys Mother's Day Out program starts back up next week too for the school year... so things are about to start settling in a bit more - which is exciting for me.

I need reasons to get dressed and get out of the house - so that I can be the best person I can be... I need other wives and mothers to interact with so that I can gain from their experience and share mine. I hope that these things will make my new definitions stronger and richer... and allow me to become one other thing that is near and dear to my heart... a better writer. Which, hopefully you... my dear friends... can benefit from - more stories to share, more topics to cover, and more interesting photos of the boys to come!

C is for Change

Now, change is something I've learned A. LOT. about over the last 2 years. Lets see... two years ago I was: working at a job I hated, was dealing with infertility treatments, submerged in my church with ladies that I adored hanging out with, living in my hometown with a good portion of our family living close by.

Fast forward a few months, and James enters the picture and we found out that I've got a miracle pregnancy. A few more months (6) and Tyler appears. A couple more months and we find out about the possibility of a cross country move. January 2011, we start the craziness of living in separate states during the work week... and in June, we moved to Memphis.

As I read that paragraph, my head spins. My life looks nothing like it did two years ago - and I'm still working to wrap my head around it all. It's been two years of enormous changes with little time to adjust in between each new item being added to the mix.

I'm not saying that the changes are bad... TRUST me. They are each exciting and wonderful by themselves, but heap them all together into about 14 months - and it can get a bit overwhelming.

To be sure, the best of the changes were the births of James & Tyler... it's funny how life is almost unrecognizable if you try to think back to the days before they came along. It's hard to imagine what life was like before - quieter and cleaner to a certain extent, but also much more dull and boring.

Can I just say - GOOD LAWD... I need to join Weight Watchers pronto! Anyway... there is so much to experience with these little boogers... and I can't wait until they're a little older and we can get out to see more of it. It's a little tough on me at the present time to deal with them by myself at certain venues.

Just 7 months ago, I had these little guys at home alone during the work week and a full-time job... I can't even tell you how hard that was. For all the frustration that comes with being a stay at home Mom... (I'll get into some of that in another post inspired by a FB post from a friend) there is nothing like being here for these little guys.

Today, I live in a different city... and most of my day is spent looking at these faces...

There's lots of messy diapers, food everywhere, bottles galore, and even vomit... but it's worth it!

I would dearly love to start meeting some other women though to find some groups and meet some ladies in the same boat as me. Surely if we all meet up at the mall play area during the week in the middle of the school year... if one kid throws a fit - they won't know which Mom to glare at, right? HA!

Missing our family and friends is really the hardest part of it all - because we've never lived so far away from all of them, but I know that once we start getting some roots... and maybe the occasional babysitter... things will start to look normal. Notice I didn't say "normal again" because we've reached the point in our lives that we've lived so long without normal... I can't tell you what it looks like anymore... but I do look forward to establishing that again and enjoying my time with our little family all living together again.